Ivory Dreams
Joined 22nd Apr, 2012 ·
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There's about four spelling errors just in the description.
I'm not even going to look.
You should be an architect.
You know, from all those... Walls of text.
YEEEEEAAAAHHH!
1553922 dec wasnt proof read, story was
Yeah, I saw it.
1555025 thoughts?
But he already gave her a tip... and a shaft.
Seriously though, the premise is interesting, but you need to implement more strict formatting.
Always say who's saying what and always start each new piece of dialogue in its own paragraph.
What out for run on sentences and spelling and grammar errors. Hope this helps!
Here's how I would redo the above quote from the story.
You certainly don't have to use the same descriptors or amount of alliteration that I did. The main point is to work on your formatting of paragraphs.
1555046 well i did run it by my editior, and i wanted it formated in a more booksih style then web-article format, since its meant to feel booky.
and haveing new diolouge as it new paragraph is dumb because paragraphs have to be 5 to 6 sentances long
1555046 also if you like the plot so far upvote, it helps
1555065
I'll throw an up vote your way, based on the potential of the story. I added more to my above comment, citing how I would rewrite the quote I pulled.
Paragraphs don't have to be six sentences long. I guess I'll pull out my paragraph structure teaching tool. (This is by no means meant to be a comprehensive guide for writing paragraphs. This just demonstrates how I go about writing.)
Bronystories stood in a semi-darkened room, remembering to establish location. He was waiting for his friend to arrive to discuss story layout. When he was ready to start a new paragraph, Bronystories made sure to put a space between them.
One side of the room was shrouded in shadows. The only illumination in the room came from a hall light that shone through a small window in the hotel room door and the moonlight that poured in from outside.
"I wonder what's keeping Ivory Dreams," Bronystories said to himself, remembering to have all text start a new paragraph. As he walked over to a windowsill and looked outside, he observed how mentioning the rain helped to set the tone and add much needed detail to the scene.
"I wonder if I should tell Ivory Dreams that thoughts should be in italics?" Bronystories thought, "I hope she knows that with very few exceptions, dialog should avoid using bold or underline text." He walked back to the table and looked at the paper. The front page read, "Bold text okay for headlines or signs."
"It's important to always be able to tell who is speaking," Brontstories said, reminding himself. Suddenly, a voice came from the shadowy part of the darkened room. Bronystories jumped in surprise, then turned around slowly to face the shadow. While doing this, he always remembered to make sure the things he did were well described for the reader, so they never got lost on what was happening.
"What if you're trying to keep their identity hidden?" a mysterious voice in the dark asked. Stepping out of the shadows, Bronystories saw that it was Ivory Dreams.
"There are clever ways to hide identities," he said, "Pronouns are also useful to avoid being repetitive." Suddenly, the two heard a loud bang.
"What was that?!" Bronystories asked, using the minimal amount of punctuation necessary, "It sounded like an explosion!" Opening the door, Bronystories and Ivory Dreams ran out into the hall to investigate.
End of chapter.
1555114 thanks very much for the help, it helps me see reasion to write the next chapter, also was wondering if youd like to edit my next chapter one i have it out of my head.?
1555114 or prehaps even this chapter to try and squere it away to get new readers on board, since i suck at edting
1555136
It's important to have a second pair of eyes review your stories. I'm unable to personally help edit at this time, but consider asking someone from this group to help you with your story.
Would read but one issue:
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/391/899/609.jpg
1555303 thought i did, should be broken up enugh, not the best edtior
fc07.deviantart.net/fs51/f/2009/278/5/8/Morshu_seal_by_TheKingHarkinian.jpg
I wasn't sure at first but after reading it I found it brilliant. Well done.
1555305
It's okay. Still a good story, besides a few formatting issues. The concept is amazing. Add more soon and get maybe another editor or run it through ms word. I love the art on this. Seductive and beautiful.
1555303 try it now, think i hacked through most issues
When it comes to this, looks do matter and if the story looks intimidating, however, less will read. So just use more spacing and maybe some size variation with the paragraphs.
Your Rating:
4/5 Pinkies
1555342 and thanks for the comment on the art
1555366
You're welcome.
I'm going to watch your story and guide you along, not only because I like you but also because I read a lot of fics and so I know what makes people want to read them. A good cover art and description are needed and you have that.
1555392 check out my blog, need help on who reads the book next btw i hope you like Film Noir, this is going to be a ride
I haven't read it yet but this already reminds me of hotel California
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ua9DN8ZXmOw]
This is totally out of her character but its still a great story.
1621319 if u notice shes in charter during the libary scence, and only ooc in the book. done on pourpose, the books making her act that way to tell the story
1621319 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19dxAPKpMTQ