Patience is a virtue. Perhaps less so when your life is on the line.
Things on all fronts were progressing slowly at best. David had all but given up on trying to send a letter to Celestia, and Twilight's friends had never presented an opportunity to be spoken with alone. And to top it all off, he had hit a wall in his understanding of the text held in the basement.
The circumstances required for this new plan to work were almost impossibly specific. Applejack, Pinkie Pie, or even Fluttershy would have to be at the library, alone, preferably close to night. Anything else would be far too dangerous. And with his travel only done after sundown, he couldn't exactly find a better location to encounter them alone, without scaring them half to death in the dark of night.
He was stuck. Perhaps, he needed another plan. But what was left?
Messages to Twilight: she would discover the first, and use a spell to locate him the moment he even hinted that he was in the library. Likelihood of success: minimal. Likelihood of injury: high.
Luring one of the other ponies to the library while Twilight was away: would require traveling across Ponyville and/or the gathering of many supplies. Likelihood of success: low. Likelihood of injury: medium.
Messages to Spike-
Wait.
Upon this thought, something hit him. Perhaps his first plan might not be as impossible as he thought. If he could not mix his letter with others, perhaps he could simply instruct Spike to send it, posing as Twilight. As busy as she was, such a thing was not impossible: in her rush to depart, she leaves Spike a letter to send when he is able. Although a cunning mind might be able to find such a thing unlike Twilight, he did not think the little dragon would put that much thought into it. As well, it was unlikely Spike would read the letter itself. Twilight sent many throughout the day, and he probably did not find them very interesting.
It was a flimsy plan, but as it stood, so were all his plans. There were many factors that could not be made certain. How would he make sure Spike sends the letter before Twilight returns and inspects it? How could he be sure he would not be seen, by Spike or by someone passing outside, during his time outside the basement? And-
...Did ponies have handwriting?
David did not have an answer to that one. Would Spike be able to tell that the instructions to send the letter were not written by the unicorn? It was...never brought up in the show. He hadn't a clue. The flimsiest of flimsy plans. Good enough.
The man quickly retrieved a blank piece of paper from the stacks of supplies kept in the basement. Besides the journal he had acquired when he first arrived, he hadn't a need for them until now. Quill in hand, he was finally prepared to write his letter to Celestia. Finally, his plans were moving forward.
"Dear Princess Celestia,
How did I get here I don't belong here please help me tell the ponies not to kill me and keep the pink one away from me.
A Complete Stranger,
D."
Foolproof.
David quickly rolled the parchment up as per he had seen in the show. It looked indentical. Hopefully Spike would think the same. The idea couldn't have come at a better time. Twilight was out on a picnic with her friends. With her not due back for hours, the library closed to the public while she was away, and Spike having been asleep since before she left, it was the perfect time for him to plant the letter and retreat back to the basement.
Climbing the stairs with almost cat-like grace, David slowly pushed the door open and peered through the crack to make sure the coast was clear. With no ponies (or dragons) in sight, he opened the door just enough to squeeze through. Hunched to maintain a low profile, he quickly moved to the table at the center of the room and gently placed the parchment atop it. His work done, the man maintained his stealth as best he could as he retreated, closed the door silently behind him, and breathed a quiet sigh as he returned to the basement proper.
And now, he waited. Again.
"My shirt seems to be as plainly colored as my surroundings. For that matter: I seem to be as plainly colored as my surroundings. How did I miss that until now?"
1453253
I appreciate the feedback. Chapter length has always been my issue, it seems. But I consider it a matter of preference. I always like smaller chapters, it seemed to make them easier to read. I dunno, maybe that's just me :S
David's past will be mentioned later on. As it stands, things are very stakes right now, so he hasn't had a lot of down time that didn't involve thinking of ways to make the situation better. Everyone gets home sick eventually, and poor David is no exception.
And of course, thank you all for your interest
When's next chapter?
1453359
Dunno, might be very soon, or it might be tomorrow.
1451974 I like your alliteration.
I'm very much enjoying this, particularly the approach and writing style. The chapter length appears to be exactly perfect; shorter chapters feel like they work better, I can't really explain it.
I...
I am happy.
I love the little journal entries than end each chapter. They're a nice touch.
SON OF A BITCH.
I was gonna do this! Damn it all! Now I've got competition!
Many congrats on the feature. Keep up the good work!
1453736
Featured?! Awesome!
Thanks guys! I'll try to keep this fanfic active. I'm very happy everyone is liking it so much!
Awesome story, please keep up the good work!
Hmm... features seem to have been requiring less popularity lately...
Regardless, I'll read.
Wonderful so far. You have somehow made pastel ponies into something to fear....................
Dunno how that works but it does!
Beware the pink one...
It Will find....YOU
1451974 "Prodigious proportions"?!
... well, maybe I do snack a little. Okay, a lot!
I'm loving the story so far! Very well written. I mean, you've made ponies...intimidating. How the hell does that even work?
