For Those That Want Adventure: A Review of Fluttershy20's "Last of the Dragonlords" · 5:10pm Jul 4th, 2013
A few notes before this begins
1. In the story, the world of the story, including Equestria and other countries, is known as Terra.
2. Since Fluttershy the character and Fluttershy20 the author are similar in name, I will indicate the author by using small caps like this
3. The review may seem discombobulated, because it probably is, and I had trouble saying what I wanted to say, but everything I say here is my honest opinion. I am willing to take criticism on my review, so that I may grow as a critic. 
Fluttershy has been seen to possess strength beyond even her knowledge, going above and beyond to help her friends. The episodes “Dragonshy” and “Stare Master” showed us that she will vehemently defend her friends from threats, and “Hurricane Fluttershy” shows that she will push herself to help friends in need. She hasn’t had a strong leadership role, though, tending to follow Twilight Sparkle or Rainbow Dash. In this story, that has changed. Fluttershy embarks on a journey that will change her life forever. She’ll have to deal with her deep flaws and resentments and take on a leadership role as she fights to save the world. This is
Last of the Dragonlords
by Fluttershy20
Word Count: 264,436
Before I continue with this story, I’d like to identify my experience and shortcomings as I tackle this story: there’s influence drawn from Norse mythology, and I’ve no knowledge of that, so I can’t comment on it. There’s also an influence from The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and The Lord of the Rings; I’ve played a little bit of Skyrim, and I’ve not yet finished The Hobbit. I cannot comment on any allusions or crossed-over elements, nor can I comment on the story; at the moment, I can only comment on the story as is.
Last of the Dragonlords is about Fluttershy acquiring the powers of the Dragonlords, an elite group of warriors whose origin is tied to a dark time in history. The quest Fluttershy goes on is not only to figure out what’s happening to her, but becomes confronting a part of her past and dealing with an approaching apocalypse. It’s a story about dealing with both a newfound self and an uncertain future, as well as taking the future into one’s own hands—or hooves, in this case.
But to bring about a change, there must be a change from the normal way of life, so what brings that about? Here’s a brief synopsis of chapter 1 and the beginning of chapter 2—I’m doing both because I believe chapter one ends prematurely, and where I’ll stop is where I believe it should’ve ended: It’s a regular day after a dream with the spa when Ponyville is attacked by a dragon. Fluttershy is swept away from her friends, and upon finding them again, she sees that Twilight is in danger of being devoured. She tries scolding the dragon like she did in “Dragonshy,” but ends up being incinerated. She, miraculously, recovers and tells the dragon off in an ancient language called Dargonian before fainting. She wakes up a month later to discover that her body has changed, with heightened senses, a fireproof body and the knowledge of Dragonian, the language of the dragons.
This fimfic is theme-heavy. It deals with the concepts of life and death, fate and choice, anger and impossibility. Thankfully, the concept of life and death is taken very seriously, where characters consider what’s going to happen with reasonability (for the most part; Fluttershy’s consideration at times is shaky). Anger and choice tie together, to the story’s advantage, as the appreciation for life is threatened by the power of anger. Impossibility is represented by the scale of the story; it takes place in a land where the inhabitants and the dangers are larger than Fluttershy, leaving her a much larger and more daunting challenge for her to overcome.
-Fluttershy
The consideration taken into Fluttershy’s character in this story is strikingly great. Her outbursts with her friends in “Putting Your Hoof Down” and her defending them from the dragon in “Dragonshy” both come into play as a key characteristic and challenge. Her bursts of speed and courage, as well as her stare, are used to give her strengths and weaknesses alike. I’m not sure how in-depth of a consideration Fluttershy20 made when integrating her character into his vision of the story, but I think it works out very well for the story.
For the most accurate representation of how I feel about her characterization, I must split character development and character growth into two separate categories.
Character development is a strong point for the story. Fluttershy is exposed to great experiences, witnessing killing and war, and this hardens her heart to the cruelties of the world. Doing the deeds herself leave her emotions not with clarity, but with turmoil, and I think that leaves a lot of room for character growth. Fluttershy changes with the constant exposure to danger and death, and in my own opinion, no instances feel unnecessary for her development.
