What if a teenage boy switched lives and worlds with one of the mane 6, This is what would happen. This is my first fanfic, hope you like it.
Rated teen for language.
Derpy and Dr. Whooves will be added in a later chapter.
PS: If you have a better picture or title post it in the comments, I will give you full credit,
dtlux1
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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My first fanfic, I hope you all like it.
dtlux1
PS: this was my first fanfic, I know it is an overused concept that I happen to like and I know there are many spelling and gramer mistakes, but thanks for the critisism that I will use to make my upcoming fanfic better, it is about Luna sending the mane 6 on a mission and they don't come back after a month. Then Luna sends the background ponies to find them.
Punctuation: You need it.
This will probably come across as being unnecessarily cruel but I need you to understand something. Simply because you can write something, does not mean that you should.
Your story? It has many issues not the least of which sounds like it was written by a 10 year old. I could almost hear it in my head as I was reading it, that strange... stilted kind of reading that some kids have. The metre was frighteningly exact. It's hard to put into words other than it sounds like somebody speaking. every. single. word. as. if. there's. a. pause. after. it. and. not. putting. any. emphasis. on. the. words.
Maybe it was the short sentences like here:
Short little sentences that encapsulate a single thought each but aren't the way that people actually communicate with each other. You are the narrator, you need to tell us this story but you need to be a story teller in order to do it any kind of justice. This means you need to put something into your writing that makes it sound more natural.
Then there's the issue with the dialogue, without rehashing the stilted sound of the narration which is there as well we run into another problem. This problem is "guess who's speaking at any point".
Usually, at some point you would say that somepony said this, or somepony answered that but there's nothing there. And it's just dialogue. There's no supporting information, these ponies are just talking to each other, give some descriptions as to what is happening when they're talking.
"Hey, Rainbow, could you help me with something?" Twilight asked as she looked through a stack of books.
"But I have to go see Rarity!" Rainbow Dash complained. She didn't necessarily mind helping Twilight but the little egghead always wanted her to do these weird experiments.
"Good, can you deliver this book to her? I'd do it myself but I need to study some unnatural events that have been going on."
Sure, What do you mean by unnatural?" Rainbow Dash asked, a little curious as to what Twilight could be talking about.
"Unnatural as in not natural. To tell you the truth I'm not sure, but I'll tell you when I find out."
"Ok, see ya latter." Rainbow Dash said as she took the book and made her way to Rarity's boutique.
See? Suddenly you have not only explanations of what the characters are feeling but it gives motivation and a reason for these characters to act and respond the way they do.
As for the rest, I dislike Brony in Equestria stories especially the ones that are bullied in real life then find happiness in Equestria. It's been done a thousand times before and it comes off as cheap self-insertion. I'd recommend changing your character from a brony to a regular guy but give him something else to make him an outsider if you feel this is important to the plot.
1411717 I have nothing more to add to that, except that, Mr. Author, please do not put "this is my first fanfic" in the description. No one really cares, it's not an excuse for poor writing, and is more likely to get you more criticism than if you hadn't written it.
There is now a small child in my head reading this story to me. GET HIM OUT!
1409223
No, I don't. It's an overused idea that you bring nothing fresh to. Downvote, didn't read.
Arrgh! The only reason I comes to this fic is for the cute picture of Derpy dressed as Link.
Derpy is best pony and I'll kill any scallywag that say otherwise!
The Crimson Brony did not care for the story.
Yaargh! The Crimson Brony has spoken!
1416553 Thank you, you are the first person not to hate this, many people hate it because it is another human in equestria story, I happen to love human in equestria stories! I thankyou and am glad you enjoyed,
dtlux1
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/003/194/001.jpg mfw this story
Who the hell carries pony figures everywhere they go? Not even the extreme ponyfags would do that. Anyway, this story is nothing new, come up with something more original, fics like these are almost as bad as conversion bureau fics.
1424842 I carry pony figures where ever I go, I know it is dumb and embarasing to do but I do anyway, and I am working on a fanfic right now where the mane 6 get saved by background ponies.
dtlux1
1418640
No I think most people don't like the pacing, grammar, spelling and just plain bad story. The fact that this type of story has been made who knows how many times adds insult to injury.
1412288 And yet CoD is one of the most famous games!
1767618 Thank for faving, I am working on another story right now if you want to know, it is in an editing stage, here is a blog of the unedited chapter. link.
dtlux1
1411145>>1411717>>1411771>>1411857>>1413359>>1439674>>1443016>>1767618 I had somepony edit it if you wanna re read it.
1416547>>1424842 This story now has no grammer and spelling errors, if you want.
dtlux1
I am going to tell you about something magical. A secret passed down from author to author that has the power to completely change the very fabric of reality. Every time you wrote
, you could have simply written
This witchcraft is known as the digital horizontal text separation device or the horizontal rule. Watch as your writing becomes visually pleasing and people read further than the first scene change.
Now that that's been addressed, there really isn't anything to hook a reader's interest in this story. It is a blatant self-insert and there is no conflct and no character. I'd recomend that you take note of how other authors write, cut down on the references and flesh out your description of events and conversations.
2015973 Writen before that option was put on fimfiction.
dtlux1
2016095
It's quite an old feature. Really old.
Wow, just looking back I can see how much of a brony I used to be and I hate myself. I mean, just read those comments I made.
dtlux1
3593698
Some things never change.
1: Indent paragraphs, preferably using the "Tab" button on the left side of the keyboard, just above "Caps Lock"
2: Give the human character and his world some background. Who is this other kid and why doesn't he hang out with him/her? What makes his neighborhood bad?
3: Use the horizontal rule tag like NobodyPro suggested to change scenes.
4: When switching to another character, create a new paragraph and give the character an action before or after the dialog, for example
5: Your first story shouldn't be a HiE, much less one that screams self-insert. My biggest gripe about them is that the human doesn't have a back story, ends up teleported to Equestria under dubious circumstances and the human is a Mary Sue.
6: Don't pick out a cover picture if you can't find something relevant to your story.
That said, I'm not going to dislike this story, nor am I going to like it. I'll reserve my judgment until these changes are applied.
4523917 The last time I worked on this story was about 2 or 3 years ago. I may edit it, or it may just sit here like this. I will try to use these sugestions if I do edit it again though. Thanks.
lh5.googleusercontent.com/U3WCEN-yTIDLTFL66ZNfamRRdtQLMYzyrw16Wc11Zp-05Vx02gceW0p2Tr45evNjApbphx2ALVx7q4faBqexcQfri7lGKCJ6QfWa2Jcz_Ck0
4687883 I agree with you.