Scootaloo's a troublemaker, through and through and more than once has gotten herself into big trouble. But this time, she may have gone too far.
This is my entry into the current Author's Support Prompt, a quick one shot involving Scootaloo.
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This doesn't explain anything?!
While this was a cute story with few problems, it does not achieve what the description said it would. Perhaps that should be fixed.
1313663 Hmm, you're right. Should be better now. I'm not great at descriptions it seems.
Well, this was utterly pointless. It's well-written, but that's all is.
I agree. VERY well written, but the problem is there's too much focus on a OC we don't care about, not enough fun with Scootaloo, and the 'problem, and make up' part of it falls flat.
Very good presentation of a story that needed to be tweaked at the outline phase.
I'd definitely wait for the feedback from the judges before posting a submitted story. The suggestions they give are very helpful; from my experience they're a pretty thorough and accurate bunch.
That said, my humble opinion on this:
-Scootaloo is portrayed as a little out of character. She rushes around Ponyville in the show, sure, and she acts like a little kid, but she's downright obnoxious to Thunder Flare, by the sound of it. She sounds six, not ten, like she is in the show. There is also no mention of her scooter, which is a bit offputting. You can get away with all that if you suggest that Scootaloo is a bit younger here than she is in the show, but that option goes right out the window when Twilight enters the picture. Honestly, I think you can have the same story with a young Pound Cake being foalsat, and the other Cakes having to go on some medical checkup or other. It'd have to be a plausible reason, but you can get the reason in, at least.
-Going for a first person perspective is a good way to get into the head of a character, but if they don't pass a mirror or look down at themselves then we don't ever get an idea of what they look like or what sort of pony they are. Is Thunder Flare a teen or an adult? Is he always this gruff or is he really angry now? A third person perspective would allow the same points of view, thought processes and whatnot, as well as allowing for a full description. Thunder Flare isn't even revealed to be a pegasus until right at the end, is he? That makes it hard for the reader to like him, which we are supposed to do. Or you could go for a background pony we know, like Thunderlane. But then the question becomes what happened to his brother, I suppose.
Also: Derpy is not a main character in this. She shows up, does nothing, contributes nothing to the overall plot. She does not require the tag.
-The mood shift at the end doesn't really feel natural. The phrase that snaps me out of the story is "More than once, she's put herself in harm's way today." Right then and there, I get the feeling this guy just isn't supposed to talk that way, and from that point, the whole thing feels forced. It goes from one big emotion to another with very little middle ground: they're surprised, and then that's it. No mention of Thunder Flare's heart rate finally going down, no awkward wiping of his tear in between, and Twilight doesn't even get a word in between them while Thunder's speaking. It's like it didn't even need to be Twilight doing the lecturing. If it had been Rarity, AJ or Fluttershy, the only thing that would have changed is where they ended up.
That's what I think your readers are trying to say: in the story's current form, both Scootaloo and Twilight are replaceable characters. You can change the names and one would hardly notice.
But again: see what the judges say, act accordingly.
1326069 Fantastic, some constructive criticism! You're right, I probably should've waited for the judging to post it and done the required tweaking (or even a rewrite) before posting it. But I got all proud and thought I'd done a fantastic job. Just goes to show, always get a second opinion, especially if the first opinion is your own. I think what my biggest issue with this, which kind of explains... well all the points you put up there, is that I went into it without thinking everything through. I just kind of did it. No background work, no planning, no one to pre-read it, nothing. When I read your post I was both elated and devastated. I realized just how bad this was and thought 'Maybe I should just take it down, bury my shame.' But I won't. Instead, after it gets judged I think I'll rewrite it and post the rewrite as a second chapter so that there's a comparison. Besides, this may not be the best story ever written but it's still my first published story. It's always important to remember where you came from.
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Actually, what I'd do: get all the feedback from the judges, touch up the first chapter, then add a second chapter to bring some closure, maybe something lighter to make it feel closer to the show. The point of rewriting is to make improvements; a lot of people make additions and tweaks after publishing, especially with regards to vocabulary and grammar (which, incidentally, is one thing you don't have too big of an issue with). First fics are no exception to this, by any means. Altering something you know should be altered is a good thing, and you don't need to put up two versions on the site. If you must insist on the rough version being public, add a link to the Google Doc. This site is not where you want your drafts to be seen as your finished work.
One tip from the animation industry: if you want to tell a story, check which moments are the most important. What lines, scenes and descriptions make up one image or scene that is essential to tell the story? Starting from those is planning enough...though you may want to get a second opinion on that, still a noob writer myself. Edit: I'm guessing in your case that's the chase scene, that's a well-written scene and a good skeleton for the story, if that makes any sense.. My point is: write the story, leave it for a day or so, then read it again and see what feels wrong. That helps a ton.
And dude, realising you did something bad only after you finish it and put a lot of work in it? That happens, a lot. As a matter of fact, when you get to college age, it'll have happened in public a few times. Come to think of it: that's happened in the show, too. The whole point of the prompt is to test your abilities and get some feedback. Winning means getting more attention, but every participant gets in-depth critique, which is something that's a lot more useful than mere attention. As it is, all you've done is get ahead of yourself. The concept can work, the execution just needs tweaking. Foalsitter chasing quick foal across Ponyville, anger turning to caring...that's not bad in and of itself.
Concept-wise, you could have done a lot worse, trust me. (That's coming from someone whose first published pony story involved RD going blonde
)
1330172 Ha! Get to college age, there already so I definitely know what you mean. Thanks for the advice though, it's already got ideas whirling around for a second chapter. I should be able to flesh out the first too, but I'm definitely waiting for the judging. I'mma need all the advice I can get. Thanks for the feedback!
Honestly, I really enjoyed this. I mean, I'd love to see another chapter, though. It's adorable and entertaining, but it does need more to explain all the things you started (Scootaloo being a bit annoying, her relationship with the OC).