Forever Alone Forever Forgotten

On Hiatus875 stories ·39 members

I still remember the dreadful day. The day of death or my friends at the hands of Discord and Chrysalis. That was one year ago. And now here I am at my friends' grave to mourn them. The death day of my friends. The succession of Discord and Chrysalis...

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Just Some Random Guy

Just Some Random Guy #1 · Oct 10th, 2012 · · ·

I hate you. Poor Fluttershy. You made Fluttershy sad. Well, still better than my first fic. Favourited!

Cardcaptor Sakura

Cardcaptor Sakura #2 · Oct 10th, 2012 · · ·

I know you said not to comment on the grammar, but it is atrocious. I won't go into detail though at your request.
This is a case of excellent idea and storyline and poor execution. Some technical problems: too many lines. (Edit: I meant the lines that were a whole bunch of asterisks breaking up paragraphs.) How about instead of just placing a line to show the passage of time, why not transition it? Like, "the dream was the same every time" or something like that. Next: too many unnecessary indents. Some of them are used well, but sometimes sentences are just isolated with no rhyme or reason. Sentence structure could use some work; a lot of run-ons and fragments. Some words are not spelled correctly or wrong synonyms are used, "main" instead of "mane" etc. This seems very harsh, I know, it's happened to me before. But it really takes away from the story.
Story itself: The fact that all 5 died all at once very quickly with no warning made it a teensy bit hard to feel bad or emotionally connected to their deaths. Actually, ignore that because I don't really have a fix for that.

Good things
Everyone in the story is in character and realistic. I could hear it in their voice. Great job there. The few metaphors and similes that were in there were quite well done. The ending certainly was not a cliffhanger, per say, but it did leave me wanting more.

Woah. I really went off on a tangent there . I know I was really critical but honestly thinking up a story like this is way better then I could do. I'll be watching this~