Lysergic Acid Diethylamide -- or LSD & PONIES

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Lysergic Acid Diethylamide -- or LSD & PONIES

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Writer12577

Writer12577 #1 · Oct 19th, 2012 · · ·

Color guide in quotes:

- Red: Fix
- Blue: Comment
- Purple: Highlight

The story itself:

- Wall of text. Use paragraphs and break the lines more often. It's easier to read.

- Correct punctuation while writing dialogue. Example:

“Ah, my dear student, these are called ell-ess-dee. A gift from a small dragon clan that lives far away from the borders of Equestria. I helped them out in a dire situation and now every few years they send me small gifts as a token of their appreciation,//Here you should use comma//” she //Small letter after the comma// replied, her voice as radiant as the day she provides.
“But what are we supposed to do with them?” asked //Correct. Well done// Twilight as she levitated the small piece of paper closer to see the intricate markings that had been placed on the back of the square.

- Use - rather than ... when separating parts of words. Example:

“O-o-okay.” Twilight and Celestia opened their mouths and placed the tab on their tongues.
After a few minutes the tabs in both Twilight's and Celestia’s mouth had dissolved and they both took a gulp of water from the glasses set out prior.

- Even when inside quotation marks, sentences still end with a punctuation mark. Example:

“The letter said between half an hour to an hour at most.”

- Grammar. I see mistakes. Utilize spell-checkers or something like that to avoid these.

After some more chatting, Twilight's ears started to twitch and feel warm. She rubbed her tongue along the roof of her mouth, reveling in the new flavor she could taste.
“Celestia, I think... I think I can taste the magic,” she said while rubbing her tongue along the roof of her mouth again.
“So, tell me, my dear what does magic taste like,” she said seemingly fine, as her large body structure means it would take longer for it to work.
“Uh.” Twilight rolled over and looked at her hooves, “It taaaastes like friendship. Whoa, I have things growing out of my hooves, what the haaaaaaay, oh Celestia I feel wonderful and weird and other things at the same time.”
Celestia let out a light chuckle. “Well, my eager student, it seems to have a hold of youuuuuuu...” She zoned out, staring at a pot plant over on the other side of the room.

- Don't do "******meanwhile outside of Celestia's window******". Tell it, don't just put it there. Example:

At the same time, a darker alicorn was standing outside the window.

My conclusion:

You have some things to fix. Consider doing something about the things I pointed out in order to make this story better.

More info about punctuation and grammar while writing dialogue can be found here.

The idea is good for a comedy. Ponies and drugs just don't tend to make subtle jokes and gentle laughter.

Best of luck!

Fusion Fool the 3rd

Fusion Fool the 3rd #2 · Oct 19th, 2012 · · ·

I giggled, dood. This is pretty much how I felt when I wrote the first chapter of "The Day Lyra went Missing" (before it became Twilight's Misadventures and Apologies to the Readers", dood.)

horizon

horizon #3 · Oct 19th, 2012 · · ·

... meh. I was hoping to see an actual story about LSD rather than one that simply used it as a cheap gimmick.

More power to you if you want to write clop, dude, but of all possible drugs, LSD is not the one I would have chosen to get there. Maybe some X or pot. LSD has such immense mental effects -- not just a few token hallucinations -- that if they were going to have sex at all, it would be on a totally different plane.

(For a drug story of a very different sort, see Bad Horse.)

Lazaro Sol

Lazaro Sol #4 · Oct 20th, 2012 · · ·

Best
Drug trip
EVAR!!!!!!!!!

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