Gentle Strokes is a cynical drunk from Dodge Junction. Stormy is the proud black sheep of a wealthy Manehattan family. Together they're two shining examples of the student body at Camden — Equestria's most prestigious liberal arts college. Navigating their way through one night stands, flirty professors, "End Of The World" parties, junkie roommates, family melodrama, sex, drugs and Rock 'N' Roll as they try their hooves at a college relationship.
Cover art provided by the wonderful: Kill Joy.
Chapters (17)
second comma is unecessary.
again, unecessary second comma
This should be something closer to "Camden was the first step on a long road. Sure, it had an uncertain end. But at least it was a road that led in the right direction... Right?"
I think you could safely move the italics to just "it".
Unecessary italics.
I think it's safe to limit the italics to "Orgies" (also, neither one of those needs to be capitalized.)
Unecessary italics.
unecessary italics. And to save time, I'm just going to say that except for the rare occasion when you really want to emphasize a single word. Italics should be reserved for thoughts. And leave the rest of this subject to your discretion.
unecessary comma
Should probably add an "He gave a heavy groan... etc, etc"
"worn" is unecessary, and the sentence would probably flow better without it.
both the commas, and "as it were" are unecessary here.
those dashes would probably be better off replaced by parenthesis. So, instead of "-let alone sit beside-" it should be (let alone sit beside) (and as a side note, it'd be best for sentence flow, in my humble opinion, if you shortened it down th "let alone sit beside")
This sentence is a bit confusing. Perhaps try re-wording it? Somthing closer to "he sighed, then for a brief moment his face wor a look of panic... etc, etc."
I know I said I wouldn't, but I'm a damn dirty liar. So I'll just say, that the only word that could use italics in this sentence is "other". Also, how many coltfriends is he implying he has?
perhaps "in as close to a monotone as he could get" would be better here.
take out the comma just before "but"
Also, wasn't Stormy cool with it?
Kinda what this sentence seems to imply. (imo)
Ok. Again, to save time I'm going to say that as a general rule of thumb you only need one comma per sentence. Remove the one after "understanding"
Typo alert: "political"
Could probably be better as "Laugh at him as he makes one social faux pas, after another."
replace that period with a comma. "He felt defensive, but he wasn't sure why."
was
should probably replace that second "from" with a "by"
"finer" should probably be "fine". And "Anti-freeze" doesn't really work here, as cars don't exist in the mlp:fim universe
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That's it for grammar. Time to move on to the story itself.
1.bp.blogspot.com/_Vqki7bqjA7o/TDtMJBsbQWI/AAAAAAAAAgg/_4llto40-9c/s1600/huzzah.jpg
I'm going to be perfectly honest. The first half of the story progressed pretty slowly as far as the 'physical' realm is concerned. But so much world building took place, I honestly didn't really care. So kudos to you, it's rare that I don't ever want to skip ahead in a story but you've managed to pull that off. 9/10 on that account.
The actual plot... Well, I can see the future from a mile away, considering. But it's really not that bad. "It's the journey, not the goal" as they say, so I think you're fine on this account. 6/10
Well, one major thing I'd like to caution you on. Try to make this believable. Don't give these two incompatible personalities. It seems like you're doing a good job avoiding that so far, but just remember to keep things that way. Conflict is fine, but don't overdo it. I'd like to see these two wind up together for a good while
I'll be honest (and try to avoid being a jerk at the same time... I'll probably fail miserably, but. Y'know, doesn't hurt to try.) Most of the stuff I proof-read for TWE is a load of crap, and I want to shoot myself in the foot afterwards. So, thanks for breaking that norm. And as long as you work on the grammar aspect of your writing, you'll be doing wonderfully.
WW, we're done here.
i.imgur.com/7iudW.jpg
"that, that couldn't happen."
"an orchards worth"
change those "coming" to "come"
"strength"
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Somehow I'm reminded of a Nat Geo I watched on lions once... Funny thing societal structures.
Ignoring your overly zealous love of both commas, and italics. Another good chapter. That's all there really is to say, aside from 'hurry up and publish this so others can read it'. (And so you can possibly get the next chapter out faster =3)
This review courtesy of TWE
Were done here, WW out
i.imgur.com/7iudW.jpg
I promised myself I wouldn't cry. And I'm not....it's just, I've been cutting onions, and my allergies are acting up, and it's been raining out, and there's a lot of dust......and......