The gifts entailed in Fluttershy’s initial transformation are improved sight and hearing, invincibility to fire, a stronger body and a knowledge of a new language. These gifts are talked about in the beginning of the story, although most of them proberly do not have their significance recognized (the fireproof body and the new language are saved when Fluttershy finds out about the history of the Dragonlords), while other parts of it are used in clever ways (like her hearing being used to hear the murmurs and whispers of the Ponyvillians, and her eyesight being used to see a bird not able to be seen by regular ponies. I feel like they’re used properly throughout the story with one exception, when (semi-major spoilers) Fluttershy is speaking in the language to a draugen chief, and he claims that a true Dragonlord wouldn’t have trespassed in his lair. This is odd because, as is stated earlier in the story, only a true Dragonlord can speak Dragonian, so the draugen’s claim seems false.
One bit of development in particular that stands out is how the concept of longevity is handled. Fluttershy is also gifted with the lifespan akin to dragons, meaning she’ll outlive her friends. She is devastated by this, and doesn’t really get over it. Her friends try to console her, and talk about it in wonder, but thankfully, Fluttershy doesn’t completely adjust to it. Some changes take time to adjust to, and this one will be hard; I’m glad Fluttershy didn’t completely adjust to it. I feel like this bit of character development was treated extremely well.
Character growth, on the other hand, is not so strong. The subplot dealing with Fluttershy’s anger issues is poorly handled, in my opinion, because she doesn’t learn anything about it until a character comes in and tells her how to stop being angry. That’d be fine, I think, except there’s no point before this (and this point is near the end of the story) that shows her even attempting to control her anger. There’s no progress made until the end, and I feel like that makes the learning process hackneyed instead of natural and genuine. In fact, the way it’s solved is not by a personal growth, but almost by a mandate, which I think isn’t that good of a choice. The dilemma with her anger is solved at the very end, but there isn’t a lot of growth in that area before that.
When she’s not facing a problem in anger, she’s usually resigning herself to her fate, another problem with the character growth. One of the story’s themes is appreciation for life, and yet Fluttershy allows herself a lot of moments where she gives up. It’s especially problematic at three specific areas. At one moment in the story, Fluttershy is trying to escape creatures known as the remans, which are the wolf version of Diamond Dogs, but instead of trying to fly around them or scare them away with her stare, she accepts her fate of captivity and slavery before a stroke of luck saves her. In another moment, when she’s facing a powerful adversary, she’s about to have her head crushed by a flail, and her first instinct is to rest where she is and let it crush her; this is a big complaint from me, given who the adversary is and the fact that, massive spoiler warning, this takes place at the climax of the story. The worst moment, though, is relatively early in the adventure, when she’s captured by anti-pony horses, and is about to be executed; in this scene, though, instead of even attempting to tell them why she’s in their country, and that she means them no harm, she lies down and prepares herself for the execution! Giving up in this story is frustrating, to say the least.
There are moments where she does display some genuine growth in her character, particularly in the middle. She’s a particularly frightful creature that follows characters around, but in Chapter 12 part 2, when a character is descending to their death, Fluttershy dives off of where she’s at to save him. This could just be considered instinct, but I believe it’s a moment where Fluttershy plunges headfirst into a dangerous situation in order to do something, and it’s the first time in the story where there truly is an observable moment of growth for the better.
Fluttershy herself is in-character, and the changes, though not well handled, seem significant to her character, which, in my opinion, makes the story compact in terms of characterization.
-Secondary Characters
The story is not written in third-person limited; if I read correctly, the story is written in third-person omniscient, or at the very least with a jumping third-person limited. We can see what’s going on not only in Fluttershy’s point of view, but in the Mane 6’s, in the horses, and in some other characters as well. It’s not only Fluttershy’s journey that’s shown but other characters’ journey to find her, or to complete their own tasks. While the scenes are written decent, some written well, I feel like this decision to not stick with Fluttershy’s point of view is a detriment to the overall story. On one hand, we get to see how other characters feel about Fluttershy’s transformation, and how the world is affected, giving the story a broader range of information. On the other hand, though, this is Fluttershy’s story, not anyone else’s, and I feel like going into other character’s points of view weakens her story overall because it reveals information detached from her, making us feel farther from Fluttershy. I don’t think the shifting point-of-view is a big problem, though, and the story can still be enjoyed without thinking about it too much.
