The What and Whatiful Who

by cosby7

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: The Most Dismal Place in Equestria

Trixie found herself in disbelief for just one of many times that, um, day? She wasn’t quite sure if she should consider it the same day that they left from or how exactly she should gauge the time spent. For a brief moment she considered going to look for a watch or something to keep track of her own time. Distantly, she recalled seeing an old pocket watch of some sort hanging about the TARDIS somewhere. It had caught her attention, since she found it odd that it was sitting as it was, open and unattended. When Trixie asked the Doctor where it had gotten to, he seemed evasive, almost like he didn’t want to think about it. It was of little consequence though. Trixie was a unicorn who liked to live in the moment and, at that moment, she was still doing the whole disbelieving thing.

Vacantly, she stared at the TARDIS doors, wondering with unabashed curiosity what might be found beyond them. It was still strange to her that the only indication they had moved was a bit of a shudder and that telltale TARDIS sound. Even so, she knew that when Doctor Hooves opened those doors, the stone walls of the Cantaerloth Palace meeting hall would be, quite literally, a thing of the past, and a new world entirely would take its place. Three thousand eight hundred and fifty one years was a very long time. Well, it was probably closer to twenty five hundred or so from her time, but still, that was a sizable chunk of time change.

“Hold on,” Doctor Hooves called from his console. He spared only a moment to scramble his way over to Trixie’s side. The way he frantically searched from side to side, anypony else might have thought he was nervous. Of course, Trixie understood by now that he was merely excited, making sure he would not need anything like a young colt going on a trip with his favorite toy.

“Now,” he resumed his talk seriously, “we need to be careful. With Cantaerloth we had an idea of what to expect, but even I don’t know what the future of Equestria is going to look like. If there are more like Menlo, it could very well be quite dangerous. Makes me wish I had a screwdriver, but I suppose it’s not much different from having a unicorn horn.” He made this last statement with a nod to Trixie’s own magical cranium protrusion. Sure, her horn was useful, Great and Powerful even, but she wasn’t sure quite how that made it like a screwdriver. Maybe to fix his loose screw. She laughed out loud at her own joke, gaining her a look of consternation from her companion. “I’m glad to see you’re taking this seriously.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not apologize,” she replied proudly. “But she understands your concern. We shall proceed with caution.”

“Good,” Doctor Hooves replied with a sort of half smile. It was probably safe to assume that was the best he could hope to get. “Doesn’t mean we can’t have fun though,” he finally exclaimed, breaking into a full grin. Within another instant he was racing to the door with all the enthusiasm he had just cautioned Trixie about. She balked at his audacity before hurrying to catch up herself. In tandem, they hurried to the TARDIS doors, bursting through at a full sprint. They immediately wished they hadn’t. Out of sheer terror, they skidded to a stop, hoping it would allow them enough time to shield themselves from the grotesquerie that loomed before them.

“Welcome, welcome, welcome! A fine welcome to you! Welcome, welcome, welcome! I say, ‘How do you do?’ Welcome, welcome, welcome! I say, ‘Hip hip hurray!’ Welcome, welcome, welcome, to Ponyville Pen toda~y!”

For a solid minute, all Trixie and the Doctor could do was cower in abject horror, clinging to one another for dear life. A bit of confetti shot out.

When it became apparent that the worst was over, the two intrepid time travelers opened their eyes and awkwardly pushed away from one another. Trixie fussed with her cape. Spurned on by curiosity, Doctor Hooves slowly approached their tormentor with a discerning eye. The bright pink pony that had been singing mere moments before stood atop a raised platform. She stared ahead, not at the Doctor or anything in particular, but just stared, grinning a broad, vacant smile. He put his hoof to his chin for a moment, before thrusting it out in front of him, towards the pony’s uncanny eyes. It passed right through. More confident, he waved his hoof around, watching interestedly as it phased through the pony every which way, without resistance.

“Hologram. Impressive.”

“A what? Does that mean ‘ghost?’” Trixie asked, having forgotten her cape as soon as the Doctor started haphazardly probing the incorporeal pony. “Because Trixie ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts. But she is not a fan either.”

“No, no, no,” he replied, trying to mask a chuckle with a consoling tone. “It’s not real. Just an illusion. I’d say it’s just for ambiance, but, judging by the way it seems to be waiting for something, it’s probably some sort of information directory for . . . .” He trailed off, searching their new surroundings, only now taking it all in.

