Chapter 14: Pay Evil Unto Evil
"Howie, don't touch that."
"Why not?"
"Because it's a fire. It hurts when you touch it."
"Does it hurt a lot?"
"Yes! Of course it hurts a lot!"
"...Like that time when I got my fingers caught in the door?"
"Far worse than that...No! Howie don't-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
"Oh shit! Fuck! Howie, I told you not to- Ah! Jesus! Look at that...Oh my God, dad is going to kill me! I TOLD YOU not to touch the fire!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Alright...Calm down! Stop crying! Fuck! Let's get into the kitchen and put your hand under some water and stop the burning...I think there's a first aid box around somewhere...I can probably get some soothing cream or a bandage or something...Whatever the fuck you use to treat burns...I don't know..."
"IT HURTS!"
"Yeah, I know it hurts, you little idiot! I told you it would hurt, but you still did it anyway!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"Alright, I'm sorry, just please shush for a moment and put your hand under the tap here..."
Screams subsided, and gave way to quiet sobbing.
"See, this is why you should always listen to me. Can you remember that in future Howie?"
The crying child nodded several times between wiping away tears.
"Always listen to the people in charge, because they know what they're actually talking about, and they know what's best. That's why you listen to your elders, and that's why you listen to your big bro."
"...I-I-I'm s-sorry..."
***
Lord Second, ruling Emperor of the New Human Empire, worshipped as a God by a secret society for over a thousand years, hailed by some as a hero and others as the ultimate evil, the man who threatened to bring the apocalypse down upon Equestria, promising an army of dead to march across the land and consume all in their path, who claimed that his words alone held the power to destroy nations, and whom had brought down Princess Celestia herself, staggered out into the street outside his palace, fell on his knees and puked into the gutter.
"Ugh..."
The human stared down into the drain at the strangely coloured liquid he had brought up. It was glowing.
"I'm never drinking again..." he swore.
He collapsed on the sidewalk and turned over onto his back, staring up at the cloudless blue sky.
"Fucking Equestria...I hate this place...I hate everything about this place...I fucking hate that my bodily fluids glow for no reason, I fucking hate that I don't have any skin, I fucking miss my fucking moustache, and I fucking miss shaving in the morning and having a shower in the evening and going to bed with my wife at night and seeing Anthony off to school and kicking his ass when he wouldn't get out of bed, and karaoke night on a wednesday...Fuck...I even miss that tramp who lived in the alley behind the coffee place..."
A familiar pegasus mare stepped into view. It was that knight he had encountered previously, the one who he talked to about Appleloosa. She looked down at him in concern, her head partially obscuring the sun and casting a shadow over Second's vision.
"Are you alright, my Lord?" she asked.
"No I'm fucking not..." the human replied, "I drank way too much last night after my mind decided to betray me, and I never got any sleep. I shouldn't be surprised. I haven't slept in a thousand years now, unless you count brief spells of unconsciousness, but I would have thought it'd come eventually..."
"Can I help in any way?" she asked.
"No. You cannot. Believe me, there is nothing that you can do for me that I am not perfectly capable of doing myself, and trust me when I say that none of them would make me feel better. Other than suicide that is, but that's assuming I can even die in the first place, and the Pantheon wouldn't want that, because then they wouldn't have a puppet to torment!"
"Are you sure? Maybe you'd like a drink of water or something?"
"Oh, go away you goddamn construct! Fucking mortals, honestly!"
Second rolled over onto his side again and was sick again. Against his will, he felt himself being dragged up from the pavement by the knight and tossed onto her back, where he laid limply.
"You are not well," she said, "I'm taking you to go see Dr. Apocalypse right away."
Second didn't even bother to question it. He sighed and resigned himself to whatever fate the narrative had in mind for him. Wherever this subplot was going, he didn't care. And the best part of all, was that sleep finally came. The slight bobbing up and down every time the knight stepped forward lulled him into a relaxed state, and as he closed his eyes, he drifted off into an uncomfortable, but nonetheless welcome sleep. Finally, Lord Second could dream.
And he had nightmares.
***
Princess Luna had come out to greet the returning heroes personally. While not normally awake in the daylight hours, her entire normal daily schedule had already been completely messed up, so her sleeping patterns changing around was nothing too unexpected. And it didn't seem to be affecting her ability to raise the sun and moon, so it obviously didn't matter much.
Chain Mail lead the group into the palace, being the only one of them with any kind of authority that the royal guards recognised. Most of them drew their weapons and watched warily when they recognised the telltale signs of Sliske's possession on Mystic Chant. Spike waited behind them patiently, unable to come inside the palace until the ponies got out of the way to allow him through.
Rather than meeting in the throne room or somewhere more formal, Luna had come outside and was waiting at the top of the steps leading up to the entrance. By her side was a colossal hulk of a minotaur, twice the size of the princess herself with hands that could have crushed a pony's skull like a grapefruit. He glared at them with barely disguised contempt.
Luna smiled at them as they approached. She didn't exactly look happy, but she seemed less miserable than when they had left Canterlot, even if a tad tired. Chain Mail gave a salute and everypony else bowed in respect, except for Sliske because he was being obnoxious right now.
"You may rise."
The ponies all did so. The princess addressed Chain Mail directly.
"Captain," she said, "How did your mission go? Did you establish peace with Second and the Americans?"
"Nope," he replied, trying to keep an even tone.
Luna frowned.
"Well, then what of our prisoners?"
"Escaped."
"Where is Private Broad Sword?"
"Dead."
"...Arcane Arts?"
"Also dead."
Now the poor pony just looked depressed.
"...Is there anything else I should know?"
"Second created a fully populated city bigger than Canterlot, and we're technically considered terrorists there. Also I'm a cyberpony now, and most of my organs are failing. I don't think it'll kill me, but it's damn itchy."
Well, that seemed to break her spirit. Luna's head drooped and she sighed sadly.
"I see."
The other ponies looked to each other in concern. Soft Spoken decided to voice what was on their minds.
"Your majesty?" he said, "We were all wondering...Since Broad Sword was an Element, and he's now dead...Will the Elements of Harmony themselves still work for us?"
Luna looked up at the sky.
"There are still six of you," she replied, "I was under the impression that you were all needed to operate them, but I could have been mistaken. We'd have to experiment with it first..."
"So what now?" asked Gold Coin, "What are we supposed to do next?"
"Hmm? Nothing. We can't do anything until Second makes his move. Blueblood has been diligently putting up more defences around Canterlot to protect it from attack, and we're currently searching for trustworthy and sufficiently powerful unicorns to put up a shield around the city, but other than that, there's not much we can do. We've been working overtime clearing up and repairing the royal archives, and the Elements of Harmony have been retrieved for you. We will give you some more thorough training in their use later on, if you're still willing."
"We may as well," said Gold Coin, "We've come this far, so why not finish the job?"
The others all murmured in passive agreement.
"Well, I won't keep you any longer," Luna said reluctantly as she turned and left, "Please, feel free to go about your business. Explore Canterlot for a while. See the sights. Get in some relaxation before you're needed again. Just be back in the palace by this evening. You'll all be provided rooms here for tonight."
The princess of the night disappeared back into the palace, followed by the angry looking minotaur, who everypony else was giving a wide berth. The guards and the Elements moved aside some more to make way for Spike, who crawled through the front door and followed the princess inside. Once they were alone again, Chain Mail immediately turned around and addressed Sliske.
"Sliske. You went to Broad Sword's house once, didn't you?"
"Yesssss. I did."
"Can you show me where it is?"
"Of courssssse."
"Why are you going to Broad Sword's house?" asked Gold Coin.
"He lived with his mother. Somepony has to tell the family. It might as well be me."
"Hey, if you're going, I'm coming too."
"Me too," Softy agreed.
"And don't leave me out either," Explodey added.
Chain Mail nodded appreciatively. Sliske turned and took the lead, and the group set off back down into the streets of Canterlot.
***
Ancient Tome knocked on the door to Sun Rise's room hesitantly. The racing pegasus had not emerged from that room since they arrived at Fort First, and he was beginning to get concerned. He wasn't exactly friends with him, but given that the Brotherhood of Man had almost halved in number since Second was released, he needed to keep a closer eye on its individual members. The last thing he needed was one of his ponies getting killed or going rogue.
Hell, he still had no idea what had happened to his auntie. Theoretically, she should have been among the prisoners that the Mages' Guild freed. Then again, last he saw her she was acting as a host for Sliske, and last he had seen Sliske he was using his son instead. Presumably she was free, but when he asked Lord Second about what had happened to her, he said they hadn't any clue where she went.
And that was another thing he had to worry about. His son was now playing host to some alien monstrosity and being corralled from place to place by the new Elements of Harmony, including that backstabber, Gold Coin. Did Sliske have some kind of grudge against his family or something?
He still regretted his knee-jerk reaction to that betrayal. If he had shot Gold Coin in front of his son, he probably never would have forgiven himself, but he also knew that Mystic still hadn't forgiven him anyway. And what's more, Gold Coin was still entirely unrepentant for destroying his life, betraying their order and kidnapping his only child.
