Literally dead inside and out, but that's okay.
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A story older than Gusty the Great and Emperor Grogar, one read only to foals by a few parents. Bored and with nothing interesting to do, a young filly finds a story that seems too familiar.
Experimenting with rhyming and poetry. Since it got approved via manual submission, I can only assume the dark reference in chapter one is alright.
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I appreciate what you were trying to do with the first chapter. There aren't many people on this site who try to write poetics. That being said, your execution left a bit to be desired. The story was a bit hard to follow, not helped by the awkward phrasing here and there.
The second chapter was a much better read. Nice, simple premise with a good execution. It felt a bit rushed though. I would have liked to see a slower pace with more detail.
11487470
Yeah, I can see where you're coming from. I don't know how much I'll return to this to improve it. I kinda threw it together in a day (or night) and sent it out. I'll make a note to return to this story to flesh out Chapter 2 and make Chapter 1 less... convoluted. Don't know when that will happen, but it will be in my list of things to get done.
Thanks for the input!
11487470
Added 50 words to the second chapter and cleaned up a piece or two of the first. Might come back again if I'm feeling up to it. Much of the language in the first chapter remained the same, as it is intended to be poetic rather than a clear tale. Not for some people, but oh well. The message still remains the same, albeit the story can still be understood with some thought put into it and knowledge of the words being used in a metaphorical sense.
I love this.