Two friends end up in Equestria. One loves it, and the other hates it. Will their friendship survive? A shameless self-insert featuring a transgender mare and her cynical friend.
Cover art by the wonderful QuixoticPirates.
Chapters (13)
Lilyheart
Joined 19th Mar, 2024 ·
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Nice conflicting dynamic!
11859040
My first comment! Thank you!
A fun read so far! I wouldn't say Lilyheart is a Mary Sue, at least not yet :)
Interesting that this story leans into the cartoon nature of the world, which is an angle I haven't seen before. Just keep them away from dip.
11859825
Thank you! I'm happy I've avoided Mary Sue thus far!
And I'm surprised to hear that about the cartoon part; but come to think of it all the fanfiction I've read does lean on the realism side of things.
I loved the description in all of this, especially what ran through Lilyheart’s head. It’s true, when we’re thrown into certain situations, our minds just start racing onto random topics at times. You captured that feeling well.
I like Lilyheart, and the concept of being sent to a fictional world that well, the protagonist is familiar with or knows about. I also like how she contrasts with Robinwind/Matt, which makes me a bit curious if Lilyheart made Matt’s OC, or Matt did himself.
The gender issues is a theme I’m familiar with being a gender-fluid demigirl myself. I personally found the “anatomy” part a bit awkward however, as gender identity doesn’t have to do with your parts. If it was to make Lilyheart feel “justified” to be/identify as a girl, however, I understand the choice.
This is good so far! Looking forward to seeing more MLP themes and characters in the next chapters!
Great start
11859825
Hawthorne!!!
Welcome to hopefully making yourself cry, LH!
11861976
I actually don't know if the jumpy style of the character's thoughts are because of their situation or if that's just my specific style. I once worked on a book (never finished) where the main character had ADHD, so I may have gotten used to throwing out random thoughts all the time. It's honestly just fun.
On who created whose character... that's clarified in a chapter.
Believe me, the sex confirmation part was awkward for me to write, particularly since I want this to be as close to rated E as possible. I feel comfortable saying that moment was a gigantic justification and affirmation for character Lilyheart, but I think it's best I don't say much more than that, for fear of spoilers.
Thank you very much for reading! And for the comment!
11862357
Thank you!
11862467
Yay, senpai noticed me! lol.
But wait, what does that mean? What have I gotten myself into? Or do you mean the character Lilyheart?
What a fun chapter!
I liked the conversation about debating which pony race is the most “useful.” I always did personally think that Earth ponies had a disadvantage in the world of MLP, but it’s such a fair and just world that it doesn’t matter much there.
I hope Lilyheart and Robinwind can find more common ground soon. I’m curious about their sibling relationship back in the real world now. Was it a strained relationship, or are they just so different but got along fine?
If you wanted criticism, I can’t really think of much because like you might know, I’m not exactly the best or know what I’m doing really. But perhaps that conversation in the chapter could’ve taken place while Lilyheart and Robinwind were walking somewhere, as more movement would’ve been happening.
I know it probably doesn’t matter as much in prose than in a cartoon, where the characters usually should Not always be standing in one place. But I personally visualize what I write as being on a screen. (Hard to explain.) It could be why I’m weak at description because I have to constantly remember that the readers aren’t going to see what I’m envisioning unless I detail it out for them. And usually I don’t remember. XD
11862518
One day you'll a chapter that will even catch you off guard. You'll learn things about yourself as you write. So write.
11862678
c.tenor.com/ouBA6kPXwOEAAAAC/tenor.gif
11862554
Thank you! It's really nice just seeing someone talk about each different scenes like this.
"I hope Lilyheart and Robinwind can find more common ground soon. I’m curious about their sibling relationship back in the real world now. Was it a strained relationship, or are they just so different but got along fine?"
All I can say to this is that you're picking up the right things! Although (and this my fault for how I phrased things in chapter one) they are friends, not siblings. I edited the part in chapter one to clarify that.
"But perhaps that conversation in the chapter could’ve taken place while Lilyheart and Robinwind were walking somewhere, as more movement would’ve been happening."
You're right about this. I normally try to describe more about what characters are doing during dialogue, but giving this another quick skim over, I realize I didn't do that very much. Thank you.