Tome wondered about Gold Coin. If he encountered him again, could he actually kill him this time? He wanted to. True, he would have felt bad if he had shot Gold Coin back in the field, but that was only because that was something his son did not need to see. The actual act of killing him though, he didn't really see any problem with. After everything the business pony had done to ruin things for him, he would have no problem blasting his head off like Second did to Celestia.
All these thoughts took Ancient Tome several minutes to process, and after returning to reality, he realised how long he had been waiting for somepony to answer the door. He slammed it again, louder this time.
"Sun Rise!" he shouted, "I know you're in there! Answer the door!"
No response. Ancient Tome's horn glowed, and a field of magical energy covered the door and pushed against it. The door flung open with a crack as they broke the multiple locks holding it closed, and the old unicorn found the room dark inside. He stepped in and closed the door behind him. There was no light, so he used his horn to light the way and look around. He soon discovered the curtains and tore them open to let in some natural light, which only revealed the disgusting state of the room.
All the furniture was overturned and ripped. The miniature fridge that came with the room was hanging open, completely emptied out. Its contents spilled over the carpet, and most of it had been half eaten and then tossed away. Crushed food was abound in the room, and the carpet had a large collection of colourful stains. Worst of all though, there were real, actual rats crawling through some of the piles of discarded food.
"Oh Tomey..."
The old unicorn turned around just in time to dodge a shovel that slammed into the carpeted floor, sliced through it, and actually smashed through the wood underneath. A messy orange pegasus pony held onto the handle with his jaw, and looked angrily at his visitor through one organic eye and one burning red light.
He was a mess. The previously shiny chrome parts that had covered his back legs, right fore hoof and parts of his chest were now all dulled and grey, as if they had been ripped off and replaced with identical parts made of old iron. His artificial skeletal wing was bent horribly out of shape and the leathery material that covered it was ripped. His mane and tail were tangled and knotted, and both full of crumbs, and his natural coat was also dirty and seemingly covered with grease or oil.
What the hell had happened to him?
"...From now on...stay the fuck out of my room..." he said quietly.
"Sun Rise? Are you alright?" Ancient Tome asked in concern.
"Of course I am. I'm fine! Are YOU alright?!"
"Uhhh...Yes?"
"'CAUSE I DON'T THINK YOU ARE!" he screamed, "I THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM! SOME KIND OF MENTAL DISORDER THAT MAKES YOU BREAK INTO OTHER PONIES' ROOMS WITHOUT PERMISSION! BUT DON'T WORRY! I GOT YOUR CURE RIGHT HERE!"
He yanked the shovel out of the hole he had smashed through his floor and prepared to either stab Tome with it or launch it at him like a javelin. Either way, the unicorn caught both it and him in his magical field before he could try anything stupid.
"...Okay..." Tome said slowly, "...Clearly you're not alright. We need to get you to one of those unicorn doctors and see if they can perform some maintenance on you. I think all those cybernetics are leaking oil into your brain or something...Or at least that's the only explanation I can think of..."
Sun Rise struggled to escape the magical field.
"LET ME GO! LET ME GO NOW! GET ME OUT OF THIS OR I SWEAR I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU!"
"Then again, I'm not saying that demonic possession isn't a possibility..."
***
The old green mare shuffled over to the other counter and picked up the kettle in her teeth. She began to pour tea into a number of fragile flower-patterned cups, which she placed on tiny little saucers and added to a tray filled with a number of other identical cups, these ones filled with coffee. Over by the kitchen table, her guests waited patiently.
"Thank you, Mrs. Sword," said Soft Spoken as she put the tray on the table.
The old pegasus smiled weakly.
"It's Mrs. Smith, actually," she replied, "Sword Smith. I used to work a forge."
Soft Spoken and Explodey both took a tea from the tray, while the captain, Gold Coin and little Mystic all helped themselves to one of the coffees. Sliske had disappeared again once he was done reintroducing himself, and had not yet returned.
"...Mrs. Smith," Chain Mail began, "I want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened to your son. And I'm not just saying that because I have to. I really mean it. I liked Broad Sword. He was a loyal friend, and I owed him more than I could have ever repaid. I know how you must feel to have lost somepony so dear."
Mrs. Smith sighed and leaned on the table, looking up at the ceiling forlornly.
"Swordy always was a good boy," she said quietly, "Always came home on time. Never got into fights like his brothers. He made a real effort with his studies and I was so proud of him the day he told me he was applying to be a royal guard...After all the trouble we had when he was first born, he just seemed to handle everything so well..."
"...There was trouble?" asked Gold Coin.
Soft Spoken shot a look at the business pony, silently scolding him for prying, but Mrs. Smith seemed happy enough to tell the story.
"Well...Swordy was the only earth pony of the family. His father was a doctor from around here, while I lived up in Cloudsdale for the longest time. Both of us being pegasi, we moved up there when we were together, and our first two kids were too. Then Swordy came along, and by chance, thanks to some distant ancestry of my husband's, we suddenly had an earth pony foal to take care of. As you can imagine, a city made of clouds is not the most ideal place for that."
"Didn't you have unicorns to perform a cloud walking spell?" asked Softy.
"Well, of course we did. But it wasn't the most convenient thing in the world, having to go see somepony every three days to make sure your son wouldn't fall through the floor. And that still didn't solve the problem of all those sheer drops and holes in the cloud layer where a flightless foal could fall through. He couldn't have lived life in Cloudsdale. So we moved back down here nearer to my husband's family. It can't have been easy for him. The whole family being able to fly other than him. I think he felt left out, the poor dear."
So much of my life would have been easier if I was a pegasus like dad. I bet I wouldn't be afraid of heights if I could fly.
Mrs. Smith smiled as she remembered happier times.
"Oh, but he did try ever so hard to make up for it...Played for all the sports teams he could sign up for...You should have seen him when he was trying to earn his cutie mark. He spent hours at a time over at Crusaders with the other foals..."
The old mare sighed again and leaned back in her chair, staring up at the ceiling as she occasionally sipped her coffee. The other ponies had nothing else to say, and so the room remained in silence for several minutes. Mrs. Smith seemed sadly resigned, as if she had expected something like this might one day happen, rare as it was that a royal guard actually died in the line of duty.
Then again, thanks to the Brotherhood of Man, several had. Mrs. Smith was not the only grieving mother in Canterlot right now. Those other guards that had been stabbed to death or burned to ash all had family and friends mourning them too.
A grim thought crossed Captain Chain Mail's mind as he realised that the last time Mrs. Smith had seen her son was before the Brotherhood's initial attack. The attack had been in all the papers the next day, and had mentioned that several guards stationed at the palace had died, but so soon after it had lacked all the details, like the names of the dead. And since he had been arrested, Broad Sword hadn't returned home the day after the attack...
That explained why she seemed to accept the bad news so quickly. She already thought her son was dead. All they had done was inform her that he died in different circumstances.
***
"...So when is the funeral?"
Spike crawled through the corridor on all fours to avoid hitting his head on the ceiling. It was annoying, but necessary to get through the palace. The guards all stood as far to the side as possible to clear a path for him, and most of them saluted as he passed. Princess Luna and the strange minotaur kept ahead of him and led him through the palace towards the throne room.
"It's rather short notice, but we're doing it tomorrow," Luna replied, "With Second's attack occurring in only three days, and the very real possibility that Canterlot may sustain heavy damage during the attack, I want to get formalities out of the way as quickly as possible."
"Understandable," said Spike, "...So, who's coming?"
"I extended invitations to most of the nobles," Luna explained, "I expect that they'll all be there, if only to keep up appearances, though since most of them are relatives of ours, I'm sure that we'll have some genuine grievers. Blueblood and Cadance will definitely be there."
"Of course."
"A few invites have been sent out to a number of politicians and business ponies who she knew. A few foreign ambassadors, I think the griffin royal family will be in attendance, no reply back from Atlantis yet, but I doubt their chancellor would dare risk offending us by not showing up. As for the other races of Equestria, I really couldn't call. Though, I doubt that diamond dogs' leader will show up. He and 'Tia never got on well."
The three of them turned a corner and walked ahead towards the entrance hall that led into the throne room, Spike ducking down low to avoid the ceiling, which crept ever closer to the floor.
"...Is that all? What about...him?"
Luna looked back at him.
"I have no idea," she confessed, "He can be a difficult pony to contact. I'd like to think he'll show up for something this important, but he has missed bigger events before."
She turned back and continued to trot towards the entrance hall.
"I'm sure he doesn't do it on purpose."
"Oh, I don't believe he does. I never said I thought he'd deliberately miss it. I was just saying that if he didn't show up for Second's initial return, it might be hoping too much for him to show up to a funeral."
"That's true I suppose."
"Blueblood should be just through here. He's been dying to meet you properly. Those Trottingham types really respect the dragons."
"Which Blueblood is this?" Spike asked, "Blueblood the Four Hundredth? Blueblood the Eighteenth? Blueblood the Seventy Third?"
"I'm just as clueless as you. I stopped counting them centuries ago, and I think everypony else did too. I'm fairly certain it's a triple digit number, but I haven't checked or anything. I believe this Blueblood's father is aware of their numbers, but the one we're about to meet certainly isn't. Honestly, I don't think he'd even call himself prince most of the time if the title wasn't basically part of his name."
