Welcome to Ponyville. Population: 10,420.
The magically stabilized sign passed by Rainbow Dash as she cruised through the lower atmosphere. Such sights were common now, as common as the smoke-filled skies which defiled the vivid blue sky the pegasus once called her home. The persistent gloom choked the atmosphere and filled what was once a domain of freedom with an oppressive blanket of dust and cinders.
Bright, flashing warning signs loomed ahead of Rainbow, warning her and other pegasi to reduce their altitude lest they fly straight into the dangerous haze ahead. With a practiced shift of her wings, Rainbow dipped lower, slipping beneath the warning signs magically stabilized aloft on clouds anchored to the sky. She was daring, she was Equestria’s best pegasus flier, but she wouldn’t subject herself to that sickly brown fog that lingered day after day.
Rainbow had lost none of her grace and power after years of flying, but gone was her enthusiasm. The absolute freedom of the skies had been taken from her, and with it her wings had been bound. No matter if the chains were physical or not -- they weighed heavily upon her mind and soul. She gazed longingly up at the gleaming sun far above the haze. She didn’t even need to squint -- Celestia’s sun had lost none of its luster, but it could not penetrate the persistent gloom.
A brief surge of rage filled her body as her eyes focused on what was most likely a clear blue sky far above her. The sky taken from her and from all the pegasus in favor of the modern flying machines, airships, and supersonic fliers which demanded exclusive use to the airspace. Change was never easy -- for the pegasi, which prided themselves in flight, change was a hard pill to swallow. Every pony in Equestria understood the benefits of change, but it made the change no less bitter.
However, the rage had come and past as Rainbow gracefully alighted onto the landing pad designated for pegasi. She cast a lingering, angry look at the airships lining the Ponyville Aerodrome, those cold and lifeless machines which had stolen the sky from her and in turn had stolen her dreams from her. Years of practicing. Years of intense training. Just as her dreams had finally been realized, they disappeared in an instant. Gone, consumed by the same fires which drove the industry of the world today.
Grimly, she pulled her flight goggles off, wiping the dirt and grime collected on them over the course of the flight. She never needed goggles in the past. In the past, the wind was freedom, the wind was refreshing. Now that she was grounded within the city limits of Ponyville, she could no longer fly, forced aground by the reasonings of safety. Instead, she barely flew off the ground, gliding painfully slow over the busy streets.
Why did she come back? The question lingered in her head as clear as the moment she set off from Canterlot. The answer was obvious at the time: it was home. Rainbow’s heart sunk. The keyword “was” hung off her heart heavily. Home wasn’t what it used to be. Gone were the simple homes with thatched roofs. Instead, in their place reigned stone, steel, glass, and beautiful facades of carved art adorning buildings and gilding heartless interiors. She longed for the colorful beauty of Ponyville. In the face of the drab surrounding her, she even longed for her empty and lonely cloud home aglimmer with color.
Unfortunately, her cloud home was long gone too. The city acquired the airspace for the Aerodrome over six years ago. Rainbow pleaded with the city council to allow her to move her house. They had only looked at her incredulously and laughed, “And where could you possibly move it to, Ms. Dash?” Rainbow was forced to admit the difficulty transplanting a cloud home given the changes in airspace laws. She was no longer staying in her cloud house at the time, but she’d never let that little victory slip to the city council.
Seemingly lost in her thoughts, Rainbow nearly missed her destination: a lofty building spanning three stories covered excessively with ostentatious carvings of industry. With a small sigh, she pushed firmly against the polished sheen of the heavy bronze doors. She slipped inside as the doors gave way with a ponderous groan. This was the first time Rainbow had entered this building since its construction, and the magnificence inside could easily match the excessive decor outside.
High columns adorned the single room stretching from the entrance to the dimly lit rear of the building. The soot-streaked columns rose the full length of the building, but all they provided was a sense of emptiness. The cold stone construction provided no warmth, and the oppressive silence added to the frigid mood. The chiseled marble floors chilled her as she walked across to the solitary desk sitting at the front of the room. If her hoof-falls disturbed anyone, she didn’t notice. She stepped cautiously up to the the desk and eyed the bored looking unicorn manning the station. She didn’t appear any more energetic than Rainbow.
“I’m looking for Twilight,” Rainbow said plainly. She didn’t want to explain her question and her tone brooked no argument.
The unicorn looked up from the stacks of paper festooning her overfilled desk, leveling a wary look at the rainbow mane, tired eyes, and dull cyan coat. Rainbow’s eyes glared back firmly, recalling another change: ponies were so much colder these days.
“Ms. Sparkle is no longer taking visitors,” the unicorn noted with an air of contempt. “If you absolutely need to address Ms. Sparkle, I suggest you submit it in writing.”
