i like reading and my favourite ponies are rainbow dash and scootaloo
Scootaloo has a dark, blood sucking secret. She is a vampire. So far she has managed to keep her secret safe by surviving off of animal blood and keeping her true form hidden. However as each day passes it becomes harder to keep her true identity a secret. Until one fateful day she gets angry and snappes.
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Good work, you have satisfied me.
I eagerly await more
An interesting idea. I wonder what her background could be
Poor scoots
This reads more like a story outline since it mostly boils down to "these things happen." Because of that, when the crimsoning happens it reads and feels less important, despite it being something crucial. Perhaps she could have feared crimsoning and after failing to sate her need for sustenance she takes longer to search for more, leading to her friends or classmates becoming a tad suspicious or worried. Aswell it would help to expand on scoots feelings on her previous actions. Anyway you probably get the point. Have fun writing. :D
This could be a decent story if you give it some love. I think it has good bones, and could be shaped into something pretty good, but it needs a lot of attention.
The most glaring issue is that this feels like a summary, rather than a story. Slow down, take the time to show us what's happening. Remember: show, don't tell. Let us get inside Scootaloo's head for a bit and acquaint us with her, and how she's different here than she is in the show.
There are a few issues here and there, but for what it's worth, the first paragraph is pretty good. There are some things I would change, however.
First off, this is a decent hook, but let me tackle some grammatical errors. Firstly, that comma after glowing feels unnatural, even if it might be technically correct, and secondly, shone would be the word you would want to use. That being said you could restructure this paragraph to be more interesting.
How does "I sat on top of a solitary hill on the edge of Ponyville. My red eyes pierced the dim moonlight as I scanned the town before I turned my attention towards the ever mysterious Everfree and took off, flying parallel to the treeline," sound to you? I also combined the first sentence of the next paragraph into this one, as I think it fits better there.
The very next paragraph has about three different ideas that it's trying to get across. The first is the idea of Scootaloo hiding her vampire features during the day, then introduces the consequences of what could happen if she's discovered, then introduces the concept of crimsoning. The first two ideas play naturally with each other and would work pretty well as either a single paragraph, or as multiple, but the introduction of crimsoning deserves a paragraph of its own.
Another issue is that you start directly addressing the audience, which can work in some stories, but I think it just prevents the audience from really immersing themselves into the story.
The two chapters you have I think really need to be at least five. One chapter showing Scootaloo's hunt, which could put us into her mind for a while, and even show us some of her more uncomfortable thoughts. The second chapter could be the start of the school day, and a scene of Tiara and Spoon toeing the line, possibly even unintentionally. Chapter three could be the duo doubling down on their previous transgressions against the CMC and eventually destroying the line, which would cause Scootaloo to crimson, and in place of seeing what she does, we could get a flashback to the last time this happened, as her brain retreads the trauma and we get to see her kill her mother or something else horrific. Then we could get a chapter of the consequences, and Scoots adjusting to the cell, getting a few words in with Sweetie Belle before both Scootaloo and the audience are told about what happened. The next chapter could be the beginning of her exile, while Sweetie could sneak off from time to time to meet up with her.
Like I said, this feels like a summary. I want to be invested in these characters, but it's difficult to do so when there isn't much of a story, as much as there is a list of things that happen.
11450983
Thanks for the advice and I will consider making some changes. I also do like how you changed that first paragraph. If you don't mind, could I actually implement it into the first paragraph?
11453346
Yeah sure, go right ahead and use those suggestions. I'll come back in a few days and see what's changed.
Is Scootaloo the only vampire loli that appears in this story?
11453456
No
Zecora is tricky, ain't she?
Poor scoots, hope she won't accidently turn one of her friends.
Or got more OCs in mind?
Keep it up!
Heartless Rainbow Dash!
What a twist. Also, if you don't mind,i noticed something
11464128
Thanks for telling me I'll fix those mistakes now
11464130
youre welcome
next chapter when, im hype
holy shit, damn scootaloo
I do enjoy this story, it's quite good, kind of reminds me of vampire knight, I wish it was still on net flix but oh well