You know what? Writing even semi-realistic clop is HARD. Writing it about two foals doing all the wrong things is even HARDER. And when the story ends up about 3 miles, two characters and Psychology 101 away from where you intended it to, you know there's something wrong with your head.
Some people who have read Apple Family Way might find this a weird story, but I assure you that they both have a place in my little universe. And there might be things in this story that I left out from AFW because Applebloom was too cute, We'll never know. Well, I'll know but you won't. Unless I tell you. Which I won't do. Probably. Unless you bribe me. With Cookies.
Anyways. The first one to shout Scootabuse gets a cookie. The next 100 get my undying ire for being unoriginal.
There would be no lessons, no arduos arithmetics, appalling alphabetics, or staring aghast at algebra for two whole months.
It's actually spelled arduous. (Love the alliteration by the way)
The only sounds that filtered into the Clubhouse were the cries of the few crickets that had yet to suffer a heatstroke, and the lonely croons of a jackdaw, trying desperately to find a date
This sentence doesn't have a period or anything at the end.
"Well atleast he notices me... "
Rainbow Dash is a girl, and I think you need a space between "at" and "least".
I think you wrote it as realistically as the idea of little fillies doing BDSM goes. However, I somehow regret searching for the term switch. I guessed correctly what it is, but I soon found myself on some board where a mother stated that she was weekly spanking her ten year old daugther with either a belt or a switch. I was utterly disgusted by her, not by this story, thus proving to me that I'm still capable of distinguishing between fiction and reality.
1314454 Yeah... that's kinda sickening. Maybe next time just ask? Might save you a lot revulsion. Internet is a scary place, because it has people in it.
Normally, I keep my rather varied S&M fetishes FAR away from my ponies...but I read over your story randomly browsing my lists of things to read, and this was surprisingly well done! i shall look forward to more, if I must be honest.
1319183 Innocent? Of course she is. But she might also be troubled. And a foal. There's a different perspective to things when you're a kid. I'm really trying hard to actually try to portray them as little fillies, not as miniature adults. That's why it's a real challenge to write more stuff, and see where this goes. I have no idea. <3
1319212 Either way, you're doing a good job. I still can see the fact that they still are fillies as opposed to full grown mares. There's no rush, let the creativity flow, friend.
1319212 You did a good job, portaying them as little innocent fillies. I hope you go on writing this story. It is very creative. I also have some ideas for it, maybe. Since they don't know anything about adult stuff, they could play around and have their "It's not pee. Period" talk some more and maybe someday ask an adult about it, only getting akward stares, blushes and avoiding comments out of them. Maybe letting them explore what it is really about, enjoying it and then being shocked about an adults answer to what it is, but still doing it because it feels good. My thinking.
1319720 Ok. Thanks for the pretty little head. It's just placed wrong. I have a big head with big ideas floating through. I have some stories myself. No clops or self inserts (bad at this), but good ones if I might say so. If you are interested in reading them, 1. Flutter-dark fic,2. A comedy fic sequel and 3. A HiE story requiring the password "fireball". Go for it if you want. Ps: Advertising! Advertising all of my stories!
I soon found myself on some board where a mother stated that she was weekly spanking her ten year old daugther with either a belt or a switch. I was utterly disgusted by her, not by this story, thus proving to me that I'm still capable of distinguishing between fiction and reality.
It's a good distinction to make. Something that's fucked up for the sake of entertainment vs something that is fucked up for real.
I approve none of those things at the beginning.. I will read this story anyways... You know, for the lulz.
13537391314454 There is nothing wrong with physically reminding a child that they are in the wrong, so long as verbal methods do not work, AND you do not do permanent or lasting damage. Note how it says 'weakly spanking'?
this is incredibly well written, not only is there attention to grammar but the story is believable, which is really hard to say I mean bdsm scoots and sweetie? but you did a very good job of it, and the ending, wow you deserve major brownie points for that kinda courage, most writers are afraid of putting in a sad or angst filled ending for fear of haters but it just fit so well and really matched the story, and every now and then I think we need a story with a not so happy ending, very nice story.
I'm a bit late to really post here, kinda, but I feel I should point out a mistake I see many authors making before I forget. It's basic psychology that a child who does not receive enough attention can and will act out to get what attention they can, but the problem with that is that the kid doesn't know they are doing it. It's subconscious. This is not the first, nor the last, story to make a mistake like this. When you here that kids act out to receive attention it's easy to forget that they are children and don't really know what they are doing in that aspect. They would know the end result and the desire for attention, but the rest is simply not important to them. The same goes for the reason the parents aren't around, children just don't perceive the events the same way a psychology book says they do. And since this is from a kids perspective the things she says should be a little different.
