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Fluttershy20

Joined November 2011
305 followers

Stories (4)

  • Last of the Dragonlords
    Fluttershy sets out in search of answers after a dragon attack left her changed.

    269,752 words · 6,630 views · 562 likes · 17 dislikes
  • Last of the Dragonlords: A Good Mare Goes To War
    Fluttershy is forced to take up arms once again after something tears Equestria apart.
    193,918 words · 2,259 views · 273 likes · 7 dislikes
  • Last of the Dragonlords: Retirement of a Dragonlord
    A collection of short stories on Fluttershy and her attempts to pick up her life after she became a Dragonlord.
    18,376 words · 515 views · 64 likes · 0 dislikes
  • An Expression Of Love
    Twilight's in love with Fluttershy, and goes on an adventure with her to tell her that.
    277,532 words · 3,677 views · 285 likes · 23 dislikes

Blog Posts (12)

Source

*Currently Under Major Revision*

For Fluttershy it was suppose to be a normal day: meet up with Rarity for their weekly get together, get some apples from the market, then go home and tend to her animal friends. Then a dragon attacks the town and her life is changed forever.

She walks away from the attack, but not unchanged. She now has the ability to walk through fire without getting hurt, her hearing and eyesight have greatly improved, and she could speak a language that nopony, not even Princess Celestia, knows.

Dertermined to find out what happened to her, Fluttershy, along with her friends, head north to find a pony who could give her the answers she needs. Will she find what she was looking for? and if so, would she want them in the end?

Rated teen for some violence, some strong but not gory detail.

Constructive Criticism is greatly appreciated please.

Warning: Avoid comments because of spoilers.

Cover image is by spontaneouspotato on Deviant Art

Now reviewed by Not Worthy

First Published
8th Jan 2012
Last Modified
30th Dec 2012

Comments ( 808 )

#1 · Chapter 2 · 132w, 3d ago · · ·

not bad, tracked.

#2 · Chapter 2 · 132w, 3d ago · · ·

Great story, I'm really enjoying it so far. A few minor spelling errors here and there :facehoof: but otherwise solid :twilightsmile:

#3 · Chapter 2 · 132w, 2d ago · · ·

>>117426 thank you so much :twilightsmile: i hope you will enjoy what i've got planned next

>>117048 thank you for tracking, i hope you will enjoy what i put next

#4 · Chapter 3 · 131w, 5d ago · 1 · ·

Mother of Celestia, this story is so good. Tracking.

#5 · Chapter 3 · 131w, 5d ago · · ·

Well now, I do believe you can tell a story. Good show I say, good show!:moustache:

Seriously, good job on this chapter

#6 · Chapter 3 · 131w, 5d ago · · ·

While you're not so hot on your usage of the word your :raritywink:, you have quite a story and I am as eager as a CMC to find out the rest of it.

#7 · Chapter 3 · 131w, 4d ago · · ·

>>128854 thanks for the comment, and i'm glad your enjoying the story, and thanks for the criticism, i need it if i want to get better :twilightsmile:

#8 · Chapter 3 · 131w, 4d ago · · ·

>>128703 thanks so much, i hope you will enjoy the rest of it when it comes out

#9 · Chapter 3 · 131w, 4d ago · · ·

>>128284 thanks for tracking, hope you will enjoy what i've got planned in the future chapters

#10 · Chapter 3 · 131w, 4d ago · · ·

>>130532

No problem.  If you need a pre-reader I'll be happy to help.

#11 · Chapter 2 · 130w, 3d ago · · ·

Finnish, Nordish, Swedish?

I'm kinda curius its definately a scandinavian language or atleast thats what it sounds like

#12 · Chapter 4 · 130w, 3d ago · · ·

I'm curious to where you will take it from here, if it was me writing then i would get a block just about the ending.. I would have no idea where to take the story.

Still i assume you as the actual writer here probably already knows where to take the story, anyway good luck, so far its been a joy reading:pinkiehappy:.

#13 · Chapter 4 · 130w, 2d ago · · ·

>>151181 thank you, i'm glad you're enjoying the story, the language is in nordish, well done on that,:yay: and thank god for google translate, and yes i know where this will lead and and i hope you will enjoy it as much as i am writing it :twilightsmile:

#14 · Chapter 5 · 129w, 6d ago · · ·

Great job so far, I cant wait to see everyponys reactions to Fluttershy in a fire.

#15 · Chapter 6 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

Dun Dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN

#16 · Chapter 6 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

I hate cliffhangers btw:raritycry:

#17 · Chapter 6 · 128w, 5d ago · · ·

Still as awesome as before ^^ Keep on rolling ^^

#18 · Chapter 2 · 128w, 1d ago · · ·

Gak! Nyah! Grammar! Mistakes! Ack! :raritycry: Still though, good story. Tracked.:yay:

#19 · Chapter 7 · 125w, 1h ago · · ·

I gotta say I just :heart: this story so much. IMO its one of the best stories I have the privilege to read and I hope you keep up the great job your doing with this story.

