Fluttershy was always the shiest of the mane 6, and one day she couldn't handle it. Before she left, she left one more thing behind for her dearest friend.
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Weisted Machine
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shyest
Why is Fluttercide even a thing?
The entire premise is simply awful. She killed herself for being too shy? Really?
Sorry bud, but without a serous build up I can't take the note seriously. It's hard to feel the emotional pain one receives from just a short love/suicide note. And about that, I don't know about you but I if I only had one thing in my life left worth fighting for, I would keep fighting. Especially if that one thing is the person I love. Now I'm not going to down thumb this, but at the same time I can't thumb this up. If you had a heart wrenching build up or a more detailed note it might work. Also why wouldn't Dash just go check on Shy instead of sending notes. If she went missing then the rest of the elements would go looking for her.
ummm.... more Fluttercide... well... ill be honest, i thumbed down... it had virtually no build up, it was crazy short... and on top of that, there was a FlutterGhost??? really? sorry man, but ya GOTT have some SERIOUS build up, some legitimate plot and story ark, and then you gotta explain a bit about the ghost BEFORE, WAY before you introduce FlutterGhost. anyway thats all, its fics like this that HAVE potential. however... they just start at the end of the story... if you want some advice or examples on how to present suicide, i would suggest Reading Friendship is Tragic. great fic honestly. anyways rock on my friend!
It did have a fair few issues.
First of all, I find the whole time-span odd. Over a month until they found out? Assuming they did find the body for the funeral, finding the body didn't take too long, how did nopony find it for a whole month?
Second, Dash not understanding what had happened until she was outright told just feels off. It wasn't that unclear a metaphor and Dash isn't stupid.
Third, why did nopony check if anything had happened? She was missing for over a month, for the love of the stars!
Fourth, what's with the ghost part? It felt like it came of out of nowhere. You could've ended it on pretty much the same note some way that felt less, well, forced, not to mention a complete break from the narrative.
Other than that, there were a fair few grammar errors and typos as well:
"Your" and "You're" are two different words, as are "Their" and "They're". "Your" and "Their" means something belongs to you or them, respectively, while "You're" and "They're" is short for "You are" and "They are"
Applejack is called Applejack, not Apple Jack.
I noticed a few other minor things, such as a couple lowercase letters that were supposed to be uppercase, missing commas, minor spelling errors and such. Might want to give those a look.
I'll admit, this wasn't very good. But, hey, you're trying, meaning you're closer to success than I am. Just keep trying.
The letters infected my soul with a melancholic grief, but the apparition scene needs to be atmospheric and terrifying. Fluttershy needs to haunt and smite the worms that tread Equestria, not give them comfort.
Review time!
1) I actually don't mind the premise, nor do I mind that Fluttershy's death isn't explained in depth. The way I saw it, the focus was on Dash's reaction, not why Fluttershy did what she did. And lets face it, suicides don't always make sense. They come out of the blue. Keeping me in the dark helped me relate more to what Dash was going through. I thought the letter format worked well to this end.
2) That being said, why didn't Dash tell the others immediately? There was no reason for her to hide what was happening, and if she was really concerned, she would have turned to her friends first, not waited until they pressured her into opening up. It just came off as very OOC to me.
3) The spirit-vision-whatever thing at the end killed it for me. It's cliche'd, and it's a lazy way of resolving the conflict. Figure out a way for Dash to come to terms with her grief on her own. Your story will be more powerful that way.
Hope that helps!
Apparently Fluttershy is a Jedi.
1213801
I was just cruising around fimfic without reason, and then I saw your comment. My ribs are hurting from laughing so hard.
I loved this story so much! I almost burst into tears actually! Good job sir! I only have one critisism though, Fluttershy's ghost. I know it's heart warming and sad, but it did seem a tad overboard. Overall though, I liked this story, and I think you should write more!
Well Done,
~Juouikl
1213240
Thanks for the feedback, I know I'm not a good sad fiction writer, and that was first attempt. I'll try to put more sense into the next one is type :3
1214035
aw thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
1213053
its tough being unoticed half the time >.>
liked it! basically for me fluttershy did this because of depression. well for me. your story got a good grip on me. (got more hooked when it suddenly rained here. fuck!) quite relieved when i read the final parts. good story bro!
1218216
aw thank you so much! Yea, deppression drives you to do crazy things xD and I'm glad you like it
I loved it! But next time, you need a story to base it off of! Write more in between notes, and give Rainbow that spunk she needs.
Be more descriptive and try to not repeat phrases (such as, her lover, or her love) as much. But it's a wonderfully written story, I like the style! (I can imagine this in my head.)
wow. even after months this thing still haunts me.
Woops, I accidentally revoked this. Feel free to resubmit it.
1506963
Ok, I resubmitted just now
I lost it after the funeral
Perhapes you can make a story where Dash is the only one that sees Fluttershy's ghost? That seems like it might be a good continuation.
2608359
That's a good idea, I'll start writing soon. Thanks c;
Keep me posted on the developments