"That doesn't sound like a Blueblood to me. A lot must have changed in the past few hundred years if a Blueblood is actually humble."
"Oh, you have no idea..."
***
After almost quarter of an hour of sitting in the kitchen and slowly draining their teacups, eventually Chain Mail rose to his hooves again and indicated for the others to finish up as well.
"Come along, everypony," he said, "We'd best be off now. We can't stay here all day."
"Of course," Mrs. Smith agreed, "Don't let me keep you. Thank you all for coming to tell me in person. It means a lot to me. And tell that to Dr. Fluttershy when he comes back as well."
A ghost of a smile crossed Mystic Chant's face.
The five ponies all made their way back out to the front door and one by one marched outside. Just at the end of the front garden were skid marks on the road leading up to where Second had parked his car three days ago. In the back of Mystic's mind, Sliske wondered how exactly it was that Second tracked him to Broad Sword's house in the first place.
As the green pegasus stepped out into the garden to wave goodbye, Chain Mail suddenly remembered something and slapped his own face. He trotted back over to their host and drew a well-crafted sword from an additional scabbard he had attached to the outside of the Vader One. He presented it to her.
"This was Broad Sword's," he explained as he laid it in front of her, "It was all we could recover before...it...happened. I thought you should have it."
Mrs. Smith smiled at him and looked down at it. She picked it up and balanced it on one of her fore hooves so she could inspect it more closely.
"Heh...He was still using this old thing..." she muttered.
"...Did it mean a lot to him?" asked the captain.
The rest of the group had walked back over and gathered around now.
"It was his favourite. Given to him the day he enrolled in the royal guard. Present from Skies."
"Who's Skies?" asked Explodey.
"His ex. Colt from up in Cloudsdale. They didn't work out."
Explodey blinked in surprise.
"A colt?" he repeated, "Broad Sword was gay?"
"Yeah," Mrs. Smith replied, still distracted by the sword itself, "He didn't want anypony to know, but he was never really good at keeping secrets, bless him."
The unicorn took a moment to process that information. Then, a few occasions from the last few days played back in his head. He looked at his friend's actions and reactions, and suddenly those events were cast in a whole new light. Explodey just looked away from the others and stared into the distance absently.
"Oh, Swordy...Why didn't you ever say anything?"
***
Howard wandered through a dark corridor. There were rooms either side of him, all with locked doors. Shadows obscured most of the corridor, and the only light came from candles mounted on the walls. At the end of the corridor stood a human dressed in black, grinning at him from under a low tipped Stetson.
"Who are you?!" Howard shouted down the corridor.
The man opened a door and walked inside. Howard ran after him, but stopped when he realised one of the doors next to him was slightly ajar. He looked over to the door at the end of the corridor which the man in black had disappeared into. He really should have gone after him, but curiosity got the best of him, and the human pushed the closer door open and stepped inside.
He stared in wonder as he entered the room. It was a hallway. A massive ancient hallway, like an old English church, or what the Palace of Kings had been designed to look like. The walls all held mirrors, or portals, or gateways. What they were was not clear. All that could be seen through them was a swirling misty void.
Howard walked over to one of them and looked inside. He saw Celestia walk by, not seeming to notice him. She was in the void on the other side, and was looking around curiously. She turned, and saw him. For a moment, they stared at each other. Then she charged a spell. The human tried to grab the Reaper's Horn, but realised he didn't have it with him.
The fireball impacted with the mirror surface. For a moment, the portal went orange. Then it was back to showing the mist, and there was no Celestia on the other side.
Howard backed away from that particular mirror and went over to examine another. He peered inside, and Spike's giant green eye suddenly flashed into existence. The human jumped back in surprise, and the dragon on the other side flew away and vanished.
He turned around, and immediately ran over to another mirror on the other side of the room. On the other side, he saw Anthony. His back was turned for a moment, but then he looked over his shoulder and saw him. He faced his father.
"What have you done?" he asked darkly, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"
Howard tried to reach out to him, but then looked at his hand as it turned red before his eyes, leaving the burned flesh he now had instead of skin. He noticed his clothes were different. He was in the navy blue duster again. He reached down to his side, and found that he had the Reaper's Horn once more. He stared at it for a moment, but then suddenly he lost half his vision. His eyeball fell out, and he caught it in his right hand, which he noticed now sported a bit of exposed bone on one finger and a mass of melted gold covering most of one of his knuckles.
He looked up at Anthony again.
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! IT WAS THE PANTHEON!" he shouted, "THEY DID THIS! IT WAS THEM! THE STRINGS ARE EVERYWHERE!"
Then he realised that there were indeed strings all over the room. They formed a huge web all around him that he had somehow not noticed before. Worst of all, there were strings attached to his legs and feet. Anthony disappeared into the aethers again, and the strings pulled his limbs in different directions. The human was suspended in the air above the mirror room.
The man in black floated up in front of him, and glared at him evilly. He had teeth just like Sliske, which gave him an almost predatory look. Seeing him up close and in slightly better light, Howard could see that the man in black was wearing a duster just like his own, aside from the colour. The newcomer reached forward and grabbed his victim by the cheek, pulling him and forcing him to look directly into his eyes.
"For shame, Second...Blaming all your troubles on invisible strings. Don't pretend this is not your fault. You're a murderer, and if you say you're not, then you're lying to yourself."
He took off his hat and placed it on his captive's head.
"This was all your idea. Don't try to bring your old rivals into this..."
Second spat in his captor's face.
"Fuck you, Nathan."
His saliva sizzled on contact with the man's face, and he laughed arrogantly.
"Spoken like an Elder God, that's for sure. You think I'm Nathan? You think Nathan's even responsible? Even alive by your time? You listening to your hallucinations again? Do you think the Pantheon is your worst enemy? Are you entertaining fantasies of coming up here and getting us back for it? Don't you find that a little at odds with what you actually believe happened to you?"
He looked into the human's remaining eye.
"Do you even know why you're in Equestria in the first place?"
Second gulped.
The floating man exploded into smoke, and everything went dark. The strings snapped, and Second fell to the ground in a heap. Echoing laughter filled the chambers, and all the mirrors shattered at once, spraying glass everywhere.
The human climbed to his feet again, coughing loudly and trying to keep his balance. He looked ahead and saw one mirror remaining. He walked over to it.
At first, it was misty on the other side, just like before, but as he approached it, the mist turned to smoke, and he could see flickers of orange behind it. He stopped just in front of the mirror. A face appeared in the darkness. It was the face of what could only be a demon, like the old classical paintings portrayed them. It had ram's horns and was red all over, dirty in places, like it had just crawled out of a coal mine, and there were bits of flesh missing from its neck and cheek, which allowed him to see through into its mouth. The lips were burned away, exposing his yellow teeth and black gums, and his eyes were just two dark orbs, with a faint yellow light in their darkest depths.
The beast roared at him. Unlike with the previous mirrors, Second did not back up or run away. He stood still, face to face with the demon. It glared at him. He stepped forward and place a hand up to the mirror. It was stopped by some invisible wall. He leaned in, so that he was looking directly into the dark pits of the demon's eyes.
"Hello there..." Second said quietly, "You seem awfully familiar...Have we met?"
The ground shook. There was the sound of an explosion behind Second. His single remaining eye widened in fear, and the demon gave him a discomforting smile. Everything became warmer, and brighter. Second screamed as fire consumed him again. The demon began to laugh at him mockingly. And as he watched his own arms burn away until there was nothing left but his bones, he realised that something was different.
The fire was rainbow coloured.
Second woke up.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"My Lord! You're awake! What-"
Second jumped forward and punched the doctor in the face.
"STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT WHAT'S BEST! YOU ARE A FUCKING LIAR!"
He grabbed a nearby wooden chair and brought it down on the nameless unicorn doctor, smashing it over his head and causing him to fall unconscious. The knights around the room stepped back in fear, and the doctors all went running. Second turned around and put a fist through the window above his bed, shattering it completely. Before anyone could even ask what the hell was wrong with him, the human jumped out through the window and disappeared from view.
***
The bartender raised an eyebrow when he saw a young colt no older than nine sitting on a barstool along with the other four ponies. Surely they weren't expecting him to serve a child? There were laws against that, right? Yet, they were all looking at him as if he was being rude by not asking him what he wanted too. Who were these ponies? Why weren't they being responsible adults? In fact, wasn't that stallion the new captain of the royal guard?
He fully expected that this was some kind of sting operation. He'd probably get arrested the moment he gave that colt a drink. Still, he hadn't actually asked anything yet. Probably because those huge fake teeth of his were making it difficult to talk. Still, the way the colt was looking at him was unnerving.
"Are you going to assssssssk me what I want or not?" said the colt.
What was the deal with this kid?
"Look here, sonny-"
The bar pony suddenly choked as a blue magical field appeared around his neck.
"If you sssay what I think you're going to ssssssay, I will crawl insssssside your head and keep breaking thingsssss until you think you're a giant octopusssss named Leonard."