#20 · Chapter 7 · 124w, 6d ago · · ·

>>275393 thank you, thats really made my day that has and i will try to keep it up

#21 · Chapter 7 · 124w, 2d ago · · ·

Mistakes first, review on the end. :P

1

Rarity had 10 apples

Fluttershy had 5 apples

both paid 5 bits

2

The pardon joke in chapter 2? Didn't get it.

Without a word she got of (HER) chair and made her way to the door. “Where’re you going” he friends called out behind her.

3


“I’m sorry about the *deception I put in there* (SECRECY? BEEING SO SECRETIVE? mINOR DECEPTION IN GETTING YOU HERE?), but...

I know sending (CALLING?) you up here on your own would damaging (FRIGHTENING/TROBLING?)...

Also it seems silly to do what celesti did without celestia knowing anything about what Flutters became.

I expected some sort of coneference about a rising number of dragon attack in the past few weeks.

4.

“Twilight, uhm… I suppose… thank you… for coming with me… and washing me… and drying me… and putting my bracelet on me”

A blush would be appropriate here. Twilight is so used to doing it she didn't think... It's a bit funny. I liked that.

4

“I trained the animals to head to the vets incase I needed to go away, it was a long time but I got the word around, the vet doesn’t seem to mind as well” so Twilight scratched off the last part and wrote to take care of himself.

well.... kinda strange...

perhaps altering that part to mention one other person that takes cares of animals,  splits the  burden with fluttershy? I kind of doubt that a pony veterinarian would only heal pets.




Bracelet bit on the end would have been amusing if you cleaned it up a bit. What is the bracelet. So far we knoe it lets you into the archives and lets the mayor of some town know celestia sent them...

About Twilight wanting one? Understandable for a bookworm but... Why is she crawling?

5

The waitress wrote that down “sure thing hun, sit down and I’ll deliver it to you” Fluttershy noticed a table for six *for* (WAS) free.

The waitress nodded “yes, he worked here for a while, had some rather good cooking skills so he was in the kitchen for a while, said he needed the bits”

(This part would be a good place to mention he was heading for a specific part of Horsica :) )

How did rarity get the meaning about the foals beeing hit from this:

“No its alright, I never knew my mother and father, I don’t even remember them, one of the carers said she found me outside the front entrance of the orphanage early one morning, she brought me in and raised me in her image, she was kindest gentlest soul I ever knew, never raised a hoof on any pony, and especially not me” she looked at her friends who gasped.

Perhaps if you added "unlike the other care takers" in there.

Still, ponies hitting foals seems kinda ooc. Unles it's spanking for burning downa kitchen or something.

“She said she found it on me when I was a foal, must have been given by my mother or father, said it gives me good luck."

A. Why would the caretaker keep it?

B. How would she know it's lucky. (CONSPIRACY! XD)

“Four years later, I got a letter, turned out I had an auntie, she only found out of my existence, but passed away before she was able to get me, so she left my name in her will, so I got hold of her cottage. So I packed what I had and moved to Ponyville” she said.

I thought she moved to ponyville because she wanted to take care of lovely critters?

Perhaps adding a comment on fortuious timing. (CONSPIRACY! XD)

The fire was still burning brightly as Fluttershy brought her left foreleg over it, stepping onto it. She then placed her right foreleg onto it, trying to be careful so not to damage the fire. She then moved her hind legs on it. The fire still as intense as it was when she stepped on it, as if she wasn’t there. She set down on her stomach, bringing her legs into her stomach and relaxed. Fluttershy never felt safer now than she ever had done. She felt warm, and found the feel of the fire soothing, and made her sleepy. She rested her head on the grass and fell quickly asleep.

Kinda awkward and I got this image in my head of fluttershy walkking on fire like she would on a cloud. I understand what you were trying to do say it was still kinda awkward.

Perhaps shomething like.

Fluttershy looked at her sleeping friends and then gatherd some firewood and put it near the fire for larer. She ran a hoof over the burnig wood and smiled at the gentle warmth. She curled up around the bruning logs and put her head on one as she would on a pillow. The warmth quickly put her to sleep. When the fire died down she would feel the cold and wake up just enough to drag some more wood to the warm core and restart the flame.

Sooty!Fluttershy in the morning. XD

5.

Rarity nearly died in horror “Fluttershy! Of all ponies, you should know how sleeping in a fireplace can’t be good for your complexion?”

Campfire, not a fireplace.

Bracelet again. Perhaps adding a mention of the royal seal, perhaps one glowing faintly with magic then checked?

