Here lies the wistful delusions of the sleep addled mind. Actually wait, no, just me.
Teen rating for some language and suggestive themes. half of the story starts out with the main six and the princesses, but then evolves into sort of an aftermath future story. the Willpower magic that is mentioned here will probably be reused in other fics.
this is my third full story i have in progress(out of 4) so far and I hope you all enjoy
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quite a bit of spelling errors, such as fainted* not feinted, the second being a false move deceptive action ect. And you could also break up the speech a little so it's more clear on who is talking.
Otherwise palpatable and could develop into a good story.
339402 ya im sorry i forgot to edit these chapters before posting. ill have them fixed up and the next chapters ill look over first
In addition to the spelling mistakes are the formatting mistakes. It seems that a lot of grammar classes are not teaching the proper use of quotations. When you have a new speaker, you start a new paragraph, every time. It may seem like a pain, but it's something that breaks up the wall of text, and lets your readers know that the speaker has changed.
Don't forget about the quotation formatting. Start a new paragraph with each new speaker.
340339 oh I know, I do that on purpose... i don't get the point of using a whole paragraph just for a sentance or two. it's just the way I write, thanks for the criticism ill try and watch our for that stuff later on but i don't think ill be changing my writing tendancies
340945
No, you can't chalk it up to 'style'. It's a very basic and important rule.
As the story is currently written, it is very, very difficult to read and will turn most readers away instantly. This is a basic rule of grammer and there's no reason to break it - you've got infinite space at your disposal, and yet you're squashing everything together into dense walls of text that your readers have to strain to read.
Give each speaker a seperate line. Thats the most basic way to improve this story. It will improve the flow of dialoge and the reader's immersion and investment in the story, because they will be able to spen their energy reading the story insteand of trying to disentangle the jumble of dialoge to figure out who is currently speaking.
Believe me, it's a rule for a reason. New speaker, new paragraph.
341148 it's how i write. when I'm writing a string of dialogue that's how I do it. quotation marks indicate where one stops and another starts...I get what you're saying but people reading fanfictions normally don't care too much about grammar...I appreciate you telling me all of this but like I said above, it's just how I write. if I get more complaints about it then I'd consider revising my writing style
341250
Most people don't care about grammar while reading fics? I disagree - So far, the only feedback you've recieved is complaints about the poor formatting. If you want people to comment on the merite of the tale you're telling, you need to make it as easy as possible for them to get through, and that means formatting it correctly.
'its just how i write' isn't a good enough reason - it's totally incorrect. It's like ignoring spelling mistakes by going 'thats just how i spell', or burning your food anf going 'thats just how i cook'. The current story prevents people from actually enjoying your efforts.
As it is, the story is hard to read. I struggle trying to disentangle the dialoge. It's a mess, and there's no justifiable reason for it. Spread it out, and you might get comments about the story itself instead of readers being blocked by your walls of text.
341346 like I said above I forgot to go through and edit everything. normally it's not that bad. and I actually do burn my food on purpose. Personally Grammar doesn't both me at all, I just care about the story. I'll revise some of this when I go through and edit it and fix it up to make it more comprehensible if I can, but that's it for now.
341379
Just make sure to give each speaker a new line, even if they only say "Oh." or something. That is the single most significant thing you can do to improvecomprehension of this stoy.
I'm not a huge stickler for grammar, I let others worry about that. I get that all you care about is the story, I get that, but that also includes caring about how you deliver the story. Giving each speaker an new line is an important for that deliver, it helps the reader actually read the story, instead of simply hitting 'back' and finding a story which wont strain their eyes to read.
341394 I'll do that for the shorter strings...but for the longer ones...eh...maybe. the thing is after writing like that for a while I'm just used to it. i'll make new lines, just not paragraphs
Oooo I love this story it's very very interesting too keep it coming X3.
343301 thanks for being the first positive comment on this one. I got quite a few chapters written but I'm not continueing where I am so I'll space updates until i start it back up. chapter two is coming tomorrow
>>Dark0592 You welcome and okay I can't wait \o/
I was thinking about reading this...