The barkeep looked in desperation over to the captain. Chain Mail just shrugged.
"...Wouldn't...dream of it..." he gasped.
Sliske released the pony.
"Ssssame assss the otherssssss."
The barkeep walked off to go get a glass for his strange new customer. Sliske settled down again, but Soft Spoken just looked at him in concern.
"I didn't know aliens drank," he commented.
"Of coursssssse we do. We take over all functionssssss of a body, sssssso we have all the requirementsssss of that body. Food, sssssleep, everything. My sssspeciesssss even reproduccccesss ussssing our hosssst bodiesss."
"No kidding?" said Gold Coin.
"No, I knew you needed to drink. I just didn't think an alien would be into alcohol," Softy clarified.
"Normally, we would not. However, I've taken enough pony hosssstssss in my time to get attached to ssssome of your creationssss. Magic issss another of my favouritessss. We had magic back on Zarlow asssss well, but it wasssssn't nearly sssso refined."
"What was that you said about reproducing through your hosts?" asked Gold Coin again, "How does that work exactly?"
"It'sssss not that complex. Two Ssssakrassssssi meet in the wild-"
"Sakrassi?" Chain Mail repeated.
"-That issssss my ssssspeciesssss' name. It'sssss Zarlan for Pessssssstilencccce."
"That's a stupid name."
"Deal with it, mortal. Asssssss I wassss sssssaying, we reproduccccce through the ussssssse of hosssstssss. The teeth and eyesssss that our hossssstsssss gain when we usssse them allow ussss to identify each other, and in the breeding ssssseassson we are able to channel magical energy through the mutated featuressssss to create infant Ssssssakrassssssi, which usssssually ressssssultssssss in the death of at leasssssst one of the parentssssss. Fortunately, Ssssssssakrasssssi are born in batchessss of nine or ten, sssso our numbersssss never ssssuffer from thisssss."
"Did that happen with you? One of your parents dying I mean?" asked Gold Coin.
"Here'sssssss a better quesssssstion, do you remember what the room temperature wasss at the time you were born?"
"Uhhh...No?"
"Of courssssse not. Becaussssse how are you ssssupposssssed to remember that? Now you have an idea of exactly how sssssstupid that quessstion sssoundsss to me."
"You're joking, right?" asked Softy, "You honestly don't even remember if either of your parents died?"
"Being a parent meansssssssss an entirely different thing on Zarlow. They don't ssssstick around to raisssssse their ssssspawn. They create ussssss and leave. If they're feeling particularly generousssssss, they might catch sssssssome sssssssmall animalsssssss to give to usssss asssss hossssstssss. If they're feeling particularly cruel, they'll give ssssssome of ussssss bugssss and ssssssssome of usssssss birdsssssss and watch asssss the newborn Ssssssakrasssssi eat their ssssiblingsss."
The rest of the group just stared at him.
"Your species is a special kind of fucked up," said Gold Coin.
It was then that Sliske realised the barkeep had been standing right in front of him levitating a beer glass for the past five minutes, just listening to them talk. Upon noticing this, the alien used his own magic to take the drink off him.
"Thanksssss."
The barkeep slinked off again.
"Explodey, you haven't said anything in a while," Chain Mail pointed out, "What's your take on this?"
The unicorn looked down at his drink.
"...I have to go."
"What? Go where?"
Explodey didn't answer. He just got up and walked out of the bar, leaving his drink behind. Now everypony was staring at the door instead of Sliske.
"...Well that was rather abrupt," said Softy, "Did we do something to offend him?"
"Explodey's a little weird," Chain Mail replied, "Sometimes he can get over a tragedy by remembering to laugh, but sometimes the smallest things will set him off into a downward spiral. He didn't start crying when he discovered his whole life was a lie, or when Broad Sword was murdered in front of him, but I'm told he bawled like a baby when he showed up in Celestia's court to perform a demolition job for her and she told him he wasn't needed. I sometimes wonder what it's like in his head..."
Sliske shuddered at the thought.
***
On the highest level of the Cathedral, a lone human laid back on one of the platforms circling one of the spires. It was a little stone walkway, just big enough for him to sit on without falling off. His legs dangled over the side and he leaned back against the spire wearily. In his right hand, he clung onto a SEC. Mk. III, which he swung back and forth idly. Every once in a while, he'd bring the rifle up to eye level and look through the scope, and take a few shots at ponies out in the city.
The tranquiliser dart hit some beauracrat over in the finance district. Second smiled for a moment and scratched another notch onto a tally he had made on the spire behind him. He looked back through the scope again as some other civilians gathered around his last victim's unconscious body and looked around them in fear. He hit a mare in a smart business suit right between the eyes, and she quickly fell down in a heap too.
"Head shot," Second said to himself.
He raised the rifle again and looked across the city, searching for a better target. He wondered if he could find any of the Brotherhood of Man from up here. He had decided since he started this game that they were worth bonus points. He was interrupted in the middle of this thought when a giant pair of eyes appeared in his vision.
"AAAAAAH!"
He almost fell off the platform in surprise. He dropped his rifle, which fell down to a lower part of the roof. He reached out and grabbed for it helplessly, but could only flail about in protest as he lost yet another gun. He sighed in acceptance, and turned his attention to the pony who had interrupted him. By chance, it was that same mare who kept showing up recently.
"What now?" he asked.
"I was told to come and see if you were alright, my Lord," she explained.
"Of course I'm alright. I was having great fun until you just interrupted me. Go get my sniper back."
The knight saluted dutifully and fluttered down to go get it. Second turned around to pull his whole body back onto the stone platform and laid back on it, putting his hands behind his head like he was sunbathing. The mare soon returned with the SEC Mk. III, which she laid down next to him.
"Thanks," the human said begrudgingly.
"Why did you attack the doctor when you woke up?" she asked, continuing to hover next to him.
"Because I thought he was going to stab me."
"Why would he do that?"
"Because he's a pony."
Second stared up at the sky and ignored his visitor a while. Eventually, the knight got tired of hovering in place and landed on the stone platform with him.
"Did you have bad dreams or something?"
"I don't see what business it is of yours. Who the hell are you, trying to talk to me? Have you forgotten that I am Lord Second, and that you are supposed to be my subordinate who obeys my every order without question and does not interfere with my business? Because what you've been doing so far violates those regulations. I'm not happy about this arrangement."
"You created the Knights of Man to act within your best interests," the mare replied, "That was one of the fundamental aspects of our design. What I'm doing by badgering you about these minor details is nothing short of my purpose in life."
The human muttered something under his breath that sounded like "fucking ponies..."
"So what are you doing now then? Do you just plan to stay up here shooting ponies for the rest of the day?"
"I'll stay up here shooting ponies until the next ice age if I want to. I like the sun. It's warmer up here and there's a surprising lack of wind. I'm just going to stay here and work on my tan for a little while, and if the sun goes away too soon then I'll just bring it back up again and extend the day for however long I want to."
The knight raised an eyebrow.
"You can do that?"
"Probably."
Still laying on his back, Second grabbed the SEC Mk. III again and aimed it out into the distance. He didn't look through the scope this time, instead just holding it out in front of him as if it were a handgun. He pulled the trigger, and in the distance he saw a pegasus in flight suddenly fall down above the park.
"Woah," he said, "No-scoped. That's worth three points at once."
Getting back into the game again, the human sat up and crossed his legs. His back to the wall again, he looked through the scope once more and searched out his next target.
"Really though, what happened back there?" his visitor pressed, "Whatever it was, it was really bad. You seemed afraid of something."
Second looked sideways at the knight. She was beginning to annoy him.
"I'm Lord Second. I fear nothing."
"Really? Absolutely nothing?" the knight asked sceptically.
He turned his attention back to the city. Another tranquiliser knocked out a pony handing out pamphlets outside of the aquarium.
"All the things I ever feared already came true. There's nothing left for me to be scared of."
"You sure seemed scared of something back there," the mare said sympathetically, "Come on. Tell me what is was? Please?"
The human sighed and put down his weapon.
"Out of everything in this world, I'm not really scared of anything anymore. Except for one thing."
He turned to look at her.
"Ever since I was a little boy, I have always been completely, utterly terrified of fire."
He held up one of his burnt hands.
"So as you can imagine, I've not been having the best time in Equestria."
He looked back out across the city. In the distance, he could still see the ruined remains of the Mages' Guild, now just a mass of black stuff in the middle of a large patch of grass.
"You, what's your name?"
"It's-"
"Never mind. I don't care. Listen, I got a job for you."
"Yes, my Lord?"
"The SPAS-12, which you primitives like to call the Reaper's Horn, is buried under some rubble out over there. I want you to go get it back for me. It holds some sentimental value to me, and I'd rather not lose it."
"Of course, my Lord!"
As the mare flew off in the direction of the ruins of the Mages' Guild, Second laid back against the wall again and went back to looking at the sky. A little puff of smoke on his left shoulder indicated the return of one of his many hallucinations. He turned to see Ambition looking at him with a strange solemnity. On his right shoulder, another figure emerged, and Second saw his Conscience, wearing crutches.
"We know about the dream, Howard," said Conscience, "And you're in trouble right now."
