The Horrible Truth
The lounge in the Guard barracks was always crowded, Private Dawn Spear thought as he wove his way through the press of armored bodies to the table his friends had saved for him. The unicorn slid into his seat with a sigh and the popping of stiff joints
“There he is! Glad to see the old ironflank finally let you get some time off!” Sergeant Guillotine shouted, tossing back a swig of cider. Dawn had no idea what a guillotine was, but the look he’d gotten when he’d asked had persuaded him not to ask again.
“So what’ve I missed?” Dawn asked, waving a hoof to get the attention of the bartender, who filled a flagon without even looking, a fuschia field surrounding it before it was flung across the room. Dawn instinctively caught it in his own magic, not a drop of cider spilling. He grinned at the feat, remembering how embarrassed he’d been the first time the barkeep had drenched him.
“Not a whole lot, just sharing some old stories from the last time Celestia got in one of her ‘moods’,” Guillotine said as he took another swig. The room immediately quieted down, the jovial attitudes vanishing like morning fog.
“What do you mean?” Dawn asked, ears half back at the sudden shift in the mood.
“Well, ‘bout every decade or so, Celestia gets in a ‘mood’. Starts snatching anypony she can, and drags ‘em back to her chambers,” Guillotine explained, setting his mug down. “Nopony knows exactly what she does to ‘em in there, but Luna knows it can’t be good.”
“I heard that she does... things to you. Horrible, perverted things..” Another guard, Gale Song, spoke up nervously, his wings fluttering. “It was one of those Night Guards, Dusk, who told me. Apparently she caught him the last time. He never explained more, just kept repeating how terrifying it was.”
The other Guards in the room all nodded, raising their mugs in salute. “To Dusk.”
“S-so what happened to Dusk?” Dawn asked nervously.
“Hmmm? Oh, nothing. He retired what, like, five years back?” Gale looked around, receiving a chorus of nods. “Heard he has a nice little patch of land down near Fillydelphia. Not sure what he gets up to now.”
“Didn’t he open a smithy?” One of the other guards asked.
“I think so, he did have a knack for field repairs.” Another chimed in.
Dawn snorted. “Come on guys, stop pulling my leg. There’s no way Princess Celestia abducts ponies and tortures them, or anything else like that.” He swallowed as the other Guards turned their gazes to him. “I mean, surely somepony would have mentioned it.”
Guillotine shook his head. “That’s part of the Guard’s duty, kid. We make sure that at the very least, the civilians can get to safety. There’s a special alarm that is triggered. When it goes off, our job is to evacuate the castle, and ensure that Luna escapes to seal Celestia in, along with any of the ponies she captures. Above all else, we must not allow her to take civilians.”
Dawn narrowed his eyes. “Come on guys, seriously? This is all just a load of horseapples and you know it.”
It had been too long since the last time. She could feel it, pressing in on the corners of her mind. The howling black, seeking only to seize her and drag her down into the darkness with it. Rising to her hooves, she slowly made her way to the door. This time, she would need four. Maybe five. Yes, five would be just... delightful.
The conversations had swung back to more mundane topics: who was sleeping with who, how children were doing, the state of the kingdom and the surrounding nations, when the sound began. It was a dull thrumming, one almost felt rather than heard. The guards froze, ears flicking wildly, eyes widening as the implications of the sound made themselves known.
“...Alright you fillies, you know the drill. Divide up to your patrol sectors, escort the civilians to the nearest exit,” Guillotine said as he rose to his hooves. The other guards followed suit, nervously muttering to each other as they secured their armor. “Private Spear, you’ll be accompanying me.”
“W-where are we going, sir?” Dawn asked nervously.
Guillotine took a deep breath. “The Royal Chambers.” He turned and trotted for the door. “Come on Private, time’s a-wastin’!”
Startled into motion, Dawn hurried after him. “Sir, yes sir.” Exiting the lounge, they galloped across the training field and into the castle proper, already seeing civilians exiting the castle as guards efficiently organized the evacuation. Glancing up, they could see Luna and her personal Night Guard pegasi arrowing toward their designated staging area, soon lost as they passed through a large stone archway.
“Now remember, Dawn,” Guillotine whispered as they made their way down the normally busy halls, “no matter what she does to us, we’re stallions of the Royal Guard. We do not yield to anything.”
