"OH YEAH!" Silver shouted at the fallen zebra, "You were all smug before, weren't you?! Then you got kicked in your nuts!"
"Agghhh..." Thug Lyfe moaned quietly, "Fuckin' bitch..."
"Yep! I did it! All me! Beware these hooves, because I'm dangerous! Go Silver! Mmhmm! Go Silver!"
Silver enjoyed her victory by doing a little dance.
"Imma...Imma get you...ho..."
The pegasus jumped right on top of Thug Lyfe and pulled his face up to hers.
"NOPE! You aren't! And do you know why?! Because I am Silver Vein! I am an artist! And your testicles are my canvas!"
"Ahem."
Silver and Thug Lyfe's eyes both widened in surprise, and they looked over to an alleyway just a little way away from them, where Second was leaning against the wall and giving them both an odd look.
"Am I interrupting something?"
"SIR! I- This isn't what it-"
"Now, now, Silver. You don't have to justify yourself to me. I'm an open minded guy. If you want to pursue a relationship with a brainwashed zebra, that's entirely your business, and I won't be judging anyone for it. Though, in future, I'd prefer if you two could keep it private? I don't know what possessed you to take this display out in public, much less this street in particular, but there are some things a human just doesn't want to see, you know?"
Silver spluttered in disbelief.
"BUT I-"
Thug Lyfe put a hoof over her mouth.
"Sorry L.S. my nigga. Bitches just all be like, 'baby, I want you now', and I be all like 'fo sure, fo sure', and den they be all 'let's take it outside', and I'm like 'I'm DOWN for a good time'. 'Cause Thug Lyfe don't mind the kinky shit. Ya know? Ya know what I'm saying dawg?"
"Yeah, for real. I know that shit bro," Second said like the forty five year old white southerner he was.
And all the while, Silver was still struggling to explain things.
"Sir, he-!"
"Bitch, shut yo whore mouth! You wanna be Thug Lyfe's bitch, you play by Thug Lyfe's rules. Ain't that right, homie?"
"Sure is," Second replied, "Gangsta bitches gotta do what they're told, Silver. That is a rule."
There is no way to describe the absolute despair on Silver's face at that moment.
"Anyway, I'm letting myself get distracted," said Second, "I finished up in the caves earlier. I found what I wanted. In fact, I found a lot more than what I wanted. There are some things I just...don't want to think about right now. What's important is that we continue with the plan. Secopolis awaits, and so does Project Pandora."
Silver wanted to ask what Project Pandora was, but she was still frozen up right now. Second seemed annoyed by this.
"Fine. Don't ask about my ultimate secret plan. I just won't tell you. You'll be left in the dark, and I'll just do all the black ops shit by myself. See how you feel when I leave you out of the loop!"
Second turned his back to them and marched away down the street.
"...I..." Silver whispered to herself.
Thug Lyfe leaned in and whispered into her ear.
"I'm still gonna get you later, bitch."
***
Soft Spoken's eyes opened, and he found himself staring up at a cloudy sky. Snow fell all around him, but he didn't feel the cold. What he did feel was heavy, and bruised. Also, somepony was carrying him.
"Huh?"
Actually...this wasn't a pony. It was almost certainly not a pony.
"Who are you?!" he shouted.
A spider's eyes are on the side of their body, and Soft Spoken was being carried on its back, so his rescuer wasn't able to really look at him. Though, he did reply to his question.
"Legionnaire Arcelio, my good sir," he answered in a refined accent, "Your friends told me that you fell down here, so I came to retrieve you. And any other fallen pegasi of course, but sadly most of them didn't make it. The impact of the fall killed everypony else. 'Tis a sad day, but fortunately you survived. You probably have your armour to thank for that. A wonderful construction, if I do say so, though I'm guessing not in the best of shape right now?"
That was an understatement. The Rainbow Six was badly damaged. The metal surface was dented, the paint was scratched away in places, a wing was burned off, demon claws had torn a gash in the armour's back, though not as bad as the damage to Chain Mail's, and the lack of displays over the helmet's visor indicated that all the systems were offline.
