The World We Dreamed Of

by Crimson Flame

A Strange Occurrence from the Everfree

Twilight was just getting out of bed and stretching when there was a loud belch and burst of bright green flame from the foot of her bed.

“That’s odd. The princess doesn’t usually send me a letter this early in the morning.” She said as she walked over to the foot of the bed and picked up the scroll with her magic and opening it.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I’m sorry to interrupt you so early in the morning but this matter needs to be solved as quickly as possible. Half an hour ago, my sister and I felt a strange energy coming from the Everfree forest. It felt like it was near the edge of the forest near Ponyville. We don’t know what caused it and wish for you and your friends to investigate this occurrence. Please be careful as whatever caused this might be dangerous. I know this is asking a lot from you, but I would appreciate it if it was only the six of you investigating as I don’t wish to endanger more ponies than necessary and I know you are capable of defending yourselves should you find yourselves to be in danger. I await your response.

Yours truly,

Princess Celestia.

“Spike, take a note please.” She said as Spike got up and picked up a quill and scroll.

“Dear Princess Celestia, I will start preparations immediately and should be able to start the search before midday. With all of my friends helping, it shouldn’t take to long to locate this anomaly. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. Did you get all that Spike?” She asked.

“Yup, do you want me to send it now?”

“Yes, and when you’re done, I need you to go out and find Rainbow and tell her to find the others and tell them to meet me here in an hour.” She said while grabbing the supplies they would need for their trip into the Everfree.

“Aw, do I have to? I was supposed to meet up with the crusaders soon and help them get their cutie marks.”

“Sorry Spike, but that will have to wait. The princess wants this done as soon as possible and I don’t have time to prepare and find my friends if I want to get started today.” She said.

“Alright, but you owe me one.” He said opening the door.

“How about after this is done, we can go to Rarity’s and see if we can get you some gemstones. Does that sound alright?” She said.

“Sound good. Well, I better get going if I want to find them all in one hour.” He said as he walked out.

“Good, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get started.” She said to herself.

“Dante, this isn’t good, if we try to carry him out, he might bleed to death before we can even get out of the forest.” Chris said while using his jacket to apply pressure to Drake’s wound.

“I know, but what choice do we have? We’re out of medical supplies and are in the middle of the Everfree forest. If we hang around here too long, the smell of his blood is bound to attract some predators and I am almost out of ammo.” He replied.

“Okay, but if we have to carry him, we have to keep pressure on his wound. Give me your belt.”

“Sure, but what are you planning to do with it?”

“Since we don’t have any bandages, I will use our belts to hold my jacket against his wound. That way, we can keep pressure on the wound while carrying him. It won’t be much, but it will slow the bleeding.”

“Okay, but I’ll carry him since I am stronger than you and you know how to navigate better than me.”

“Sounds like a plan. Okay, crouch down and I will help get him on your back.” He said while lifting Drake up.

Dante did as he was told and crouched down. After getting Drake on his back and making sure he wouldn’t fall off, he slowly stood up being careful not to lean back or else Drake would fall off.

“Okay, where to now?” Dante asked looking over at Chris who was studying the bases of some of the trees.

“Well, one thing I remember from that forest navigation class is that moss will usually grow on the north side of trees and that we should try to find a river or creek and walk along it downstream so follow me and listen for the sounds of water flowing.” He said as he started heading north.

About ten minutes of walking later, Dante could hear the faint trickling sound of water hitting rocks.

“Hey Chris, wait up I think I can hear running water coming from that direction” he said pointing to their left.

“Really, I can’t hear it. Are you sure you’re not imagining things?” Chris asked.

“I’m sure I’m not imagining it. Man, sometimes I swear your hearing is as bad as your eyesight.”

“Shut up and show me where this damn creek is so we can get out of here, or in case you forgot, Drake is need of medical attention.” Chris replied annoyed with Dante for making fun of his eyesight again.

“You’re right, sorry. Anyway, it sounds like it’s coming from over there, follow me.” Dante said turning left and walking through the bushes.

After a couple of minutes, they arrived at a small creek and decided to follow it downstream like Chris said earlier.