Dawn nodded as they approached the next four way corner, Dawn could see one of the castle staff cowering against the wall, the mare looking like she’d seen a nightmare. Dawn began to hurry forward when Guillotine held up a hoof. Pausing, the stallion’s ears flicked as the sound of hooves on stone rang out. Glancing around the corner, both guards froze in horror at what they saw.
Celestia hummed to herself as she half-skipped down the hallway, the tune somehow a note out of sync from being a cheerful melody. Her mane had nearly doubled in size, the prismatic cascade rippling more vigorously than normal. Four shapes squirmed in it’s grasp, and Dawn nearly shouted as he realized that they were fellow guards. The roiling mane petted one gently as he squirmed more in an attempt to escape. “There there now, your Princess has you. It’s all going to be alright.”
Guillotine gripped Dawn’s shoulder tightly, preventing the unicorn from making any move whatsoever. Putting his muzzle close to Dawn’s ear, he whispered quietly, “That’s our duty. Now, let’s get her out, and regroup with the others.” He turned back to the mare, waving urgently for her to cross the junction and join them. She hesitated at first, but after another giggle from Celestia, she chose to lurch into motion, moving quickly across the hall. However, the second she entered the intersection, Celestia froze, even her mane stopping its incessant roiling.
“I can seeeeee you!” the alicorn called out in a singsong voice as she turned her head, her eyes wide to almost impossible proportions. “Won’t you come play with me?” The mare shivered in fear, stopping dead where she stood.
“Move! Come on now!” Guillotine bellowed, the two guards charging into the intersection. The mare twitched toward them, but was still staring in terror at Celestia as the alicorn pranced toward her. With a growl Guillotine grabbed her and started to drag her back the way they came, while Dawn prepared a barrier spell and placed it between them and the crazed princess.
Celestia didn’t even slow down as she walked right through it. “Come now my little pony, Shining Armor’s shields can’t stop me, so yours won’t either.... all I need is one more, just one more for the fun to begin...”
Dawn gulped, risking a glance over his shoulder, seeing Guillotine continuing to drag the mare down the hallway. “Get her out of here.”
“Are you insane? You know what she’ll do-”
“Just go!” Dawn shouted as he turned to face Celestia directly, preparing himself mentally for whatever she might unleash. He closed his eyes as the mane came for him, allowing himself to at least feel pride in knowing that he’d done his duty.
It was much worse than he could have ever anticipated.
“Tell me, would you like some more tea, Milady Tootsie?” Celestia asked the pegasus seated next to her with a cheerful smile. The princess was wearing a frilly dress that looked to be about eight hundred years out of style. The guards hadn’t fared much better, though Dawn Spear counted his blessings that he at least was in a suit.
“Yes. Of course, Princess,” Gale Song managed to grumble out.
“Now now, no need to be cross Tootsie, I’m sure you’ll find somepony to take you to the Gala,” Celestia said with a cheerful smile. “Would anypony else like some more tea?” At the silence from the other guards, she bounced up from her seat and trotted over to the opposite corner of the room, where a small teapot sat on it’s burner.
Once he was sure she was out of earshot, Gale leaned toward Dawn and the others. “So, she violated all of us in the worst possible way, right?”
“Right.”
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LOLz^^
That...was funny^^
not much more to say
Wheres that slow guy clapping gif when I need it?
Many thanks go to Aegis Exemplar for his spriting skills and making the awesome line breaks for this story
Another Masterpiece
Just... awesome.
1507915
i.imgur.com/VP0Kk.gif
Closest I got.
1507915
imageshack.us/a/img841/8524/claporson.gif
I got you bro
1507996
Good man!
Thank god, I thought this was going to be a lot worse it was. (Been reading too much Princess Molestia.)
1508182 Well, I admit to having been inspired to do this from the Molestia fics, only to examine something more lighthearted and comedic instead of going right to sexual
XDDDDDDDD
Best. Ending. Ever!
This story would have been hilarious enough without the line breaks. With them, you actually made me spit-take.
1508359
*achievement get*
1508369
That makes the tally Cloud Hammer 1, Chengar Qordath 32. Just a bit of catching up to do. =D
1508402 Nah, I'm nowhere near to Chengar's level
1508448
Well, according to Comma, you're 1/32 his level...
