SoarinDash (Contest Entry)

Rainbow Dash decided to practice some of her flying tricks late at night. When Soarin, the love of her life, come by, She tries to impress him.

This was a contest entry for something on deviantART

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 14 )

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Amino

Amino #1 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Short, sweet, and to the point. The story was nicely handled for only 1000 words. My only gripe is that I think her move is the Buccaneer Blitz instead of the Buccaneer Blaze but that's just me nitpicking. It didn't have any impact on the story so don't worry too much.

Brony of Truth

Brony of Truth #2 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Cute! I got my doctor recommened cuteness for the day with this 'd'aw' story.
'...his brightly shining blue eys.' His eyes are actually green, but whatevs.

Edragon

Edragon #3 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Awww, twas a nice story. I'm not overly fond of insta-love stories, but this was still an enjoyable read.

As Brony of Truth said, Soarin's eyes are green not blue. You got Dash's trick right though.

Just was Soarin asked if (that should be 'as')

GazingAtStarlight

GazingAtStarlight #4 · Oct 24th, 2012 · · ·

Thanks for the compliments, everyone. Sorry for the mistakes, I make a lot and then forget to check it

LeopardCay

LeopardCay #5 · May 4th, 2013 · 2 · ·

Dashie nodded her head frantically, relishing the idea of a night of flying alone with Soarin.
Seems like Pinkie is telling the story

heartfire132

heartfire132 #6 · Aug 25th, 2013 · · ·

nice nice, wow its better than I can do,

Ironfire Skies

Ironfire Skies #7 · Nov 8th, 2013 · · ·

an error but good job

spideremblembrony

spideremblembrony #8 · Feb 25th, 2014 · · ·

It was cute... but I don't this it was done very well...

One of the problems came in the formatting. The formatting made it really confusing for me to tell who was saying what. When one person stops talking and another person starts, there needs to be some kind of space. That why it clears up who is talking. It helps the audience know who is talking and we know when they are finished speaking so that the next character's dialogue doesn't get mixed up.

Another thing that really bothered me was the training scene. I don't have a problem with them training, because that's what they do. They're Wonderbolts and training is who they are, but... I really didn't see the point. If the tricks were somehow incorporated into how Rainbow Dash was feeling, that wouldn't be so bad. I would have liked to have seen Rainbow Dash describing how she feels when her idol does his tricks and how it affects her. I would have loved to have seen her thought process and how she feels.

Which brings me to my next point, the connection. I felt there was very little connecting these two together, other than the fact that they are Wonderbolts and without a connection, it doesn't make this couple believable. There needs to be more depth as to why these two are in love with each other. Why does Rainbow Dash love him? What is it about him that makes him stand out? How does she feel when he is around? How does she feel when he is distant? These are all questions that I wanted to know and yet I don't see that and because of that, it makes me unable to relate to Rainbow Dash. It makes me unable to sympathize with her and her wanting to be with him.

I'm sorry, I didn't like it. I hope this helps. Thank you for letting me read it. Take care. .

Aurora Steel