The year is 2025. The worlds pursuit of fighting wars with unmanned "droids" has become its downfall. For Iran captured a nuke-bearing drone and used it against Israel. SSG Ackerman is a tank mechanic who is attached to the U.S. Army's most elite unit- 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta, or Delta Force.
Before the war, SSG Ackerman was an avid brony. He even kept a unit patch of the cutie mark of his idol, Rainbow Dash. After sacrificing himself to bring the war closer to an end, he finds himself in Equestria, turned pony.
Will he ever be able to come to terms with the atrocities he has committed? Will he be able to keep the show a secret from everypony? Is he really in Equestria? Or is it all a simulation brought about by the droids as a way of extracting information from him?
This is my first fic, so please feel free to give me as much constructive criticism as possible. This fic switches between first and third person, and uses ALOT of military terms. Ye have been warned...
One nice heads up:
Try not to use OC pics from Pony Creator as cover art.
As soon as I saw the picture
NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE
Hm... This does not look very interesting... Although, I tend not to follow the 'Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover' quote but for this... I'd have to say its a no.
Dude. if you get a better cover art, you'd be much better off. i'll see where this goes
OC yet no OC tag?
Pony creator image.
Black and red mane?
Camouflage coat?
In the words of Han Solo
"I got a bad feeling about this."
*Has flashback to Star Wars*
Don't include pictures in the story.
Brony in Equestria after dying? You're beating a dead horse. It's all been done.
Did your character really just say 5x? Five times.
Same as previous comment. Write out percent.
The ponies act almost as if they know about most of the technology on earth? They seem to know about fighter planes, droids, etc.
At least there isn't a romance tag...
You're a decent writer, the problem is that your story line has been used by many, many, many, many, many, many, many, other people, most much worse than yours. It won't be very friendly territory you're entering.
~Thorlol TWE Mod and Grammar Hammer
Hate to be the bearer of bad news (just kidding, I do it all the time now), but things aren't really looking up for your story. A glaring issue is the cover pic of your OC. You wanted him to look like camouflage, but it kinda looks like he's got a severe case of fungal infection. And the description...meh. 'S alright...It'll might attract those interested in the military, but not much else.
But your story...oh ho ho my friend...your story. First time author, huh? If you're new to this whole writing biz, let me tell you a secret. Human in Equestria stories have been pulverized, raped, chopped up, and annihilated into unrecognizable wrecks by numerous authors. Your story really isn't all that bad. But, much like your OC stepping into Equestria, stepping into the HiE category means you're heading into the danger zone. The phrase "Seen it once, you've seen 'em all," certainly applies here.
Like my fellow explorer Thorlol said, you're not a bad writer. You just have to be an extremely marvelous author if you're going to pull off this sort of story line.
Giving you the unwept slip...
~Schlippy
1323109
I think it was pretty obvious from the get go our author doesn't have any real experience with anything military related...
1323151
SOMEONE GETS IT. Yay for Battlefield! *Blatant fanboy.*
Ahem, going professional now...first time author, yes? Let me ask you a question, seeing as everyone else has pointed out the problems with HiE.
What do you find easiest to write? A world-travelling epic with plenty of landscape building and description, characters oogling at all the glorious mountains and deep vallies?
Or perhaps a gentle-hearted romance, two ponies enjoying eachother's presence, fireplace alight on Hearth's Warming Eve?
Maybe a raucous slapstick comedy, with Spike swinging halibuts three times his size at Pinkie Pie in a grand, exaggerated game of tag!
Or maybe a simple, thorough study of a character and their life, following Rarity through her humdrum daily life, with breaks of sunlight in her bleak, monotone world via her friend Fluttershy and their weekly spa visits?
Or perhaps a trip following a background pony's history? Perhaps you want to explain what goes on in Lyra's life, or maybe even follow a pony visiting one of Vinyl's DJing sessions. Perhaps even a chain of thought with one of the Princesses?
There are many ideas that you could be chasing, and they don't all include action like a warfic. Hell, they could be a lot easier to write! Of course, this is assuming your fic is packed with action...
I'm going to tell you this now, sir. You're a good writer, but you simply need a proper starting point. Start off with a couple one-shots, a comedy, a romance, an adventure, anything you desire. BUILD your world, BUILD your storyline up to that epic, a path that your readers follow from start to finish and feel satisfied! This is a fic that belongs in the middle or end of an Author's story arc. Starting with this is like starting with Order of the Pheonix in the Harry Potter series, instead of The Philosopher's Stone! Or starting James Bond at Thunderball instead of Casino Royale!
