The What and Whatiful Who

by cosby7

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Welcome, Welcome, Welcome

“You brought me to a prison?”

“In fairness, it does look like an amusement park.”

“You brought me to a prison!” Trixie was shrieking now. “Why would you bring me to a prison? I am the Great and Powerful Trixie! The Great and Powerful Trixie does not belong in a prison, especially not one that looks like a bucking judgmental stuck up fun park!”

Doctor Hooves remained quiet while Trixie continued her temper tantrum. He wasn’t really listening, of course. Companions freaked out sometimes. Usually best to let them get it out of their systems. Sometimes it even made them more calm when actual danger showed up. Instead, his keen mind was observing their surroundings, absorbing any clues he could find as to just where they might be, why, what they were going to do there, and how it all connected to the phenomena afflicting the Ponyville of the present. Nope, these eyes were not going to miss a thing.

“Trixie, it’s going to be okay,” he finally proclaimed when it sounded like the wailing had calmed down a little.“If worse comes to worst, we can always get out with the TARDIS.”

“Um, Doctor?”

Doctor Hooves sighed. He didn’t like the sound of that “Um, Doctor?” He had heard that “Um, Doctor?” before. It was easily his least favorite “Um, Doctor?”

“The TARDIS is gone. Isn’t it?”

“Mhmm,” came the squeaky reply.

Giving up his search of dramatic irony, Doctor Hooves turned around to where his TARDIS had been a mere instant before. Unsurprisingly, he was met with empty space. Growing almost more annoyed than concerned, he took a few steps forward, feeling around where the blue box had been. Had to make sure it hadn’t just been cloaked. Feel around for any clues. Nope. Complete dispersal. Perfect.

“Of course!” he yelled sarcastically. “Information! Mind telling me where my big blue box went? It's big, it's blue, says 'box' on it, you know the one!”

“Information: Illegal contraband must be confisca~ted!” the hologram singsonged.

“Of course!” he repeated as he frowned maliciously at the fake hostess. “So, you’ve moved it to some storage facility then?”

“That information cannot be accessed by inmates!”

“INMATES?”

“Trixie, calm down,” he hushed, still making angry faces at the cheery hologram. “I’ll get us out of this. Clarification: Check your records. We are not inmates. I’m Doctor Hooves and this is Trixie, um . . . I actually don’t know your last name.”

“Lulamoon.”

“Oh, that’s very pretty, actually. You should go by that more often. Lulamoon.”

“Trixie prefers Trixie. With a 'Great and Powerful,' if you please.”

“Fair enough. You got all that?”

“Affirmative! Processing,” the hologram said. She froze for a moment and immediately appeared less of a pony and all the more like a computer waiting to load. “Processing complete! Notification: Doctor Hooves and Trixie Lulamoon are now registered as inma~tes!”

“You are the worst at this!” Trixie screamed over the hologram’s pleased giggle.

“Certainly doesn’t seem to be one of my better days, I’ll give you that,” Doctor Hooves agreed a little too casually. “Um, clarification: Why are we inmates? We haven’t committed any crimes.”

“Oh, that’s silly!” the hologram giggled. “Everyone within Ponyville Pen is an inmate!”

“Okay then, silly question.”

“Yup!”

“Move aside,” Trixie screeched, shoving Doctor Hooves out of the way as she stared down the exuberant pony hologram. That vein in her forehead hadn’t been there before. “It is time for the Great and Powerful Trixie to take the stage! Now, tell us what this horrible place is! Why does Ponyville need such a massive prison and why does it look like this creepy amusement park!”

The hologram beamed proudly. “You didn’t say ‘Informa~tion!’”

Trixie’s horn glowed brightly, pulsing ever brighter with the throbbing of her temple. “Information this!” A hot beam of energy shot straight from her horn and flared menacingly at the hologram’s base. Instead of the satisfying explosion Trixie had been hoping for, the beam ricocheted off the polished metal, flying right back to smack Trixie in the face. The impact was enough to knock her off her feet, nearly pirouetting her in the air before she landed hard on her back. She rubbed her nose tenderly, but even the pain splitting her sides had done little to curb her viciousness.

“Uh oh!” holopony gasped. “You didn’t register Inmate Lulamoon as a unicorn! Processing . . . Information accepted! Please hold for your complementary gift!”

As soon as Trixie was back on her hooves, glowering worse than ever, she found herself gasping for air. A ring of light had encircled her throat and what she felt now was not unlike being strangled. What appeared to be only a construct of energy was physically pushing and probing at her neck, tightening and loosening as she frantically tried to calm herself and remove the thing. Gradually, the process lessened and the ring began to feel more comfortable. Finally, the light vanished and a ring of burnished silver adorned Trixie’s neck, just above the clasp of her cape. It clung just tight enough to not choke her.

“EXPLANATION!” Doctor Hooves yelled violently at the giddy image. He knew it was all simulated, but the fact that the thing seemed to be programmed to suggest it was enjoying Trixie’s torment was not something he could very well abide.

“All unicorn inmates must be fitted with standard anti-magic collars,” the hologram lectured. “It’s regulation!”

“That’s ridiculous!” Trixie huffed, more offended than she was hurting. “A unicorn is inseparable from her magic, especially the Great and Powerful Tri—aaaaAH!” As soon as her horn had started glowing, Trixie had screamed in pain. Shaken, she raised a hoof to her new necklace, scared to say anything more.