Rainbow wasn’t in the mood. She stamped her hoof and repeated herself. “I’m here for Twilight. She and I are both Elements.” She cringed inwardly as she bitterly recalled the realization most ponies hardly remembered the Elements’ contribution these days. The days of Nightmare Moon and Discord passed long ago and gave way to slow, steady days of industrial progression.
A bemused smile crept across the unicorn’s typically bored features. “Oh?” she began, her lips slowly shifting from the smile to a barely concealed smirk. “What element would that be? Impatience?” The contempt dripped from her words.
Rainbow glared, the barely controlled rage boiling in her veins and quivering along her wings. “No...the element of loyalty,” she spoke through gritted teeth. This wasn’t the time for pleasantries. “Now, I want to see Twilight. Right now.” Her voice, infused with rage, carried a little further than intended, and the resulting echo lingered throughout the entirety of the building, informing all of the occupants of Rainbow’s presence.
Far upstairs, Twilight’s ears flicked upwards at the resonance of the voice she had longed to hear for years echoing through her building.
This information only increased the amusement of the annoying unicorn greatly as she leaned back in her metal chair and laughed. “Oh my, loyalty. You don’t say.” She abruptly stopped laughing and leaned over her desk, eyeing Rainbow. “I haven’t seen you since we’ve opened. Loyal enough to never visit for five years, I see.” She paused to let the words sink in and settled back in her chair with a satisfied smirk.
That stung. That was low. Rainbow shifted on her hooves and looked away. This unicorn knew nothing about her or Twilight, but in a few short moments she had found the chink in the armor. Rainbow sighed, turning around slowly and letting her head hang. Ponies had grown so cold and calculating. Rainbow started trudging sadly toward the door. She had no more fight left in her today.
A familiar flash of magic stopped her. “Twilight!” she exclaimed, her excitement barely contained. Her head lifted, her cerise eyes met purple ones, and for a moment time stood still.
“I heard my assistant laughing,” Twilight spoke matter-of-factly. “She never laughs.” Twilight leaned slightly to the side and looked over Rainbow’s shoulder at the front-desk unicorn. If Rainbow wasn’t lost in Twilight’s eyes, she would’ve noticed the strained anger on Twilight’s face. The front-desk unicorn obviously made a mistake turning Rainbow away.
The look of anger faded from Twilight’s face as she turned to face Rainbow. Her eyes hinted of pain buried beneath years spent apart. “Why are you here, Rainbow Dash?” she asked.
“I, uh...” Rainbow mumbled, the discomfort clear upon her features as her eyes left Twilight’s own and focused on the cold marble floor below.
Rainbow’s expression wasn’t lost upon Twilight as she casually cantered past Rainbow and the front desk. “We’ll talk in my office. Follow me.” It wasn’t a request. The command’s tone stung, but Rainbow followed numbly.
Twilight led Rainbow up an intricately wrought spiral staircase. It led to a simple oaken door opening into Twilight’s sprawling office overlooking the entirety of the building. The room was crammed with well-organized bookcases and full-length windows. Rainbow took solace in the fact that even metal and stone couldn’t deny Twilight’s personality and influence.
Rainbow couldn’t help the feeling of unease when she first met Twilight’s eyes on the first floor. The usual purple gleam seemed dulled by the haze of the city which surrounded her and locked her in this beautiful stone cage. Even surrounded by her most prized possessions, Twilight seemed no more free than Rainbow with her wings tethered to the ground by the changes of industry. Sure, Twilight had more funding than ever before, and the library was a hallmark of the city -- its opulence a clear message of prosperity -- but it was clear it meant little to Twilight.
“Why are you here, Rainbow?” Twilight’s repeated query came slowly and painfully, the words tempered by years of detachment. Rainbow turned and looked over the purple unicorn. It all seemed so surreal and different. Five years was a long time.
Twilight settled by the balcony in her office, a balcony leading nowhere but into her stone cage, the pedestal for which she could observe her ever shrinking life.
“I missed you, Twi...” Rainbow started slowly, measuring her words carefully. She wasn’t a verbose pony, but she wanted to do this right. Something more drove her return to the city -- the city responsible for the destruction of her home, her dreams, and everything she thought meant something in her life -- beyond longing for her friends. Unfortunately, her words weren’t measured carefully enough, as the stinging response came quickly from Twilight.
“Please don’t call me that unless you mean it...it’s been five years.” Her words were slow and strained, completely unlike Twilight in every way. Time had changed everything in Rainbow’s world, but here with Twilight, she could sense a lingering warmth, an unchanging fact from years ago. If any malice lingered from the years spent apart, Twilight didn’t show it. The unicorn dangled her hooves distractedly over the railing of her balcony, gazing dolefully over the shelves spread below her.
