Ulysses has only seen war in his life but an opportunity presented itself when NASA was looking for test subjects for cryogenics. He took the offer in hope that by the time he re-awoke that all would be right... he was wrong, now he has to come to terms with his planet slowly being consumed by Equestria. He will learn in order to finally go home he will have to do one more job for Princess Celestia.
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Oooh, a first fanfic, I like those. Hm, there are some issues with grammar, say a few mishaps with tense and the spelling of some words. Is that some heavy spoilers in your story synopsis? Also, the narration is sometimes quite redundant, for example when he's changing clothes or "all his joints on his body" -- What other joints does he have apart from the ones in his body? And what? Mutation? That's gonna come up later, isn't it? I would've liked to know more...
There isn't much story yet, this being a prologue and offering no real conflict to speak of, so we'll have to wait for updates, don't we? There's still a lot of stuff you can throw Lt. Ulysses Valera into (dat name). And I LOVE your alias, I wish I had come up with that. See? I ended in a positive note!
106847
) the changing of cloths is Cailets fault of near on rewriting my work (before it was, he removed his cloths and place on the gray jumpsuit, and it was left like that). The Mutation thing may pop up in the future. And you like both Ulysses and DaBunnanaKing... thank you. And thanks for the tips and help because now I know where im going wrong.
Ok well the grammar and language is my fault, the synopsis I kinda rushed (so looks like i have lots of writing in the future[the next 5hrs or so]), the narration ill tone down (I wanted to make it sound fancy
I'm liking what I see so far, tracking this to see what comes next
107389
Thanks, now back to more writing.
*mashes hands on keyboard*
Curse you writers block!!!
107394 I share the pain dude, it's taking me forever to get my chapter 8 done
OMG'S
BEST STORY EVAAARRRR
<33333333333333
107723
Cailet, did I said you could stop editing. Now back to editing the new part which should be out by now since I can conquer writes block with deadmau5 and Battlefield 3. Now to work on the third part.
*Runs off to start writing*
ha ha ha ha, now no one will ever find out that I'm using secret messages in the stories to make people do my bidding, now I'm one step closer to world domination with ponies.
Well look at that, it's me again. Still not much plot, but it's going straightforward now. I see you've unified the narration, and I think it's working better. There are still some lingering grammar goofs (kick your editors). About the story, Valera's freakout is strange. He's expecting crazy stuff from the future, but a pastel-colored "robot" is too much? And he just runs for the nearest exit? Also, Doctor Butcher.
I'm still looking forward to see where this is going. Otherwise I wouldn't be reading it, would I.
111357
Well the editors are being whipped as we speak, Velera... Well I thought it would be funny but oh well (back to the drawing board), and Doctor Butcher wasn't my idea, at first it was a joke but we decided to keep it in for the lolz and the next chapters are going to be a bit dry on plot so I can set stuff up so that things wont seem strange when I drop the plot stuff makes sense, and I may put Chapter 2 up soon after more editing. oh well back to the writing.
Fanfic issue #1 (No offense) - much like many other issues the story goes by too fast. I now understand that one of the biggest challenges to a fanfic is writing it so it paces along nicely. It almsot seems to go by to fast. I fill a god way to pace it hee would be to elaborate on the Lt.'s coinfusion as he slowly tries to get a grip on reality. Perhaps when he get's out of the cryo statis he falls out and onto his knees caoughing, and then is tackeld by the tiny horse. Or when he's looking for his old gar have him discuss the world of his pas with the soldier. Just something so that it doesn't speed along so fast.
Issue # 2 (No offense) - when you start a new line of dialogue from an ew voice you want it to bwe anthe paragraph. THe way you currently have it dialonguw looks like one huge wall of intimidating text. Don't do this the below Ulysses caugh violently as he fell out of the cryo pod. a choked "where-when?" was all he managed.
"Welcome to the future" an unkown voice chuckled.
"What"
"78 years into the future."
When writing dialogue you want the below
"So your saying it worked?"
"Indeed it did."
"And my family?" Ulysses was struggling to come to terms, Surehe knew this was exactly what would hapen, but his freezing mind was struggling to turn it's gear having never needed to function in over 78 years.
"I don't know" the voice said.
"I'm so damn cold." Ulysses coughed, sending a shiver through his freezing body.