The main villain in this story is Heimdallr, a dragon consumed by hatred with the intent of wiping out all sentient life. As a character, he’s tragic in how he came to be, making him three-dimensional in a story with a lot of philosophy to it. He’s not just a creature that’s bent on genocide or feasting on the living; he has a backstory that would support the creation of such hatred, and he’s active in his hatred. His ability to manipulate minds by control bothers me a lot—but then again, it bothered me when Discord used it in “The Return of Harmony”—but I’m sure this is just a personal complaint. As a piece of a larger story, I think he is a great antithesis to Fluttershy, she being the small kind creature that only wishes to love, and he being the large cruel creature that only wishes to hate. This provides a great contrast, making Fluttershy’s own dilemma that much more challenging and interesting. The only problem I have with him is the mind-manipulation, but again, that’s just me, I’m not a fan of it.
The concept of the Dragonlords is this: during a great war called the Great War, a dragon imbued two thousand ponies with his power, giving them the power to become the greatest warriors in Terra. With this power, they defeated Heimdallr and stopped him from causing world extinction. The order continued on, swearing to protect those that couldn’t protect themselves. The story does a nice job showing the greatness and yet the loneliness of a life the Dragonlords lived before most of them were wiped out. I also like how they’re not portrayed as a perfect order near the end, but still, and yet the character that recounts the Dragonlord’s history to Fluttershy makes it seem so; that was a time where I felt the character’s motivation for the way they described things fit. The history of the Dragonlords is also good; I have no complaints about it, personally.
The other characters, both canon and original, are either hit or miss for me. Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle are the best-written out of them, in my opinion. Rainbow Dash is put as a sister-figure for Fluttershy, and her desire to be there to protect Fluttershy even as she grows stronger and faces challenges on her own makes her stand out as a determined character; Twilight Sparkle, along with Rainbow Dash, is the most active in searching for Fluttershy, and I like how she both doesn’t come off as overpowered (save one case in chapter 2, where she can acquire an accurate analysis of a pony’s hearing faster than any doctor) and does come off as caring and strong. Applejack and Pinkie Pie are alright, the former being the sensible doubter that worries for Fluttershy’s sake, and Pinkie Pie acting as a moral support while still being Pinkie Pie. Rarity, however, was very bad in the first 60% of the story. Some of her dialogue is ridiculous, especially given the situation.
*while a dragon is attacking Ponyville* “Gee, Rainbow, I thought ya would be up trying to bring down that dragon by yourself,” Applejack said with a small grin.
Rainbow snorted. “Yeah, and get my rump kicked again?! No way, that’s why I’m waiting for the rest of yo-” She stopped and her eyes widened when she noticed something. “Where’s Fluttershy?”
“She’s not inside?” Twilight asked. Rainbow shook her head. “Darn it. Alright, we’ll head to her place and wait there until the dragon goes.”
The four ponies nodded and began to gallop until Rarity thought of something. “What about Spiky wikey?”
I think that made me cringe the first time I read it. Why Spiky-Wikey in a dire situation? That makes no sense to me. Here’s one more example:
*when the characters are telling Fluttershy they’re accompanying her on a part of the journey* “Fluttershy,” Rainbow chipped in, “remember what I said back in Canterlot. We begin this together and we end this together. I’m coming with you as well. And if we go down, we going down hot!” Fluttershy felt that smile grow a little bit bigger.
“Shucks, I’m in too, sugarcube, and there isn’t no amount of that druggy thing ya put on me goin to tell me otherwise,” Applejack said. Fluttershy’s smile formed into a grin.
“As am I,” Twilight said confidently. “You need us for this, now more than ever.” Fluttershy could feel tears of joy in her eyes.