Rainbow tried imagining the purple eyes now hidden from her. She always admired those eyes. She thought back to just minutes ago. When their eyes met, what did Twilight’s look like? The sting from moments ago repeated itself as she visualized those beautiful wells of purple. Their gleam seemed faded from years of estrangement. Five years...Rainbow drifted into her memories....
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Twilight! It’s a dream come true! I got an acceptance letter from the Wonderbolts!” Rainbow sprinted through the treehouse they shared, her eyes alight with excitement. Twilight looked up from her book, a wide smile adorning her face as she caught the excitement dancing upon Rainbow’s face.
“I’m so happy for you! No other pegasus in the world deserves this more than you do.” Twilight leaned her head over to Rainbow and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. “I’m very proud of you too...hey, we should celebrate tonight.” The sultry tone wasn’t lost upon Rainbow as she settled down snugly next to Twilight with a grin.
After dinner, Rainbow regaled tales and dreams to Twilight now that her aspirations had finally come to fruition. Her wings quivered with excitement as she drew imaginary aerial maneuvers in the air with her hooves. Twilight made a wonderfully captive audience, her gleaming purple eyes focused on Rainbow’s own as they shared a special moment together.
The following morning, Rainbow quickly set off for Canterlot, but not before sharing a farewell kiss with Twilight and promising to return as soon as she could. Rainbow felt giddy from Twilight’s bright smile and sparkling eyes during the entire flight to Canterlot. The suit fitting was particularly uncomfortable for Rainbow because she couldn’t help blushing over “showing off” her suit to Twilight later. With all the affairs with the Wonderbolts squared away, she was prepared to fly home, but her team had caught up with her and insisted an unforgettable welcoming party.
Training came the next day. Her head ached from the night before, but she doggedly persisted. Eight straight hours of flying left her sore and exhausted. She could do little but write a short letter to Twilight explaining her situation before collapsing into her bed after a shower. The next day wasn’t any different, and the day after. Then came the shows: an endless stream of excitement and exhaustion.
She did her best. She sent letters when she could. Initially, her letters swelled with the excitement she longed to share with Twilight. Some letters expressed her longing, a sentiment Twilight readily returned in her own letters. Then came the fan letters by the bagful. Rainbow Dash adored the attention and tried to respond to them all, but between hours of training and hours of traveling between shows, time grew increasingly scarce.
The letters to Twilight became steadily infrequent, and while Twilight still sent letters, they were often lost in the bags of mail which Rainbow received each day. Eventually, Rainbow conceded to her team’s requests and assigned her letter responses to the Wonderbolts’ public relations team so she could focus on her training and shows. While it was a jarring change at first, eventually Rainbow relented under the ever-mounting pressure of her team, her fans, and her desire to perform at her very best.
Time was a funny thing. While training hours dragged by slowly for Rainbow, her five years in the Wonderbolts sped by. When Rainbow wasn’t exhausted, she thought of Twilight. Visits never worked out as her schedule was always consumed by some pressing media event, party, or special circumstance. Rainbow was a great Wonderbolt, but even she couldn’t compete against the tides of change, as the faster and more unique flying machines of industry slowly phased out the Wonderbolts from glory.
As the crowds and fame faded, so did Rainbow’s enthusiasm for her job. A week before her last show, she finally sent off a letter to Twilight along with a poster, VIP tickets, and travel accommodations. She admitted to herself she should’ve done this sooner, but the fear of receiving a “Dear Pony” letter from Twilight overrode her sense. The first time she missed a weekly letter, Twilight was completely understanding, but as the weeks turned to months, and months turned to years, Rainbow couldn’t find the courage in her heart to face Twilight.
On the day of the final show, Rainbow scanned the crowd for Twilight. The show attracted a huge crowd of ponies waxing nostalgic on the magnificence of the Wonderbolts, but the most important pony to Rainbow was not there. However, Rainbow’s showmanship wasn’t lacking, and the encouraging cheers from the crowds lifted her spirits and caused a spectacularly prismatic finish to the show. An amazing end for an amazing team.
Following the show, Rainbow peeled off and cleaned her suit for the last time and set off for Ponyville, her home. She could’ve traveled by airship via the local Aerodrome, but Rainbow’s pride wouldn’t allow it. She was the greatest flyer in Equestria, industrial change or not. Rainbow would never let an airship carry her to Ponyville while her wings remained strong and she was in her prime.