"I..." Softy gasped, "I can't move...I'm hurt..."
"Terribly sad to hear, old chap. I wouldn't worry though. Your movement is probably just restricted because of the armour's shutdown. We can get you out of it once we reach New Arachnia near the summit. We can get a Legion doctor to look at you too. Our medicine is based on the ancient tribal techniques of our ancestors, combined with the best of modern science. You'll be feeling right as rain in no time."
Softy coughed.
"Thank you."
"What is your name, if you don't mind me asking?"
"...Soft Spoken."
"Ah! A stallion of words! A pony of great intelligence and wisdom no doubt. I'm sure you have a great many worldly insights for a young recruit such as myself."
"...How young are you?"
"Oh, only twenty three. I am not the most experienced legionnaire, but the elders felt that my youth would make me a better friendly face to greet you all. Some of the veterans can be quite intimidating."
"...You've already met my friends then?"
"Yes, and your pony princesses as well. Good friends of the Legion, and the Harmonites. They are the ones who provided us with our home here, the only home my people have known since the Great Eruption."
Softy winced inside his helmet as he felt a headache coming on.
"I'm confused though," he said, "I thought the Spider Legion was dead? I thought they were enemies of Equestria? The history books all said you invaded us about a thousand years ago and then we wiped you out completely."
"Hoho! How quaint. But no, sir. The Legion is far from dead."
"...How though?"
"I'm sure the elders will be glad to give you a proper history lesson. For now though, we must press on. Your friends wait for us near the fourth beacon, and we had best not delay! Every second spent out in the cold is another opportunity for Qramstarflokrinhir and his ilk to strike again."
***
Secopolis had military helicopters.
It had a lot of them.
Second, Silver, and Thug Lyfe walked through the Canterlot city gate out to the grassy cliffside where a massive, dark green helicopter with two rotors was parked. The side doors were open, and inside the helicopter and around it were several knights in standard uniform, plus a few unicorns in lab coats that were probably from the Mages' Guild.
One thing that had changed about the Knights of Man was that they had now taken to using firearms. Each one of them had a rifle hung around their neck by a strap in addition to their sheathed melee weapons that they had used before. They also each had a holster on their right foreleg containing a standard pistol much like Thug Lyfe's, and a similar one on the left for a combat knife.
The unicorns levitated their guns, while the earth ponies and pegasi all had them held in a single hoof. As Silver looked closely at them, she realised that all the non-magical ponies had been fitted with a bionic hand on one hoof. It was something that the Mages' Guild had been working on. She had thought the project would have been scrapped after their headquarters was destroyed, but apparently they had kept backups.
Those crafty devils.
"LORD SECOND, SIR!"
Silver balked as an earth pony stepped out of the helicopter and approached them. He was huge! It was not an exaggeration to say that this pony was alicorn size. Rather than having the thin, tall legs and slender body of an alicorn though, he was just a great hulking brute with bulging muscles.
His eyes were blood red and his mane was a dark blue buzz cut. He had a burnt orange coat, and his armour was seemingly custom built for his sheer size. Additionally, his helmet wasn't like the regular helms used by the other Knights of Man, or even the Equestrian royal guards, but a monstrous horned thing that made him look like an ancient Zebrican tribal warrior.
"I AM MOST PLEASED TO SEE YOU SUCEEDED IN YOUR MISSION," he thundered, "MY NAME IS COMMANDER STEROID ABUSER. I HAVE BEEN RUNNING THE KNIGHTS OF MAN SINCE THE DEATH OF COMMANDER BULLSEYE, AND HOLDING SECOPOLIS AGAINST THE REBEL INSURGENTS."
Silver and Thug Lyfe stared at the horrific beast of a pony in wide eyed shock, neither quite believing what they were seeing. Second however was treating this as completely normal, and didn't act any differently than if it had been any other pony.
"Rebel insurgents you say?" he repeated, "What kind of rebels would these be then?"