“Darling, I simply cannot go home and leave you to ruin that splendid mane of yours.”
Sorry, but this comes off as less sincere and more I-need-to-fit-proper-characterization-in-somehow. It’s the dialogue that mainly brings Rarity down for me, but thankfully it got better later on.
Note: Talking about this next character will reveal a major plot-point in the story, so most of it will be in spoilers.
The most important original character is Firewing, a pegasus and a Dragonlord who’s embarked on a mission to stop Heimdallr from bringing the ruin of life, and who is Fluttershy’s father. He’s a fun-loving jokester who has seen a lot, and takes to Fluttershy’s company at first with reluctance, and then with warmth before he finds out that she’s his daughter. The main focus with him is his relationship with Fluttershy. To be honest, it’s okay, but I feel like Fluttershy bonds to him much too quickly. At the 75% mark of the story, she’s angry with him, and refuses to acknowledge him as her father; at the end of the same chapter, she calls him dad, and the next chapter they’re buddy-buddy. I think that’s rushing it, and resentment and awkwardness don’t really work themselves out like I feel like they should. For non-spoiler purposes, I’ll say he’s an alright character, although I feel like his function in the story happens much too quickly, making this part somewhat unrealistic.
The other new characters are well-rounded for original characters. The two main horses, Thowra and Freya, are good characters based on an original-character standard. Thowra is slightly less characterized, coming off as sorta illusive and determined at times, yet sweet and laid back at others. Freya is a kind-hearted humble queen that does her best to help Fluttershy along her way. While Thowra is logical, Freya is more emotional—at least in my opinion—so they play their influences on Fluttershy well. The other major supporting character to note is Vidarr, a dragon that aids Fluttershy. Out of all the characters in the story, Vidarr is probably the least well-handled; for me, I wanted to see him follow Fluttershy along, keep her safe, guide her along the way, and kinda be a mentor in the way of dragons. Before he becomes a serious member of the party, though, we only see him once, and that part promised a good start for this character. I honestly feel like he was severely underutilized, and he came across as less of a helper and more of a deus ex machina. There is a tidbit about his wanting Fluttershy to learn lessons on her own, but his presence at the end, to serve her, without any influence between before the journey really begins and when he comes into play, makes his appearance feel less like a necessity and more like a convenience for the characters.
I liked Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Thowra and Freya, while Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Firewing were alright, and Rarity and Vidarr were the weak links in the story for me.
-Setting
Whereas Fluttershy20’s character-usage was hit or miss for me, his setting was almost always a hit. The story takes place in Horsca, the land of the horses, equines that are larger and more athletic than ponies, but without pegasi and unicorns. The landsape is dominated by mountains, plains and rivers and streams. His descriptions are consistently great, when he doesn’t use adjectives to say that it’s beautiful. Here’s two examples of his description, first a landscape:
The Frozen Steppes was just miles and miles of featureless land. Segments of grass and rocks were scattered here and there, giving shelter for the smaller creatures from the elements. The steppes were split in two halves: one end [headed] south towards the borders, while the other headed north, towards small pony kingdoms and the ocean. While the southern section was featureless, the northern side, however, was covered in swamplands. Dead trees and bushes littered the landscape and the swamps were filled with dark, sticky water.
And second, a room:
She was in a bedroom, not a cell thankfully. Wooden in structure and very spartan in furnishings; a single wardrobe in a room that could take about five [pony-sized] wardrobes, and a single door with a golden horse on it. While above her was a sword, about three times as long as hers and had a handle with teeth holders to wield it properly on it.
I have very little to complain about the description of the setting, as it’s vivid and not overbearing. My only complaint on the description would be those phrases that say it’s beautiful, unnecessarily breaking the show-don’t-tell rule.
