Bon Bon approached the coffin wearily. A small metal box sat there, as if it were asking Bon Bon to go and break it. Bon Bon moved carefully by it. But as she stepped in front of it, Lyras voice, yes, Lyras voice spoke out of the speakers.
"Bon Bon, will you marry me?" The voice asked.
A pocket slid out of the box, and sure enough, there was a ring.
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GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!
... Dang. This one was so sad it was hard to read! I mean that in a way of saying "ya dun good". Bravo, bravo.
You need to add some apostrophes in here mate. Y'know, to show the voice is belonging to Lyra.
Not bad.
It is, however, quite an overused theme. It was close, but it didn't bring me to tears. It lacked something: emotions, immersion.
You pictured Bon Bon is a greedy brat that didn't love Lyra, only abused her.
My apologies if what I say following this sounds harsh, but do you honestly think that Lyra would stick with Bon Bon when she was as demanding as she was?
Bon Bon did not show, in any way, that she cherished Lyra. She barely showed appreciation for the gifts Lyra brought her.
You have the concept for a good one-shot story, but you lack a convincing relationship between the two characters. The way I saw Lyra & Bon Bon in this fic was like this
Bon Bon - Master
Lyra - Slave
No love, no loving words. Only Lyra bringing stuff to Bon Bon.
^Agreement. Should have been a little more ... influenced plus no real timeline presented so it seems like it could have been months to a year. Bonnie however I try to believe is more selfless than a bratty five year old and if you have ever had that happen to you you just sit there as the one you love berates you and then you go and pick up the stuffed sheep, go home and cry your eyes out. Or at least that is what happened to me.... Hehe got a little into that.
1627321
Okaay thanks! lemme fix that
1627278
Thank you :')
1627685 No probs mate.
That was... quick.
I should probably say something deeper, but it's 3 am.
1724288
I was tired when I writ this. It was like 4 am when I finished. ANd I was skyping, which made it worse
:p