All of Twilight’s friends were waiting for her downstairs while she finished packing what they would need for their trip into the Everfree. Through the door, she could hear snippets of their conversation which consisted mostly about why they were here.

Tightening the straps on her saddlebags, she opened the door and went out to tell her friends what she had called them all here for.

“Alright girls, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I called you all here so early in the morning.”

“Ooh ooh, I bet it has some thing to do with that weird feeling I felt coming from the Everfree forest this morning, right Twilight?” Pinkie Pie said.

“That is correct Pinkie, wait, how did you know about that?” Twilight asked looking over at the bouncing pink pony with confusion.

“My Pinkie Sense told me of course. An ear flap, hoof shake and, itchy stomach combo tells me that something strange is happening in the Everfree forest.” She said while eying the cupcakes that Twilight was putting in her saddlebag for their lunch.

“Well just as Pinkie just said, there was an unknown energy coming from the Everfree forest this morning and the Princesses want us to investigate it and figure out the cause.”

“But do you know where it came from in the forest?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Not really, the princess’s letter said that it was somewhere near the edge and was close to Ponyville.” Twilight said.

“But that could take forever. Why don’t I go see if some of my friends from the weather team could help us by patrolling the forest from the skies?” Rainbow asked.

“I’m afraid we can’t do that Rainbow, the princess said that whatever caused this could be dangerous and doesn’t want to risk somepony getting hurt.” Twilight said.

“If whatever caused this could be dangerous, why hasn't the princess sent some of her guards to assist us?” asked Applejack.

“The princess wants this investigated immediately and it would take at least a day for the guards to arrive all the way from Canterlot and by then, if it is something dangerous, it could have reached Ponyville by then.” Twilight replied.

“Alright, but what should we bring with us if we’re going into the Everfree forest? Applejack asked.

“Don’t worry about that, I’ve got everything we’ll need packed in my saddlebags. Now let’s get moving, the sooner we start looking, the sooner we’ll be back.” Twilight said while walking out the front door, the others following after her.

They arrived at the edge of the Everfree forest and Twilight stopped and pulled a list out of her saddlebag.

“Alright, Rainbow Dash, I want you to fly above the trees ahead of us and look for anything out of the ordinary. If you do find something, return to us immediately. Don’t confront it or go near it, okay?” Twilight asked looking over at the cyan mare.

“Don’t worry, I’m on it.” Rainbow said as she saluted.

“Fluttershy, I want you to use your ability to communicate with animals to ask any we come across if they’ve seen anything strange, alright?” Twilight asked.

“Okay, I’ll do my best.” She replied.

“Applejack, I want you to look for any kinds of markings or prints that look unnatural.”

“You can count on me Twi, if there are any tracks, I’ll find ‘em.” Applejack said, tipping her hat.

“Rarity, I want you with me to help with a scanning spell I know that might help us locate where the anomaly originated from.”

“Of course darling, I may not be the strongest unicorn when it comes to magic but that doesn’t mean I won’t give it my best.” She replied.

“And Pinkie, I want you to— uh, what are you doing?” Twilight asked looking back at Pinkie who was dropping pieces of bread down on the ground.

“I’m using breadcrumbs to mark our trail of course silly. That way, we can find our way back out if we get lost.” She replied acting as if it was the best idea she ever had.

“Uhh, yeah just keep doing that. Good idea Pinkie.” Twilight said while being partially relieved as she hadn’t been able to think of anything that Pinkie could do to help apart from just looking around and partly annoyed with herself for that same reason.

“Alright girls, you all know what you have to do. Let’s get going and find this anomaly.” Twilight said looking back at her friends.

“YEAH!” they all said together as they started into the forest.

Comments

[Kablex]

Hate to say it bud, but there is already a story with this name.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/58230/From-Hell-to-Paradise

If you want suggestions, ask and I'll try and help.

[Crimson Flame]

1502423 Your help would be much appreciated. Got any suggestions on a name?

[No Fuck off]

Pretty good job, I enjoyed reading this and I look forward to the next chapters.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Crimson Flame]

1502502 Thanks, it's nice to know people enjoy my story so far and I will do my best do do a good job.

[No Fuck off]

1502516 no problem

[Winter Storm]

Ok, time to activate the car of TWE reviewing!

...