Write what comes natural. That's about the only tip I give to fledgling authors now. You've got promise, kid...a spark that could grow into a flame that carries you to the Featured Box.
Maybe it won't happen today...maybe it won't happen tomorrow, but it'll happen someday. Good luck.
1322925 My buddy is the same M.O.S as me, a tank mechanic. He just left for selection. He wants to be a Field Surgeon.
1323613
Thank you very much.
I find it funny, I have never been one for writing, in fact, the only artistic skill I have really put to use is DJ-ing (if you can even consider putting a bunch of other peoples work together and remixing them an art...
)
I definitely see what you're getting at though. I will probably put this story on hold (or cancel it, I'm not quite sure yet.) and pick up on it again after I've written a few of those one-shots you mentioned.
Once again, thank you for the constructive criticism.
1322925
And I understand that Army soldiers are not allowed to wear unapproved unit patches (I.A.W AR 670-1), which is why I put "I got so much shit for wearing it once as a joke."
1322925
Totally off topic, why did you select Marine Marksman as a name if you are 18B in the Army?
1323699
Since I'm such a nice guy, I think I'll pitch to you a couple ideas that I'd chase if I wasn't weighed down with my own writing.
Idea 1: Pinkie invents a new game, but it needs a dragon in order to make it 'fun'. Fire breath makes everything fun!
Idea 2: Twilight discovers a new field of magic in the form of changing materials. Full Metal Alchemist inspiration here...may chase it later on.
Idea 3: Discord breaks out again, we follow him in his different methods of chaos. A character study of the big bad draconequus.
I...DID have ideas, but I'm keeping the ideas I wanna chase secret. Sorry!
1323707
One more thing...
I HATE CoD.
BF3 is where its at.
Jets FTW
1323838 u have BF3?
for wht systyme?
1323877
xbox
1323898
mind if i add u? Just wondering since i barely hace anyone tht plays BF3 on the.xbox and keep up the good work on the fic is this your first fic?
Hi buddy :
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1323904 no problem. My GT is Dubst3p Army. I'm actually online right now.
.1323904 As for the first fic question, yes and no. Before I became part of the herd, I used to be a pretty big name in the Halo fanfiction base.
>>armybrony
You were in the halo fandom? Can you point me out to any of your stories?
Well I'm not gonna lie. I like this story. Keep writing it. I love these types of stories
1324037 here is my longest halo fic I ever wrote http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7153974/1/Twenty-Nine-Seventy-One
Hmm, the idea looks good. I'll read later...
Why do people insist on writing stories like this?
We already have THOUSANDS of these, why do we need more?
1324322 They're awesome
1323787
Oh dear, um, crossovers aren't something you should attempt without inherently knowing both universes.
That, and knowing how they actually CAN crossover. Wanderer's got a blog about that, actually.
1324322
Because new authors don't know how FIMFiction works? Cool your jets man, leave the raging to the TWE.
I myself being a HIE story writer, there are two things that happen with these stories:
1: they become successful and do pretty well with only a few haters.
2: They are raped, torn to shreds, throw in the street, stomped on, then burned. in other words, they get totally trolled.
some of them deserve to get trolled, but for some reason I feel as if this one shouldn't. I would say just go back and fix some of the facts in the story and then have a few people look over it. I would if you want to. anyway, this is a good story and I'm giving it a thumbs up.
thank you for serving our country Marine and Army Brony.
1st to read, likely not 1st to comment but who cares. Great chapter as always
I like it here
and why not this
? Well like the work man keep it up.
Now I'm rather confused, and I think it's because of the story's plot structure. This chapter sticks out not only plot-wise in establishing background, but also because of how disruptive it felt to read. The Prologue and first chapter followed a chronological progression, and I understood what was going on. Then this chapter shattered the flow of both the overarching plot and the basic story. Straight out of the gate, the audience reading this will be expecting this to follow the plot from the end of Chapter 2, because that was the flow of the story thus far. Then we're given a series of short combat pieces with no explanation, preemption, or indication that this chapter is not congruent with the current place in the overall plot. I had to reread the first few paragraphs a few times, then crosscheck with the end of chapter 2, to make sure I was reading the correct story; only then did I realize that these were all flashbacks.
