Rain Chaser was your average person. He played video games, hung out with friends, and went to high school. But one day by chance he was sucked into Equestria by pure chance. Now he has to try to tough it out in Equestrian life. just wait until his flying lessons...LOOK OUT PONYVILLE!! Will rainchaser be able to cope with being a pony? (most likely) Will be able to survive the experience of mares in the heat? (You have my blessings)
Been planning on writing my first fic for awhile but my old computer broke and i just got my new one. :3 yay! hope you guys like it. BROHOOF!!
Also check out this story fromm my friend mini
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/57081/Day-One
Chapters (2)
Okay.
I will give a calm, and honest review. What I am about to say is the truth, no matter how it may sound to you.
This sucks. However, I do see SOME promise. Now, I am not by any means a good writer. But I am an avid reader, so I know my stuff.
The thing that hit me first: Obvious self-insert. This is blatantly obvious, and nobody likes it. Nobody. Give your character some depth. Us as humans usually don't see the bad sides of ourselves, and thus the characters that we base off of ourselves become perfect. That isn't good.
Another thing that hit me. The walls of text. Get rid of the walls of text! Oh god the burning that is walls of text! And... is that blue lettering on the bottom? OH GOD MY EYES!
Tips: Avoid using yellow or blue. It will burn our eyes.
Another thing: Basic grammar. Hit enter when another pony talks, periods and capitalization, etc.
One last thing of criticism: Learn to use characters. I would probably suffer through terrible self-inserts and god-like-Mary Sues if the other characters are believable.
This isn't to say you did a bad job. I said that there was hope. The beginning, where you cursed at the sun was pretty funny. I liked the way the strange energy bolt was a... strange energy bolt. Probably discord knowing these typical fan-fics, but it is still a good plot device.
Tl;dr
No self-inserts
No walls of text
Grammar
Characterizations
1581604 thanks for the advice, im gonna have to sit down and have to do serious rewrite. im not completely changing it just adding alot more depth. ill try my best to improve this.
1585589 Yes, as I said I see promise! So good luck to you.
another human turned into a pony.
why do people hate these so much i wonder?
3 thumb up and 13 thumbs down 0-0 why???? me i really like this story.
ok this is a little wall of text and you should take your time but the story seem cool and im really sure it can become a ecxellent sory
i wish you a good luck
and a little gif for push you up
1.bp.blogspot.com/-CMowCAtVkvk/T_5PXNHaB5I/AAAAAAAAEkE/ovcr16itUQA/s1600/w3YT9.gif
ok Luna was soooo Cute in that but i know you like dashie so...................
2.bp.blogspot.com/-3aCqG-2bhfI/UK6NYGLDhQI/AAAAAAABDgk/Myx8jOBiGA4/s1600/3.gif
SILVER YOU HAVE 10 SECOND TO SAY ME IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH A BLUE PEGASUS WHO HAVE TRIED TO CUT MY HORN!!
awww shit, Hum....*whisper* come on silver think, think.....
HUM..yea its me who sent it to you for....for....FOR TAKE AN EYES ON YOU BECAUSE IM PREPARE A SURPRISE AND I DONT WANT YOU TO SEE IT. *push RainChaser*Now come on dude i dont need you anymore you can return to your house
A SURPRISE!!! YOUR PREPARING ME SURPRISE!!!!! DID IS THE THRONE OF CANTERLOT....OR MAYBE THE HEAD OF CELESTIA, HO NO NO NO NO I KNOW IS THE HEAD OF CADENCE AND TWILLIGHT SPARKLE
*facehoof* come on get out of here before she realise i have not prepare something and decide to kill us both
For when the next chapter
im seriously wanted to see more of that, and how the relation with dash will grow up (if you have one but.....)