...HA! Now that's brilliant, simply brilliant. I nearly woke up my house from laughing at that.
What happens in Celestia's chambers during one of her moods, stays in Celestia's chambers during one of her moods.
tl;dr
... and then they all had sex!
Quite funny. I wonder what Celestia thinks about this afterwards. Like "I hope it was fun for them, too."
1508402
Probably a good thing Cloud Kicker never ended up joining the Guard after all, if it meant she might end up getting involved in something like this.
1509011
CK: Expectations...altered. Forever.
Me: "Pure comedy, huh? This is a must. Hmm... nothing funny here, nothing here... Oh please you've got to be kidding me... OH! WHAT A
!"
Can't. stop. GRINNING!
A Cloudhammer story that DOESN'T take place in the Cloudyverse?!
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyoi94z9GU1r3k1m8o1_500.png
HAHA! BRILLIANT!
1509015
Yeah. Cloud Kicker is probably the only pony who would've been happy to end up with Molestia.
Well...I didn't see that coming. Even when I read it through a second time, I didn't see it coming.
At first, I thought it was going to be a poetry reading. As soon as Celestia said she was going to play with them, though, I knew it was going to be a tea party. I'm becoming almost frighteningly good at predicting these anticlimax stories...
That's not to say this was bad in any way. Quite the contrary. It was a most enjoyable tale of the safety valve for Celestia's sanity, and quite an amusing tidbit about the properties of her mane. I may actually have to use that...
In any case, thank you for the lulz. Though I have to wonder what they did when Luna wasn't available to seal her sister within the caste...
I knew it was gonna be a tea party!
inb4 featured box comments.
I'll bet she is faking it and just trolling for her own fun.
The ending was so funny. 
I need therapy now...
The hard cider kind. lol
Read this recently, personally not a fan of these "What a Twist" fics. I have to admit though, the bit at the end where all the stallions agree to say that they were violated was a nice bit of open ended humour. Did they really think it was that bad? Or are they just saying they were used as boy toys to save face?
1523869 To save face. After all, you're not going to tell your friends back in the barracks that you got forced into frilly dresses and had a tea party, are you? No, it'd be a horrifying tale of how you were strung up while unspeakable things were done to you, and how you endured it all like a stallion's stallion
Yes, much better to say that they were violated in the worst possible way than admit to being forced to submit to a tea party.
At least this way they won't have their man cards taken away. That's supposedly the worst thing that can happen to a guy. After that, you're not allowed to drink anymore beer or something.
1509178 Actually there's nothing that says this DOESN'T take place in it.
But Molestia has been permanently dethroned. I can never take Molestia seriously now, I'll constantly be imagining THIS
A DANCE IS NEEDED FOR THIS BRILLIANCE!
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/291/e/c/tropicalgif_by_1n33d4hug-d5i5qw8.gif
BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!
1552391 Then I have achieved my goal
Can say it's a late night reply, so might be a bit woozy. Anyhow, was not sure what to expect from this, but will see how it turns out as I read along. Will hope that it doesn't go "dull" so to speak, at least including overall stuff. Moving on, not sure "you fillies" would be an overly accurate term to use logic wise. Seeing how it's both a matriarchy, and stuff like that overall doesn't seem to be an issues. "foals" would work better I think. Anyhow, even if nothing like that, she did seem to go for either gender, so that's chill in that term. And okay, the ending was sorta like one of the two I was expecting :P Did still surprise though ;P Have to say however, it was a tad bit stereotypical and norm wise, but was still quite funny.
Hahahaha, oh lordy that ending! xD
For your exceptional work have a Celestia eating a banana.
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/298/2/2/celestia_eating_a_banana_by_2snacks-d5iw4vc.gif
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
THE HUMANITY!
i51.tinypic.com/29xg5dz.jpg
I tip my hat to you, Mr. Fangwarden.
why didn't I get invited to the tea party? I wanna go.
1552694 That's a very long gif.
Needless to say, I watched the whole thing.
...Silly, unexpected, and just downright wrong. You sir, have earned a like, enjoy
When I saw the first scene break image, I was really expecting the princess to get closer to the guards in the next images.
Ouch! Poor, poor guards...