Each line a dialogue should be written as it it being it's own paragraph. Oh, and each new paragrap should begin with a *tab* in order to indent it.
Hope that helps!
Each new time you change speaker you want a new paragraph to represent this*
(Horrible spelling on my part :P )
112338
Wow thanks for the constructive criticism, and I was wondering if I could use what you wrote there, if thats ok with you.
By all means go ahead, my friend!
112338
and I think the reason I'm rushing is because I want to get to the plot because the next coming chapters I want to establish Ulysses standing point on the world being invaded with cute 'n' colorful ponies and him coming to turns with that and how he is going to live in this post-apocalyptic world he has woken up in.
Why did I get the feeling I just spoiled something? Oh well, I guess spoilers, Earth is f***d up the bum due to humans polluting it (go figure)
112338
Thanks
*Mashes hands on keyboard*
Yes this will do just fine
Once again thanks .
Just be sure to correct my egregious typos :P.
Still a story, no matter how good, when rushed can be akward. You'll miss out on chances for exposition at reasonable time. You don't want an entire chapter of exposition where you could have fit it in, in pieces, throughout earlier ones. Good luck.
112353
Dont worry about the typos (thats why Cailet exist) and now im glad some one told me other wise there would be a whole chapter of Ulysses going
"Wait, wheres Millner, my parents, friends and Carman Sandiego?"
Stuff like that and the Doctor Butcher for a WHOLE CHAPTER!!! any how, back to writing.
*Mashes hands on keyboards*
May I be so bold (I fear my commenting may be getting annoyingly frequent) as to reccomend you write your new chapters is something like Microsoft Word (I use Open Office) to ensure you make no mistakes in spelling? Then C&P to your newest chapter for your document. That way Caliet will only have to search for missue of words or illogical sentence construction. IMHO it helps prevent any spelling errors as I am a one man team. It does not, however, remove illogical sentence construction or missue of words (it won't detect issue with ung the word 'pore' when you menat the word 'poor.').
Good night (Day?), and good buck.
112373
I do use Microsoft Word its just I'm usually up late writing, Cailet edits a lot of it because of the epic writing that I do up until the early mornings. The grammar I usually pick up on when I reread it to make sure she didn't rewrite it but now and again I do miss out on it.
Just be glad it isn't like this any more. Click if you dare.
Shocking. I know, thank god for extensive editing by Cailet, Caleb and me. Gotta love friends that read to much and write to much (Cailet) and your fellow brony (Caleb)
Well this story has been good so far, I look forward to more chapters (I say that a lot XD)
114815
just let me wake up the editors with the waking stick of anti-sleeping. 
Ok, now thanks to birds who wake me up early be expecting more chapters soon.
Ok maybe soon, Ill just have a quick nana-nap
Argh! Missed the first comment (my computer decided to screw me a few times, or something)! Is it Valera or Velera? Not much grammar goofs, but consider checking on how to punctuate dialog (doesn't bother me, though someone might mind).
Formatting, structure and narration are pretty smooth, kicking those editors really did something, I see. Redundancy spotted: Vaelera talks about technology and then thinks about technology; location is outskirts but the group "reaches the outskirts" after awhile. Also, he takes the (bad) news of Earth's future fate a little bit too cool.
116762
This displeases me that you are late with your comment, anyhow the Editor stick seems to work very well. Redundancy, well this is my first fanfic so I will try harder, (Blame Cailet) and the Earth being destroyed and him taking it cool, well he did throw away his life in the past to get frozen so. guess what, my fault, Ill fix it... somehow, and maybe I should read what I post just to check my main characters last name is spelt correctly.
But now I sleep so I can do more of this *mashing hands on keyboard* and think of stuff to throw in Ulysses face to make him *SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER* and thats how Equestria was made. I have the idea in my head its just the translation from brain to Microsoft Word.exe doesn't seem to be working so dont be expecting and new chapters popping up because Chapter 4 is eathier going to be long or im splitting it into two parts for *SPOILER SPOILER* to make everything flow better when the Plot appears. any how I probs dropped the Spoiler bomb so where is the shame corner for me to sit in for a bit and think about what I have done.
OK BYE FOR NOW!!!