"THE PRETENDERS THAT CALL THEMSELVES 'CONGRESS', AND WHO HAVE ATTEMPTED TO ESTABLISH DOMINANCE OVER THE CITY IN YOUR ABSENCE, SIR. THE KNIGHTS OF MAN HAVE BEEN FIGHTING THEM FURIOUSLY, AS HAVE THE BRAVE UNICORN SCIENTISTS OF THE MAGES' GUILD. WE FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT, SIR. EVERY DAY."
"Congress?!" Second shouted, "What the fuck are you doing fighting Congress?! Congress are the ones who are SUPPOSED to be in charge! Have you ignorant fucks already forgotten that?!"
"WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, SIR, THEY ATTACKED US FIRST. THE MAGES GUILD AND KNIGHTS OF MAN CAME UNDER A HEAVY ASSAULT. WE ARE DOING WHAT WE ARE DOING OUT OF SELF DEFENCE, AND A NECESSITY TO KEEP THE PONIES OF SECOPOLIS SAFE FROM THEIR DANGEROUS IDEALS."
Second bitch slapped the hulk-pony across the face.
"OW. THAT HURT, SIR."
"As it should, you gigantic retard! I'm gone for one day and you idiots start a civil war?! What am I supposed to say?! 'Oh good job, commander! I love all the blood and guts you've applied to the buildings! The burning flags and angry mob are a particularly nice touch! I sure am glad you fucked my city into the ground!"
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT, SIR. I HAVE LIMITED RESOURCES AND CAME UNDER ATTACK UNEXPECTEDLY. COORDINATING NEGOTIATIONS FOR A NONVIOLENT SOLUTION WAS IMPRACTICAL AT BEST UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES."
"Excuses, excuses! Just shut the fuck up and take me back to Secopolis! I was hoping we could just move right ahead to Project Pandora and fixing all the shit that needs to be in place before my plan can go off, but no! It looks like I'm going to have to stop a civil war too! A civil war that wouldn't have happened in the first place if you ignorant motherfuckers hadn't decided to act like a bunch of goddamn humans!"
"BUT YOU TOLD US TO ACT LIKE HUMANS, SIR. YOU SAID IT WOULD LEND PURPOSE TO OUR MEANINGLESS AND EMPTY LIVES."
"I meant be like humans in terms of science, industry and economics! You know! The things humans are good at and can be looked up to for! Don't act like humans socially! Human society is a broken fucking mess of a system that can't be abandoned fast enough! Why do you think I created my city state as a dictatorship and turned the only semblance of democracy into a total farce? It's because you primitive bunch of backward fucking savages need someone to rule you like a king otherwise you keep fucking things up! Case in point, motherfucking revolution! Jesus Christ!"
Second kicked Steroid Abuser in the chest and knocked him over. He let out an inequine wail of pain, remarkably while staying completely still otherwise and not moving any of his limbs. Second just kept grumbling and walked over to the helicopter.
"Hmm. Chinook. Nice choice," he commented to a nearby knight.
"Sir," the knight said, saluting.
"Hey, lovebirds! Come on! We're going!"
***
"Arcelio?"
"Worry not, pony visitors! I have retrieved your friend from the snow banks below."
The spider dropped Soft Spoken before the princesses and his friends.
"A heavy stallion too, though that's probably thanks to his rather robust protective suit. A fine piece of equipment. Your people have come far, princesses."
"Oh, we didn't build these. It's all stolen," Luna replied.
"No matter! Issues of theft can be spoken of over tea later on, and we can all share stories and many a laugh! I for one have a great story I could regale you with about the time I stole my older brother's toothbrush! Hahaha!"
The legionnaire became more subdued and stared at the ground.
"Of course, then he became angry and ate our mother. 'Twas not the best of circumstances, but she was rather delicious, so not all was lost."
He noticed the ponies were staring at him.
"What?"
"Nothing," said Celestia.
"Quite. Anyway, on we go. Follow me old chaps! The good spiders of New Arachnia await you with open arms!"
Legionnaire Arcelio scuttled away up the mountain path.
"You heard him everypony!" Chain Mail called, "Get a move on!"
The survivors of the battle with the demons, though reluctant, followed their captain's lead and continued the trek. Ancient Tome stepped in and claimed the honour of magically carrying Soft Spoken the rest of the way up.