Do I have any problem with the setting? Yes, I do, and it’s found when one looks at the story-related aspect of Horsca. The country is engulfed in a civil war between the north and the south because one side sees themselves superior to the other. This makes sense, I suppose, but there’s a justification that there’s a false ruler, for some reason, and yet they never explain how Freya came into power. She doesn’t see herself as a queen, calling herself a shepherd, so what reason do the Andalusians (the intolerant “bad guys”) have to hate her and the Palominans (the tolerant “good guys”)? It doesn’t make sense, and it makes the civil war seem petty—which could’ve worked, by the way! One thing talked about quite a bit in the story is the pettiness of wars in Terra, and if this was made out to be a petty war, and there was no discernible “good side” and “bad side,” then that could’ve helped that particular theme along. As it is, though, the civil war isn’t explained very well, and it seems to encumber the story rather than help it.
-Plot
The plot itself seems compact. Despite the story’s problems, most events in the story lend itself to the overall story (with one exception being a meeting with Adrana which, while pleasant, doesn’t really do anything to the story, I don’t think), and each part is written in a way that keeps it fresh and engaging. The beginning does take some time to get into the main conflict, but it compensates for that by having Fluttershy getting used to her new abilities. The middle of the story has some action, some big battles, and some internal and relationship conflicts that are interrelated in the overall scheme of things. The climax is… sorta a let-down, but that’s mainly because overcoming it is made much too easy, with the “controller” being pointed out almost immediately, creating a fixed goal instead of having them merely fighting for their lives at first. The climax is still interesting, it’s just made more so. The epilogue is… It’s more something that wraps up loose ends, and although it doesn’t really fit into the overall story in a continuing fashion, it is written in a way that helps conclude the story.
The strength with the plot comes, I believe, from the setting. Horsca is a big place dominated by creatures larger than ponies, so the challenges they have to face is large. Where there are towns, then challenge is fitting into the culture despite the change. When characters are in a dungeon, they have to keep on their toes; when they’re in the open, there’s time for contemplation, which adds depth to the story. The use of after-battle scenes brings the reality of death closer to the characters, making the story more intense, which I feel is a good thing.
The character interplay is also a great part of the plot. How the other characters interact with Fluttershy while she’s changing and going through her conflict feels like a balanced relationship, one with its doubts and faults and yet one that means to stand resolute. Characters are there to support each other or berate each other when needed. Great relationships are built along the way, the greatest being the sister relationship between Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. For the most part, when a character is added to the party or when they leave, it feels like it had to happen (the exception being Vidarr).
The obstacles are set at a high bar, with the threat of danger being a great one. I’ll admit that the threats from the natural world are not given much focus, since most of the time the weather’s nice and beautiful—this gets better later on, though. The fights the characters have to go through test their skills, and it hardly seems like it’s ever easy. The riddles that are presented in the story, though, are solved very quickly, to the plot and the challenge’s disadvantage. Overall, though, what challenges there are, are handled nicely.
The main problem with the plot, as I’ve said before, is the lack of chances for Fluttershy to grow as a character. Her anger issues are dealt with near the end, without much progression to them. This may also be the result of a character-interplay that’s too nice. The characters are always reassuring Fluttershy that she’s going to be fine, leaving them very constant. There’s very little conflict between them, and while their relationships do grow, they’re rarely challenged. If the story challenged Fluttershy more than it did, then the development in her character would probably stand out more, and feel much better earned. The other, much more minor problem would be that riddles encountered in the story are solved very easily, the second one bothering me more than the first.
If there’s anything that could’ve been added, it might be more involvement from dragons. Throughout the story, Fluttershy and friends encounter five dragons—one of these being Spike. There’s an interesting mention of Heimdallr’s history that says he corrupted dragons’ hearts with an intense greed; I think exploring how dragons’ greed is affected after the events are good and done would’ve added some depth to it. A look into the lives of the dragons could also have made the dynamic between Dragonlords and their counterparts/adversaries a lot more fleshed out.
Two specific chapters need to be talked about. The first is chapter 7, which I will call “The Skyrim Chapter.” It’s the chapter that most heavily takes influence from The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, mainly the attack on Helgen. The attack on an execution, the kind sergeant that doesn’t really want to execute Fluttershy, the “last thoughts should be of home” line are all in this chapter; there’s even a line from a conversation with Jarl Balgruuf:
“I had a perfectly good view as the city collapsed around me with Fluttershy on my back.”
