• Member Since 29th Apr, 2020
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Void Streak


i like reading and my favourite ponies are rainbow dash and scootaloo

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Rainbow dash has been sent to Tartarus for a crime she says she didn't commit and princess Celestia will only release her if she confesses well she has a better idea which includes three things
1) ESCAPE
2) go on the run
3) prove her innocence
will she escape or will she rot in Tartarus find out in this story
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comments on how to improve are always welcome

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 25 )

10309970
Oh just brainstorming. Maybe Luna can help Rainbow Dash out and help her prove her innocence

10309983
maybe she will maybe she won't.

:) Well, this is getting very interesting now.

I can see two ways this can go either rainbow dash Clueless her name or should become Criminal just like Princess Celestia said

Comment posted by Void Streak deleted Jul 4th, 2020

10316386
Have you thought it could be both

Feels very rushed. Try slowing everything down or getting an editor

Celestia is so gonna have major karma on her a** when they finally learned that Rainbow Dash is TRULY innocent. Hope that she losses her dumb royal status.

Plus, Windy should sue the princess and also file a divorce!!!! Bow is a coward, and a BAD father!

I can't wait to see chrysalis taken down

I hope Twilight rips into Shining Armor. He wasn't under a spell the entire time and that probably angered her a bit.

I know you said you wanted constructive criticism, so I'll give you some for each chapter.

1. For this chapter, a few things I noticed is the lack of grammar. It's readable, but sometimes it's hard to tell when a sentence ends.
2. Also, the story feels a tad bit rushed, so I'd say slow down a bit and write a bit more.
3. Another thing you could do is elaborate on how everyone felt about the incident, especially Rainbow Dash and Twilight (as they were the main victims).

Okay, my thoughts on this chapter:

1. Again, improve on grammar.
2. The characters don't sound in character. Try rewriting the dialogue to better fit each pony! It sounds very robotic and too straight-to-the-point. There's no beating around the bush. Like instead of saying "'Wow, I feel really mad about that,' she said," you could say "'Wow, thanks a lot,' she said sarcastically." Add more character.
3. Again with the pacing, it's feeling rushed.
4. The logic doesn't really add up. If Equestria has been left defenseless for an entire year, why hasn't Chrysalis attacked yet? It's been too long.
5. You can add more details instead of just instantly time jumping 12 months. You can add in what her experience was like in Tartarus, that would be nice.

My thoughts on chapter 3:

1. Waaaaay too short to be a chapter.
2. Again, improve on grammar. For example, "she had the most angriest face," is not good grammar. It's, "she had the most angry face."
3. There are better ways to describe things. Like instead of saying "she was angry", try describing her looks or some other more unique descriptions like, "her voice was laced with venom."
4. Try to focus on separating sentences. Please. Otherwise it gets hard to read like this Then you can't really tell when the next sentence is and it gets really annoying to read See, it's annoying It's only not as annoying because I'm capitalizing every new sentence.

My thoughts on chapter 4:

1. I notice that sometimes you write really long paragraphs and then have one really short paragraph write after. Try to keep your paragraphs around the same size. Don't make them too big, they'll become an eyesore.
2. Fix grammar.
3. Add more characterization, but this was better than the previous chapters. Good job!

My thoughts on this chapter:

1. Grammar. Again.
2. Better characterization. I don't think a princess would verbally beat down and exploit a ponies mental weaknesses. That's very un-princess like. Even if she is a national threat.

My thoughts on this chapter:

1. PLEASE FIX THE GRAMMAR. *cough* sorry. It's starting to get difficult to read and understand.
2. Better characterization.
3. Sloooooooowwwwwwww doooowwwwwnnnnn.... (better pacing)
4. Self-insert? Meh, not something I usually like, but it's not bad or anything. Either that, or there's an OC I don't know about that already exists named "Void Streak".

My thoughts on chapter 7:

1. GRAMMAR.
2. Better characterization. Celestia has to calm down, seriously. She's acting like a 4 year old. She's over a thousand years old.
3. Better pacing.

My thoughts on chapter 8:

1. GRAMMAR AGAIN.
2. Better pacing.
3. Better characterization. EVERYONE HAS GOT NO CHILL. JEEZ CALM DOWN PRINCESS. AND EVEN SHINING ARMOR TOO. THEY GOT NO CHILL. NO REASONING AT ALL. HOW IS SHE STILL PRINCESS?! *cough* ... Point is, better characterization.

My final rating (since this story is on hiatus):

Grammar: 1/5
Pacing: 2/5
Characterization: 2/5
Plot: 3/5
BONUS POINTS for originality and story ideas getting thrown around: +4

Total Score:
12/20 --- 60%. That's an F in school grading.

Rating:
Needs Improvement in every aspect of writing, essentially. There were some good ideas thrown around, though. My personal rating is a 4/10.



If you need me to elaborate on any of the 4 aspects, feel free to message me!

11858977
To be honest, this was one of my first ever stories, i’ve ever written. I’m not sure whether, I want to continue with it or outright discontinue it, which is why it is currently in hiatus.

11859150
That’s understandable.

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