"Mr. Gold Coin?"
The yellow earth pony looked down and found Mystic by his side.
"Oh, hey there. I didn't see you around in the battle. Find a good place to hide, I hope?"
Mystic grumbled something in response.
"What was that?"
"...Nothing."
"Hey, where did Sliske go?"
"I don't know, Mr. Gold Coin. He just vanished."
"She. It's she now. We're trying to be consistent."
"Sorry, Mr. Gold Coin."
"And stop calling me that, kid. You can just call me Goldie. It's what everypony else does. Like how we call that other old fool Softy."
"Sorry Mist- I mean, Goldie."
The older stallion smiled and crouched down lower.
"Here. Get on my back; I'll carry you the rest of the way."
Mystic returned his smile and climbed on. He put his forelegs around the earth pony's neck and held on as they began their ascent.
"So...Goldie. Is Softy going to be alright?"
"Just fine, Mystic. Don't you worry about him. He's tougher than he looks."
The colt went quiet again, and just held on as they continued their journey.
"Hey kid?"
"Yeah?"
"Softy told me you've been getting better with your magic recently."
"Sure am!" Mystic said proudly, "Sliske's been teaching me stuff! It's really cool!"
"Hey, that's great. Listen, I might be getting my hopes up, but do you know how to do that warming spell at all?"
***
Meanwhile, down in the snowy abyss just alongside the main path, a dark mare opened her eyes, and growled in rage.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHhhhhh...Agghhh..."
And then broke down crying.
END
Author's notes:
But hey, Silver didn't get in trouble for trying to kill Thug Lyfe, Softy survived, and everything turned out for the best! OR DID IT?!
Well, I finally introduced Steroid Abuser like I promised, so yes. Yes it did.
Next Chapter: Maybe a next chapter segment that actually delivers on its promises?
I'm glad we are starting to get more information on the spider legion.
what
I believe that I am now sterile; due to the ball crushing awesomeness that is this chapter.
More backstory!
mmm... nahhhhhh
"I AM MOST PLEASED TO SEE YOU SUCEEDED IN YOUR MISSION," he thundered, "MY NAME IS COMMANDER STEROID ABUSER. I HAVE BEEN RUNNING THE KNIGHTS OF MAN SINCE THE DEATH OF COMMANDER BULLSEYE, AND HOLDING SECOPOLIS AGAINST THE REBEL INSURGENTS."
Steroid Abuser... seems legit. I bet he works out like everyday and doesn't use steroids.
"Sorry L.S. my nigga. Bitches just all be like, 'baby, I want you now', and I be all like 'fo sure, fo sure', and den they be all 'let's take it outside', and I'm like 'I'm DOWN for a good time'. 'Cause Thug Lyfe don't mind the kinky shit. Ya know? Ya know what I'm saying dawg?"
"Yeah, for real. I know that shit bro," Second said like the forty five year old white southerner he was.
And all the while, Silver was still struggling to explain things.
"Sir, he-!"
"Bitch, shut yo whore mouth! You wanna be Thug Lyfe's bitch, you play by Thug Lyfe's rules. Ain't that right, homie?"
I sense a very odd relationship forming...
Silver and Thug Lyfe are going to be hating one another for one second, then somehow form a relationship later on in this story. I'm calling it like the pro I am.
1310295
But... I wanted to see Silver X Lord Second shipping... They're just so perfect for each other, in ways I have yet to actually discover...
The spiders are still here? (runs away (again!))
"OH YEAH!" Silver shouted at the fallen zebra, "You were all smug before, weren't you?! Then you got kicked in your nuts!"
very nice!!
... I want to see Silver jump and do horrible, horrible things to Second.
I. Don't. Know. Why.
SilverXSecond seems... appropriate.
But, But, But Silver and Second....
1310776
Why didn't I think of that? I love that scene so much xD.
1310445
Threesome. Fixes everything.
It's not gay if it's a three-way~
Sliske finally got her own body. Been a long time coming.
Congress? In my dictatorship? It's more likely than you think.
lol poor Sliske.
