I'm 10% hydrogen, 18% carbon, 15% concentrated power of will. 3% nitrogen, 65% oxygen, and a 100% reason to remember the name.
When a plan a millennium years in the making begins to unfold, Night Mist is threatened with the prospect of losing everything he's ever had. But if he accepts a deal from a pegasus he met long ago in a place he'd rather forget, he'll gain a higher place in a new world order.
All he has to do is betray his entire country.
(Special thanks to my sister for the cover art and another special thanks to Hunterforce for being my proof-reader/editor.)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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alright i have made it this far, i will continue later (tomorrow to be more spesific.) i have never done anything like this so just bear with me on this one.
so far its decently written. you reveal very little about Night Mist at all, perhaps to create a mystery behign him but i just dont feel it. Nothing so far encoruages... engcourag.. drives me to keep reading, it just sorta feels bland. personally i think you could have done a lot more when he was in their base, everything just sorta fell into place. it is well written but there is next to no exitement to drive it, you could have easely created more conflict when he was captured or somethig. if there is mystery you are going after... yea i get a little feel for it but not a whole lot. so far, everything just seems to be progressing a little fast.
)
so end toughts so far. I dont really Feel anything for our main character, everything just sorta feels bland... but i will continue tomorrow. (wow after writing this i am left with a dirty feeling inside of me. hope i diddent come off as hateful or rude... peace out
alright finished it. it was a little slow untill chapter 6-7 but i really likes it from there and out, the ending felt a little rushed but that may just be my personal oppinion.
so my final toughts are that i think it is well written but your slow start may turn away a lot of readers. not many are going to continue for 7 chapters with little motivating them to keep reading. i think you could have done a lot more with the inner conflict that the main characters has througout the story.
but all in all i liked it.
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Thanks for the feedback.