I like the “what the h-h-hay” part! And the fact they can’t say “human” and “anybody” and all sorts of other words. It reminded me of the show The Good Place where when they try to curse, it gets censored XD
I like how the characters even have to get used to MOVING in a new body. I don’t see it addressed often, and like another comment said I like how the world is clearly cartoony :p
Omg I loved how you described Lilyheart as a blue cupcake with yellow frosting XD The ponies do kinda look… confection-y!
Caught up now! This was a really good chapter and again I loved all the topics Lily’s mind jumped to. It makes her feel real, in a sense, as if she is conversing with the reader.
11864130
Funny about the cartoony part, I didn't even think about it as being cartoony. Just, 'Oh, this is how it works on the show, so how would it feel like to actually do these things?'
I have to credit Jet_Black1980 for the idea about the word stuttering. But I actually do say "What the hay?" in real life.
Thank you for all your comments. Chapter Six is almost ready.
11864452
Aww!
You have a word, pickles instead of prickles here when describing "pickles of pain"
Anyway, this story is pretty decent, tho the pov shifts every chapter between the two are a bit annoying, I don't begrudge it as both characters need to shine.
Still, looking forward to more of this and keep up the good work.
I don't know why, but I was expecting at least some fight from him. Even a cornered rabbit fights back. Also, friend was kidnapped by an evil plant. Fight-flight or freeze turn to fight-fight or fight, but that might just be my monkey brain talking. It is a good fic and I will await the next update :)
11866319
Thank you, and fixed! I don't suppose you want to be my editor? Pay comes in the spectacular price of 00 bits per word. Benefits include as much smart Alec comments as I can come up with, and we offer a six months bonus of 0000 bits! Don't you see how many zeros that is? More zeros is always good!
I intend to rotate between characters each chapter for as long as the plot allows. Hopefully it won't get too annoying.
11867178
I appreciate your comment. There's a reason for Robin's actions, but that's about all I can say at this point.
11866298
I now understand what you mean by delicious comments.
11867682
I'll have to decline that generous offer as I already have a job that offers 7 0's. That isn't to say I can't offer my services in my spare time however.
But for real tho, I'm terrible at commitments like this but I can always lend a helpful bit of insight.
As for the shifts, it's about what I expected so I guess I'll just have to deal.
11867719
Just having people read and like my story makes me happy enough. To get comments and little grammar/spelling insights like you already did is extra frosting. Thank you!
Family shape? Probably meant "familiar"
Anyway, the dialogue was great, and it seems we have an edgy pony in the mix now as well as a cliffhanger.
Kinda funny, my first character I made was named Night Storm but was a bat pony and not a pegasus.
Anyway, looking forward to seeing the flip side and the continuation of this. Just so many confrontations.
11868920
That was fast! Thank you again, and fixed!
Nice so far.
Hey heads up, song lyrics from copyrighted songs are against the rules of the site.
Good chapter though!
11871147
Thank you. Both the heads up and support.
I unpublished the chapter for the time being, until I can figure out what to do with those lines, or a mod gets back to me and tells me that somehow it's acceptable.
11868989
Forgot to respond to you; so I'm doing it now. Thank you for the comment!
That's not what the 'simplest explanation' rule is. Occam's Razor is about introducing as few new elements to an explanation as possible. In this case, a 'full VR' is very unlikely, but at least possible under the known laws of physics; actual travel between different Universes is highly speculative at best. If you just kinda have to accept some things, might start with the VR.
Can't believe I'm agreeing with a Christian on a matter of ontology, lol. Other than that though, this is a perfectly good and well written first chapter.
11874578
I read this comment first thing when I woke up, and it really confused me. I thought you meant to comment on a completely different story at first.
Yeah, Occam's Razor; I used the laymare's butchered definition, since it's not like like they have google in Equestria.
At first bringing in religion felt awkward, but now I'm more comfort able with it. I'm not trying to say anything through the story about religion, either in favor or against. It's just that the character's are religious, and so it radically affects their perspective.
I'm happy you enjoyed the first chapter, thank you for the comment, and I hope you enjoy the rest!
Ah, I should've mentioned it sooner, but just "Raiss" is fine if referring to me here.
In any case, a magic surge! Always fun to have one of those moments, tho as an author, you used a get out of jail free card for Lilyheart here, no more convenient magic surges next time! Of course a timely rescue is all well and good.