OH GOD This is watching Where The Wild Things are with a psyche textbook's worth of daddy issues all over again!
Ok, kidding aside. I'm actually relieved. I mean, my super inflated ego taking a few bruises I can take. Sometimes you've gotta be broken down to pick yourself up (It's like Bruce Wayne's dad said "Why do we fall off the horse?", well, that and, also "Auggghh" after he got SHOT IN THE FACE!)
I kind of imagined it'd be a lot more of a scathing review. Grammar aside (Which, granted, for someone who took A single Creative Writing English Course at his local University. I should probably be better at regardless) most of your other criticisms are actually pretty legit. The overkill use of Italics is kind of an artistic, as apposed to gramatical choice. If this were a film by someone like David Fincher they'd be the words that popped up on screen as they were being narrated by Edward Norton, but, if they take away from the story I can get rid of them in a heartbeat.
Honestly, I was kinda expecting like a "Dude, do you really think you're that clever?" or a "Guy_Incognito PLZ the opening monologue (textolouge?) is stolen from Insert Many References here" type criticism. But, I'm really glad you're a fan of it so far.
It doesn't really take a Stephen Hawking to figure out where the story's going, and I don't want to turn the Gentle Strokes X Stormy thing into a Rachel X Ross thing, so by chapter 3 they'll be together. Then the rest of the story can begin. I've got some pretty, I wanna say 'clever' ideas to make it less about The Romance and more about How Crazy College Can Be.
Thanks again for the review, though.
Sincerely. Guy Incognito.
1570331 Ah, one thing I forgot. Back when he said "She'll spread her legs for anything with a cute accent" (or something like that.) It would probably be better as "She'll lift her tail" (since they're ponies, they don't really spread their legs. Y'know?)
1570096 That is such an amazing and useful post :D /editorless
I've finally gotten to it. Yay! Though it does seem to be almost completely fixed.
This was the only thing that struck me as weird:
I feel like the sentence could use more explanation but that might just be me. The way I would write it would be ...offered the same inviting smile and set about fixing him his drink. I had to read it twice to get the full meaning but again that could just be me. Really the only reason I even put it is because I felt I had to put something after dallying about for so long.
I really like this story and where you're going with it and believe that werewolf has done a superb job of actually editing. So much so that I feel rather useless in that regard. But as an opinionated individual I must say something so here goes. Great story, I love where it's going and you've created pretty good main characters and built yourself a nice world hear with a nice combination of cynicism and creepy but brilliant humor. I await your future releases.
You've awoken my interest and now I sit impatient.
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1756233
Hey, thanks for commenting with that list of sweet ass threads, bro. I'm a little ashamed to admit this but, I'm actually a 600 pound, diabetic, though so I can't really wear 'people clothes'
But, if there's any way you can hook a brotha up with a sick ass Ed Hardy Moo-Moo or Snuggie I'd totally nab that up, dawg. Shit'd be so tight!
P.M. me if you can hook it up, kid!
1756356
...
Lord, is that you?
Heh heh heh, Choke n' Stroke.
Cover image of the year, all years.
1756375
Haha, I don't think so. Unless your lord is a single gay man who spends his time writing equally gay pony stories, watching re-runs of Fraiser, drinking red wine and cuddling with his cats.
1756949
Thank you, sir.
I hope you enjoyed the story as much as the cover art that came attached with it
blog.commarts.wisc.edu/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/gary.jpg
One thing: remove the period from the end of your title.
1778234
Thanks for pointing that out, dude.
I hope it didn't stop you from reading the rest of the story?
1778207
Haha. I reckon someone was bound to make that connection, I was even tempted when I couldn't find cover art to just post a pic like that myself.
Unfortunately, my story isn't anywhere near the sheer genius that was Diff'rent Strokes. For nearly a decade that show rocked the airwaves; it captured audiences's hearts and minds and had all of America asking 'What was Willis talking about?' Of course, it also had it's fair share of strong messages; who could forget the very special episode where we learned the dangers of talking to strangers? Or about the racial segregation that affected America? It really was a diamond in the rough.
I guess what I'm trying to say is; I have a shitty sense of humor and I hope you can look past that and my other shortcomings and enjoy my story?