*~*~*~*~*~*
“Did you miss us?” came Twilight’s clear and concise voice beyond Rainbow’s memory. “‘Rarity, Pinkie, Applejack, Fluttershy?” The last name brought a sting of pain to Rainbow’s chest. In her excitement, she hadn’t wished her best filly-hood friend farewell before her journey to Canterlot. At the time, the idea was the furthest from her mind. After all, she thought she’d be returning the same night. Rainbow said nothing. Twilight didn’t seem perturbed by this -- silence from Rainbow became the new norm over the years.
“She cared about you, you know,” Twilight said. “She saved all the memories you missed for you, so you could treasure them the day you returned.” Twilight’s horn flared, gripping a canary-yellow scrapbook firmly within her magic and floated it over to Rainbow Dash. “She took pictures at every party, every outing you missed, even the congratulations party Pinkie threw for you.” Twilight’s magic disappeared with that last sentence, and the scrapbook dropped like a stone. If Rainbow possesed slower reflexes it most likely would have hit the floor, but the scrapbook was caught firmly in her hooves.
The scrapbook was lovingly constructed. Pink butterflies much like Fluttershy’s cutie mark decorated the side of the book. The inside cover was plush and comfortable to hold. As Rainbow turned through the pages, she felt warmed by the bright smiles returned to her from the photographs on the pages. Everyone was so supportive and happy for her. Leave it to Fluttershy to capture the kindest and best in every pony.
The pages weren’t labeled, but as the photographs progressed, the mood of the photos began to change. It started with Applejack’s abrupt departure. Obviously the technological change hadn’t been kind to the honest farm pony. Rainbow recalled hearing reports over the industrious growth on the edge of the Everfree Forest, the land originally owned by the Apples. Ponyville benefited from a close proximity to so many untamed and untapped natural resources in the forest, but the Apple family farm was an unfortunate casualty of industrialization. It wouldn’t be the last.
“They’re in Appleloosa now.” Twilight was always perceptive. The pause in the sounds of the pages turning must have tipped her off. “Applejack finds happiness working the orchards with Braeburn and his family.” The words came out emotionless. Flat.
“I’m glad for her,” Rainbow murmured quietly. She was good friends with Applejack -- well, she hoped she was after so many years. Rainbow made a mental note to visit Appleloosa. It was the right thing to do, after all. If Twilight responded, she didn’t do it audibly. Taking the silence as a sign to continue, Rainbow returned her attention to the scrapbook.
With Applejack’s absence from the photos, the entire mood seemed to shift. The bonds of friendship tethering the group together slowly began unraveling. The photos depicted fewer events and get-togethers. The next pony to depart from the scrapbook was Rarity. Rainbow paused again and turned toward Twilight for an explanation.
“Rarity worked hard, and she applied herself to her work,” Twilight said. “But this grimy cesspool of a city was no place for a fashion designer. She’s moved on to the glamor of Las Pegasus. They welcomed her grace and generosity there,” Twilight stated unfeelingly. “I miss her. I miss our spa trips together,” Twilight added softly a moment later.
Rainbow nodded, the emotions roiling within her heart defying description. She continued turning through the memories she missed over the years. She was surprised to see her prankster friend eventually disappear from the photos -- Pinkie was always so full of life and energy. Everyone knew parties were her life blood, and she brought happiness and energy to all.
“She’s with Rarity in Las Pegasus,” Twilight stated. Rainbow blinked up from the album. “Bigger parties.” Twilight offered nothing more besides a slight shrug.
The photos in the scrapbook started to thin out considerably. For the next several photos, it was just Twilight or Fluttershy at each other’s birthday parties or the occasional social shindig. The element of kindness seemed most devoted to Twilight. The thought burned Rainbow: her best friend and the pony closest to her by themselves in Ponyville surrounded by an ever-growing stone and steel machine.
Eventually Rainbow stumbled upon the last photo. A dull and listless Twilight sat in a bistro with a slice of cake creaking under far too much frosting and too many frilly designs. Someone tried drawing small hearts bordering the picture to celebrate the occasion but the ink blurred into splotchy smudges. This last photo was obviously painful for the creator of the scrapbook.
“She’s tending a nature preserve outside of Appleloosa now.” Twilight sighed with this last bit of information. That’s when Rainbow realized Twilight’s birthday occurred well over ten months ago. She’d been alone in this city with nothing but her books and her callous new unicorn assistant for months. “And before you ask, Spike is at the nature preserve, too. The oppressive atmosphere here wasn’t good for him at all.”
Rainbow sighed and placed the book back on the shelf before settling by a window, letting her eyes wander out onto the city. A few older homes of Ponyville still remained, but most of the skyline entailed the stony spires of smoke-belching factories and blocky apartment complexes. The reservoir which fed the the factories around the city sprawled out from the library, and the brackish water suggested it acted as a permanent feature in Twilight’s view for many years.
