Luna knows what is coming, and only She is willing to pay the price. For above all else, Luna Watches Over Us.
I have this posted in several other places, thought I would try my luck here.
This is my first submission for FIMFiction, and my first work of fiction outside of an assignment, ever. So all comments are welcome, even a bad review can hand over good advise as long as it explains why.
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Hey there! I'm Scribblestick, here on behalf of WRITE to give you some friendly feedback. Let's get started, shall we?
I'll begin with your cover. Your chapter titles are possessive and should have apostrophes (Twilight's Fade, Apple's Fall, etc.). You have a comma splice ("So all comments are welcome, even a bad review..."), too. While not necessary, a cover image can do wonders in drawing attention to your story (people have read my story "Stetson" simply because of the cover image). An avatar might help, too, but I'm not really sure. These are small things, but they can make a big difference. In my experience, FIMFic readers have higher expectation than other fanfic sites, so every detail counts.
-Chapter 1-
>>General<<
I thought this was a pretty good start. You put a main character (my personal favorite) in mortal danger, and Luna was clear enough to move the story along but mysterious enough to make me want to keep reading. That can be a difficult balance to strike, and I thought you did it well. Definitely made me want to keep reading.
Twilight's thoughts and words seemed too casual. She's a bookworm, and she usually speaks like an academic. Try imagining she's always speaking to the president or queen or prime minister or whatever important political figure strikes your fancy. I think that'll help you capture her voice a little better.
>>Specifics<<
>"Plan's" is plural, not possessive, so you don't need the apostrophe.
>"Where" should be "were."
>You mean to say "be implemented."
>Is this supposed to take place before "Luna Eclipsed"? Because Twilight would know from that episode that Luna was fully capable of using the ROYAL CANTERLOCK VOICE.
>"Ponies" should be possessive: "Pony's."
>Also, this sudden, brief switch to Luna's perspective is confusing.
>You have a fragment here. "She was always mindful..."
>"He knew"
>"World of pain"?
>"Guards" should be possessive: "Guard's."
>I don't think "gore" is the word you're looking for. "Bile" or "vomit," perhaps?
>You should only have one speaker per paragraph. I recommend the following:
>I'm not really sure why the extreme emphasis formatting starts halfway through "assistance."
-Chapter 2-
>>General<<
I like what you've done with AJ. Her motives and reactions fit her character well. I think you could build up her frustration a bit more before she loses it with Luna (for example, mention earlier that she's mad at Luna for not helping).
Luna seems too straightforward about her plan to overthrow Celestia. She just throws it out there without even explaining why. With Twilight, it made sense because they were in the middle of nowhere, but now, they're at Sweet Apple Acres with dozens of ponies nearby. I'm kind of surprised no one noticed the fight/spell.
>>Specifics<<
>You have a run-on sentence here (specifically, a comma splice). Every sentence should have one idea. Here, we have 1) the day cooling and 2) the breeze and its effects. Each should have its own sentence: "The day slowly cooled into the evening. A refreshing breeze..."
>The plural of "leaf" is "leaves."
>"Trademark" is one word.
>"Months" is possessive: "month's."
>Do you mean " commented to the sapling"?
>"Eye's" is plural, not possessive. "Eyes."
>I think you mean "Knowing how Twi could get when"
>"Knowing how Twi could get we she was investigating" is called an introductory phrase. Whenever you start with a preposition or an -ing verb, you probably have one of these. Introductory phrases aren't wrong or anything. Most of the time they put the rest of the sentence in context of time or place (When I was at the store, while I was sleeping). However, they should always be followed with a comma. I noticed a few of these in Chapter 1 but didn't point them out then. A careful proofreading should help you catch them all.
>"Cockatrice" doesn't need to be capitalized.
>You should put a semicolon between "again" and "once." They are two different sentences, but they're related enough to merit a semicolon.
>"Once in a lifetime" is the common phrase.