The Doctor had just about had it. “Information: Is there anyone monitoring this conversation right now? Is there someone in here controlling all this?”

“Hm hm. That information is not accessible to inmates!”

“Oh, well I really hope there is!” he yelled back menacingly. “I really hope there is, because I am giving you fair warning: You have hurt one of my friends and that is not an offense I suffer lightly! She has done nothing wrong! You release her, right now, and I will go easy on you. I’ll even play your game, but do not do this!”

The pink hologram remained silent, smiling expectantly.

“Doctor, it’s okay. I’m . . . Trixie is okay.” It took all her effort to sound as sure of herself as she did. Even the ever confident Trixie’s voice was muffled by the fear of her situation. “I’m okay.”

“Fine then. Have it your way.” The grave face of a pony pushed over the edge stared down the vacant hologram. “Information: Answer her questions. What is this place?”

“I~nformation: Ponyville Penitentiary, or Ponyville Pen, is the first correctional facility of its kind in Equestria! As crime rates increased over the years, the royalty and general populace of Equestria decided that a facility must be built to house and rehabilitate both enemies to the crown and common pony lawbreakers alike. In order to facilitate their recovery and ensure that such undesirable citizens attain a more harmonious disposition, the Ponyville Penitentiary was created to emulate a place of fun and happiness. All those whom Equestrian royalty decided to banish were promised an environment that would foster a kinder and friendlier disposition. The area that formerly contained Ponyville and its surrounding areas, such as the Everfree Forest, were chosen as the site for this state of the art facility, which combined technology and magic to make sure the entire process is entirely self-sustaining. Since its creation, Ponyville Pen has been rehabilitating in excess of one thousand inmates!”

The hologram’s enthusiastic tone clashed dramatically with the horrors it spoke of. How had this happened to Equestria? Twenty five hundred years was a long time, but was even that enough time for a society like Equestria’s to come to this? How could Princess Celestia have allowed something like this? Nothing about it made any sense.

“Clarification: What do you mean, ‘rehabilitating?’” the Doctor asked curiously. “How many inmates have been released?”

“Information: Zero inmates have been successfully rehabilitated.”

Trixie gasped. This just got worse and worse.

“No one? No pony ever?” The Doctor asked, forgetting himself for a moment. Fear had begun to creep into even his voice. “Information: How long has Ponyville Penitentiary been active?”

“That information is not accessible to inmates.”

“Of course not,” Doctor Hooves growled lowly. “Fine then. Information: If nopony has ever left, then where are all the other inmates? Why can’t we see or hear anypony?”

And then something they didn’t expect happened: The hologram remained silent. Instead of the quick bubbly responses they had grown used to, the hologram remained perfectly still and silent, nothing on its face but that same vacant look. Doctor Hooves repeated the question, but still, no response. It seemed like they waited an eternity, frightened to do anything else, but eventually, the hologram made its reply. When it finally spoke, the bouncy quality to its voice had gone. What spoke this time was a great deal more mechanical.

“All other inmates have been banished.”

“Right,” the Doctor said slowly. “They’ve all been banished to the prison. Here. Why can’t we see them here?”

“All other inmates have been banished.”

“Clarification: Banished where?”

“All other inmates have been banished.”

After that, no matter what Trixie or the Doctor asked, the hologram would only reply with one response.

“Where is the one running this place?”

“All other inmates have been banished.”

“Who is Menlo the Mustachioed?”

“All other inmates have been banished.”

“Chimi-cherry or cherry-changa?”

“All other inmates have been banished.”

“Have all the other inmates been banished?”

“All other inmates have been banished.”

Maybe they both wanted to avoid going any further or maybe they just needed something to alleviate their concerns for a while, but this took way longer than it should have to get old. At least the stupid thing wasn’t laughing like a big pink idiot anymore. Or singing.

“So, what should we do, Doctor?” Trixie asked, once they had gotten their fill of the broken record. Of course, she knew what his answer would be, but that didn’t stop her from hoping that he had another trick or two up his sleeve.

“Well, I suppose there’s nowhere to go but onward. Something tells me we’ll have to run into somepony sooner or later.” Trixie could not tell if he truly believed this or if he was just saying it for her sake. Stalling until he could come up with a better plan seemed like the kind of thing he would probably do. Either way, she didn’t have any better ideas herself, though, it was her most ardent wish at that moment she did. Even more than she wished for that horrible collar to be off her. “Trixie,” he smiled, offering his hoof. Now there was the Doctor Hooves she knew. “Would you care to accompany me for two tickets to rehabilitation?”

“Once again, Doctor,” she returned while taking his hoof, surprising herself at just how much better it made her feel, “the Great and Powerful Trixie was merely waiting for your lead.”

Before they could start on their way in earnest though, Doctor Hooves stopped them, one last time, in front of the hologram.

“One last thing. Which do you think is more fun to say: ‘Clover the Clever’ or ‘All other inmates have been banished?’”

“All other inmates have been banished.”

“Brilliant! Just making sure. Let’s go, Trixie.”

Without another word, they passed beyond the mysterious hologram and into the gates of Ponyville Penitentiary.