Applejack and Rainbow Dash are really great friends, but when they start hanging out more, they start to develop feelings for each other. Can their love last, or will it fall in a downward spiral.
First things first: FIRST.
The only thing I want to say about this is make it a little longer. There needs to be more description, especially in the beggining.
However, this is a good start. It was worth reading for sure.
That wasn't too bad actually. Nothing overly special, but a solid enough attempt.
Now, before far more evil people come in, here are some tips.
-Your lack of indenting is displeasing. New paragraph? INDENT! New person talking? INDENT! New point to make?
-I, as a word, is always, always capitalized. Your failure to do that will hold you back more so then anything.
Thats all I can think of at any rate.
I'll say this. It's rushed and when doing thoughts do it like this to make it easier to read.
'How do I do this?'
Well, there are several grammatical errors, and it was rather predictable ... but it's AppleDash, so thumbs up nonetheless.
For a moment there I thought the cover had Applejack with buttons sewn over her eyes. This was much better.
>> thatguywiththeeyes2121 hey thx for helping comments. Its alot betting r than what i had originally written, and i think it trned out well, but i think ur right, i might have indented a little too much. Anyway thx for your comment.
You forgot to capitalize quite a few i's
You also made the mistake of misspelling words in two occasions that I can think of
But, it's still a nice story
Your weakness is definitely grammar
Your story-telling however, I'll be watching this story
Thx ^_^! Its an appledash, how could u not like it. Btw, i think i might rlly enjoi: Till Death Do You Part. Seems like a good read.
Well, I don't have any works yet, but i wanna give you my opinion.
You have some grammatical problems (and english is not my mother language). Maybe reading and studying another stories may help you improve your grammar.
Try to not specify who talks in every dialogue, and most important, don't point obvious actions.
- Who? - Applejack ask
- Me - Spike answer
- Ok! - Applejack replied
Is boring to read. Try to create a scenario when the characters dialogues are recognizable, with that, you don't gonna have to point every action and the reader gonna understand who is talking, without your guide.
But i must say, i like the simplicity of your work. I wanna see how far can you go with this couple.
Greetings. (and sorry for the spanglish )
A little rushed. Take your time, this is too good a story to be squandered.
Rainbow Dash is kinda out of character. Other than that, LOVING IT!
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Admin
If anyone is interested in being a proofreaderd, massage me and let me know. thx.
If anyone is interested in being a proofreaderd, message me and let me know. thx.
To all who have commented. This is how i have decided to write this fic, if you have a problem with that, keep it to yourself. thx.
Why do people keep hating on this.
This isn't amazing, but it's much better than the like/dislike bar gives it credit for.
Seems a little ... rushed... but I think there is potentila in this. Dude, take your time on your next piece k?
That last bit. AB is still there....
Lol, that last kiss felt awesome!, don't know why
So now random capitalisation is thrown on the pile of grammar errors
I like the story but the 'kiss, get together, afraid to let others know' scenario has been overdone
Btw, Let me know what you think of the pic that went with this story.
Holy crap. Your writing is shaping up nicely. I hope people give you more credit for this in the future. It's worth reading, that's for sure.
Keep churning it out. I'm reading!
Use more synonyms, that will help you to not repeat the same words too much. And you really improve with the dialogues! /) *Brohoof
And yeah it's a little sad... ... just a little... ... WHY EVERYPONY HAS TO CRY!?
The AppleDash is gone?
i'll be updating soon, so all of you who are following, keep an eye out.
But I like it, not bad.
Sorry about this chapter I was on a time schedule so it was kinda rushed. Rlly Rlly sorry!
will be changing it a bit so reread pls!
maybe loosen up on AJs accent a lil and watch out for spelling. I noticed "u" used and "cryin"
Hey! You improved! This chapter was really funny.
If you want some help in the future, please let me know! I will be glad to help you!
First when I started reading this I thought that this won't be probably worth to read, but I am very glad that I did. Here, have a fav.
>>14072601407260 Thx Lixi, There are two more chapters to go, but if i can't finish it in the two chapters I might add more. keep on reading.
>>14073681407368Well I am glad to hear that. I can't wait for new chapter. :D
lie there with Rainbow forever and ever.