>You should put a comma between "her" and "thank." This is because "Thank you" is an extra phrase added to the end of a sentence.
>",,.and told her to worry more..."
>Possessive. "Twilight's."
>Having "by sun up" and "by that night" in the same sentence is confusing. I would suggest making "Twilight failed to return by sun up" its own sentence.
>"The five friends" - While I know who they are, you have yet to introduce them in your story, so it's a little jarring. Perhaps "her friends"?
>Another introductory phrase.
>"Wide-range" should be hyphenated.
>"Earth bound" can be written as one word or hyphenated.
>I recommend starting a new sentence with "Rarity": "Rarity even got very dirty in the process..."
>Since jokes can be counted, you should use fewer, not less.
>>>>>>>>Move somewhere else?
>"Of course" is called a nonessential interrupter. That means it breaks the flow of the sentence and isn't necessary to understand its meaning. This isn't wrong, but whenever you have a nonessential interrupter, it should be set apart with commas.
>"Farm" doesn't need to be capitalized.
>"Which" almost always has a comma before it.
>You don't need the word "pair" here.
>"With a quick word of apology to their team" is a nonessential interrupter.
>Introductory phrase. (I'm only pointing out the ones that don't start with a preposition or -ing verb, by the way. There are others.)
>"Youngen" broke the tone for me.
>"Bawl" (cry heavily)
>Comma splice.
>Since his dialogue usually consists of "Eeyup" and "Nope," you should elaborate a little more on Mac's "way with words." Maybe explain that he's good at comforting Apple Bloom or something.
>You need a comma between "house" and "desperate."
>Lying, not laying.
>You need a comma before or after "quietly," depending on whether you want it to describe how they're standing or how they're watching.
>Surely, not surly
>Princesses is supposed to be possessive and, I think, singular. "Princess's."
>What protection spell?
>Possessive. "Granny's."
>Introductory phrase.
>Possessive. "Granddaughter's."
>One speaker per paragraph.
>"Knowing..." is a fragment. Replace the period after "there" with a comma to fix it.
>This is a question and needs a question mark.
>When the sentence following a quotation does not contain attribution ("I like eggs!" The dragon jumped up and down.), it is considered its own sentence and capitalized.
>You need a comma before "needing."
>Introductory phrase.
>I'd put these two in the same sentence. "...once more, and her chest..."
>Possessive. "Granny's." This seems to be a common slip-up for you, so I won't point them all out from now on.
>When a conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) connects two complete sentences, it is preceded by a comma.
>I think you mean "simply."
>"Just" and "simply" mean the same thing in this context, so you only need one.
>"Family" shouldn't be capitalized.
>When a quotation is followed by attribution ("I like eggs," said Spike."), it ends in a comma instead of a period.
>Comma after "again."
>Period after "Mac" (comma splice).
>This sentence is confusing and vague. Is she smiling?
>I guess this is as good a time as any to talk about show vs. tell. Basically, what this means is you shouldn't tell the reader something you can show them. For example, "Pinkie Pie was happy." vs. "Pinkie Pie's grin widened, and she bounced up and down with high-pitched squeals and laughs." The first is a rather dull statement. The second paints a clear picture in the reader's mind and lets him/her infer for him/herself what Pinkie feels. This second technique makes your writing more interesting and engaging and lets the reader get to know your characters rather than simply reading about them.
I bring this up here because I think it will help with this sentence in particular. You could say something like, "Applejack felt a smile coming to her face for the first time since Twilight's disappearance, and she gave Big Mac a hug." Combined with her spoken words in the previous sentence, it conveys the meaning I think you're going for without being vague, confusing, or telly.
>Honcho
>This phrase doesn't need to be capitalized.
>"Do'in" - The apostrophe comes after the "n" to indicate a missing "g."
>You spell out "doing" later in the sentence. Be consistent. Spell it out or don't.
>Comma before "and."
>Comma splice. "...he remembered. This was..."
>Family doesn't need to be capitalized.