"You think?" the human replied sarcastically.
"No, we're being serious," Ambition replied, "No more fucking around. You've got to straighten up and deal with this right now."
"Deal with what?"
"Elder Gods!" Conscience snapped, "Your whole life is being ran by your old co-workers up there, and they're jerking you around even now! Don't you dare listen to what that damn chimera said when he had you on the strings. You can fight the Pantheon of B. They're not all powerful. As long as you can act freely while you're off screen, you can act against them. Set up their downfall. Make your escape and find a way to bring them down to your level, or else rise to theirs."
"But how?!" Second demanded, "How am I supposed to beat them?! They're literally omnipotent!"
"You force yourself outside their view. They can't control you constantly. There will be moments where you will be off-screen. Seize those moments. Throw a spanner into the works of your own plans, contradict yourself in dialogue. Say one thing will happen, and then ensure that something completely different does. Get the other characters in on the action. And most of all, ensure that the camera stays off you. You do that, you'll fuck their story, and if you fuck their story then you fuck them."
Second rubbed his chin in contemplation.
"...Television must still have restraints..." he mused, "...So if I...Could I?"
"Have you got an idea Howard?"
"...I do, but I'm hesitant to act on it. Actually, I have a few ideas, some better than others. I think I'm going to give the most reasonable ones the first try. I've got a plan, but it'll have to wait until my defeat in Canterlot. It'll take a lot of coordination, and I'll need to do some fast talking and even faster thinking to improvise a situation where it would work, but I think it could. If it does work though, I could take down all my enemies at once. The Pantheon, the Elements, Luna, Nathan, and every single other fucker back in the human world who had a hand in this. All gone."
"That's the kind of talk I like to hear," Ambition said with a grin, "Okay then, so what have you got in mind?"
***
The remaining ponies all exited the bar together. Sliske retreated back into Mystic's mind, leaving only a slightly intoxicated child in his wake. Soft Spoken didn't drink much, but it was actually Chain Mail who was the most sober. And ironically, also in the worst condition.
"Fuck..." the captain moaned, "How could I forget I don't have a stomach anymore?"
"...Are you going to be alright?" asked Gold Coin.
"I think I'm dying."
"Of course you are. It could never be something simple, could it?"
"Goldie, this is serious," said Chain Mail, "This is incredibly pain-"
His eyes glazed over.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh...That's the stuff..."
The cyberpony began to sway back and forth, his face nothing but a dreamy and distant smile. Gold Coin waved a hoof in front of his face.
"I think we lost him," he reported.
Soft Spoken slapped his forehead.
"I suppose we should get him back up to the castle then..." he sighed.
Chain Mail sprung to life again.
"Castle? What castle? I don't want to go back to the castle. The castle is where I work. Castle bad. Work bad. I don't like work. It's boring and nothing happens all day, except when I get kidnapped and lose all my organs. That was fun! Let's do it again! Let's go paint the town! I don't even care that I don't have a stomach! I'm going to drink ALL the alcohol in this city and then piss it out again as rocket fuel!"
The captain laughed maniacally and charged off without them. Mystic, Softy and Gold Coin just stood and stared at the slowly shrinking pony in the distance. He was fast.
"We should really go and stop him," said Gold Coin.
"Yep."
"Ummm...Softy?"
Both the older ponies turned their attention to Mystic.
"I know that now might not be the best time...but Sliske says that we should stop by Crusaders while we're in Canterlot and get my cutie mark registered and interpreted, since we don't actually know what it means."
Soft Spoken groaned.
"It's one distraction after another, I swear..."
"Look, I'll go deal with Chain Mail," Gold Coin suggested, "Why don't you go take Mystic to get this done? Crusaders is only open for another few hours anyway."
"So...are we going?" asked Mystic.
"Yes, we're going," Softy replied, "We've got nothing better to do, so we might as well get this out of the way. Goldie, I'll see you back at the palace later."
"'Kay. See you then."
***
"YOUR BONES WILL SNAP, YOUR BLOOD WILL FLOW, YOUR FLESH WILL BURN, AND I WILL BE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS, TRAMPLING YOU INTO THE DUST!"
Sun Rise struggled against his restraints like a mad pony. It was frightening just how insanely angry he was at that moment. For now, he was held in place by multiple straps and harnesses, wings bound and all four legs shackled to the wall behind him in the cell in Fort First prison. It was the best Dr. Apocalypse could come up with until they could move him to the Mages' Guild's secret base under the museum.
"What is wrong with him?" asked Iron Hoof.
"I'm going to be brutally honest with you," Dr. Apocalypse said ominously, "I haven't the faintest fucking clue. If he had been given brain implants, I would have said that they were malfunctioning and causing his condition. He hasn't though. He's devolved into this state all on his own."
Frosty Morning looked through the bars of the cell door at the restrained pegasus, who thrashed about, snarling at her. She shook her head.
"Well, what can you do?" she asked, "There's got to be some way to help him?"
"Sure. A lethal injection," Apocalypse replied, deadly serious.
"You are not going to kill another of my ponies," Ancient Tome said sternly, "Not after everything we went through to keep him alive. You find a way to fix his brain right now!"
"I'm telling you, there's nothing I can do! If you want, I'll open his head up and poke around a bit, but I warn you, I'd just be bashing rocks together. I wouldn't be able to actually do anything other than stab random squishy bits until I get a reaction."
"Well then give him fucking therapy, bonesaw!" Tome shouted, "How hard can it be?! He's not got some super rare condition or anything! He's just a bit violent! This shouldn't be that difficult to solve!"
In the cell, Sun Rise began frothing at the mouth.
"I'm not a therapist!"
"No, you're a terrible fucking doctor!"
A tan coloured pegasus walked through the doorway.
"What the hell are you all shouting about in here?" asked Bullseye.
"This pony should not be allowed to have a medical license!" Tome shouted.
"I don't have a medical license. I was created with basic medical knowledge already in my head, and I just started doing the job."
"This pony should not be allowed to live, period," Tome amended.
"Tome, shut up," said Bullseye, "Doctor, what the fuck is going on in here?"
"Sun Rise went crazy, these idiots are demanding I fix him, and I have no idea what happened, so I can't."
"Then why haven't you called Lord Second in yet?"
"What could Lord Second do?" the unicorn asked.
"What can't he do?" Ancient Tome replied, "Are you implying that this problem is somehow beyond Lord Second's abilities?"
"What?! No! I meant-"
"I know what you meant. Commander Bullseye? Could you contact Lord Second for us?"
The pegasus glared at Ancient Tome, and then looked over to the writhing creature in the cell next to them that used to be Sun Rise.
"I'll see if I can find him."
***
Crusaders Inc.
Founded many years ago by a trio of ponies, the business was one based around that which foals dedicate most of their early life to; self discovery. While very often, cutie marks would just come in their own time to those who wait, many ponies don't get them until much later. Often, so called 'blank flanks' were mocked by their peers and became outcasts, and this was a social prejudice that had lasted throughout the ages.
Sure, just about everypony grew out of it quickly enough, but it was a staple of childhood that those without their cutie marks would get teased by those who did have them. And sometimes, the problem persisted past childhood. Though cases were rare, some ponies still managed to go their whole lives without discovering what made them special.
Not anymore though! This was the problem that Crusaders was there to help with. Those who had yet to discover what made them special could always rely on Crusaders to point them in the right direction. Personality and skills analysis often revealed the general field in which a given pony's destiny lied, and their massive facilities allowed young ponies to try out a range of different activities likely to lead to the discovery of a cutie mark, while also allowing them to socialise with other foals their age and make friends.
"Yes, I'm afraid we don't know what his talent is exactly," Soft Spoken explained to the receptionist, "That's why I wanted to see an interpreter too."
Given the strange circumstances of how he obtained his mark, Mystic Chant's talent was far from obvious. Since letting Crusaders know what his talent was exactly was the entire point of registering in the first place, this was a problem.
Fortunately, as a secondary service, Crusaders also had specialists who existed to help determine what existing cutie marks meant. It was not uncommon for ponies to discover that they had gained their cutie mark without realising exactly what it meant, and still being unsure of what their special talent was. Also frequent users of this service were older and disillusioned ponies who had grown bored of their job and role in life and couldn't help but wonder if there was something more to their special talent that they were missing.
"I can book you in for an appointment right now if you want? You'd have to wait for half an hour first though."
Having been a member of the Crusaders for a long time, Mystic Chant was required to return here now that he had his cutie mark at long last, and have it registered. Since most foals were members of Crusaders at some point in their lives, this meant that just about everypony in Equestria had their cutie mark and related talent listed on their records, which helped immensely when young ponies just coming of age found themselves in need of a job, or when businesses found themselves short of staff and in need of new employees.
"Yes, get us an appointment please. We're only in Canterlot for a short while, so I want to get this done today, if possible."
"Of course, sir. Please proceed to the waiting room."
***
Gold Coin poked his head through the door to the bar and looked around inside, finally spotting the captain over by the bar, trotting in place impatiently while waiting for a drink. The place was not dissimilar to the bar they had left before, except this place also doubled as a restaurant. It was more brightly lit and had a very diverse patronage. Over in one corner, a few ponies with gambling-themed cutie marks and a single diamond dog played cards around a large round table, drinking and chatting together.