Instead of pointing out the problem and her solutions to it (parents do not punish her so she acts out to get what attention she can) show would say something more along the lines of "The only time they even pay attention to me is when I'm in trouble at school, and even then all they do is..."
You have the underlying information correct about the cause of this, but the portrayal is more from an outside perspective than an internal perspective. A lot of the authors I read make the mistake of someone stating their subconscious motives when describing why they like something. And it gets more noticeable with children.
TLDR? Keep subconscious thoughts out of the perspective of the one who has them.
What I like most about this story is the very natural way they get into this situation. An innocent desire to know, leading to them exploring, even if they have no idea what exactly they are getting into at first. Its not just brainless smut, but a cleverly written tale of exploration with just the right level of awkwardness displayed by the characters to feel natural and believable.
"You. Have. Been. So. Naughty. Scootaloo." she said between hits. "Now you gotta face the music!" She kept on smacking and smacking, not even listening to the sounds her friend was making anymore, just enjoying the rush of the moment and watching her victim squirm under her punishment. When her own forehoof was starting to ache from all the smacks she just switched sides and used her other hoof instead.
You know what? Writing even semi-realistic clop is HARD. Writing it about two foals doing all the wrong things is even HARDER. And when the story ends up about 3 miles, two characters and Psychology 101 away from where you intended it to, you know there's something wrong with your head.
Some people who have read Apple Family Way might find this a weird story, but I assure you that they both have a place in my little universe. And there might be things in this story that I left out from AFW because Applebloom was too cute, We'll never know. Well, I'll know but you won't. Unless I tell you. Which I won't do. Probably. Unless you bribe me. With Cookies.
Anyways. The first one to shout Scootabuse gets a cookie. The next 100 get my undying ire for being unoriginal.
P.S. SCOOTABUSE! Mmm... Cookies.
MOAR
MOAR, MOAR, MOAR
I am intrigued. Saw a couple errors though:
It's actually spelled arduous. (Love the alliteration by the way)
This sentence doesn't have a period or anything at the end.
Rainbow Dash is a girl, and I think you need a space between "at" and "least".
... I'm intrigued... follow.
1312751 Thanks for the catches. <3
1311956 1312574 On it!
I think you wrote it as realistically as the idea of little fillies doing BDSM goes.
However, I somehow regret searching for the term switch. I guessed correctly what it is, but I soon found myself on some board where a mother stated that she was weekly spanking her ten year old daugther with either a belt or a switch. I was utterly disgusted by her, not by this story, thus proving to me that I'm still capable of distinguishing between fiction and reality.
1314454 Yeah... that's kinda sickening. Maybe next time just ask? Might save you a lot revulsion. Internet is a scary place, because it has people in it.
Normally, I keep my rather varied S&M fetishes FAR away from my ponies...but I read over your story randomly browsing my lists of things to read, and this was surprisingly well done! i shall look forward to more, if I must be honest.
1315064 We all have our fetishes and kinks, now don't we?
This is, not my type, but I have honestly never seen anything like it. I am liking this story for it's creativity, I'm sure many people will enjoy it!
1317122 Well at least you're keeping an open mind, which I really appreciate. I'm raising my glass of energy drink to you right now. Cheers!
1308218 SCOOTAbUSE
SCOOTABUSE
SCOOLOLOABVUSE
SCOOTABUSECOOKIESFUCKYEA!
CUPCAKESSOSWEETANDTASY
CUPCAKESDUNB2HASTY
IWUNTOCUMINSIDERAINBOWDASH!
Seriously though, where mai cooky?
1318761 Nope. You're in the "ire" territory now. So no cookie for you. And also have some loathing.
Someone already was "original" and called Scootabuse. IT WAS ME! MWAHAHAHA
I like it. I guess Scootaloo isn't an innocent filly after all
1319183 Innocent? Of course she is. But she might also be troubled. And a foal. There's a different perspective to things when you're a kid. I'm really trying hard to actually try to portray them as little fillies, not as miniature adults. That's why it's a real challenge to write more stuff, and see where this goes. I have no idea. <3
1319212 Either way, you're doing a good job. I still can see the fact that they still are fillies as opposed to full grown mares. There's no rush, let the creativity flow, friend.
With all the attention Sweetie Bell has shown Scootaloo's backside, she'll definitely be the first to notice when Scoots' cutie mark appears.
Also,
WHERE'S MAH MUFFINS?!
AND MAH TWILIGHT?!!
1319212
You did a good job, portaying them as little innocent fillies.
I hope you go on writing this story. It is very creative.
I also have some ideas for it, maybe.
Since they don't know anything about adult stuff, they could play around and have their "It's not pee. Period" talk some more and maybe someday ask an adult about it, only getting akward stares, blushes and avoiding comments out of them.