Seeking to break the silence which clung to the air much like the pollution outside, Rainbow tried to broach the topic of her recent letter to Twilight. “Did you...get the tickets?”
“Yes, but I got caught up in work,” Twilight responded quietly, perhaps partially out of sadness or regret. Gauging subtlety wasn’t one of Rainbow’s strengths. “Honestly, I was surprised to see a letter from you after one year, five months, two weeks, and three days,” Twilight continued. Rainbow would’ve normally laughed at Twilight’s precision, but this bit of information only furthered her guilt.
“Well...I’m glad you got the poster, too,” Rainbow responded in turn, unsure how to respond to Twilight directly. The poster hung on the wall beside the window, its frayed edges fading into the facade as a sign of overzealous handling. Perhaps that annoying unicorn assistant below was at fault, but Rainbow didn’t want to speculate. The poster hanging there in Twilight’s office was a bittersweet reminder of everything she had.
Twilight nodded and turned her head backwards to cast a longing glance at the poster. “Thank you. I’m sorry it was damaged.” Rainbow turned her head and tried to meet Twilight’s eyes, but they were hidden from her view. “Still, I had to hang it up because it was so colorful, and it reminded me of you.” Twilight sighed and turned away from the poster. “It gave me hope, reassured me that you still thought of me...” Twilight trailed off, seemingly lost in her thoughts once again.
Rainbow wanted to respond but decided to respect Twilight’s thoughtful silence and continued to gaze around the room. Her eyes caught a photograph just over the poster of the treehouse they once called home together. The treehouse was long gone now -- only this photograph and the memory of it remained. Rainbow knew Twilight loved that treehouse. It represented so much happiness in the unicorn’s life. It must have been heartbreaking when it was finally bulldozed away for this crafted stone and metal splendor Twilight currently resided in. Twilight could’ve preserved the treehouse if she wanted to, but it likely would’ve drawn the ire of the city’s “planning council.”
This is when it finally clicked in Rainbow’s head: Twilight was still here. She didn’t have to be here. The city had taken her friends and her home. “Why are you still here, Twilight?” Rainbow asked. She dreaded the answer would break her heart.
Twilight didn’t hesitate. “I trusted you would come back someday.” The response was absolute and clear: Twilight was here for Rainbow. She could’ve easily left for Canterlot and let Rainbow Dash the Wonderbolt continue touring. Instead, she opted to stay where their home and friends used to be.
Rainbow choked. All those years she spent thinking of Twilight during lonely, restless nights was reflected in Twilight’s thoughts of her. Rainbow wasn’t sure if she should feel elated or crushed by this discovery. Rainbow suddenly realized if Twilight felt what she experienced over the years, but without the elation and joy of performing in the Wonderbolts...it must have been terrible for the unicorn.
That’s when Rainbow noticed her old training goggles strapped to the balcony railing next to Twilight. She misplaced them the morning she departed, but Twilight promised to find them for her so she could pick them up for the next day. And like Twilight, they were there, waiting for her to return. Rainbow wasn’t a Wonderbolt anymore, but she could still embody the element of loyalty. Twilight had done everything right. All Rainbow had to do was conquer her fears.
“I’m sorry.” It was something Rainbow never said lightly. She was always so confident, so capable, and apologies were usually quantified with a mention of her awesomeness. However, now wasn’t the time to strut her abilities or flex her ego. “I thought of you every night. I never stopped caring. You know me, Twilight. No matter what’s happened, I still am who I am.” Her voice was pleading now.
“I think I’m ready to move on, Rainbow,” Twilight said slowly, a trace of choked emotion trailing beneath her words.
“Twilight...” Rainbow was stunned. She wasn’t sure how to take this bit of news. Nothing had gone as planned for her today. She intended to show up and confidently use her years of boosted self-esteem on Twilight and sweep her off her hooves amid a shower of apologies and explanations.
“I don’t want anything to do with this city anymore. Now that you’re back, I’ve wrapped up all the loose ends,” Twilight continued to explain, her words tumbling out harder now between longer pauses tinged with emotion.
A glint of light inside a golden tiara casually stashed on the bookcase in front of Rainbow Dash suddenly flickered and glowed softly in a subtle manifestation of Twilight’s empathic monologue. Rainbow’s eyes opened in surprise, and she looked across at Twilight. The back of the unicorn’s head gave no clues.
“It’s been five years...” Twilight stuttered, enduring the crashing barriers around her heart after years of hiding the pain. “We’ve all waited...but the bonds of friendship are worth fighting for.” Twilight turned and gazed at Rainbow, her eyes streaked with tears matting the purple fur beneath them. That’s when Rainbow finally realized Twilight had never given up, and that’s why she was still here.