Pinkies hopped a few feet, stopped and turned a full ninety degrees to the left and pointed.

This sentence has the same meaning as the sentence 'Pinkie pointed to the left.'

Also Pinkie, not Pinkies :)


The Inn with no name thing.

Perhaps it' a brand new building with a blank sign? How did they know it was an inn?


“Probably because the damn thing is never told, it’s kept a secret, only the princess’s knows about the war, and us, and that’s it”

Ooh, government censorchip of history books! CONSPIRACY! XD


“I’ve heard and seen worse things Fluttershy, *that* (YOU) ain’t any of them”

“By the way, you’ll need a fifty bits to get through, Firewing did so, I won’t let anypony through unless they’d willing to pay” he called to her. Fluttershy heard but didn’t respond as she walked out and headed left like Star said.

CORRPTION! CONSPIRACY!

XD

7

‘What does do I have?

I think you mean chance. XD






Overall the story has an ok premise, a good start and it's winding up now towards action.

I would have had the dragon fire in chapter 1 seemingly burn her away and then when it cleared having her be slightly singed, smoking but unharmed.

Death and rebirh is kinda cool too tho.

Celestia not knowing anything surprised me.

The dragon on the tracks was kinda wierd and I missed out on the tension there. Also it made little sense to me for Fluttershy to go alone fromt he train.

The traveling is kinda ok, sleeping in fire is ok even if you flubbed the description a bit (you ever been camping or had to tend a fire?) and you did a good job of making the two towns they visited seem different

Knocking out her friends and leaving them is odd but understandable

The last chapter (7) was kinda unexpected. Ditching the others was nececary for the dragon attack. So Iguess you were planning on it.

Do you plan on ditching the others for the rest of the story?

As for your style of writing, it is fine but but ha room for improvement, you need to pay a smidgen more attention on how you say things. I usually leave a chapter to sit for a day or two before I go over it. Or force a beta reader to do it when I have one.

Overall an ok story with potential. If you finish it and try your best to improve with each chapter  that will mean you are following the pony way of doing things in life. :)

Also I never played skyrim and have no idea about any of the lore. Not all of us do.

Watched.

#22 · Chapter 7 · 124w, 2d ago · · ·

>>291596 bloody hell that was long, but i read through it all and would like to thank you for poniting out those mistakes, i'll try to improve on them as i go along and be more careful on continutity

i'm afraid you going to have to wait for the next chapter to see what will happen to the rest of the mane six

and the first part of chapter 7, with the dragon attack, is a skyrim reference to the beginning of the game, but i've based Horsca more on the vikings than the game.

and i hope to explain the dragon on the tracks later on in the story.

thank you again for the review and hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story

#23 · Chapter 7 · 124w, 2d ago · · ·

>>291652

My pleasure. I don't usually review in detail like this but felt like you could use it since no pony else did it.

Your story is not epic but might be and such things need nurturing. :)

And even if it turns out average, others will enjoy it and your next one will be better from my nagging.

#24 · Chapter 7 · 124w, 1d ago · · ·

just to point out to everyone, i've corrected most of the errors pointed out by JadeCriminal

#25 · Chapter 8 · 121w, 3d ago · · ·

Sorry for the long wait everyone, making this one was a nigthmare!

Still its here now and i hope you enjoy it

#26 · Chapter 8 · 121w, 2d ago · · ·

Nice chapter:twilightsmile:

Only thing I can complain about is some small grammar problems such as:

there friend had basically abandoned them (should be their).

And somewhere one of them said "I afraid" instead of "I'm afraid".

I saw someother minor grammar problems such as that but otherwise this chap was superb, flow and characterization was top notch and a nice little cliffhanger to round it all of:twilightsmile:

4,5/5 stars for this chap, that half star was the small grammar problems that yanked me out of the flow making me think wich you don't want your reader to do:ajsmug:

#27 · Chapter 8 · 121w, 2d ago · · ·

>>369019 i'm glad you thought so, thanks for pointing out those errors for me, i will fix them right away

hope you enjoy the rest of the story when it comes

#28 · Chapter 2 · 118w, 3d ago · · ·

>>117426 Minor? GUUUUUURRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLL, I saw HUGE mistakes in grammar

using the wrong type of the same word, mixing up the sentences, and worst of all I saw

:pinkiesick:*shudders*:pinkiesick:

cApitaLizaTion errors

but other than that I see a perfectly good plot line

(not THAT kind of plot(I know you have your mind in the gutter))

#29 · Chapter 8 · 118w, 21h ago · · ·

please don't stop this story:fluttershysad:

(if you do you will need a thesaurus to decipher my linguistics only to discover a tirade of superlative proportions:eeyup::twilightsmile:)

#30 · Chapter 8 · 118w, 15h ago · · ·

>>467440 I'm not planning to mate :twilightsmile:

#31 · Chapter 9 · 116w, 1d ago · · ·

So he knows who she is:ajsmug:

#32 · Chapter 9 · 116w, 1d ago · · ·

Hmm, nice to see this updated. And so much juicy plot in this chapter too!

inb4someonementioningthatisaidplot

#33 · Chapter 9 · 116w, 23h ago · · ·

That was a great chapter. Now I eagerly await more. :pinkiehappy:

#34 · Chapter 9 · 116w, 13h ago · · ·

>>530402> thank you, i'm glad you enjoy the plot,

#35 · Chapter 9 · 116w, 13h ago · · ·

>>530865 thank you, i may be a while on the next one but it will be done

#36 · Chapter 9 · 116w, 2h ago · · ·

O hey you updated! neat! *sits down to read*

#37 · Chapter 9 · 115w, 6d ago · · ·

This story needs more love!

Only 16 like? Blasphemy!! :flutterrage:

#38 · Chapter 9 · 115w, 6d ago · · ·

>>534905 hope this keeps you entertained till the next one :pinkiehappy:

#39 · Chapter 9 · 115w, 2d ago · · ·

>>536198 I concurr:moustache:

#40 · Chapter 10 · 112w, 3d ago · · ·

I would like to take this moment to say thank you all for your kind words, your critical analysis and such. Your the reason i keep going with this and try to improve my writing skills, so thank you again. :twilightsmile:

#41 · Chapter 3 · 112w, 3d ago · · ·

Mate, do you need a translator for your dragon language? If you want to, just send me a message.

I know scandinavian when I see one but these sentences look like they came from a site way shittier than Google Translate.

Chapter 2:

Incorrect sentence: "Leave Equestria nå, og aldri vende tilbake. Og hvis du skade min freinds igjen, vil jeg finne deg "

(Suggested) Correct sentence: "Forlat Equestria nå, og aldri komme tilbake. Hvis du prøver å skade vennene mine igjen, skal jeg finne deg."

Translation: "Leave Ponyville now, and never come back. If you try to hurt my friends again, I will find you."

Chapter 3:

Incorrect sentence: “Regjeringstiden for brann har begynt, nå la hele verden brenne!” (Regjering, while literally translated as reign, it is a word that's often used as "government", so to me, "regjeringstiden for brann" sounds like "The fire government has begun.")

(Suggested) Correct sentence: "Tiden har kommet for flammene våres skal herske. Verden skal brenne."

Translatation: "The time has come for our flames to reign. The world shall burn."

#42 · Chapter 10 · 112w, 3d ago · · ·

>>653210 thanks for pointing them out mate, if you don't mind that is i'll give you a message again when it comes up again.

#43 · Chapter 10 · 112w, 2d ago · · ·

He's...her dad!? I honestly didn't see that coming. :pinkiegasp:

#44 · Chapter 10 · 112w, 2d ago · · ·

>>656296 and i'm glad you didn't :pinkiehappy: there will be more about why he left her in the later chapters.

#45 · Chapter 11 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

Hey everypony :pinkiehappy: well here it is the eleventh chapter of the story. Just recently I thought about giving you some of fun facts that I used in this story.

The name Ferghana is the name of a breed of extinct horses from central asia.

The name Hiemdallr is the name of a norscan god whose etymology could mean (a theory that is one of many) 'the one who illuminates the world', as his story bears somes resemblance to that of Prometheus. Although the norscan god is alot nicer than the dragon version.

The song Firewing sings at the end is the beginning of the song 'Darkness, Darkness' sung by so many singers it would take forever to name them all, but I personally know the song from 'Ghosts Of The Abyss', a documentary film about Titanic.

That's all, I hope you enjoy this and hopefully I won't leave you waiting as long for the other one.

#46 · Chapter 11 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

That was an excellent chapter. :pinkiehappy:

#47 · Chapter 11 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

>>737910 Thank you for thinking so :pinkiehappy:

#48 · Chapter 11 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

I knew Heimdall as a gods name, but I didn't know it could also be spelled Heimdallr. Does the "R" change the pronunciation to "Heim-dollar" or "Heim-duh-leer" ?

Just curious.

#49 · Chapter 11 · 110w, 10h ago · · ·

>>738437 I was just as surprised when I saw it can be pronounced as Heimdall, and I don't think it changes the pronounciation at all.

#50 · Chapter 10 · 109w, 6d ago · · ·

Vidarr, in his desperation acted fast. So he summoned a large group of the finest warriors of pegasi, the most powerful unicorn ponies and the strongest earth ponies together.

I think it would be better if you changed it to: Vidarr, in his desperation acted fast. So he summoned a large group of the finest warriors of pegasi, the most powerful unicorn mages and the strongest earth ponies together.

but that's just me

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