• Member Since 15th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

GreyNimbus


T

After a 'spiritual kidnapping', I find myself in a land populated by small, sentient equines. Was I brought here for a reason or was it all just an accident? Accidents are the only theory I can really believe. 'Cause what good can a single person with an average life do to make a difference? That's what I have to find out.

This is me. The only human in Equestria.


[Equestria Girls is non-canon in this story and takes place after "The Crystalling".]

["25/05/2020" new cover art]

Chapters (18)
Comments ( 83 )

Do you need an editor? I’m interested if you need one.

8634785
I do, actually. I've been looking for one for a while. Are you interested?

I could probably help with the editing too buddy!

I just wasn't gonna accomplish anything that I, or anyone else, could be proud of.

--The second comma is redundant

And how can I forget my trademark black bandanna to go around my neck? I always wearing so people can know who I am and I never take it off unless I'm taking a shower or sleeping. Plus, it keeps me warm.

-- You're missing a word or two, depends on how you want it.
--

I am always wearing it so people can know who I am

or
--

I always wear it so people can know who I am

After locking the door to my room, I make my way outside and begin my trek into darkness. In times like this, I always listen to instrumental music 1.for occasional purposes. After at least 30 minutes of wandering aimlessly, I found a nice, old bus bench that hasn't was never removed. I sighed 2.as I sat down on it and looked upwards, gazing at the night sky. It was so beautiful. I could sit here all night.

-- 1.Always listen occasionally doesn't really fit. It would work better with something like this: "I always listen to instrumental music on my nightly walks." or something like that.
--2.Instead of "as I sat", "and sat" goes better. It's not a grammar issue, but it helps the sentence sound smoother.

I felt like I was going to collapse. I waited for my body to hit the ground... but it I didn't feel the impact.

--When your story is in the first person present theme, one usually refers to ones body as 'I', and not 'it'.

Night-time in Equestria.

-- As a location setting for the beginning of the section, this should be in the middle of the page.

In Ponyville, Princess Twilight Sparkle had organized a special get-together and invited all 7 of her closest friends to her castle; Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Spike and Starlight Glimmer. One by one, they each showed up individually.

--They way this is told seems rigid, like old-timey words, sometimes its better to use less to convey just as much. It makes for smoother and easier reading.

"Alright, everypony. Are you all ready for the first Winter Moon Celebration?", she stated out loud to her friends.She asked excitedly.

--She can't state it if it's a question. Also some expression should be added to make the characters, characters.

"Tonight, history will be made! As you all know, Princess Luna returned from her banishment precisely 2-and-a-half years ago. Two and a half years ago. And she Her and Celestia have both agreed to make this particular day the longest night of the year!", she announced.

--You don't need hyphens there, and when using numbers like that, its best to use the word. It's not necessary, it just smooths it out, so to speak.
--You don't need to announce that Twilight is speaking in this paragraph, it was already determined that it was her speaking in the last paragraph.

"Everypony, get inside, quick!", yelled Twilight.

-- Redundant comma.

Panicked, the group of friends stood up from their cushions and rush back inside and attempted to close the doors. Before it could be fully closed, however, the doors were blasted off it's hinges and the bright, flying object crashed into the castle, briefly blinding everypony from the light, knocking them unconscious.

--The ',however,' breaks the train of words and adds nothing to the paragraph.
-- Just need a , in the end there.

I hope this helps. I may have missed something, i have never done editing before. :P

8636202
Good to see someone who cares. Thanks a lot, mate! This really helped.

Grat job plz wright more
From
Minecrart24 :moustache:

I liked it,

Keep up the good work.

The Monk

8920760
Weird name suggestion.

8982658
Who said anything about my name suggestion!?

The Star in Yellow. This one looks like it was written by a child with too much time on his/her hands... er, hooves. It just had a big crudely-drawn yellow star in the centre with the title written below it like it was fine print. Who's book is this?

O_O Don't Read It! Toss It In Lava!
-----*____________
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Good story 2x

would like to see more of this story seems really good man keep it up :D

9059911
Thanks. I intend to keep it going.

Good update

I can't wait to see how school goes.

The Monk

oh no i feel a disturbance in the flow i predict the next chapter or story arc is going to be pinkie pie trying and failling to get zero to forgive her. i think i know why there is a drama tag here. we in for drama next chapter. plz don't be as cringy as "a friend in deed" that physically hurts me seeing a very obsessive pinkie

I really like this story. Its well done and rather unique. I like how you kept the adult memories but match the emotional age to his physical one. I haven't found very many HIE stories dealing with children. Of those very few stories, there are almost no good ones. This story is on my personal "Good Ones List" So keep up the good work.

Minor typo.......Missing word

"Well, that makes sense. But right now, Zero needs some time to calm down? He just had a really experience with Pinkie Pie and he's very upset."

<<<< If anyone knows any HIE ( age -egressed / child) stories that are any good, send me a private Mail. Assholes in Equestria stories don't apply >>

The Monk

9280612
Don't worry, it's still coming.

9282151
Ok i am curious ia the main character turn into pony or still human

9282184
Still human. He also went from an adult to a child.

Comment posted by Alfaridwan Setiabudi deleted Mar 29th, 2019
Comment posted by Alfaridwan Setiabudi deleted Mar 29th, 2019

I love the art piece did u draw it or did a friend do it for you ?

9426787
I drew it. It's also on my DeviantArt page.

if i was him i would have been worried if that was the last time i talked to my mom cuz if anything connecting him to his old world fades away or reconnects occasionally from time to time his phone still works off of his data plan and he has no way to pay it off depending on how much he has in his bank he cant pay for it for forever

"Oh, good, you're awake."

You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there.

9533000
Hah. I get it. Skyrim reference.

So why was it that Starlight's tale on her backstory making me feel queezie?

It's spelled queasy.

The Star in Yellow. This one looks like it was written by a child with too much time on his/her hands... er, hooves. It just had a big crudely-drawn yellow star in the centre with the title written below it like it was fine print. Who's book is this? Anyway, moving on.

I got that reference

9536590
Hey, if you have issues with grammar, I suggest grammarly

I was wondering what HiE meant. Now I, sorry, WE, know.

I was more scared and confused than a homeless man under house-arrest.

That is amazing. I can imagine the situation perfectly.
I'm not normally one to find humor in other suffering, but the previous statement is a complete fabrication.
I do typically find humor in other suffering. Than I try to share it with them. To make it feel a little better. It doesn't usually work.

"There we go!" She said "Now whenever I'm in my room, I will always have this drawing to remember you by. Not that you would just disappear out of thin air and never come back, right?"

Well, That is what I always think is going to happen in the last chapter of stories, but it never happens. I think Ian has stopped expecting it, but I'm not sure.

9463249
Or a more pressing problem, the fact that he can't keep it charged forever. And even if they do try and charge it with magic, there is a chance that they might mess up and end up frying it.

Having enough of my sight-seeing, I looked down to the ground as I walk. In my younger years, staring between my feet and what's in front of me has always been a habit. Probably because I didn't want to step on something hazardous, even if I wore shoes. I guess I can write down 'constantly overcautious' to my list of habits.

Sounds like me now. In 17. I have always preferred looking down or up to looking straight. I used to look down or up so much when I was younger when I looked straight, it felt like my eyes would fall out.

"You OK, Zero"? Starlight asked.

You do know how quotes work...right?

This is good. I hope to see more in the future

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