The other chapter is chapter 13, in which one character recounts his life story. It’s the only story written mainly as a first-person narrative. The chapter isn’t written well, mainly, I believe, because Fluttershy20 tried to maintain sweeping descriptions without considering the narrator. Here’s a part from it that expresses my concern over it:
Anyway, I made my way over to the room of Vidarr, which was at the furthest place from the main gate and landing area. In front of it stood two guards, both armed with spears and sword bracelets and armoured in bright gold armour, which was worthy of their rank as honour guard. Whereas I was wearing a light brown hooded robe, which draped down my body and covered my hooves and tail.
This seems like overdescription, something the narrator wouldn’t bother talking about but to give the reader description. I don’t find much relevance knowing why he was wearing a hood that covered him up completely. I feel like that’s a challenge with first-person point-of-view: describing what’s going on while keeping the descriptions relevant and significant to the narrator. It doesn’t work in this chapter.
-Technicals
A quick note on the technicals. Spelling and grammar are a problem in this story. It’s not so bad that it’s unreadable, I don’t think, but there are a variety of problems. At least one case of missing capitalization, at least two missing quotation marks, other miscellaneous errors, and plenty of mixed-up homophones. Its and it’s, your and you’re, to and too, lead and led, breath and breathe, and a few less common homophones or close homophones—fowl and foul, fourth and forth, even borrowed and burrowed—are mixed up in the story. There’s a variety of errors, but for the sake of the reader, here are the most common that I spotted:
-The most noticeable and most persistent error I noticed is the constantly changing tense. The story is told in past tense, but for some reason, the tense switches from past to present, sometimes to future tense, sometimes even to conditional tense where it probably shouldn’t. I’m not sure if it’s due to how involved the narrator seems to be, but it’s very distracting for me.
-At the first half of the story, there’s quite a number of missing apostrophes.
-The two most mixed-up (close-)homophones in the story are suit and suite—most common in the phrase “follow[ed] suit[e]”—and bated and baited—as in “_____ waited with ba[i]ted breath”.
-There’s quite a few instances of both run-on sentences and sentence fragments.
-There’s quite a few instances of subject-verb-number disagreement, like here
“Give us a moment. We just need to get out stuff together,” Twilight said, darting to where her sword and saddlebag was (were) and began attaching them to her leg and back respectively.
-The last error that stood out for me is the eschewing of the period whenever writing Mr. or Mrs.
There may be some explanation for these, but these definitely distracted me the most. Like I said, though, it’s not so overwhelming that it’s unreadable; this is just a heads-up on where the story has its biggest technical problems.
There are also some things I took issue with in terms of prose, and this might be just me, but these things did bother me:
-There are some contradictory statements, such as this from chapter 6: “The city of Detrots was much like Ponyville in a way. The structures were wooden in build and the area was pretty flat. But that’s were any resemblance ended.” Another area of contradiction is dealing with Horsca’s burial process, going from tombs to leaving the bodies out for Valkyries to outright burying the bodies.
-Fluttershy20 describes some things more than once, like how characters basically look, and tells us some things and then shows us the exact same thing.
-Superlatives.
“It came out of nowhere, and nobody even heard it until it was too late,” he said to the stunned ponies. “It attacked the city and killed everyone except me and Fluttershy in about twenty minutes, burnt it all to the ground. Her and me were extremely lucky to escape. If it wasn’t for that wall over there that was destroyed, I don’t think we would’ve got out. Afterwards, I took her to Castilian, the capital city of Horsca, and that was when she told us all about you and your adventures.” He paused before adding, “And might I say you six are far braver than any soldier in the Palominan army.” (way to debase your country’s soldiers, Thowra. Sorry, but I feel like this part wasn’t necessary at all.)
There’s a lot of cases where something is the most beautiful, or the best, or the bravest, and most of these don’t feel necessary.
-One more thing dealing with technicals that bothered me was the phrases that had something along the lines of “to be honest” or “honestly”. These phrases have information that feels entirely unnecessary. I can only think of one case where it didn’t feel like it was shoehorned in to give a grandiose sense.
