Octavia's Obscure Week

Slender Pony7

Slender Pony7 #1 · Oct 8th, 2012 · · ·

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FIRST COMMENT!!!!!!!!! YES!

Sky Blue Angel

Sky Blue Angel #2 · Oct 8th, 2012 · · ·

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Hmm...

Not exactly the most interesting topic. However, you have a great descriptive writing style!

Just a few mistakes here and there, but keep it up!

ihaveofficiallyretired

ihaveofficiallyretired #3 · Oct 8th, 2012 · · ·

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I've definitely seen worse, but there are definitely a few issues. I'm not gonna make you do any of this, but here are my suggestions. Feel free to use any and all of what I say. So here we go!
IT'S REVIEW TIME!

1) You've got some weird capitalization things going on.

Don't ask me why she was because I have no Idea.

*idea

"what happened Vinyl?"

*What
So on and so forth. You get the idea.

2) You've got this thing going on:

I turned away walking to the bathroom. I had to get to school so I needed to shower. Not five seconds after walking in there I heard a crash. I put my head down thinking "oh Vinyl is so tired she must have fallen". I was walking over to the shower when I heard "Tavi!!!" I was scared at this point and ran to the door. I looked outside and my eyes went right to Vinyl. She was laying on top of my cello. It was broken and blood was running down her leg. I ran over and helped her up and walked her to the bathroom with me. "what happened Vinyl?" I asked wiping the blood off her leg. "I kinda fell over and right into your" she paused. "Cello..." I admit I was sad to hear she broke my cello. I couldn't be mad at her though, after all we have been good friends for a long time. "Don't worry Vinyl, I can get it fixed." I cleaned her after I said that. "Come on Vinyl." I smiled and kisses her cheek and sent for the door. She followed me out. I walked over to my cello and a tear come down my face. Vinyl came over and hugged me. "Don't be sad Tavi, please." She had a sad look on her face, her raspberry eyes looking into mine. I smiled when she said that hugging her back. "Thank you Vinyl." I started to walk her out of my room toward hers. I helped her into her bed seeing as she was still tired. I have to hurry and get ready if I'm not going to be late for school I thought. "Sleep well Vinyl" I said looking at her. I kissed her again and turn to walk out of her room. "Thanks Octavia." she said. I was pretty happy to know she was ok. I got into my room looking at my cello. I walked over putting my hoof on a piece of it sighing. No time for this Octavia, you have to get ready I thought. I went into the bathroom to shower.

Each time a different character speaks, you need to have a new paragraph, like so (I also took the liberty of fixing a few grammatical things marked in red~~and with the mystical strike through~~):

I turned away walking to the bathroom. I had to get to school so I needed to shower. Not five seconds after walking in there I heard a crash. I put my head down thinking "oh Vinyl is so tired she must have fallen". I was walking over to the shower when I heard ~~"Tavi!!!"~~ her scream.
"Tavi!"
I was scared at this point and ran to the door. I looked outside and my eyes went right to Vinyl. She was laying on top of my cello. It was broken and blood was running down her leg. I ran over and helped her up and walked her to the bathroom with me. "wWhat happened Vinyl?" I asked, wiping the blood off her leg.
"I kinda fell over and right into your..." She paused. "Cello..." I admit I was sad to hear she broke my cello. I couldn't be mad at her though, after all we have been good friends for a long time.
"Don't worry Vinyl, I can get it fixed." I cleaned her after I said that. "Come on Vinyl." I smiled and kissesd her cheek and sent for the door. She followed me out. I walked over to my cello and a tear come down my face. Vinyl came over and hugged me.
"Don't be sad Tavi, please." She had a sad look on her face, her raspberry eyes looking into mine. I smiled when she said that hugging her back.
"Thank you Vinyl." I started to walk her out of my room toward hers. I helped her into her bed seeing as she was still tired. I have to hurry and get ready if I'm not going to be late for school I thought. "Sleep well Vinyl" I said looking at her. I kissed her again and turn to walk out of her room.
"Thanks Octavia." she said. I was pretty happy to know she was ok. I got into my room looking at my cello. I walked over putting my hoof on a piece of it sighing. No time for this Octavia, you have to get ready I thought. I went into the bathroom to shower.

Make sense? It will take some getting used to if you aren't used to it, but then most new things do.

3) Just some grammar things going on. I forget what they specific things are called but here is what I'm talking about:

Well, I'll just say this now, my name is Octavia and this is the weird things that have happened to me in the past week.

The word "this" is singular, and "things" is a plural. These two need to match. Also, a colon works best combining this sentence (just look below to see what I mean).

Well, I'll just say this now,: my name is Octavia and ~~this is~~these are the weird things that have happened to me in the past week.

Another, different thing:

We were about another block away. We have been silent this whole time.

The problem here is tenses. "We were" implies past tense, and "We have been" is basically present. The tenses throughout the story need to be the same.

We were about another block away. We ~~have~~had been silent ~~this~~the whole time.

This is a time using Italics to differentiate narration and thought would come in handy:

I sighed think Octavia where did you put this? I looked all around my room.

This as it is makes little-to-no sense.

I sighed. Think Octavia, where did you put this? I looked all around my room.

Ah! Much better (probably)!

4) The age old "Show, don't tell" scenario.

Now, we were walking to my house. We were about another block away.

Pretty bland if you ask me. You told us what was going on with little description.

The majestic night sky was just beginning to show as we walked down the street. An awkward silence hung over the both of us, as I was still very worried about the cello and slightly embarrassed about what had just happened. I checked to make sure that Vinyl was still there, and sure enough her slender, white form walked beside me. I looked up long enough to see where we were. We still had another block until we reached house. Another block of silence...

Okay....maybe that wasn't the best, but I think it was at least a little more interesting.

That about wraps up this review. Everything I mentioned was a reoccurring issue in the story (it happened more than once). And please don't think I am saying your story sucks; it doesn't. It just needs a little bit of work. Best of luck to ya, mate. Now if you will excuse me, I have an essay due in roughly 8 hours and I need to start it.

-tnuyum, Official TWE Reviewer

PS>>1402914 I'm pretty sure that's a ban-able offense, claiming first comment. I could be mistaken.

OctaviaMlp