This bit really took me out of the feel of the story. Just the use of
I loved the whole story, and this is probably one of the best fics I've ever read. The storyline was smooth and well planned. You really captured the personalities of the characters. Over all a really good story. *brohoof*
the sexual content in the last chapter wasnt really appropriate or necessary, but otherwise BRILLIANT.
Great ending! "Ariana", cute name.
Okay. Overall rating of the story 10/10! I loved the story! It was fun to read and was told perfectly! I have nothing to complain. Great job!
I... I'm sorry to say this. But here's my critique, please don't take it bad, I'm jsut trying to do some constructive critizism, to help you, nothing more.
You should look for a good editor, many typos, grammar errors, problems with the use of "U" "cuz" and other words you should really avoid.
Regarding the story, it started great, then the whole polyamore thing went down, and so did the quality of the story. Problem is not the whole polyamore thing per se, the problem was that in... less than half a day, there were 4 broken hearts, 86 mended hearts, 153 new couples, you catch my drift? TOO many things happened TOO fast and with a surprisingly quick recovery. Rainbow falls in love, next day, her love is requited and she feels great, next day she hate applejack, next day she loves Fluttershy, next day she loves Applejack again and forgets about Fluttershy. Fluttershy(who had love RD for YEARS) suddenly forgets and loves Twi, because love is just a thing that comes and goes like the socks you wear...
I'm sorry, I don't wanna sound mean, I just like the concept of the story, and I'd love for more people to enjoy it, so I'm giving you tips, maybe you can re-write it, or something. I just want to help your art grow
I won't give you a thumb down, but neither a thumb up. I hope you don't hate me
out of 10!
could it get any sadder
>>14888611488861 Oh great, now you've challenged him
>>15408621540862 spoiler it does
>>15408621540862 I could make it sadder. I could, but i woon't. this fic is done. sorry. lol
Why is it that each story has 31 likes and 14 dislikes?
Great love story. What happened to Twilight and Fluttershy, Rarity and Spike?
Kinda weird when you said "...Even Lyra and Bon Bon showed up."Almost like it's a total surprise that they showed up and normally their just awful c*nts or something. Anyways,great chapter as usual.
You just gotta DEN OUDDA DEN. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fP3vOObZggY
I've been looking for this!!!
Dashing through the clouds, Creating a rainbow, I just uh something something... I DUN REALLEH KNOW, HEY!
Man it was rushed
AGH! WHY DUH CHAPTAHS SO SHARWT Still this is good
[youtube=Rewind YouTube style]
Oh derp :(
Yur a gud writer but you rushed this a lil' but still good job
and ever. and ever. and my thumb hurts.
And they both had Spike send a letter to the Princess, asking her to marry them, as well as having their other friends as their brides maids. Uh wait, wait, wait... Rainbow and Applejack asked the princess to marry them..? LOLOL
Hey babe pinkie would so say that in her sexy voice
"Applejack, do you take Rainbow Dash to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to hold, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?" she asked.
"And Rainbow Dash, do you take Applejack to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to hold, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?" she asked again.
You mixed dem accents!
Uhhhhh dat ending... Did uhmm twilight give Applejack a uhhhh man part..?! Cuz rainbow gave birth
>>18286021828602I know it was rushed but it was my first fic like ever. so it wasnt as great as it could have been and yes twi gave Aj a man part. lol. ill will fix that accent thing as well thank u for pointing that out.
>>18291311829131 Hey no probs, the story was perfect just a little short, but besides I like it
>>18319281831928 glad u enjoyed it.
I AM ABOUT TO GO FROM MY NORMAL IRISH LESBIAN SELF TO A GRAMMAR NAZI!
When Fluttershy went missing, I knew what had happened. It is fairly common to have Rainbow love someone else, but Fluttershy ALSO love her, so I was all "Meh, seen that coming, might as well keep reading". The little twist at the end wasn't over the top, but intriguing enough to hold my interest. That is to say, I am easily detained by simple plot twists and cliffhangers.