"Captain? Are you alright?" Gold Coin asked as he approached his crazed friend.
"Never better! I'm full of ENERGY! I've got ADRENALINE! I'm feeling PSYCHED! I just wanna go out and PUNCH SOMETHING, but I'm a royal guard so I'm gonna do it while DEFENDING THE LAW! AWWWWWWW YEAAAAAAAAAH!"
He slammed his hoof against the floor for emphasis, and the metal thudded loudly against it, even through the red carpet around the bar.
"...I'll take that as a no. That suit's pumped you full of too much crap. We need to get that thing off you somehow. Put you through detox. This can't be healthy."
"HEALTHY?! Goldie, that's a silly idea! This thing was built in SECOPOLIS, world capital of TECHNOLOGY! Its drugs are even BETTER! Far from UNHEALTHY, these are guaranteed to DOUBLE my lifespan if I get a constant SUPPLY!"
"Sir, could you please stop that shouting?" asked the bartender, "It's making everypony nervous."
"I APOLOGISE, my GOOD SIR."
The pony behind the bar walked away to comb his mane back to into its original style.
"You need to fucking stop," said Gold Coin, "If there's any way you can stop that thing from constantly administering drugs to you, then do it. You're acting all crazy right now."
"CRAZY?! ME?! That's NONSENSE Goldie, why just the other DAY, I was-"
The captain stopped, and his eyes dilated. He was completely still.
"...What the hell...?" the earth pony muttered.
"Interesting friend you've got there."
Gold Coin turned to see one of the gamblers from the corner table collecting drinks with magic. He was a cobalt blue unicorn with a red mane, and a cutie mark of a pair of die.
"Don't even get me started. I've only known him for a few days, and already I've somehow become his caretaker."
"Ain't it always the way? My name's Easy Eight."
"Gold Coin."
"Gold Coin, eh? Sounds like another gambler to me."
"Not a regular player, but I don't mind a game."
"Don't ya now? Why not come join us for a round of poker?"
"Sure thing."
***
"Perfect."
Lord Second held up the Reaper's Horn and looked it over. It had been damaged in the explosion, but the weapon was still functional. It probably needed some repairs and cleaning, but it was fine nonetheless. Its durability was actually rather impressive. Second himself had fared far worse.
"You did good," he said to the pegasus mare.
She smiled in appreciation.
"I'll see to it that you're rewarded for your efforts. What actually was your name?"
"Silver Vein."
Second cocked an eyebrow.
"'Silver Vein'?"
"As in a vein of silver. Like what you mine for."
"...If you're a knight, why is your name related to mining?"
"I dunno. You named us."
"No I didn't."
"Then how were we named?"
"How the fuck should I know?! I just wrote down a description of Secopolis and its citizens on paper and you all popped up! I didn't pen a backstory for each individual pony in this goddamn city! Do you know how much time that would take?"
Silver shrugged.
"Well, whatever you did to make us is no concern of mine. I'm just here to guard stuff."
"Yeah. You get back to that. I'll send a pony to arrange something for you later. For now, just give me some time alone with my gun."
Silver Vein saluted again and dived down out of sight, leaving Second alone on his perch again. He turned the shotgun over in his hands and ran his hand along the barrel.
"So many memories..." he thought to himself, "I still remember how much of a bitch you were to smuggle into Canada that one time..."
"Sir!"
From one pegasus underling pestering him to another, here came Commander Bullseye.
"What?!" Second shouted, "What could possibly be so important that you have to interrupt me again?!"
Bullseye, unlike most, was not dissuaded by Second shouting. If he felt that what he had to say was important, he could remain resolute even in the face of an angry human, and he did this now.
"It's High Priest Sun Rise, sir," he explained, "He's gone crazy, and we need you to fix him!"
"So what? The Brotherhood of Man have always been crazy fucks. What makes this Sun Rise guy any different?"
"He's gone...feral...sir."
"Feral? Sure. Why the fuck not? Stranger things have happened. Now, why is this my problem?"
"Dr. Apocalypse can't do anything to help. He says that you should be able to use your powers to fix it instead."
"So now you believe I can heal the sick and insane just by touching them? That's Jesus you're thinking of, not me."
Bullseye gave him a confused look.
"Who's Jesus?"
Second sighed.
"Never mind. Let's just go deal with this..."
***
Soft Spoken leaned over one of the low tables in the waiting room and read one of the magazines laying open in front of him. He was skimming a health article, looking to see which harmless food the so called 'experts' had decided was bad for him this week. This time it was broccoli. He sighed and shook his head periodically, which usually indicated he had read something particularly stupid.
Mystic meanwhile just sat in the chair next to him and looked around the room. There wasn't much to keep him occupied, so he just settled for staring at the paintings on the walls. Even they couldn't keep his interest though. Even the most interesting one was just a splattering of colours and shapes without meaning or direction, though an art student could no doubt spend hours pondering its meaning and write a thesis on its chaotic nature.
The little unicorn perked up when a mare walked in with two other foals, one colt and one filly. They looked like they were twins, both being cream coloured earth ponies like the older mare who they came in with. They were also both blank flanks, hence why they were at Crusaders he guessed.
"Hi!" the filly said cheerfully as the mother took a seat in the corner.
Mystic jumped off his chair and went over to say hello.
"Hi! I'm Mystic Chant! What're your names?"
"I'm Melody! This is my brother Rhythm!"
"'Sup," said Rhythm.
"I haven't seen you here before," Mystic commented.
"Yeah, it's our first time here," Melody admitted, "Mom said we should sign up to find our special talents together. We kept trying to find them on our own, but mom says twins often have talents related to each other, so we both had to come."
"Hey, you already have your cutie mark!" Rhythm pointed out.
"Yeah! I know! It showed up two days ago. We just came back here to register it."
"Woah...Cool!" said Melody, "Ummm...What is it? Is it uh...like a puff of smoke?"
"It's a Sliske!" Mystic answered proudly.
Over by the table, Softy looked at Mystic worriedly. He pretended to still be paying attention to his magazine, but secretly prepared to jump in at a moment's notice.
"You mean like the alien from those old mare's tales?" asked Melody.
"Yep!"
"Yeah right!" Rhythm said sceptically, "It's probably just a storm cloud! I bet your special talent is weather or something!"
"But he's not a pegasus!" Melody pointed out.
"It is too of Sliske!" Mystic argued.
"Is not!" shouted Rhythm.
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
Two deep green serpentine eyes and several massive rows of sharp teeth pressed almost against Rhythm's face.
"Issssssssssssss too..."
Rhythm pissed himself on the spot and ran out the door screaming. Melody stared in amazement for a moment before a huge smile spread across her face.
"Wow! That was awesome! How did you do that?! Can you teach me?!"
The mother immediately left and ran outside after Rhythm. Softy bolted out his chair and followed after them both to help. Sliske meanwhile turned to face Melody and took a bow as he returned control to Mystic.
"All in the pressssssssentation."
***
Chain Mail snapped back to reality with an unpleasant suddenness. As the drugs wore off again, he felt dazed and confused, and nearly lost his balance and fell. He stopped himself just in time to avoid smashing his face against the table where he now found himself sitting. Gold Coin was next to him, holding a few cards in his hooves.
He stared at the cards for a moment. He really admired ponies who could actually do that. He had never got the hang of it.
"Ah, you're back again," said Gold Coin, "Are you back to normal now?"
"I...think so," the captain answered, "I don't even know what happened. I was really out of it for a while there..."
"So, what's your story?"
Chain Mail looked up at the source of the voice, and saw that it was a diamond dog in a purple vest. He was sitting between two other ponies, one a white unicorn mare with a weirdly coloured mane and the other a mauve earth pony stallion.
"What do you mean 'my story'?" he asked.
"You know what I mean," the dog replied in a gruff voice, "Everypony has a story. About who we are, what we do, how we came to be here...stuff like that. I'm sure you have one too."
Chain Mail looked over to Gold Coin.
"Goldie, who are all these ponies?"
"Friends. We're playing poker. The dog is Remus."
Remus offered his hand.
"Pleased to meet you."
Chain Mail held out a hoof and shook his hand.
"Pleasure."
"So then, Captain Chain Mail is it? What's your story?"
Chain Mail rolled his eyes.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Try me," the dog challenged.
"I'm one of the new Elements of Harmony. As part of my job, I was expected to kill Lord Second, the human of legend. I went to a city in the Everfree which was built three days ago, had a sword fight with him, got badly injured, and next thing I know shit was blowing up and I'm suddenly a cyberpony. We got out, and then headed here, except for one day where we had to wait for my friend Explodey to return to normal size because he's got a healing factor that allows him to recover from any injury, but for some reason he came back small this time."
"Oh yeah, I've been there," said the white unicorn mare, nodding sagely.
Chain Mail narrowed his eyes at her.
"Of course you have."
"That actually is a pretty interesting story," said another pony.
The captain looked to the side and saw that the other pony was a cobalt blue stallion with a cutie mark of a pair of die.