I feel for Midnight here, is it really too much to ask to quiet down when in a serious situation? Poor guy. Also poor Bats, they did nothing wrong! Just inviting a pony to the darkside, they probably have cookies!
I'm reminded of that old meme with church signs debating dogs. You know the one - the Presbyterian church was like, dogs don't have souls; the Catholic church was like, all Catholic dogs go to Heaven. Just substitute dogs with ponies, lol.
"Rainbow Dash" - or is this intentional? There's more instances in further chapters.
"trot"
"Nada", I assume.
11875061
Raiss, these are coming out of your pay check.
11875268
11875298
I actually never had heard of that meme before and had to look it up. I have many things I could say on the subject, but I will leave it at: yes, all rocks go to heaven. I'm certain I read that somewhere in the catechism.
Thank you for the corrections! I don't suppose you would also like to join the ranks and be an unofficial official proofreader as well?
11875061
Initially I had Robin slam into Bats with no magical malfunctions to be had. But I thought this was more fun.
11876629
I respectfully decline. My schedule and mood for fanfiction of any kind are both somewhat unreliable.
11877173
And I respectfully understand!
...though, be warned, Raiss said something similar at first.
11877550
Lol, I didn't say something similar to that, only that I was already being paid nothing and I'm bad at commitments.
Luckily for you I am nothing BUT spare time at the moment.
11877976
A no's a no that nos a no, don'cha no?
HEEEEEEEEE!!!! The word spreads.
A nice, calm chapter after the whirlwind that happened. I wonder how long that will last.
Lilyheart, I have a way you could turn yourself into a foal and still have it make sense in the story arc.
Lilyheart has been living in ponyville for a while when rainbow dash decides to pull a prank on her by getting her to eat poison joke in her food, see slowly watches himself turn into a one year old foal over the course of the day as *insert main 6 but not rainbow dash here* Lilyheart has to face her worst fear as she has a nightmare about it and then it happens for real. she can still talk because of the poison joke but it sounds like a foal. she still acts like a filly even as her age.
this is how you make it not turn into something stupid. Lilyheart then decides that it doesn't matter if she's a foal and cursed to be one years old, she is going to make twilight turn her back. she then goes on a cozy glow ark but actually cares about life and is just misguided instead of evil. eventually she gets the pony taken care of her to surrender and the princess comes over to reason with her. Lilyheart then finally realizes that being little isn't that bad. so she hugs the pony taking care of her and then twilight if she is taking care of her or not if she's not anyway finds a way to fix the spell the next day. she finally embraces being young again and acts exactly like that way and it changes her forever. the next day they make you fun of her thinking that she isn't going to change back, but she does because she is still her and so she grows up again and the story ark is over until the next slice of life episode.
do you like it?
11884099
That's a bit too involved to just be a suggestion going forward, that's more of an alternate timeline derivative where perhaps a whole new story would be required.
it's not a bad idea tho.
I can't believe I'm the favorite! I guess I win that position by being the only one proofreading, well, besides yourself, but that would be weird to be your own favorite proofreader.
And Robin totally owes Lily a soda.
11883958
Noooooo! Everyone, quarantine me! I’ve been infected!
11883969
The eye of the storm.
11884127
You get the gold, silver, bronze, and participation ribbon.
And thank you! I'll take a Sprite. No, Sunkist. No, Cream! Cream soda! Rooooobbbin!
Thank you for the comments, everyone!
11884099
Thank you for both the comment and suggestion!
Unfortunately, poison joke wouldn’t quite have that effect on Lily, because she isn’t afraid of being a foal or foallikeness. That’s why she didn’t get mad at Midnight’s insults. You could say that she is very in touch with her inner child… maybe a little too much.
In any case, I can comfortably say the story won’t be going in that direction. That being said, it’s not beyond the realm of possibility a foal Lilyheart, or maybe even a foal Robinwind to make an appearance at some point.
An evil mini-me does sound like fun.
Well, that's embracing. I wish them all luck.
I bet it's Aloe from the spa, the massages were so divine she ascended.
As for the background pony references, I don't know any of those ponies. And greyguardpony just returns a dead link.
I can't believe you're calling me batty, I'll have you know I'm quite sane! Only the sanest of bats around here.