97013 I had ponies with regular names once, but people complained that they were too regular
1312307 necrophilia?
I am glad that I think it is my fault for the fast update
So much win in such a small package.
As always love the parts with Silver and only WISH i could have actually seen the dance.
Not even gonna try to pronounce Qramstarflokrinhir...
And I love the spiders accent/way of speaking.
Can't wait for the next full sized update.
Oh god that was fucking funny
ths chapter is fucking hilarous as always
I hope you take peer pressure seriously, so I too will say it: SilverXSecond.
Make it happen.
1313527 I see it as an abusive relationship. Just because she has a crush, doesn't mean it's totally justified.
I hate Thug Lyfe. He's treating best pony like she's his little bitch. I don't like it when people treat best pony like she's their little bitch.
1289102
1310776
Congratulations, you both won your respective chapter's Spot the Reference games!
1312307
1312754
I believe the formal term is "horsefuckery".
1312872
The 'Q' is silent, and the rest is pronounced basically how you'd think it'd be.
1314991
Someone's enthusiastic...
1315115
Well we're not done with the bitch-ness just quite yet.
1314540
You're taking "Human" seriously, or what?
1315237 Eh? No, I just see the reason why the author won't pair them other than the fact that it totally won't work. You like replying to people, don't you?
This story just keeps getting more and more bizarre...
And Legionnaire Arcelio is now best pony.
Thanks to Cartoon Network I see Every Spider in the Legion as Slightly different versions of Jeff from Billy and Mandy. Arcelio being the Spider that Looks the Most ,to Exactly like Jeff.
1318679
Kinda, sorta, maybe. It's the inspiration for the title, but the chapter doesn't really have anything to do with it. It's just saying that there are thirteen members of the Brotherhood of Man, and they're all really pissed off.
1315261
Of course that wouldn't work, and it would be considered funny by a majority of readers. Yes, I like replying to comments, because I like sharing opinions and viewpoints.
Hey us humans aren't so bad.
1318977
I want to put up a disclaimer here saying that I don't speak through my characters. If a character expresses an opinion, it doesn't necessarily mean that I agree with it.
1318989
okay
1318977
1318989
Danny... it finally happened!
Someone was slightly offended at your story!
IT TOOK SO LONG
1319256
Oh God, you're right!
It's even better than I thought it would be!
1319262
1319271
Oh you!
1319271
here is another video
When I opened up this chapter, all of the Youtube videos here as of typing this started playing without warning. I thought that DannyJ had finally done it, I thought he sent me crazy through reading this fic and I had started hearing voices.
I was sadly disappointed when that wasn't the case.
1319981
Played all three videos at once to simulate your experience. Some people have all the fun.
1320008
I guess I'm just lucky.
Seriously though, I expect a case of the crazies next chapter.
1320031
Well, let me have a look at my schedule here and see if we've got anything insane planned...
...Hmmm...Not much actually. Second jumps out of a helicopter to skydive-punch the president in the face, but that's about it. Looks like it's mostly character development and Spider Legion backstory next chapter. Sorry.
1320056
As long as it's a good read and well executed, I'll read it anyway. I (and many others) have read this far, so why should I (and everyone else) stop?
I feel so bad for Silver Vein
1318017
I see him as a mix of Jeff and that little kid-bot thing from futurama.
You know the one right? Victorian era speech....
Hey, I was listening to This and I though of Second singing at a royal dinner party.
Also on an unrelated note, I just come out of the brony closet to one of my friends, and I had a blast describing this story to him as I read it.
1339737
There is no song that does not become hilarious when you imagine Second singing it while doing stupid shit. Voltaire songs are especially good for this. Observe:
Also, how the fuck do you even explain a story like this to someone who doesn't even know ponies? This is hard enough for me to summarise to people who actually know the source material.
1339875 Oh, he's a brony, but he doesn't know about fan fiction. So of course I introduced him to it with this! Gave him an excerpt from the, Commander Steroids Abuser, part.
Oh, and I can so see Second just dancing around Celestia singing that while violating her personal space.