For the most part, the plot is compact, but if I were to complain about the pacing, I’d say it’s too rushed. The part about Fluttershy’s anger doesn’t progress very well, making a high jump of change near the end; Firewing’s part isn’t developed well, I don’t think. The rest of it, though, seems fine, and I know that’s risky saying that about a 250,000+ word story like this, but the pacing is more affected by things I feel could’ve been taken out, like the shift in point of view. I honestly don’t have a lot to complain about with the pacing.
The last thing I’d like to talk about is how the story quality changed from beginning to end, to see how the quality changed. The story was first posted on Fimfiction.Net when “Sweet and Elite” was the newest episode, and it was finished when Season 3 was underway, which provided for a lot of time to grow as a writer. The missing apostrophes are present in the beginning of the story, but that problem is gone by the later chapters. The tense changes, however, persist throughout the story. The grammar does improve in the later on. The dialogue at the beginning is very wooden, at times uninspiring; later on, though, the dialogue becomes decent, to the point where what’s being said is in character, and is placed to present information, situation and to advance the plot. The setting is somewhat glossed over at the beginning, but it’s given more focus later on, giving a greater sense of atmosphere and mood. The conflicts are shaky from beginning to end, and the prose doesn’t suffer much except from those problems stated above. Overall, the only thing I didn’t see much growth in is the plot; everything else showed a great improvement later in the story.
In conclusion, this story is flawed in some aspects. The most pressing of these is the story’s development: Fluttershy’s growth from a pony with emotional turmoil to a clear-minded pony happens too suddenly, her development with Firewing is rushed, and that part with Horsca’s civil war bears little significance to the story. The technicals are also a stand-out issue, particularly with tense changes.
However, I would recommend this story for people that like adventure and fantasy, particularly those that deal with dragons. Fluttershy20[/smcals]’s biggest strength with this story is the setting, as it’s detailed, vivid and placed in a way to create a mood when it’s needed. While some characters are not well-written, some others are written very well, giving a new dimension not only to themselves but to Fluttershy and to their relationship. It sets up its villain and main conflict nicely, and the plot itself, although lacking in places, is set up to be an enjoyable experience.
I find this story unique in its concept. I don’t know how common or rare Fluttershy-on-her-own stories are, but this story has that, and it has a great atmosphere that makes the adventure vast and large-scale. It deals with Fluttershy’s character in a unique way, one that showcases some powers and faults in a way I’ve never seen happen before. For a first-fimfic, this is an impressive story, and a nice homage to fantasy stories.
Yes, I found some things unenjoyable, but for me, this story was worth reading. In short, it’s a story that’s a bit short on development, but with a vivid setting, good character-interplay, and an engaging premise make this a recommended read.
Notes afterward
First off, I’d like to thank Chris for the suggestion in another of my analyses to look at how the writer’s style changed from early to late. I know that was meant for multiple works, but I think the tip applies here nicely. So thank you for that.
Secondly, I'd also like to thank First Down and Sypher. I took your advice on (an attempt to be) reducing my usage of the words "nice" and "interesting" (First Down) and shortening my introduction (Sypher). I think it worked out for the better, so thank you for that.
Thirdly, I’d like to issue an apology to Fluttershy20. I did my best with this, but with my inexperience, I most likely most definitely didn’t do your story justice. So if you read this, I apologize.
Finally, I implore anyone that notices things I could be doing better with these critiques to point them out to me. I fully concede that there’s a lot that I can learn, and I’d be grateful for any tips I can receive.
You made some fantastic points that you marked. It felt as though I was reading an actual review from a magazine or something. Very well done on that part.
I'm not going to say I had reasons for this, that and the other, I know I made some mistakes and if I could go back and change the beginning especially. I came up with the idea where it starts with Fluttershy waking up, heading downstairs and finding Twilight, who later explains what happened to her. I would go and change it, but it wouldn't be fair on those who read it before me.
Secondly, I know some of it felt rushed, but I didn't know how to fill in those points, and anything that seemed to be "oh, what's that for" is going to be in the sequel at some point. You're not the first person as well who said the final fight was a bit lacking, which is something that will be different in the sequel; I have a whole battle planned out for that! The final fight will be longer.