A cursory glance would suggest that they were outside, but a closer look acknowledged that the color was too consistent and the uniform clouds moved too meticulously. The serene blue sky was a fake; an enormous domed ceiling, stretching as far as the eye could see, every inch a screen. If this really was all inside, then the building that housed them must have been absolutely enormous. At the moment, they appeared to be in a kind of courtyard. The hologram pony was flanked by two large open ironwork gates. A path meandered out and around beyond each, leading to the horizon. Various trees and shrubs dotted the landscape, adding some life to the various brightly colored, but oddly sterile buildings the paths went past. Of course, the plants too were fake. Everything here appeared to be fake.

Off beyond the horizon though, Doctor Hooves noticed something different. There was still the occasional tall building, but mixed in and between them were twisting ironworks and raised paths of polished metal. They were like train tracks. He saw some sort of early rocket ship and a mountain of some kind of plaster and ceramic. An enormous windmill rotated off to one side. On the opposite side was a truly enormous tree. Little attempt had been made to make this one look natural, with its trunk larger than most buildings, and a full forest growing on the top of it. Just below the tree, what looked to be a ferris wheel rotated with a hypnotic rhythm. Various signs, neon and hoofpainted alike, appeared everywhere.

“It’s like an amusement park,” Trixie said in awe.

“Is it? I’ve only ever really been to Euro Disney and I didn’t stick around long. Walt’s third clone was unthawing a little early. You know how it is.”

“Yes. Trixie knows,” she replied mechanically.

“Never really found them all that amusing myself. Lines, I guess. What’s the point of doing something if you have to wait for it to happen?” Trixie just nodded. “You a fan then?”

“Of amusement parks?” she asked incredulously. “No, not really. Trixie has learned to avoid amusement parks.” She puffed up her cheeks, mumbling to herself. “‘Passe magic tricks,’ indeed!”

“Something does bother me, though,” the Doctor flustered, mostly ignoring Trixie’s mutterings. He swayed off to one side, looking back in the opposite direction, behind where the TARDIS sat. The path that split into two around the hologram and through the gates stretched behind them, back as far as the eye could see. Wherever it was that the path led, the distance looked unreal. It probably was. “Well, two somethings.”

“Please, continue to keep Trixie in suspense,” she replied, rolling her yes. “It’s not like we’re doing anything important.”

“Alright, no need to get snippy,” Doctor Hooves returned, legitimately taken aback at the unexpected frustration. He didn’t make things that difficult, did he? “The first thing, is why isn’t anypony here?”

That was actually a good question. Trixie hadn’t realized it at first, she had expected they would arrive where they wouldn’t be seen, so it wasn’t much of a surprise when there wasn’t an immediate clamor to check out the big blue box, but this emptiness was strange. If it was really an amusement park, then there should be ponies all over the place, whether they noticed them or not. Instead, the place was empty. More importantly, it was silent.

“And the second,” Doctor Hooves frowned, beholding the hologram pony once again, “is that.”

“Well, yeah,” Trixie agreed with a note of disappointment, “it’s pretty creepy, but I think she just sings public domain songs. Believe me, Trixie has been to parks with way worse mascots.”

The Doctor didn’t seem to hear her.

“Information: What was it you sang before?”

A weird glimmer appeared in the hologram’s eyes and it started to move. “Welcome, welcome, wel—”

“No!” Doctor Hooves in Trixie shouted in unison, stopping themselves just short of reaching out to tackle the incorporeal pony. It flickered and returned to its default stance. “Sorry, not the whole song. Please. Just the one bit about where we’re being welcomed to?”

“Information,” the hologram replied in a robotic, but still weirdly bubbly voice. “Welcome to Ponyville Pen!”

“And that would be ‘Pen’ as in . . . .”

“Penitentiary!”

“Brilliant!” the Doctor said with genuine enthusiasm. “We’re safe then. It’s not an amusement park.”

“Oh, good,” Trixie returned hesitantly. “What’s a penitentiary then?”

“Information: It’s a prison, silly!”

“A WHAT?”

“Oi! That’s right, she was asking me!” Doctor Hooves groused at the hologram. “Yeah, it is a prison, though.” Trixie glared at her priority-impaired companion with a look of mixed fear and anger. Mostly anger. “Silly.”