If you're going to do something like this, you need to indicate that this chapter will be special and NOT an immediate continuation from the previous chapter (which is what I and most other readers would be expecting). Having the flash-back text in Italics is the easiest way to convey that this section is different (and often used in displaying thoughts such as reminiscence), but considering that that would be a lot of Italicized text, a little prompt from current-time Ackerman at the beginning of the chapter as he thinks back on the past would establish the fact that these stories are his memories. Otherwise your story has a terrible disruption in plot flow, as your readers will be forced to figure out on their own that this chapter is chronologically different. A one-word chapter title is not enough.
And in terms of story-flow, this chapter felt really fast, almost to the point of rushed. I know it's kind of your current style and that these flashbacks are supposed to be short, but the combination of the two made each short story feel too short, like a series of bullet-point summary of Ackerman's background. We're told that some tanks are blown, that there's an ambush, and there's a knife-fight. But the audience isn't given time to relish in the moments and the fine details that create immersion and develop character, which ultimately piques reader interest. Instead, it feels like I'm watching an action movie where everything is fast-forwarded except for when there's an explosion on screen.
(And I didn't really care for the in-text fast-forward prompts. If this were a movie, it could work. But since this is a literary medium, the same effect isn't achieved in a non-visual medium and even comes off as a bit contrived. The commonly-accepted method is to use line-breaks.)
Don't get me wrong, I didn't hate this chapter, nor the story in general. It's just that this chapter in particular was so disruptive in its execution that I had to voice my concern. You're a decent writer with some good ideas (and surprisingly good grammar and spelling for a first fic), but you need to brush up on literary formatting and structure (e.g. plot structure, line breaks, indentations, and font styles).
With all that in mind, I'm curious to see how the story progresses.
1351169 tt-to m-m-many words!!!! *crawls into corner with head between my knees* make them stop!!! *head explodes*
1351899
If you're scared of too many words, maybe you shouldn't be hanging around a fanfiction site.
It's a lot harder to draw pictures of literary criticism. Trust me when I say it's easier this way.
1351169
) will make complete sense of Memories.
I thank you for your criticism and for taking the time to read my fic despite the fact that it's a HiE fic.
Let me start off by saying that I am straying from chronological order for a reason, and that the next chapter will be taking a third-person perspective.
I understand that this and the next chapter, Royal Pains, will not make too much sense chronologically (although Royal Pains will make more sense than Memories). I can promise that the fifth chapter (I haven't thought of a name yet
Unfortunately, due to spoilers, I cannot reveal exactly how chapter five will make sense of it, just trust me when I say that it will. I can also promise that the fifth chapter will be posted the day after, if not the same day as Royal Pains.
As for the flashbacks being too short, I promise that Ackerman's background will become much more detailed as the story progresses; this is only the first of four chapters dedicated to bringing more detail to Ackerman's back story.
Again I thank you for your criticism and your willingness to read my fic. Army Brony signing off. HOOAH!
P.S. The ETA of Royal Pains (and most likely chapter five) is two days from now.
1352828 dude i was joking i read books about | | THAT THICK ( actual length) in an hour to a day depends on how interstid i am
Good very Good
I read fast so i like longer stories but its good
Aaand... Writers block! Well, not really.
To the few who are reading my fic (and the fewer that actually enjoy it
), Chapter 6 may or may not be delayed, do to Army stuff (Don't ask what kind of stuff; I can't say do to OPSEC or Operational Security
). I can tell you this: there will be quite a few 2300 and 0100 late work nights for me (seriously, fml
)
Needless to say, I will do my very best to ensure that chapter 6 will be delivered within the next week, but no promises.
Those in my opinion were pretty damn good
1412419 i disagree i like raw beef better
Hmmm, interesting story. Up'd and Read Later'd, I cannot however figure out why you have so many dislikes...
1412869
Fuck yes those were good days too!
The comments in ALL stories are funnier than the actually story because its different personalitys working together
First post.
Keep it up, I like what youve done.
I'm not a regular reader of fan fiction. In fact, I didn't even know there was fan fiction until I was told about this site. I enjoy this story. It's a little vulgar for me, but other than that I think it's a really good story. I've enjoyed it so far.
Next chapter?
-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-
2644954
Will you put a new chapter up soon?
The amount of time we have been waiting for updates on this story.........
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/188/051/alg_jimmy_mcmillan_1.jpg?1318985801
IS TOO DAMN HIGH