This story follows a technologically intrigued pony named Colton into his adventure of escaping insanity. Colton just got a job at the lower level of the skeptical building known as the Rainbow Factory. Colton then realizes that his goal to get money for his girlfriend's operation will be harder then he thought.
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choo choooooooooooo~
1443123 Whooooooossshhh
Why the fuck would you name a pony Colton?
1443181 Because Colt.
i r crateve lawl
1443123 I may not be in TWE, but come on, that only detracts from the credibility of their group.
Yes, the story isn't the best, and it has some plot based errors.
Spellingwise and grammarwise, it's alright, though the author does have plenty of comma mistakes, and I'll let other commenters/reviewers worry about that.
Anyway, to the storyline!
First of all: the name Buffout and Psycho? Somehuman has been playing fallout >.^ .
This story seems unoriginal in its general premice, though I did notice one thing in particular that stood out.
This gave me an idea, one that you might want to take advantage of, if you so choose to. According to BronyDanceParty's video, Rainbow Factory, the machine stabs a knife into the barrel of various ponies and extracts their 'spectra' before dumping them into a vat as a grey version of themselves, as you have also described in your story. While I understand that Colton's return to the living is a plot point, and that no other ponies survive, I think it would be absolutely fascinating if the ponies DID survive, just in an inert, greyed, and conscious state. That would be rather horrible (in a good way) imo; something to explore from a psychological perspective.
But your character seems like a self-insert, and the fact that he manages to survive all of these trials as a normal pegasus appears rather ridiculous, considering the events of this all happen within a few days, rather than a few weeks. I found it harder to connect to the character as the story went on.
The sections lack description too, so I suggest working on expanding ideas, character personality progressions (through showing, not telling), and environments.
Ave
Axôlú
Hello there. This is Schlippy, here to give you my two cents on this very...interesting story.
Don't ask me how you did it, but somehow you managed to rush through this entire story. Listen, normally five-thousand-plus words can do a one-shot justice. But the thing is, this story shouldn't be a one-shot. Your character is supposed to slowly progress into insanity, soon resorting to killing the workers in order to survive. This could have worked, the key words being COULD HAVE. But you crammed it into such a tiny space that his spiral into insanity has lost any sort of appeal to the audience. Such a rapid decay of an OC's mind isn't good for anybody, you know. A good idea would be to expand each day into a seperate chapter, each day getting more and more eerie and violent than the last. Stretch it out. We readers probably have a longer attention span than you might think. Right now, it feels too much like an outline, a skeleton. Not a story.
Also, there's kind of a FREAKING WALL OF TEXT getting in way. Try using the enter key for once. It can do wonders. Also, the recordings feel very...off to me. I just think it's very abrupt and interrupting, especially since you have to add "(the next part is partially in audio recording)". I don't know what you can do to fix it, but that's just something you ought to know.
Also, here's an unfortunate fact of life for you. Rainbow Factory "sequels" tend to get a lot of flak on this website. It's something that I'd highly advise avoiding unless you are ABSOLUTELY SURE you can do it justice. But, with the rushed plot-line and the huge wall of text, this story doesn't make the cut. 'Tis the truth,, and it may hurt. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Unless you break your spine and get paralyzed...
Anywhore...Giving you an unwept slip...
~UnweptSchlipps
TWE Reviewer/Guy Who's Supposed to be the Derpy Trash Pail Person But is Too Lazy to Get Off His Ass and Take it Out
Okay guys, thanks for all the feedback, negative or positive. It really helps me as a writer because obviously I won't get better if I don't know what I'm doing wrong. The fact that the majority of the reviews are negative tells me that I'm doing more then I thought wrong. Another thing to mention is that I'm not sure that I did, this is a series and there will be more parts. Thanks for the support, and/or advice, as I'm new to the game and have a lot to learn.