1786194
Haha, it's either that or I'm world's best liar :-p
1819447
Why thank you sir. I really appreciate that.
I reckon that means you liked the chapter, then?
Great chapter! Looking forward to more, love the characters too, not sure if they're based off anything or OCs (if it is based on anything I have no idea what it is) but either way I LOVE this story
Well if this isn't just the sweetest thing I've ever seen...
I'm going to get diabetes from all this cute and it's going to be your fault.
Damn that was a good chapter! Love the fic. What a twist
I loved this story the first time I read it and it's still brilliant to me. Now his thoughts are much clearer. I look forward to reading this next chapter that you have released.
YES! I love it! That is absolutely adorable and I'm glad we have his self pity and inner drama out of the way so we can finally get to the good stuff. I really like where this is going and eagerly await the next part.
1820099
Dude, you have absolutely no idea how nice it is to come home from an 8 hour shift, after spending all day doing X-Mas shopping to read a comment like this. It really made my night!
I'm glad you're loving it. It makes all the time, effort, blood sweat and tears (The last three are more metaphorical than literal
) that I put into the story so worth it. You have no idea. It's like getting an early Christmas present.
If you like this chapter, and it sounds a lot like you do, I'm sure you'll love chapter's 4 and 5. I'm still fixing them up at the moment, there's a boatload of grammar/spelling and generally atrocious pacing errors in a few places but it shouldn't take me more than a week. 2 at the most. So, you can look forward to that.
I'm really happy to hear, also, that you love the characters. I started off with a few rough ideas for a story about a Closet Case Outsider (Who became what Gentle Strokes is today.) and a totally irresponsible, shallow and selfish Gay pony (Who actually became Jag....minus the 'gay.) who drags him out of the closet kicking and screaming. It got a bit cliche, so I went back and fixed up the characters to be more like they are now. Chapter 1 was kind of written before I did that (Which is why it kind of reads a lot different than the rest of the story.) but I like it more as it is now.
Thanks again for the comment. It's great to have a fan like you, dude.
1823096
I love your display pic!
Thanks for the comment, also. I really appreciate any fan support I can get. I feel like one of those 'Self Important' kind of authors cause literally half my comments are me letting people know I appreciate the support, but, I don't care. You guys make it all worth while.
Please pat yourself on the back and know that it's guys like you who make writing this thing all worth while
I went into this story dubious. Did I care much? Not really.
I came out. Did I care? OF COURSE I DID!
Such a normal concept for a story; so lifelike. I wish, WISH, I could write as good as you. Yes you've got a few grammar errors with commas as I've seen but, generally that's nitpicking. It's like you're throwing cherries into a lawnmower, while most others try to find art by throwing an entire brick house into a dysfunctional woodcutter.
Moustache.
I kid you not; this is amazing. And I've only read one chapter.
1880972
Hey. Thanks, Lazy_Bones. It's comments like these that making a story with a very, and I'll be the first to admit it 'limited audience' (Not too many people are hopping on the 'Gay College Experiences' band-wagon these days, unfortunately
) so very worth it.
If you like the first chapter, then I'm sure you'll be delighted to know I plan on 'dropping' (To use a little bit of slang
) chapter 4 sometime today/night/post New Years.
D'aww
All the praise. All of it.
I feel we're very similar in some ways, Guy_Incognito. We both seem pessimistic about our own work, and when we look upon each others' we're amazed at the brilliance. You've got me honestly caring about the main duo, and the other characters are fleshed out so well that I dislike their attitudes, but they can still keep things interesting and at times give me a chuckle. Excellent work as usual. Keep it up.
On another note, any more scenes like this and I may, at the very least, turn bisexual.
1901862
Oh....um....yikes.
Well, as a proud and true Canadian. A gentleman and also an over-enthusiastic 'Homo-sexicle' I'm trying to find a way to say this without sounding like...well, a douche. Did...um...did you read the description? Again, I don't mean to sound like an asshole but I just used an 'internet meme' that a lot of the 'kids' are familiar with to help promote my story because I didn't have relevant cover art. There are no Zoidbergs here. Just a tightly woven story about two polar opposite Colts who forge a budding Gay (b)romance during their time spent at college. It's a tongue-in-cheek look at how College is a place where young adults (In this case Ponies.) during those 'golden years' between the ages of 18-25 where young men and women feel invincible and how when people (Ponies) are finally released from the tensions of expectations really start to live.