>This would work better as three sentences. "...carrying bags. One was a rough..." and "...strong hoof. The other was..."
>Comma after "why."
>When attribution follows a quotation ("I like eggs!" said Spike."), it doesn't count as a new sentence, even when the quotation ends with a question mark or exclamation point.
>This is a question and needs a question mark.
>You have several spoken questions that lack question marks.
>Introductory phrase.
I wasn't aware that being the head of the family meant she could demand royalty could meet her on the farm. It just seems like an unusual amount of authority to me.
>"Says" has no apostrophe.
>Wouldn't "no ma'am" make more sense in this context?
>Semicolons can only join two complete sentences. "If I find out..." is an introductory phrase, not a complete sentence, so it needs a comma, not a semicolon.
>"Princess or no Princess" is a nonessential interrupter.
>You need a comma after "applebuck'n."
>The quotation should end with a comma instead of a period.
>I really like this line.
>This is a fragment. "They searched around..."
>"Both siblings" and "neither" are redundant. I'd keep "neither" or "neither sibling."
>I don't think you need to say "after prior agreement." It seems implied.
>There's an extra space between the first quote mark and "If."
>Why would she be stupid to go somewhere alone? Didn't she go to Granny's grave alone?
>I know she's mad, but insulting the princess doesn't seem like a wise course of action.
>Wrong "through." You want "threw."
>This is a bit telly. Maybe you could show AJ's surprise through her body language as well.
>I'm not sure what this phrase means.
>I think you mean "Y'all are meaning."
>This seems like a pretty hasty conclusion. Based on what evidence? Again, is this supposed to be set before "Luna Eclipsed?"
>"She" shouldn't be capitalized.
>Quite.
>"...it was raging!"
>Be careful with your exclamation points. They're very easy to overuse.
>Forms. Multiple ponies, multiple forms.
>Fragment. Connect this to the previous sentence with a comma.
>"Then" means "this thing happened after another thing." "Than" is used in comparison. You want "than" here.
>Threw back. Past tense.
>I'd get rid of the "Well shucks." It doesn't fit with AJ's emotions or the overall tone.
>Grain of truth.
>"Apple" is their family name, so it should be capitalized.
>I think you mean "gave her a wide berth."
>Why does she suddenly not have a choice?
>Whose eyes
>"Whose eyes were still whirling around inside of her own head" is a nonessential interrupter.
>How does Mac threaten her composure, exactly?
>Movin'.
>This phrasing is awkward. Also, you've already established Luna's surprise at AJ's strength.
Well, I have to take a break now, but I'll be back later.
All right! Time for part 2!
-Chapter 3-
>>General<<
Apple family politics, huh? Never thought I'd see that, but it was surprisingly interesting. Overall, an enjoyable chapter.
>>Specifics<<
>When attribution preceeds a quotation (Spike said, "I like eggs!"), the attribution is followed by a comma.
>I'd put dashes between "Ponyville/no" and "Equestria/zipping."
>"Alright" technically isn't a word. "All right."
>"Brash."
>"Youngens."
>"It's" with an apostrophe.
>Spokespony.
>Doesn't need to be capitalized.
>Split lip.
>One word.
>Haste.
>"You," not "yourself."
-Chapter 4-
>>General<<
Author's notes - I've nothing against them, but some people might. I think the last update added a section for author's notes. Maybe you could play with it.
Luna's plot is intrigueing. I'm interested to see where you take it.
>>Specifics<<
>"Farther" is used to indicate a literal distance. "Further" is used to indicate a metaphorical distance. You want the metaphorical one here.
>"Make do."
>Here's another one of those show vs. tell things. The very fact that Celestia is shouting implies shock, especially in context, so there's no need to say she was shocked.
>I'm not sure what this means, and it breaks the flow and tone.
>"When will"
>"Be allowed to be reinstated" is unnecessarily wordy. "When will they be reinstated?"
>Hyphenated.