Maybe letting them explore what it is really about, enjoying it and then being shocked about an adults answer to what it is, but still doing it because it feels good.
My thinking.
Bronydragon
1319694 The follow-up is coming. So don't worry your pretty little head.
1319720
Ok. Thanks for the pretty little head. It's just placed wrong. I have a big head with big ideas floating through.
I have some stories myself. No clops or self inserts (bad at this), but good ones if I might say so.
If you are interested in reading them, 1. Flutter-dark fic, 2. A comedy fic sequel and 3. A HiE story requiring the password "fireball".
Go for it if you want.
Ps: Advertising! Advertising all of my stories!
Bronydragon
Sadist Sweetie and Submissive Scootaloo? Makes a surprising amount of sense.
I love bdsm and child sex. Lucky me?dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png
I will definitely be reading more of this.
1319694 I wanna know why this one always ends his opinions, explanations, etc. with Bronydragon
When his name shows right next to the comment, stupid really.
1322553
It's a trademark, since I'm not able to give you a trademark grin or something else.
And for the moustache. Moustache rules!
Bronydragon
1323963 YO DAWG! I heard you like trademark grins so why not put a trademark grin in your avatar so you can trademark grin when you post!
-BDSM. Check!
-Foal on foal. Delicious!
-Psychology. Mine is fucked up!
-Twilight Sparkle. Best pony!
-Muffins. Of course!
Also:
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2qo7dW23R1rrnep7o1_250.gif
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_loyr3l81hV1qjngzx.png
1324518 whoaorno.com/images/280.jpg
This story had me laughing my ass off. The visual were just too damn hilarious.
1314454
It's a good distinction to make. Something that's fucked up for the sake of entertainment vs something that is fucked up for real.
1) Applebloom is not yellow....
2)GRANNY Smith not Grandma Smith
3) Fillies that young don't get wet...
I'm still reading this though
I approve none of those things at the beginning.. I will read this story anyways... You know, for the lulz.
1353739 1314454 There is nothing wrong with physically reminding a child that they are in the wrong, so long as verbal methods do not work, AND you do not do permanent or lasting damage.
Note how it says 'weakly spanking'?
this is incredibly well written, not only is there attention to grammar but the story is believable, which is really hard to say I mean bdsm scoots and sweetie? but you did a very good job of it, and the ending, wow you deserve major brownie points for that kinda courage, most writers are afraid of putting in a sad or angst filled ending for fear of haters but it just fit so well and really matched the story, and every now and then I think we need a story with a not so happy ending, very nice story.
This was awesome. I wish could punish me, I've been really bad.
Hmmmm what dos thou mean by "psychology"? For we hate sanity, should We read?
I'm a bit late to really post here, kinda, but I feel I should point out a mistake I see many authors making before I forget. It's basic psychology that a child who does not receive enough attention can and will act out to get what attention they can, but the problem with that is that the kid doesn't know they are doing it. It's subconscious. This is not the first, nor the last, story to make a mistake like this. When you here that kids act out to receive attention it's easy to forget that they are children and don't really know what they are doing in that aspect. They would know the end result and the desire for attention, but the rest is simply not important to them. The same goes for the reason the parents aren't around, children just don't perceive the events the same way a psychology book says they do. And since this is from a kids perspective the things she says should be a little different.
Instead of pointing out the problem and her solutions to it (parents do not punish her so she acts out to get what attention she can) show would say something more along the lines of "The only time they even pay attention to me is when I'm in trouble at school, and even then all they do is..."
You have the underlying information correct about the cause of this, but the portrayal is more from an outside perspective than an internal perspective. A lot of the authors I read make the mistake of someone stating their subconscious motives when describing why they like something. And it gets more noticeable with children.
TLDR? Keep subconscious thoughts out of the perspective of the one who has them.
Oh, and so far nice story.
I'm having fun here. Thanks!
A brand spanking new activity that they can do.
CUTIE MARK SPANKERS!! YAY!
This was on my Read Later list for too long...
So far my only complaint is lack of dialogue tags – in a few places I had no idea who was talking. Apart from that, I love it
What I like most about this story is the very natural way they get into this situation. An innocent desire to know, leading to them exploring, even if they have no idea what exactly they are getting into at first. Its not just brainless smut, but a cleverly written tale of exploration with just the right level of awkwardness displayed by the characters to feel natural and believable.
I don’t approve of muffins, so... skip!
JK I’m going to read this anyways, perverted inner 14 year old I am
I can only imagine what would be going through Apple Bloom’s mind if she walked in right now
Maybe this. https://images.app.goo.gl/nzSLdfwzPtMVvdka8