So, uh, yup. No 'Zoidbergs' but if you stick around there's a couple good Sex Jokes, a few cracks at Drug Addicts, Lots of M/M Canoodling and maybe even a halfway decent love story.
The ending was brilliantly adorable and I truly loved the allusion to twilight. That made my day. Overall a lovely continuation of a story that I can't get enough of. I look forward to more chapters as well as the other stories you said you would be starting or publishing if they're already started and would gladly proofread anything if you want me to. Though from this you've got enough people looking at it that it's smooth sailing.
1891615
I think my Parish Priest would be infinitely upset with me if I managed to 'convert' you
(Joke) Alt. Title: Diff'rent Jokes
ROFL.
Well done.
I found Jag's Capital 'G' 'A' 'Y' to be the best. Just something about it. Perhaps it was a way it flowed.
Somehow, to me, that sounds way dirtier than if he had used actual vulgarity. Not so much because of the strangeness of the sexual kink, but more "I was gonna eat that salad!"
1959670
Thank you very much. Reading that kinda made me all tingly inside. Writing anything with Jag is usually my favorite, except for maybe the fluffy or smutty scenes with Strokes and Stormy.
Either way, Jag is best pony?
Jag is best pony.
Also, kudos for making sexy romantic things without actually going into super explicit territory. It's surprisingly rare to see that done well.
I'm really loving this story and these characters. I think you've done a wonderful job of breaking the mold of the "Out gaypony falling for the closet case". It's very refreshing and I-I um... seem to have something stuck in my eye.
I looking forward to reading the rest.
1965076
I think it's official now: Jag is best pony. That, and thanks for the compliment. I wasn't sure if I had anything resembling skills at writing something other than self depreciative ponies but as long as one person things I can do that and throw in borderline sexy fluff I'm a happy camper. Also, just as an FYI I'm working (At snail's pace) on a Clop-Fic about Stormy's One Night Stand 'Mr. White Gold' and all the sexy shenanigans he gets up too during this story. It won't be straight clop (And yes, that's a double entendre), it'll be awkward as hell and maybe even a bit sexy? Anyway. It'll be done....at some point in my life, so check it out when it comes out?
1982198
This guy! I don't even know what to say. Nothing makes me happier than a review like this! So, thank you very, very much. Also, the next few chapters get kinda 'cute' (maybe?) so if you like it now, it should get better from here on out!
Alright, so after reading the rest of the chapters I must say that I'm rather happy about your choice of how you portrayed Stormy's sexuality. It is beyond refreshing that you made the fact that he's gay a small part of who he is as apposed to it being the main contribution to his personality. It pains me when I see the same effeminate girl guy or the butch bear type slapped into a story with nothing but their sexual preference's stereotype to pass as a personality and "flavor".
Being gay doesn't mean you act, walk, or talk a certain way. It's just a small part of what you are not who you are. Most of us are just regular guys that happen to like dick. So thanks for emphasizing that.
Anyway, love this story. I'm looking forward to more of it and whatever else you might have have in the works.
I love Piper
Wonderful, worth the 4 hours I spent on reading it, time for my sick twisted mind, to imagine what comes next, I applaud you, one of the greatest, most talented authors here, I truly, just fell in love with you, hypothetically speaking, I am hoping dearly for a heart-breaking sequel :D
I see the chapter title, then immediately think of Max Payne...
Anyways, this is some of the most cleverly written shit I've read in awhile! I actually laughed a good few times. It's a real cynical kind of humour.
Seems like a great start so far. Should have gotten around to reading this a lot sooner.
2056006
Hey, thanks dude. That means a lot.
And, honestly, I'd be lying if I said the entire first chapter wasn't heavily inspired by (See 'Shamelessly Ripped Off') by the intro to Max Payne 3. I honestly couldn't get enough of the whole 'Max Payne's Self Pity Party' mojo of that game. I loved it!
2056024
I'm right there with you, man. I love that game to death.
Okay, wow. I fucking love this story.
I love the clever writing, the references to Max Payne and The Simpsons, the characters, the romance, the cynicism, and overall wackiness.
This is such a great story! I eagerly await for more.