Rainbow dropped from her position by the window and walked over to Twilight. She draped a comforting wing over the crying unicorn as her hooves grasped Twilight’s own. “Twilight, I’m so sorry...I’ll make you a promise now: no matter what change brings to this world, no matter the time and distance...”
The rest of the words never came as Twilight threw her hooves around Rainbow’s shoulders and pulled her into a fierce hug. Rainbow felt like she was being squeezed to death as the unicorn sobbed, but Rainbow wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Twilight waited, stayed, and now they were together again.
“Twi...” This time the name didn't meet with the same response as last time. Instead Twilight simply cried harder, her years of frustration and pain reaching a boiling point. Rainbow couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been for Twilight to stay composed all this time, but she thanked everything in the world, even those haughty airships, that Twilight was still here in her hooves and wings.
“Twi... lets go find our friends. Together.” Rainbow smiled through her own tears as Twilight nodded against her chest. The pegasus’ eyes gleamed with the fire of determination. The world may have changed and pulled them apart, but loyalty and the magic of friendship would bring them all together again.
~*~*~*~*~
Thank you everyone for reading my second major foray into My Little Pony fanfiction. This is my first attempt at something a little heavier. When I saw the picture and started thinking of the world around it I felt compelled to write this. If there’s enough interest in the world which I briefly touched upon in this story I’d love to add additional side stories. A special shoutout goes to SpyroConspirator for drawing the inspirational picture and for graciously allowing its use as a cover image. Another special shoutout goes to my beloved editor who makes these stories possible.
Keeping an eye on this one for sure.
thesecularity.com/download/file.php?id=7457
Bookmarked. I'll read this when I have the time. :)
There is an exceptional amount of exceptional world building in this story. Good job.
that was really quite depressing. i'm at least happy the end suggests they reunite all of their friends and are happy again. but the rest gave me such feels. very good story! upped, faved, banana stickered!
ohmmm I knew this picture would cause some good fic to appear, nicely done
Sad, but sweet fic!
Reading this, I couldn't help to get that old Scorpions song stuck in my head.
This part seemed fitting in real well
"Walking down the street"
"Distant memories"
"Are buried in the past forever"
Although in this case, Rainbow was flying...
Very well done I do hope you expand more into this world love the Twidash here so looking forward to moar or else
Looks interesting. Will read.
I would love to see an expansion onto this. It's constructed beautifully and it ends on such a hopeful note to leave it where it is will drive me crazy. Really beautifully done, definitely going into my favorites if for nothing else than just the sheer amount of feels induced.
Very good, we need more :D
Wow. That was glorious. I'd love to see this lengthened, to see who would stay friends and who would move on.
I can connect with this. My best bro and I were apart for seven years, but it was like we never separated at all when we finally got back together. This leaves me wondering who would be like that for Rainbow and Twilight.
Today I am going through the first chapters of every non-mature story on the front page and offering feedback on each one. Yours is the eighth.
Presentation
* When you only have one chapter in a complete story, it's good practice to call it something other than "Chapter 1."
* Hyphenation. When two words work together to describe a third, you need to put a hyphen (-) between them, unless the first ends in "ly" (i.e. it is an adverb).
*smoke-filled
* "it's" means "it is" or "it has" and should not be used for constructions like "its lustre," where you are indicating that something belongs to "it."
* If you're looking for the en dash character to use instead of those double-hyphens, here you go: – Create your own by holding down Alt, typing 0150 on the numpad, then releasing Alt.
* One regales ponies with tales; one does not regale tales to them.
* Use pony-specific terminology, because you're not writing about humans here. "showmanship" should be "showponyship"
Story
* The beginning strikes me as a little heavy-hoofed. You really lay the "smog is bad" thing on thick, and it gets a little annoying.
* It's clear that you've got a decent grip on mechanics and have put a lot of effort into this story, but something's missing. You spend a lot of the story telling us about how the characters are feeling instead of showing us how they act around each other and letting us infer their feelings from that, which greatly reduces this story's ability to engage and resonate with its readers. In other words, "show, don't tell." Have a look at these links.
Good day.
I knew it!
I seen that art picture before I just knew somebody in the comment section made a summary background about the picture. It was such a perfect way to start it but I wasn't sure if somebody would make one until YOU did now.
More please~
I'm going to agree with one of the above comments that the whole "Industry is teh BAD" thing is laid on pretty thick, and is really annoying.
And I'm also going to disagree with more than one of the above comments that says that this story needs a continuation: its more or less perfect as is.