Wait a minute.....Did Rainbow just break up with Applejack, start a relationship with Fluttershy, end it after a day of sobbing, Return to Applejack only to see her being betrayed, then pick back up with Fluttershy in a matter of 36 hours or so? And I'M supposed to be the sad one? I feel like someone pulled my brains out through my eyes and a conga line danced over it. Also why would Rarity be kissing Applejack so nonchalant? I hope i can scrape enough of my brain off the floor to read the next chapter and figure out what's going on.
>>18798661879866 Just so u know, this was my first ever fic. so please criticized away. lol. i never expected it to be good, but surprisingly it has gotten a lot of good feed back for a first timer. lol. i have about 7 others, 2 cancelled, but the others are pretty good. i guess.
Ooooooooookay.... I got an explanation to how Rarity kissed Applejack, but not WHY. Why would that make her feel better? Now Rainbow is unconscious in the Everfree? This story is jumping around like frightened bunnies that i'm trying to catch without any use of my limbs. Hope there are some explanations at the end of this tunnel, and not a bright pink train that kills me with happiness or something.
>>18799131879913 sorry to disappoint but that pink train has a schedule to keep, and ur the next stop. lol.
...Um...uhhhh...what the....I don't even...why....how...Where is all this going? I can't grasp why Twilight and Fluttershy are suddenly a couple. And then you threw in Spike for good measure? All that is missing is Pinkie at this point.
>>18799421879942 haha. yes. goood goooood, let the confusion flow through you!!!! lol.
Now here comes the gratuitous lovemaking scene..........Okay, it was about as long as those periods I used for the pause. Anyway RariSpike is official, i guess. Not much surprise there. Still waiting for pinkie to show up and announce to she fell in love with Big Mac or something.
"I have something for you AJ." she said obviously hiding something behind her back.
There it is! the marriage proposal. It stuck out like a sore tooth and wasn't very extravagant in any way, just kind of said "here's a ring, be my bride?".
"We've been through a lot huh." Rainbow laughed.
I laughed as well, because I had no idea how long they had been together, for there was no indication to time passing in most of the chapters. It felt to me like a couple of days, maybe two weeks tops. It may have been just that.
Well, that was one strange ride. Started off okay, then hit the brakes at the plot twist, sending me careening through the windshield, smashing into the pavement, only for it to continue going again, crushing me underneath and dragging my remains along for the rest of the ride. Why yes, that is indeed a very disturbing and detailed thought, thank you!
I have to agree with you on this one. The whole thing sort of spiraled down after the whole 'who loves who' twist. Lots of unexplained items left unanswered questions, and just sort of stagnated the rest of the story.
This chapter also seems kind of thrown in there as a quick follow up event, not too much importance to it otherwise. From the flashback, I think it is safe to assume it is around a year after their marriage and they have a foal now. Just seems like it went from best friends to lovers to heartbreak to new lovers to more heartbreak to reunited lovers to marriage to children, all in one go.
>>18801081880108 yeah sorry about that. if ur interested i just posted a new chapter to my DashFire fic. let me know what you think. And again, this was my first fic i ever wrote, so naturally its not gonna be great.
>>18798661879866 ¥all ain't no "Average Joe".
Wuh..? Rainbow lied to a branch!?
Where did I tickle my little AJ??? Oof I mean, where did Rainbow tickle AJ?
Did Rainbow end up kicking her own head in!?
When AJ ran into her house she didn't hurt herself did she!?
When fluttershy looked at rainbow in her thighs what happened? I don't remember thighs being a part of this
Woah this turned first person? Rainbow cut off your kiss that you shared with fluttershy?!
>>18901161890116 its the first fic i ever wrote. jeez. lol. im jokin. criticize away. i love the way people react to this. its funny.
Who heard dem footsteps, Twilight or Fluttershy
>>18902071890207 who do you think? lloll
How could 2 ponies be hoof in hoof when they walk on all 4 legs? Just askin
>>18902161890216 they are both walking on three hooves, with one hoof in the others hoof
Eh I love AppleDash but your SpitDash (RainbowFire sounds cooler) is better
>>18903041890304 haha. thanks.
Ummm... thank you?....I think?
I have no idea what you are trying to get at with that, so here is a picture of a kitty.