>Why is Celestia addressing her sister as "your Highness"?
>"Whose loyalty."
>"Soothe."
>Who said anything about Zecora?
>This rhyme seems forced and awkward. Try making the two lines near-equal length.
>One word.
>"Overhears" is one word.
>It's also in present tense, which is awkward in a story written in past tense.
>Tense shift.
>Wasn't it "Crababble" (one word) earlier?
-Chapter 5-
>>General<<
You say Dash isn't a mindless drone, but she seems to give up so easily after Luna's spell. Dash is stubborn, and I'd expect her to give more of a fight and be more shocked, even if she does agree to go along with Luna's plan.
>>Specifics<<
>"She looked scared."
>You mentioned in your author's note that you don't like no-space speed talking. I'm not a fan either. I don't think you need to do it at all here.
>Also, there's some weird spacing going on here.
>One-time is hyphenated.
>This line came off as awkward and not very Dash-like.
>>Final Thoughts<<
Well, five chapters down. This is definitely an interesting story, one I'll probably track. Dash's character seems a bit off after the spell, but other than mechanics, I don't see any problems. Good luck!
~Scribblestick, WRITE's notoriously friendly reviewer
Well, I will watch, and hope it gets better, but really I don't think it can.
Luna be hearing voices! She be CRAZY!!
You asked for opinions, so here's mine.
*sigh* I really WANT to like this work - I really do. I've never shied away from Dark pieces before. I think I can see what you are trying to do, and it has the bones of an interesting plot.
But to be honest - i don't like it. Aside from the grammar, spelling, and writing stylistic issues that Scribblestick has already pointed out, I draw the line at characters being FAR stupider than they should be.
Why in the heck would Luna START with Twilight Sparkle, and why did she use possibly THE most boneheaded way possible to ENSURE that it would be a failure?
I mean - seriously. Twilight is her sister's "Faithful Student" and pretty much the leader of the mane 6. Sure logic *might* work on Twilight, given Twilight's personality - but Luna obviously had NO workable plan B for the high probability that Twilight's faith in her long time mentor would prevent her from agreeing with Luna to OVERTHROW said mentor. Even IF it is for the most logical of reasons.
And then resorting to torture? Because yeah - torture ALWAYS works to make your side sound appealing... :eyeroll:
Starting with such an obviously stupid move REALLY broke the story for me. Which is a pity - because most of Luna's OTHER actions were "evil mastermind" worthy.
If Luna had any sense - she would've asked Twilight to do something for her that isolated her away from the others and then proceeded to work on them first. Something like asking Twilight to do some research in Trottingham or Canterlot (bonus points if would be a subject that may be useful in convincing Twilight later). With some minor timing tweaks (notably Granny Smith's death occurring BEFORE said request because Twilight WOULD be there at least initially to help Applejack through her grief, and the Apple family matriarchal meeting occurring after Twi left) the rest of the story could fall into place in a similar fashion as it did. As long as Twi's not present as a counterweight to Luna - the story works.
At least that way - Luna could've used the emotional weight of Twilight's friends already being involved in the conspiracy to counteract the emotional weight of turning against her beloved mentor during the key 'conversion' attempt. And it could still fail - If Luna did it without them present (possibly using "tokens" of their support like Applejack's hat, a feather from Rainbow - etc) Twilight's refusal, torture and fall to unknown power could still occur. But at least Luna wouldn't have *started* the story looking 'box of rocks' stupid...
1989302
Well, there's crazy and then there's crazy, and I think Luna is just a tad bit more of the former.
Besides, it is easy to argue with yourself when you are on a first name basis with your own personal demon.
1990866
Thank you for your input. And even though you said you haven't liked it so far, I hope you will give it another chance.