To many good one-shots get ruined these days by continuing past their point. This story and what it sets out to do is more or less complete.
Overall, I liked it. It gave me a nice amount of feels. Good job.
very nice/ this was great! I truly with this one would keep going with more chapters.
Honestly, this set up would have worked better in a total alternate-universe. I have a very hard time believing the incredibly rapid pace of modernization presented here, especially given the low population density of Equestria and the fact that there is no pressing need for most of the technology. The human Industrial Revolution took QUITE a long time to come about! Decades alone to develop steam engines and industrialize existing cities.
The entire replacement of Ponyville by such a modern city is very unlikely in the space of a mere 5 years. That is a level of construction such that we haven't seen until the mid-20th century. Even in the 1940's, it would take a city quite some time to develop to such a degree of industrialization. The infrastructure alone required to support such a city would take nearly a decade to fully implement.
And then the sudden explosion of technology. What was the driving force behind this modernization? Ponies rarely travel much, why the sudden need for supersonic aircraft? Given the low population and the use of magic for many needs, I can only fathom a huge surge in warfare as a stimulus strong enough to trigger such a rush to modernize. But even then, how did they come upon all the scientific and technological discoveries needed in such a short time? The mention of supersonic aircraft alone raises a huge number of technological difficulties. Such craft took humans nearly 40 years to start building and perfecting after the first powered airplane flew at Kitty Hawk in 1903, and much of that development was due to WWII (the Germans developed the first practical jet plane)
Given that the primary purpose of this story is a relationship between Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, the industrialized setting is uneccesarily overcomplicated. It seems wedged in for the sole purpose of narrating a personal dislike of industrialization rather than having an organic relationship to the central plot. The story would have worked out quite well if the two had merely drifted apart after Dash joined the Wonderbolts. Twilight could have become the head of the School for Gifted Unicorns or taken a head research position somewhere and allowed the entire story remain firmly within the canonical Equestria without the need for such drastic and inexplicable societal-industrial changes.
As I said, these rapid changes are not impossible, but given how drastic they are, some explanation MUST be included or it opens too many questions and pollutes the remainder of the story, especially given the fact that so much attention is given at the beginning to the industrialization and yet it bears little relevance to the central focus of the relationship between the two ponies. Either a war/invasion drove prgress forward at a frantic pace, or re-set this story in an alternate Equestria where rapid population booms had been driving science and technology for several decades, culminating in a full-blown industrial revolution.
I always pay a great deal of attention to the logical composition and progression of a story's world building.
1309032
You forgot to take into to account the slight, stupidity of ponies when compared to humans. But still good argument.
A truly magnificent piece that I enjoyed reading. I'm surprised stories like "Fluttershy and the Wild Stallion" make features, but carefully constructed works of art like this don't. Honestly sir, you are saluted.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/8/19/aF7q_5plf06OeDQCRwWHfQ2.gif
edit: And then you get featured.... Nice...
Will read, but can't right now. BUT I WILL DO IT!
1308329 what he said
Wow nice cover art
Looking forward to more
Dang man... you got a real good piece of world building here!
I heavily enjoyed it. TwiDash is one of my favorite pairings and the emotion of the final scene got me right in the 'awww'.
I for one would love to see more of this world!
This is complete? Noooo! MEWANTS MOAR!
1308238 Thanks Jyki. You've always been a great source of inspiration.
1308329>>1308359>>1308457>>1309332 Thank you all for your kind comments of support. I never expected this. Have a heart!
1308593>>1308807>>1308871>>1308956>>1311252>>1311324 So I wasn't sure if there would be interest in this world, but since all of you have expressed so much enthusiasm to it I'll start exploring a few of the ideas I have for the expansion of this world. Here's hoping for the best!
1308893 Thank you very much for your comments. I'm making a lot of effort to improve my writing style, I think the best way is for me to just write more. I'll keep working hard!
1309032 You've put a lot of thought into this, thanks so much. It's a lot of food for thought. I had considered some of these points but not all of them. It's definitely something I'll be toying around with in my head. Yay.
1308457>>1308904>>1311141 The awesome coverart was made by SpyroConspirator. I haven't stopped thanking him for letting me use his art. The coverart is sourced appropriately so check him out!
If I forgot to respond to your comment please accept my deepest apologies! It's a lot of comments and I appreciate every single one of them.
ANOTHER ROMANCE.... CELESTIA DAMNIT! I was hoping to read... I bet it's good.
1311499
Of course i would be interested in that idea of an alternate Equestria like that. Big fan of steampunk and age of industry, I think it could be as big Fallout Equestria or close to it, especially if you flesh it out like you did in your story. I look forward to seeing what you bring.