Warning: Hitchhikers may be escaped inmates.
bungie.net/images/games/wallpapers/eos93kdjig.jpg
Foreshadowing ^^^^
Good so far Waiting for more chapters
Well now, this story is shaping up to have quite an interesting plot. Looking forward to more.
If y'all came looken fer plot (or the actual story) then you ain't gonna see it soon since I'm still setting up Ulysses squad and their personalitys but yes the plot has kinda started.
Dammit and me with spoilers.
He seems to be taking the talking horse factor quite well.
Somebody's been playing Battlefield.
th00.deviantart.net/fs70/300W/f/2010/281/2/a/me_gusta_by_megustaplz-d30cns2.jpg
142585
How do you know but yes its the only way I can find guns besides the ones that the Australian Defense Force and the Special Air Service Regimen use in active service.
So if you know lots of guns please tell, for I must know for up coming chapters(Or other fanfics).
And he got over the fact that he was pounced on by Bronze early on so he has dealt with it.
Hehe. Nice chapter. Action packed and nothing else much to comment for.
147340
You could say "Oh Bunnana King you are the greatest writer in the world and deserve a trophy and one way ticket to Equestria because you are hansom and so sexy."
Something like that.
147351
We should raise an army. And take over fimfiction.net. After that, we'll take all profit from the website and spend it on SCIENCE! And thus, a 2 man portal to Equestria was made.
147408
Yes but I don't know where I put that Hadron Collider or the Tesla Coils, oh well I'm sure this Black hole generator powered by anti-matter would work. Let me just see if I can get a Globemaster to transport the thing to NASA to see if we can use their rockets so we can send it to the moon so we can build a Moonbase and scream aeiou or Football till the cows come home or until we get to Equestria... Deal?
Oh Bunnana King you are the greatest writer in the world and deserve a trophy and one way ticket to Equestria because you are hansom and so sexy.
Make that 3 man :D>>147427 Make that 3 man
147427
Sounds great. You have an xbox? I trying to get people together for Battlefield and Halo: Reach. Also I recently got Saints Row 3, so looking for a co-op partner.
Actually I did a little bit of Rewriting on chapter four, But none on this one
ALSHO!
Because I don't feel like reading it again right now, did you add anything new to the chapter?
and some epic dash to top all that off ---->
147836 ok so all we need is Randal to get in on the one way ticket to
Equestria and then we become The Four Amigoes who do stuff. Oooooooh I feel a fanfic comming on.
147957 my gamer tag is easy to figure out all you have to do is add some spaces and BF3 is all I play theses days.
148602 yea a lot actually I added some stuff and rewrote some things you should read it and chapter 5.
149146
I added you. Up for some BF3 right now?
147957 gone fishing.
149478
heheh alright. When you gonna be back?
149505 I'll be on tommorow. K.
Shamelessly enthusiastic! Enjoy yourself writing it, BK.
169187
Holy crap!! Its you... ummmm... Hi and why are you reading this (Besides its a CB story)? Or have I just become a good write all of a sudden... Whelp I'm blaming this on Dylan.
169201
Well, to be brutally honest, it's mostly because I'm a sucker for the setting. This is what I call a "shameless romp", and I enjoy seeing a writer enjoying himself (or herself) just writing and not taking themselves too seriously. You need help with basic spelling, grammar, punctuation and sentence structure, but you've got the bug. It's cute and harmless, and practice makes perfect.
169369
Well first of all I am a male... or am I *checks*... Wait, yes I am and if no one has noticed besides Shadow I have never ever taken writing full on serious (right now I am writing this while wearing a mexican hat and a pair of aviators*. The spelling, grammar, punctuation and sentence structure has slowly been improving but I still need to practice and thats what I'm hopping to achieve with Project S6ECO {may change the name} (aka Project Sexico [worlds biggest inside joke of a fanfic])but yes. I will continue to write while the 10hr version of Their taking the hobbits to Isenguard is playing off in the background while I argue with Taswacc and Randle that ever thing in Australia will kill you... Especially the grass.
So as always my people need me.
BUNNANA AWWWWAAAYYYY!!!
>> DaBunnanaKing
I heard about this grass called speargrass or something that. It is just like it's name suggests. So it can kill you. Well, hope you won your argument.
195913 dude last biv I was on I fell into that stuff and cut up my leg and I still got a scar from it. That stuff will mess you up.