"Wait," said Chain Mail, "Do you actually believe me?"
"Yeah, of course we do," he replied, "We've all seen some crazy shit before. You're not the only one on a grand, epic adventure you know."
"Really?"
"Yeah! Like, take me for instance. I'm actually a time traveller from the distant future, and I came back to collect several pieces from an ancient tablet that was scattered throughout history in an attempt to restore the space-time continuum."
Chain Mail stared at the Gold Coin's new friend for a moment, but then the mauve pony sitting next to Remus interrupted.
"I'm the last living descendent of an old family of nobles," he explained, "And I'm travelling across the land seeking out the ancient vault where my ancestors hid their greatest treasure, which I need to retrieve before I can prove my legitimacy and claim my place among Canterlot royalty."
"I'm actually over six hundred years old," said Remus, "And I've been journeying to seek out an order of monks who might know what caused my unexplained immortality.
"The government runs a secret bioweapons program," added another pony at the table, "And I'm working with a retired cop and a sassy female sidekick to try and uncover the truth behind their conspiracy."
The captain almost jumped out of his seat when a black unicorn with an eye patch leaned over from the table behind him to join in the conversation.
"The changelings are having a civil war, and I'm a no-nonsense mercenary type who's working with the rebels to assassinate key individuals in the enemy's ranks, some of whom are undercover here in this very city."
Then a pegasus mare from another nearby table chimed in.
"I'm the only survivor of a devastating attack on my home town by a vicious gang of criminals. I've dedicated my life for the past twenty years to hunting down and murdering every member of that gang."
Then other ponies around the bar started standing up and shouting out their bizarre stories.
"I am also a time traveller," declared one, "but I came here from exactly two thousand and five years ago, just after Nightmare Moon was first banished. I've only been here in the future for two weeks, and modern Canterlot really scares me."
"I'm really an alicorn!" shouted another, tearing off a coat to reveal a pair of wings, "I never wanted to be one though! I just want to be normal! My life is so hard and nopony understands me!"
"I was framed for murder by my best friend, and I'm on the run from the law!"
"My wife was kidnapped by mobsters, and I'm here searching for information on where they might be keeping her, so I can go off on a rescue mission!"
"I sometimes black out, and when I wake up again I'm covered in blood."
"I'm being stalked by a supernatural entity that feeds off my fear, and if it gets strong enough it will open a portal to its home world and Equestria is doomed."
"I keep living the same day over and over!"
"I eat other ponies, and when I do, I gain their memories!"
"I'm a government agent, here to assassinate a pony who's investigating our bioweapons program."
"I hunt aliens for a living."
"I actually am an alien."
"My father was abducted by aliens."
"I'm several fillies in a trench coat!"
"I'm from an alternate universe where everything is the same except mares and stallions are switched!"
"I'm a celebrity faking my own death and living a quiet life of retirement."
"I'm the reincarnation of Commander Hurricane!"
"I'm not really a mare!"
"I'm the most wanted terrorist in Equestria."
"I have super powers, thanks to being exposed to normally lethal levels of gamma radiation!"
"I'm half plant!"
"I am literally the fattest pony currently alive."
"My mother was Princess Luna!"
"My family are all ninjas!"
"I can drink fifteen gallons of milk in under six seconds."
"I'm actually in a hospital bed in Ponyville, this whole world is a fever dream, and when I wake up you will all die."
Chain Mail just stared at all the ponies in the bar. They were all looking at him, and every single one of them were deadly serious. Then, they all simultaneously turned their heads to the bartender.
He shrugged at them.
"I serve drinks to you freaks and get paid for it," he said simply, "That's about it."
***
"So what's going on?" asked Second as he marched into the lab, "This had better be damn important, or I swear-"
He stopped as he reached the cell, and saw the snarling, thrashing form of Sun Rise chained up to the wall inside. The human folded his arms and looked between the insane pony and Dr. Apocalypse, who shrugged at him.
"And you think I can cure this?"
"Well...I haven't seen anything so far you can't do..."
"I can't fucking fly. Jump really high, maybe, but I can't fly. That's at least one thing that two thirds of all ponies can do that I can't. Think about that for a minute."
"Sir, self levitation with unicorn magic can hardly be counted as-"
Second punched Dr. Apocalypse in the face and sent him sprawling.
"God, I love being able to do that! I can't count the number of times back in the human world I just wanted to punch some annoying prick in the face and I couldn't. You provide a valuable service to me, doctor."
Dr. Apocalypse smiled as he clutched his bleeding nose.
"Any time, sir!" he said cheerfully.
"Alright, someone open the cell and let me in."
A nearby knight obediently procured a ring of keys and unlocked the cell door. He and another knight, plus Dr. Apocalypse and the other Brotherhood ponies all followed the human inside, where he stood within arms reach of Sun Rise. Second rolled up his sleeves.
"Okay, let's see what other bullshit magic powers I have now..."
He placed his hand on Sun Rise's face. The pegasus immediately went still, but the human began convulsing. He screamed as he connected, and everything went dark.
***
"Where the fuck am I now?"
Second looked around. He was in a dark, featureless void. He could move around freely, and he seemed to have a physical presence, but there was nothing here. Just blackness everywhere.
"Hello?!" he shouted, "Anybody out there?!"
There were footsteps behind him. Not hoofsteps. Footsteps. For a moment, Second felt a glimmer of hope, but when he turned around he saw only his imaginary friends. Conscience limped over to his side, shadowed by Ambition in his red suit, Sexuality, still completely naked, the little goblin that represented his creativity and the cartoon devil that was the avatar of his anger.
Damn. Anger looked like he was on steroids.
"Just us, Howard," Conscience said sadly.
"So, you all have a physical presence here?" Second asked.
"There's nothing physical about any of us," Ambition explained, "This is the mental landscape of Sun Rise's mind, and since we're all a part of you, when you came in here we followed after."
"What even are you? Just hallucinations? Some kind of punishment I have to endure? Magic?"
"You went a little crazy while trapped in stone, and developed a split personality disorder. We're your other personalities. It's just that we never take over, because we're too polite for that."
Second blinked.
"That is NOT how split personality disorder works!" Second shouted, "I don't think there's even a number high enough for me to count all the ways that's completely wrong! In fact, that's so off the mark, it's almost insulting to people who actually do suffer from it!"
"Howard," Ambition interrupted, "Are you seriously expecting My Little Pony to be scientifically accurate?"
"No! This is bullshit, and that's a bullshit excuse! I want you all to go away, and don't come back until you have a better explanation of your origins! You are all a disgrace to everything that is good and logical in the world, and your existence would make a real psychologist ball up and cry."
"Howard, stop raging," Conscience replied "We can't help it if we were written by a hack. What we can do though, is help you out. We're here to fix Sun Rise's mind, and that's gotta be easier with all of us, right?"
The human sighed.
"Fine. Just don't get in my way. Now, let's go see what's wrong with this pony. Whatever's causing Sun Rise's insanity, it must be-"
Everything was suddenly much brighter, as an orange glow came from somewhere behind Second. All the hallucinations stared in horror at something behind him. Second slowly turned around, and his jaw nearly dropped on the floor when he saw the demon from the mirror in his dream, standing just two hundred feet away. Except not exactly the same. This one didn't have any of the injuries of the mirror demon, it was the size of the house, and it had a whip made of fire. Of course it would be fire.
It stared at him blankly. Second turned around to face his hallucinations again.
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" he screamed, "THE DEVIL?! SUN RISE IS BEING DRIVEN CRAZY BY THE DEVIL?!"
"...Yeah...Sure looks that way..." Conscience muttered.
"As the avatar of your ambition, I would like to remind you that living would be of the greatest benefit to your future prospects."
"And as your conscience, I would like to remind you that a pony out there is relying on you to clean things up in here."
Second stared is disbelief at Conscience.
"HE'S THE DEVIL! I CANNOT FIGHT HIM, BECAUSE HE IS THE DEVIL! HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO FIGHT THE DEVIL?! I SURE FUCKING HAVEN'T, AND I'M NOT EAGER TO START NOW!"
"Tell you what," Conscience suggested, "Let's put it to a vote. Since we're pieces of your mind, our decision will dictate your course of action. I throw my vote in for fighting him."
"I'm against it," said Ambition.
"Of course you are. Creativity?"
"Nope. Living sounds good."
"Anger?"
"SATAN IS A PUSSY-ASS BITCH TRYING TO INTIMDATE US BY BEING REALLY TALL AND RED! WE CAN TAKE THIS GUY!"
This coming from a guy who looked slightly like a demon himself.
"Mmhmm. Sexuality?"
"Kill him and rape the corpse."
"That's a majority in favour of fighting, Howard," said Conscience, "Now go over there and challenge that demon to fisticuffs."
"...You guys suck."
END
Author's notes:
Sorry this took so long. I had a lot of ideas for this chapter that got cut back to avoid making another behemoth of a chapter like the last one turned out. Some may think more is better, but I think we can all agree that no-one wants to read that many words all in one go if it can be avoided. I thought of this and split it up again. The rest of this chapter has now become the next chapter, so you can look forward to that.