1454148 Good point, she is Pinkie Pie of course
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This is good stuff, grats on the feature!
btw, I like the short chapters. Short and sweet... keeps it bite-size.
DAM CLIFFHANGERS
You're going way, way too fast, man. The world is turning into plaid. Slow the honk down.
You like short chapters, I can see that. Problem is, you're doing narrative. That doesn't work. Narrative needs more flesh to be good. Short chapters and, say, journal entries from the human's PoV would work. But these aren't journal entries, this is narrative. Very rushed narrative, with no flesh to the bones. And thus, not great. Barely passable.
You get points for stringing together coherent sentences, but you lose a lot for writing something so insubstantial and rushed.
It's another HiE: -1
It's AWESOME: +9002
Interesting take on HiE, He actually reminds me of myself somewhat.
Unfounded paranoia and logical thought processes forever.
To a certain Mr. Silvertie
images.wikia.com/mlpfanart/images/0/05/Pinkie_Pie_haters_gonna_hate.gif
So...He..A human, brony, is stupid enough to hide in the basement of the single strongest magic user of all Equestria, is sending a written letter, either in an entirely foreign language, or a language he has almost no understanding of, solely because he didn't think of anything better. You know what? This guy is more stupid than I am. Personally, I would have went to Zecora first, then Fluttershy, then Applejack. Or just hid in the forest and fought manticores for the rest of my life, while possibly redirecting a certain crusadorial group back to the entrance of the forest every time they tried to enter.
This is one of the very very few fics involving humans that I enjoy. Great job!
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I
LOVE
this
story!
I don't usually read as much fim fiction as I would like, but MY GOSH i adore this tail!
And it is because this is EXACTLY how I would respond to waking up in Ponyville. I would Solid Snake the whole scenario as long as possible to figure out how safe it all is.
Oh my gosh, the tension!
I hope they don't find him for a while, because I'm enjoying the sneaking aspect of this story like you wouldn't believe. The short chapters are excellent for the story and I'm enjoying each and every one of them. Never would I have thought Pinkie would've presented as much of a challenge for poor David.
And I love how you work out all his reasoning. It's simply a joy to see how he figures things out, like each mental deduction is a subtle form of action with a low-tension heartbeat trailing it through.
I can't wait to see more of your work! But do take your time.
This is the first-ever fimfiction I've wanted to read past the completed chapters which were already available once I started reading it!
.......He is so doomed.... The Princess is obviously going to ask Twilight about the letter, she will not know how it got there...so she will use magic, and find him.
If doing this, LEAVE THE LIBRARY! Safer to live in the branches of the tree than in the basement, altho not by much...
A story where the protagonist abandons all common sense and becomes a creepy stalker.. I don't really see the appeal.
What's worse, walking into a town where everyone would be afraid of you, but probably wouldn't make too much of a fuss, or being found in the basement of the monarch's star pupil and making borderline crazy journal entries?
Creepy.
1451974 Perhaps a perplexing problem of preposterous proportions. The Pink Party Pony pairing with the protagonist... A perfect plot point.
Proceed.
Personally I think he should have used basic common sense on building a shelter as well as to find some food, though to just go at night to get food the way he is doing it and have the shelter somewhere remote and conceld, the forest is a good bet but more towards a place like Fluttershy's area. Not near her but in a place similar yet far away and close enough to walk to town, though I live in the suburbs and have a knack for learning and building things out of whatever, David is from the city but that doesn't really mean he doesn't have common sense to build a simple tent or box out of twigs and grass anyone can do it given time, but its your story and I love it, a little too short though.
chances are that Celestia sends the message to Twilight to decipher: high
1455457
Exactly.
That was the problem. Being dropped into an alien world with very little time to prepare and act. Instead of braving the Everfree Forest (he doesn't have earth pony strength, flight, or magic, remember, so any number of those creatures in there could be deadly) or just sleeping in the grass, he managed to remember a free room inside of an actual house to use.
This came at a price, and that is why Twilight is not an option for approach. He knows she would likely kick his arse if she found out "oh hey I broke into your house and slept in your basement, sorry"
I appreciate all the feedback, good and bad. Some people have been kind enough to keep any negative comments civil and constructive, and to that I say thanks. I guess I should've labeled this as a bit of a comedy as well. Some things are done for entertainment purposes.
Expect new chapters later tonight.
Foolproof plan, David. There's no way that could possibly backfire.
Nah, but seriously, enjoyable story so far. It would be quite challenging to be teleported to a cartoon reality, and I doubt many could do better.
1454652 lol.
When I read "foolproof", I facepalmed, then burst out into laughter.
1454106
1453686 thats how I felt once I read Omnius' Travels
I want moar
Hmmmmm. Interesting.
1454310
I'll have to agree with this.