I will say more, but time is short for me. Thank you for the review, and a good one as well. I might link this on a blog so my watchers could have a look. Thank you for reading it, and I am glad you enjoyed it for the most part.
I like the way you introduced this story. It flows quite nicely.
There's no need to be so self-deprecating. The review looks quite thorough and organized from what I have seen and/or skimmed through.
)
(also, 'willing' instead of 'wiling'
I notice that you say the story is theme-heavy, but when I look through the document I only see the word 'theme' three times. That could just be because you decided to use other words to note them (as stated, I haven't physically read through the entire review), but it may be worth mentioning in case not enough detail is added regarding that section.
I must question why you say 'spoiler alert' rather than simply spoilering the information. If it's important enough, it should just be spoilered. If not, there's no reason to give an alert.
Nitpicking now. When I read "there's no point before this' I interpreted 'point' as 'reason' rather than 'a moment in time.' If you said something like "at not point before this" or something, the meaning would probably be more clear.
I don't have much to say about your opinions, given that I haven't read the story, but they definitely seem well thought out.
I don't think I'll be reading the story, simply because I dislike it when authors don't bother to correct their technical errors. I understand that problems within characterization or pacing or plot development would be difficult to fix, but the same is generally not true for grammar or spelling, etc. The technical issues aren't the problem for me, it's an author who is unwilling to go back and fix them.
1187646 I'm glad you enjoyed my review. I hope it at least gave you some ideas on what to focus on in the sequel.
1187851 I have a bad problem with self-deprecation, but I'll keep that in mind in the future. As for your other points, they make sense, and I changed the first two points, but not the third. Thank you, and I hope to continue providing good critiques in the future.
Hope you continue following and helping me out; I appreciate your help.
1188749 Indeed it did, and I will definitely avoid using first person in the future, and I am going to keep the story mostly in Fluttershy's point of view , with only a few changes to character change depending on the situation.
Oh, also, about Rarity's character. i said this in a comment, and I still stand by that statement: Rarity is the hardest of the mane six to write for. I thought Pinkie would be the challenge, but nope, it was Rarity.
1187851 I would go back and change them all if I had the time, but with so much in real life and writing the sequel, it gets hard to find the time. Plus, I am terrible at finding mistakes on my own, especially the ones that are missed by Word. The sequel is better written, for the fact that I know more than I did when I wrote this and I have help from others to find the mistakes I make. You don't miss much if you avoid the first one; the sequel's mostly self explanatory.
1189411
I'm always willing to do a comb-over, if you'd like. I understand that you do have time constraints, though. I've never been a fan on skipping stories in a series, however, no matter how well the other story (or stories) works on its own.
I guess I'll think about it. I haven't read a 'long' fic in a large while.
1189739 Neither have I, really, but sometimes I enjoy the story so much I just keep reading, and then go back and read the first few. I once read this book from a series about two roman centurions by Simon Scarrow, and I enjoyed it so much I bought the first one and started collecting the series. It's your choice, though, don't let me pressure you into it.
If you could help give it a comb over, then that would be great. I have all the documents as they look from FimFiction edit page on my computer, for emergency purposes. If you want to help with it then I could send them to you, and then you send them back and I put them up in its final form.
1189769
I can do it, though it will be more like reading through the story and paying attention to any glaring errors (at least, ones that pop out to me) rather than a line-by-line type analysis. I don't know how long it would take, but I haven't read a long fic recently, so I may as well start with this one.
That is, if you're willing.
Anyways, I'll stop spamming Not Worthy's blog now. If you'd like to discuss details, feel free to PM me.
1190004 Of course, thank you, it would be a great help
1190010 Hope it works out well for you guys. My arrogant, attention-longing side, though, is still wondering if this blog is worthy of a mention in one of yours.
1190028 I did think about it after I had read it, and I certainly will add a link to this blog. I may even put it on the actual story page for people to look at. What do you think?
1190039 That's fine. I'm honored you would consider doing that!
1190053 It is the least I can do for you.
Thanks again.