A mysterious pony has arrived at the doorstep of Twilight Sparkle's house. He seems like a normal unicorn except he has lost his memory and isn't sure how he arrived at the house. Things begin to grow more complex as Twilight finds out that the pony is in serious trouble.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I will keep an eye on this one, but a word of advice....a description goes a long way.
Okay, I'll be the first to admit it: That picture alone made me want to read it.
It was okay but I did find two mistakes.
The first being that the transition between two scenes, there is none really. Usually the writer adds a few stars to act as a breaks. Like this *****, I know you only did this once, but further on in the story it can be very destructive to the reader's understanding of what's happening.
Second, the 'reveal' of the conflict. highlighting it is the last thing you want to do, because when you do you draw the readers eye immediately jumps away from what it's reading a reads that. Kind of defeating the build-up.
That's it really, it could use just a few improvements, maybe add some more information (like any importent events that give subtle clues to the reader on what's going to happen next, ex: Twilight remembered to get a dress ready for the Grand Galloping Galla, and later on it turns out that an event in the story that takes place there.) and that's it. 3.5*
*willing to change over time
quite good. and the title reminds me of the name of a song from a game.
"I think I remember killing someone" saw it coming
I didn't even think people would read it yet. I am changing it as we speak.
So this young colt...is he a baby or? uhh, I hope your making this funny on purpose because I can't stop cracking up at the wacky way you described Ponyvile haha!
Well that is why I put it as an alternate universe. Isn't suppose to be exactly the same place.
"I remember some pony dying” didn't see it coming but nice still you may want to get a pre/proof reader because it felt really good at one point then it sorta of just got boring.
Dexters's Lab For The Win!
Where the rest?