Also, I started work on another story too, unrelated to this one. I'll talk more about it for those interested when I actually produce the first chapter, but for now just understand that it may take some time away from this, and I'm already working on two other projects aside from this, plus school work, so delays will be far from uncommon in the near future. I can't say I'm not disappointed in myself, but I know better than to try and rush a story out to meet deadlines.
And finally I would like to let you all know that some guy on Deviantart went to the trouble of converting Human to e-reader format. I don't know what that means exactly, because I have no idea what an e-reader is, but hey, I'm sure that's exciting news for those of you that do. You can find it here.
Next Chapter: Second vs. Satan, no holds barred. PLACE. YOUR. BETS.
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Kewl
Lol, Awesome. The bar scene was side-splitting.
Darn it, just as I was about to start doing homework! Oh well, this is FAR more interesting.
Satan wins and then gets beaten by Sun Rise.
I must say, I'm loving Sliske more and more.
Also.... *ahem* CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS TALENT REGISTRY! YAY!
But I can't help but feel the plot is dragging these last couple of chapters.
We have more Second being messed up, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders actually leaving behind a thousand-year legacy.
...This is a good day.
Oh dear, people's OCs seem to have invaded Equestria. Great chapter, though I'd point out the first thing wrong with Split Personility Disorder is that it's not even called that.
552242
Zombie Apocalypse. Not much longer.
Pshaw! I would LOVE to read that many words in one go, even if it could be avoided.
And I'm really hoping Celestia comes back soon. Probably at the funeral. "Ready to become a main character." Right.
Nice chapter man. Can't wait for the next chapter, this fight between the Devil and Second sounds interesting.
HAH Explody really did love Broadsword! ...Wonder if Skies will make an appearance =D.
So Explody is a coltcuddler? :3
fisticuffs, a gentlemen's game
the bartender is now my favorite character ever. thank you.
I will be very disappointed if this chapter doesn't result in an Extended Universe following the epic and grand quests of each and every last one of those bar ponies... with the bar scene in every last one of them.
552859
The Great DannyJ would like it to be known that he has no intention of following up on any of these bar ponies, and if someone else wants to do anything with them, they're free to do so.
552926
You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.
e-reader = kindle, nook, ipad, etc....
I'm placing my bet on Second. He still has to fight Celestia (whenever she makes it back from the afterlife).
I have no idea why but I really like lord second.
Man we haven't heard from First and Celestia for a while now.
Mind telling us when they're going to show up again?
Sooooo many Prototype references in so few sentences, this is the best chapter, period!
553055
Well, that would be telling, but I will reveal that First will show up again two chapters after Celestia does.
553090
Cool I was just wondering cause both didnt show up recently. I'm just glad they will show up soon.
Anyway I do have another question. Have you maybe tought about writing what the mane 6' reaction was when they saw First in the after life
let's say Celestia asking First this question. I can just imagine what Twilight would be like if she saw First in the after life. If you'd write it I'm sure it'd be hilarious.
553158
Later, my friend. Later...
553162
:D oh man I can't wait.
Man how did you come up with such a hilarious and at the same time grim dark Human in Equestria story anyway? and such a lengthy one at that?
553181
I thought to myself;
"What if I created a character who was the biggest cunt in history, was more powerful than most deities, and was surrounded by people he hates?"
The answer I got was;
"That would make an AWESOME sitcom."
And then I added ponies.
553208
:O That is so awesome.
And your right that WOULD make an awesome sitcom. Seriously there's like nothing I watch on TV anymore.
I do watch House MD from time to time and I'm from Europe and don't have the Hub so have to watch ponies on Youtube.
What about you what do you watch on TV? And what is your opinion on TV shows nowadays? (ignore the fact that these questions sound like something for an interview)
Challenging Beelzebub or whatever ya call him to fisticuffs...This should end well!
553247
Fuck TV nowadays. I turn on that big square thing downstairs only when a new series of Doctor Who or Torchwood airs, record in on the skybox, and then it stays in the skybox until the DVDs are released. Then I leave it to gather dust for another year. The TV upstairs on the other hand remains active for most the year, usually displaying either my latest video game or once in a while playing one of my many DVDs of the actual good series that used to be on TV that aren't produced anymore.
553336
Dude you're so right the only things I do watch on TV nowadays is either Sports if I'm bored or maybe some Discovery channel or Travel Channel. If you ask me anyone that has internet doesn't watch TV anymore at least that's how it's for me.
And now that you mention Doctor Who I started watching that show just 3 months ago (it was because of ponies I started watching in the first place XD) episode on the web.
That's really brilliant your a Doctor Who fan. Do you have a favorite series/episode/actor?
553397
I know what you mean. I watched DW before ponies, but the MLP fandom has actually got me into a number of other series. I would never have played Skyrim or Fallout were it not for so many other bronies going on about them.
Anyway, as for your questions, favourite doctor is the Eleventh, favourite series is sixth, most recent one, and favourite episode is a tie between Closing Time and A Good Man Goes to War.
Man, it's kind of weird seeing Second going after the Pantheon of B, and knowing that he's going after the wrong people entirely.
Funeral eh? why do I think Celestia will COME BACK during the funeral?
553448
Yeah I like the eleventh Doctor too but his outfit is really strange.
My favorite Doctor is the Tenth his personality and his outfit made me really love him. Dude I shed a tear at the tenth's regeneration but the second the eleventh showed I was happy again. Still I'm so sad that the tenth died alone and sad D;
So? Do you think we'll finnaly know the real name of The Doctor? Also there are some rumors that this series is Matt Smiths last as The Doctor if true I wonder what kind of Doc we'll get next.
553501
I don't think they actually will, but anything's possible. I wouldn't put it past Moffat.
553509
Yeah I kinda doubt Moffat will reveal The Doctors true name either.
Anyway we kinda spamed the comments section with our conversation.
Do you have Steam or Skype by any chance? Would like to talk to ya more... if that's ok with you that is.
553533
Neither, sadly.
553549
Well there is a chat on here. Never tried it before I'll try and give it a shot see how it is. If you ain't to busy try and see if it's any good.
Sexuality sounds like the woodland citters from Southpark.
"Lets kill him, rape his body, and use his blood as lubricant! YAY!"
"NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
That's like creativity and sexuality mixed.
553561
I don't think I'll be able to. I'm already conversing with someone I'm collaborating with on another story in a Google docs page right now between answering comments.
553594
No prob the chat is pretty good btw. Way better way to talk to than spam the comments.
553603
Another time perhaps...
552315 If Celestia doesn't burst out of the casket at the funeral while Luna's eulogy is in full swing, I think I'll be disappointed.
broccoli. . . . .
553713 Same here. As a side note, today I spent three hours in a row reading a 100,000 word long fic (I actually thought I was a faster reader than that, but whatever). So screw your proclamation that nobody wants to read so many words in one go!
My current theory for this story is that Second is completely fictional.
By this, I mean that Howard and Second are two different individuals.
Howard is "real". Howard, in the story, is an animator/writer for MLP:FIM, has a son, and is married. At the moment, depending on which of Second's beliefs about Equestrian-Earth time is correct, Howard is either A.) helping animate/write the "mature" continuation of MLP, which features the human called "Second", who is based off him, brought back as the main villain; Or B.) Long dead and in a grave somewhere.
Second, on the other hand, is a completely fictional character who was modeled off of Howard in both personality and appearance. He was created, along with his companion, First (Who was based off of Howard's son Anthony), to be the villain of what was effectively the fan-service season of mlp. In the beginning, that was the extent of his relation to Howard: He just looked and acted like him.
Now, A new show is being made, one that is more grimdark and completely aimed at the adult male audience. For the first season's villain, they decide to bring back Second and expand his backstory. They decide to make it so that Second was not just based on Howard, but IS Howard, transported to Equestria by what may have been completely involuntary circumstances. The moment they came up with this backstory, The universe of Equestria was retconned to make it so. Basically, until Hasbro declared that he was Howard, he wasn't.
So, Second is, in reality, affected and controlled by cartoon/fictional logic entirely because he is a cartoon/fictional being, and never was truly real. Which makes the fact that he wants to go home sad, because the side of the fourth wall he is on is technically his home.
Also, Howard might also not be "real" at all, and Second may entirely be an original character made for the show.
That is my half-baked and confusing theory that I came up with at 1 in the morning. Sooo...Yeah.
Amazing story, by the way. Definitely the best HiE on the site, in my humble opinion.
kill the devil and rape his corpse?
[img] http://i1224.photobucket.com/albums/ee379/Allison_Biechy/129982556490-mlp-1298358683679.jpg [/img]
I DO
...I'm just going to file this one with the Ballad of Twilight Sparkle under Stories that are so absolutely ridiculous and crazy that I can't stop reading.
This chapter is so meta.
556145
Agreed, without a doubt this is the greatest Human in Equestia fic ever, no contest. I'd also say it also ranks pretty high on the list of Mlp Fanfic's ever written, period.
This is probably one if the greatest fan fics ever produced on FiM Fic, just sayin'.
Also, I personally belive that the mysterious "he" Luna keeps refering to is Doctor Whooves.
Just sayin'.
Keep up the swag.