Aw crap. Out of fuel. Who knew that the tears of children would be so hard to find?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Anyway, of the stuff I've read, this isn't to bad. Not much in the way of spelling or grammatical errors.
But the story itself?

By adding in these links, it seems like you're trying to add a "ermahgerd, that's a big knife, hes totally a badass." feel. Problem is, it is completely incorrect writing. You are supposed to DESCRIBE the knife, not provide a link to a picture of a knife. That's just being lazy.

Also, that beginning seems to be a complete summary of Resident Evil. Having never played the games, this doesn't bug me. However, we have a big case of "Overly Convenient Plot Device". Humanity just "happened" to create an inter-dimensional portal? And left it under some building? And the three main characters just HAPPENED to find it and somehow have the knowledge necessary to activate the device?

Really, that's my biggest qualm. I expected to come in here, with a shitload of stuff to comment on. I was pleasantly surprised to find good spelling, grammar, and coherent sentences. Even the basic premise of the story could be good. But right now, it kinda seems like you came up with the whole "zombie apocalypse" just to give an excuse for teens to have military weapons. (For the record, listening to music in an infected zone? That's just ASKING to be killed. Like driving a car while holding two cell phones to each ear.) Looks at this basic summary that COULD fit your story.

Meet Drake, Dante, and Chris. Three teens, fighting for their lives in a zombie-infested world. Their one solace is old television show My little Pony: Friendship is Magic. When they are given a chance to escape the living hell that is their life, the group seizes it. But one question remains:

Is Equestria any better?

So, this hypothetical story would have a somewhat reasonable story to it. Ponies have the fear reaction to humans, ones who kill with ease and know far more than they should. Perhaps they're here to destroy Equestria! We need to stop them! Now, this I all guesswork, since all you have are these two chapters. But this story could go either way in quality. I hope you turn it into something good.

-Winter Storm
TWE's Common Controversy Catcher

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1

[Scribblestick]

TWE's Scribblestick here to figure out why the red bar is bigger than the green bar.

I was pleasantly surprised at this fic's overall quality. You didn't have many grammar problems, your formatting was good, and you had decent description. One note I have is that you should pick and choose the details that matter. For example, do I need to know that the main character has a couple Kuri Machetes, or is machetes good enough? Also, don't depend on links to explain things. You're a writer. Use your words.

Your setup feels a bit like Prototype, down to the zombies assimilating whatever's around them. And zombie infections like this have been done quite frequently, so right off, there's a feeling of a lack of originality.

Some of your descriptions were a little clunky. "This character has this color hair and is X'Y" tall" is a boring way of describing a character. Work these details into the narrative. "Dante ran a hand through his brown hair as a scowl came to his face." Or something. The way you have it now interrupts the story, and at least to me, exact height measurements are useless.

I thought the twist at the base came a little too quickly. I don't think you should spend a lot of time on buildup, but I think you should spend a little more than you do.

Then there's the dimension machine. Why do they assume that Equestria is a real place? Why do they take a dimension-creating machine seriously? I sure wouldn't unless I was desperate, and they don't seem desperate at this point. You say later that they're out of food and low on ammo, but their actions and descriptions don't suggest they're desperate enough to believe in something as crazy and a dimension-jumper.

You should use more contractions in dialogute - I'm, I'll, etc. Right now, it feels a bit unnatural.

Well, in the time it took me to read and review this story, the vote counts evened out. Go figure.

Anyways, hope this helps!

~Scribblestick, TWE moderator

[Crimson Flame]

1502744 Thanks for the advice. I went back and changed quite a bit in the first chapter based on the tips you gave me.

[MLPFanForever]

I'm enjoying this. Keep it up.

[Crimson Flame]

1503214 I'll do my best. th05.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2011/167/6/0/rainbow_dash_salute_by_atomicgreymon-d3bo0dx.png

[kragor]

cool.

[Kablex]

1502442 I'll need a few to figure one out, but when I do, I'll let you know.

[Crimson Flame]

1506251 Ok, I've already changed it to what it is now but I'll look through any you think of and change it again if i like it.

[Ozone]

This fic has my attention!

Tracking

[colt alchemist]

When's the next chapter coming out? I'm liking this fic