Then I saw the text.
357364 what text?
357652
If their experience is anything like mine, they mean the story text.
Walls of text == Fic is not worth reading, cause I'm not a masochist. That's the simple fact: If you make your fic hard to read, then no-one will read it.
376126 I never find fics like this hard to read at all and I've never had others have a problem with it and I've been posting fics on DA for about a year now. I'm fixing it in newer chapters but some updates will have the same problems for the simple reason of they are already written and I don't have the time to go through entire chapters and fixing them
As much as I would love to give you some sort of feedback, I can't read this. The walls of text are preventing me from getting more than 5 sentences in... yay learning disabilities...
414559 yeah I get that alot... this is one of my older stories, I'm probably going to end up canceling most of these that aren't too popular because I get too much hate based on walls of text...which really isn't that big of a deal...
414573 ... except for readers like me... who can't physically read it...
really though, is it that hard to just hit enter after finishing someone's speech?
414584 when I first started writing these, about two and a half weeks ago, I didn't know you were supposed to do that. I was never taught that in my english classes. I got a lot of hate for it but a lot of these chapters for these earlier stories were already written before I even started uploading to fimfiction.
Truthfully I don't see why walls of text are so hard to read. I never had any problems on my DA account for it and most fics I read prior to finding this website were similarly formatted.
414606 Well, I'm not really faulting you for it, as you cant appeal to everyone's... desires.
Anyway, I get what you mean when you say you don't understand why I find it hard to read blocks like that... I have a friend who has such bad dyslexia that he can hardly read at all. Personally, that makes no sense to me at all.
On top of what Sour Grapes stated; Some of the speech segments seem abrupt and emotionless.
“What's so funny?” Twilight asked. “Not five minutes before I invited you all here, Luna confessed something to me...she had a crush on the kind little Pegasus that helped her greatly with Taming her voice.” Celestia said. “What? So the feelings are Mutual?” Twilight asked. Celestia nodded. “We shouldn't interfere, let them decide what is best.” Celestia said. is the closest example. All this made the story hard to read, don't get me wrong it's a good story, but needs to be revised. Celestia in her last quotation also doesn't seem emotional.
Just as I said before; this is a great story, it just needs to be revised. I shall push forwards.
There's a feeling of things being rushed. In the first chapter there was some caution, but it was swept away quickly, the second chapter (or after) is where I usually feel the confession is best.
Also; Dash and Pinkie went immediately to Cloudsdale there is no explanation to how Pinkie would walk on the clouds as it is, although one could assume the Cloud Walking Spell used in the show could be at play. You should probably clarify this.
There are some grammar errors, such as “I mean...you always have me as that somepony special.” she said lightly and Kissed twilight on the cheek.
I suggest pre-readers and editors. I would help, but I don't trust my interests and diction with everyone else and their tastes. That and I'm fairly busy.
I suppose I spoke too soon on the 2nd chapter about Pinkie being able to walk on clouds.
I agree with the others though. Walls of text are hard to read and can cause some disinterest in the story. I have a tendency to accidentally re-read a sentence if it's in the middle of a block of text. When you get the time please revise these and use the tips people have granted you! It's really for the better.
718304 this is going to go through the same thing Lavender Night did. I'm going to delete this, revise the current chapters and finish the story.
718325
Good. This story was good, but it was in dire need of revision. I look forward to the revised version!
718376 dunno when I'm going to do it though...I've got people asking for updates on FiMSiL, hearts and Nightmares, and Rainbows and Magic...I'll probably pump out an update or two for those first
718613
With that said I suggest sticking to plan you have. Don't overload yourself or you'll skip over faults by mistake. Take your time, finish each story one by one. I say do this last, since I personally can still read it, and all it needs is revision.
Just don't forget about it :p. I still have a craving to be satisfied! I don't think there are enough stories out there though...
719966 I've got three chapters...i've got my updates for dawn up. sometime in the future I will be rereading these chapters and revising them. but I also have to re-read the other fics that need updating.
Is this dead?
3237289 very