gale-wind
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Wow! Successful experiment, I think. The transition between the interview and the story feels a bit rough, but putting the encounter in AJ's own words is powerful in a way that recounting it in an interview wouldn't have been. This feels like it's starting to really capitalize on the promise of your series' premise. It does a good job of, errr, humanizing the characters and painting your world within a very small space. More like this.
I think you meant a walk through the orchard, though.
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DAMN YOU CHROME SPELL CHECK! Seriously, it was the only word that came up. Fixed now, though. I'm glad to hear this was successful. Do you have any suggestions at to how to ease the transition? I have this published as a sixty minute prompt on my tumblr, but I added some meat to it, and did some extensive editing. I removed a lot of her accent (at least from the first person perspective part; what she says in quotes I kept the same), and I removed 24 of the original 32 ellipses (someone mentioned that to me. I've written too much RP dialogue, where that is useful.) I feel like this chapter is far closer to a finished piece than the other two.
I'm considering going back and beefing up the other two stories I've got using this method. The problem I have, which already existed, is that I have some trouble with first person perspective. Syntax is hopefully fine (I think it is...), but I find it hard to give certain details. I mean... I'd like to give some details about, well, AJ's body. But it seems odd to me that she'd ever describe even something like her freckles... but that's the kind of detail I like. I did give a detail like that in the sex scene... and I felt it was awkward as hell. I left it in, of course...
Okay, first off bro, you gotta change that pic. It's pretty freaky IMO.
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One itDone. Was there more?1615076
I would love to suggest some pics but I'm using my iPad as of now so it's kinda difficult. Just go browse dA. Shouldn't be too hard.
1615114
Refresh, I have a better pic. I kinda liked the old one's raw, paint style. But this is probably a better attention getter. It's not easy finding humanization with pony coloring... especially with ears/tails. Also, having all of that and being safe for posting.
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That's much better and yeah, I agree that sometimes the picture determines whether I read the story or not. It's like 80% pic, 20% desc.
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Yea, I have to agree to an extent. The pic can usually tell you quite a bit about tone and concept. Also, it can tell you quite a bit about effort. If I see a fic with some hastily done ms paint or photoshoped image, I assume (with good reason) not much effort was put into the story. Since you made the comment on this one, mind telling me your impression of the pics for my two other stories I've got up?
1615178
The Pinkie fic wasn't too bad though I did kinda hesitate at first. Not sure why. Probably cause I didn't like the art style or something. Looked a little too dark for my taste. But I read it anyway. Pic didn't match the fic IMO. The pic was somewhat dark and the fic was somewhere around fun.
Anddddddd I don't read Fluttershy clop.
Nice picture for that one though. Can I get the artist's name?
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Having said that about Fluttershy... do you suppose that might be why people have been so much more negative towards it than the Pinkie Pie one? As for the Pinkie pic, the story will include her talking about her depressed state... buy maybe something less dark is what would be needed. I have the link to the pic on derpiboo.ru on all my pictures.
I updated the Pinkie pic, tell me what you think.
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> Do you have any suggestions at to how to ease the transition?
Aw, shucks... y'all are real good at makin' it difficult to be honest. Leadin' in with the tough questions an' all.
A little roughness is unavoidable when you're switching perspectives mid-scene, I think. But if this were my story, what I'd try to do would be to lampshade the switch, play with it a little more. Right now you're simply dropping into the 1P without much of an explicit framing device. We do know, however, that Gale is writing down his subjects' stories (in his little shorthand). What would it look like to deliberately frame the stories as what he's written down on the clipboard? That also would give you more latitude to pull back to your interview with occasional clarifying questions or dialogue and then dive back into the "story" again.
That's just off the top of my head; there may be other good ways to dive into the story more gracefully. Play around with it a little and see what strikes your fancy.
> I removed a lot of her accent (at least from the first person perspective part; what she says in quotes I kept the same), and I removed 24 of the original 32 ellipses (someone mentioned that to me. I've written too much RP dialogue, where that is useful.)
Och an' aye, both good things. I think you'll find that a wee bit of accent goes a long way. My own rough rule o' thumb is one per sentence. You dinna want them to be more distraction than reminder.
(Gotta say, though, sugarcube: the only specific suggestion I'd have would be removing the "Ah" for "I", which is a bit of a pet peeve. I reckon that you're reading this bit in Applejack's voice even though I ain't using any fancy spelling.)
> I have some trouble with first person perspective. Syntax is hopefully fine (I think it is...), but I find it hard to give certain details.
I see what you mean. That's a tradeoff, unfortunately. The character might certainly notice things about themselves in relation to the act or external circumstances ("I remember how white his seed looked against my skin ..." et.al.), but something like freckles gets awfully hard to justify. I suppose if you wrote the same act from multiple perspectives in later interviews? I dunno. No good answers.
BTW, I skimmed through again looking for the "awkward detail" you did give, and nothing stood out as out of place. So whatever it was you inserted, it passes casual inspection.
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I think the Fluttershy thing is just my preference. Don't know about other people.
Will read the Pinkie fic.
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Considering what he's writing down is not just short hand, but coded short hand, it's a bit extreme. I suppose I see why people can get into the second person and first person. But that's difficult for me, especially since Gale Wind is not in any way me. I suppose I write stories like I'm watching them as a TV show. Observing what happens. Still... you might be right that there could be a lamp shade way to do that. In my head, keeping with the TV thing I am now realizing, that transition is like when a character starts telling a story. Very much like The Cutie Mark Chronicles.
I see your point on the accent stuff. I kinda liked the Ah for I, and I've seen it elsewhere... but perhaps I'm wrong about it. I will consider tossing it.
My friend who inspired these stories also stated that the transition is rough. I think what I need to do is to flesh out the chapter properly.But to do that, I need a better idea of the entire story... so I'm working on framing things, rather than the random nature of the chapters so far.
that was great o:
my spirits aren't crushed anymore x3
i really liked the dialect and gale's dialogue though short in this, really was calming
1652572
Applejack will have a couple instances where you might be disturbed, but I like her relationship with Joe. I'm glad that Gale speaks to you in a calming way. If it helps any further, imagine him speaking in Liam Neeson's voice. That's how I write him.
1652634
well he does have a VERY relaxing story telling voice.
i thought of him having a very plain, slightly British but still American accent with
what you'd be expecting from most therapists, the calm and light polite way of speaking
i'll give it
one derpy
two fluttershy's
and happy pinkie
Is that good? I hope that's good. It sounds good... but if it's out of a dozen happy pinkies, that's not so impressive. Unless only the real Pinkie liked it.
I'll admit I had to force myself to read this but now i m happy that im reading this
1683478
Why did you have to force yourself? Clearly you liked the end result... I'd like to break down the walls for people.
Good one, a good one indeed. Quite chaste - no 'leapuptotheaction', interesting ending. Great job.
1756540
I like to think that I'm actually writing a story, it just happens to be about sex.
That's what I like to think.
1757431
I think that's the best summary. These are all quite good.