I will admit that the start is very rough and a bit clunky, but I believe that is due to my writing skill's more than anything. In the hopes that I can convince you to keep coming back, let me answer your biggest concern with a small peak into my planning. For the way I envisioned this story, Luna had to start with Twilight and she did have a plan B, the spell she was preparing when Twilight bolted and which Luna has been using on the others. When I first conceived this idea I thought I was being very clever with the way I told my first chapter and I appear to be succeeding in the conclusions I wanted people to make, but with the unintended result of making people believe Luna went senile. It was more of a clumsy attempt at cognitive misdirection which worked a little too well I think.
I can't say any more here without spoiling my big plot twist, but if you wish to know more just PM me and I can explain in more detail.
Once again, thank you for your input and I hope I will hear from you again.
Twilight lives! After being missing for so long...
Hmmm... it's an interesting premise, but I can't help but feel that a lot of this could have been avoided had Luna been forthright about what she suspected in the beginning. The way she handled Twilight was especially poor, and I still find it hard to believe that the other mane6 are still siding with Luna after admitting that she tortured then attempted to kill her. That especially is grating on my suspension of disbelief, unless Luna brainwashed them totally; and there is little evidence of that. It would help if we knew what Luna showed them, and let in on why she's so sure that it has to happen this way. Long story short, I'm still unconvinced that Luna is in the right here. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png
That aside, you really need to get a proofreader. There are numerous misused words, some so jarring that they take me right out of the story. There are also several passages that are just so confusing to read, that I have no idea what you're trying to convey. You also confuse too and to (a personal pet peeve of mine) a number of times.
All that being said, this story is rather interesting, and will go on my watch list. I'm also curious. Did you receive my PM reply? I got no reply as of yet. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia.png
2482540 To answer things in reverse order;
Yes I did get your PM, but between work, allergies, and various other stuff I haven't been able to reply. Sorry about that.
I do have someone reading these before I post them, but I guess he is more of an editor than a proofreader. And we kind of had a disagreement about the last half of this chapter, so I am not sure how much of it was actually covered. I am going to try and enlist some additional to help with this. Hopefully very soon.
As for your comments about Luna and the cast, I know. This has been the most problematic point people have made with me, but I didn't know any other way to tell my story. Don't worry though, I plan on revealing the truth about what has been happening in another chapter or two.
Also, THANKS for the fav and thumbs up!
update soon maybe?
2611983
I keep hoping so. However while I have started the next chapter, my muse is currently MIA and it is really starting to bug me. I know what I want to write, but I just can't seem to get it from my brain to the sheet.
I will try to not take to much longer, but all I can really say is that writer's block SUCKS!
2617552 I completely understand how you feel, but at least you have a muse. When I look at paper my mind goes blank instantly. Also, have a mustache
2618880
You know, when I replied to you I seriously thought that this would be out in only another month and not the TWO MONTHS PLUS it ended up taking.
Sorry for stringing everybody along like this.
Yay new chapter! (First...ish)
I loved it. Cant wait for more.
You're quite welcome, Tsuguri. It wan an interesting experience being on that side of another person's story, to say the least.
I... still can't see Luna as the good guy in this. There's just so much wrong with everything she does, especially seeing as how she's treated by the narrative compared to Blueblood, who is painted as the designated villain despite hardly doing anything except skulk and smirk. I'm still not sure why the Elements are on her side.
I mean, there's a point where all those claims about the greater good and how she'll apologise later become meaningless. Maybe she knows of some obscure threat noone else has any idea of, but after all this, I hope for a peaceful resolution that puts both Blueblood and Luna out of commission.
Has this story died? Because that would be quite a shame.
6120239
No. It's not dead. Is just... in a coma for now while I get over some writers block and a crisis of confidence. I think I have most of it figured out, but I never seem to have the time to write when I have the desire, or never have the desire when I have the time.
Thanks for the inquiry and the support though. I'll try not to disappoint.
One loyal fan, still waiting. 😏
.......Ok I want to rant but I don't be that person so I'll just wait till there's more before forming an opinion. Please let more come soon 'cause I want to like this I really do but I need more to go on than what is here.