While I most certainly enjoy the idea that the main character stays hidden rather than meeting with the ponies (an idea I've personally been toying with), I find there is simply way too much narrating, and not much else. Nothing much seems to occur beyond the occasional action to propel the story forward. I'd really wish I could do a professional take on this, point out exactly what could be improved and exactly what, from my perspective, is wrong. I'll try anyway, best way to get better.
The way I see it, there seems to be little risk involved for the character. Yes, he's living in Twilight's basement, but it's almost as if the story doesn't communicate that risk to me, as if it's already pre-determined that Twilight will never go down there anyway, effectively negating eny excitement that would generate. Or maybe it's one of those 'so stupid it works somehow' decision. Don't take this the wrong way, that one's aimed at David as a character, not you as a writer. To be honest, the way I see it, the main character always has to be in danger in such a situation, and while technically he is, I don't really feel it so much, perhaps on account that much of the chapters is spent on him wondering what to do.
The rumors spreading about him were another thing I found odd. Personally, I think I could waltz through my neighbourhood for hours every night for a very long time. With a flashlight even. I don't think anyone would notice me at all, on account of being asleep at the time. Throw in the fact that it's early at night and there are no street lights, the idea that he would be seen repeatedly seems bizarre. Rather, I would suggest something more along the lines of a near-encounter, or anything with potential for causing more widespread concern. As it is, the only real 'danger' here is Pinkie Pie.
If anything here seems like an attack, or comes across as aggressive, then I'm sorry. If it does, point it out to me, and I'll know how not to do it in the future. And remember, this is in no way a professional opinion.
I do like this story and it's a refreshingly different take on HiE. However, I'm not really sure why he is so hellbent on the idea that it would be catastrophic to be discovered. He is right that they would likely freak out at first but they are never depicted as being really violent or confrontational. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_unsuresweetie_flip.png
1457268
Thank you for voicing your concerns in a productive and professional manner.
The uncertainty is where the danger comes in, in many ways. He doesn't know for sure if Twilight will never go down there. For all he knows, she only does it once a month. He has only been there less than a week, after all. What if she suddenly needs some obscure item she only keeps down there? From a writing perspective, having him discovered so early would mean that a lot of the chapters would not come to pass. Its distinctly possible she may yet discover him by accident before his many plans come into any sort of effect.
Remember that its not 100% dark in Ponyville, even without the lights. A few (supposedly, remember these are rumors) spotted him creeping in the dark, the same way you might see something moving in the dark with only moonlight to aid you. As well, remember that this isn't just something equivalent to another human. This is something 2 and a half times their height with an unknown body type creeping in the dead of night. Living next to something like the Everfree Forest, I would assume the conclusion they would draw is "monster" before "oh that's normal".
I hope this clears a few things up, and as always, thank you all for your interest
David seems very quick to assume the worst of the ponies.
Sure they might react badly when they discover him, but too attack and kill him? Extremely doubtful, ponies aren't ever shown as being violently aggresive in the show. The only one that I could imagine attacking him would be Rainbow Dash. And even that, I doubt would be little more than her just trying to catch him.
It just seems more than a bit absurd to me.
There are other issue that have already be touched on and I wont get into them. Try to slow the pacing down and add substance to the story.
1457268 Has alot of good suggestions that could help.
1457471
That was more for comedic purposes than anything. He has the attitude of "better safe than sorry" when it comes to how the ponies would react. He wouldn't blame them for responding negatively to such a strange creature, he just doesn't want to be on the receiving end of scared creatures with incredible strength and magic
.............
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1457414
One thing I would recommend, would be to put more emphasis on the risks involved with staying in Twilight's basement. Personally, the way this fic is going, I'd love to see David really have to struggle with the consequences of wanting to stay hidden. For instance, rather than chilling in the basement all day, I think it would be brilliant if he was suddenly forced to 'evacuate' due to changing circumstances, and he was really put on hard times, like having to scoop together branches to sleep under in order to ward off the wind while he was sleeping on open ground. Or, perhaps, the ponies start locking their doors, and he can barely find food anymore.
Essentially, what I'm trying to say is that, in my opinion, he seems to be having it way too easy. I think it would greatly help the sense of urgency if there was a sort of pressure on him.
But this is your story, maybe you've already got it all planned out, so I won't be nitpicking any further. To be honest, my examples could completely derail everything you're working towards.
1457598
Fair enough, In that case try not to over play the danger so much. Make it feel dangerous but not lethally so.
1457778
Feedback is always welcome, friend. And you'll see in the newest chapter, food is not so easy to come by anymore.
I find this very intriguing story, well done!
I only hope the chapter to be longer but que sera sera
While the chapters are shorter than most stories, it feels like the story suits them. In a weird way. While you could certainly enlarge the plot and each chapter to make it more lengthy and, well, longer, each one as it is now is quite funny and and fun to read in short bursts. And there aren't many issues with spelling or grammar either, though I was reading this quite quickly.
You know what, here a moustache for you, my good friend. And a favourite and thumbs up while I'm at it.
He's not taking into account that if he can't read Pony-lettering, they might not be able to read his. Among other things.