I knew it. It's always the one's I notice on the front page... Good job
Wow after I read ut... I was moved. I felt the pain and lose so closely...
You must give us more of this!
faved, thumbs upped, and watched. this was amazing. my favorite 5,000 ish short story by far. please i would love to hear more. not to demand it, just it would be totally awesome if there was more.
On my player durring the darker emotive parts twards the end;
[youtube=20IZn5_0sgs]
Haven't read yet, but this sounds way too much like Fable 3 to be a coincidence. Am i wrong? The cover art and the description seem so clear, but i just have to be sure.
There should be more. This is too good to leave like this, because it feels totally unfinished.
An excellent story. I for one was very pleased to read this story... it was interesting to see how the world changed with the rise of technology. On a side note, I'm not so sure the Wonderbolts would fade away simply because I feel like while we can always watch machines race it's far more interesting, at least I think so, to watch people race and compete. Of course I can see Dash losing her love of the racing because of the machines that clog her air.
1311611
It isn't really a romance. More like two very close friends finally seeing each other in a very long time.
I don't even know why the romance tag is there. The parts that explain the past, hardly even suggest anything was going on. unless I'm missing something
But none the less. The story is really well written, so don't let a possibly misplaced tag scare you off.
As much world building as you put in this, there's no way you can leave it a one-shot! I simply won't let you!
Winds of Change? Hehe. Sounds like something that would come out of my arsehole.
Good story. I really got nothing else.
Steampunk.
Twidash.
Fairly well-written.
More from this universe please?
Well I feel a little like I've just been stabbed in the gut. That was lovely, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
I liked this a lot. I would like to see more to this story as other people have said. However I do think Nyronus has a point, so don't stretch it further than it should. But I do think this could go a few more chapters without disgracing itself! Perhaps just see from the others' point of view how everything has changed.
Ah now this is a good read so far its got got a good feel to it and has nice connection with the characters seems a bit early to give it a ponyfic critic rating but it has to be done
Rating: Its the Perfect Fic
Im the ponyfic critic, and i read it so you dont have to
I was intrigued by the way you conveyed the changing world and how the ponies reacted to it. I'm surprised how many people seem to dislike the acrid atmosphere you have developed especially considering that the industrial era was really just a bad time period. All thoughts of hygiene and general cleanliness went up in smoke with all the smog of the new industry making the air difficult to breath. At least that's how I've always learned it in my history classes. Taking characters who had grown up in a world that was colorful and vibrant and throwing them into a world that is as bleak and dull as the industrial era, it's a fascinating combination and leaves a lot of room for emotional turmoil and interesting character development.
The only reason I suggested an expansion is because I read your blog where you said if there was interest you would want to, so I wanted to show that I would support if you wanted to expand, don't want to feel like I'm forcing you into writing more than you feel like.
Also I feel I should point out the mere fact you are actually going through and answering every single comment is a feat in itself that is worthy of all my respect. You're pretty awesome man.
Looking forward to whatever you write.
Can I stab that secretary?
1309032 Pegasi can control clouds and earth ponies can grow rocks, you'd think they could do something about the smog.
cdn.crushable.com/files/2012/08/right-in-the-feels.gif
1309032
I think the point was to empathize the changes twilight was willing to endure and by extension, the changes friendships could endure. He needed to almost alienate twilight from the town as she watched it fade into steel and ash. I also believe that it was simply 5 years since she left and that they had gone on for a while together and developed a little closer relationship (light twidash shipping was hinted at pretty strongly) as the seeds of change were being sown.
I definitely agree that the speed at which technological advancements progressed was unprecedented even under the most ideal of occasions, the demand for materials of higher grade must have skyrocketed and been consumed faster than older methods could produce. Perhaps instead of war, an event that would radically increase the population tenfold forcing travel to less populated areas, increased demand for food, shelter, jobs, and luxuries, and sudden political fluctuations as radical groups gain enough members to gain more power. An explanation is that these technologies may have been readily available but expensive and not worth the effort it would take to replace traditional methods. When that technology was finally needed enough to make it worthwhile, it was quickly adopted and mass produced to keep up with the strained supply and demand. With the country scrambling to maintain stability, morals are thrown aside in favor of better dividends and survivability. frivolities and celebrations are faded out and functional, calculated plans for survival and maximizing profits replace them. A nation gives up it's culture so that it's descendants might have a spitball's chance in hell at having a decent life in a working country instead of a burnt out shell with to few resources to sustain itself.
1312927
Shame on you!
Love and tolerance brony! Love and tolerance!
1312720
+1
Wow. Just... Wow.
You've done a brilliant transformation of Ponyville from a small town to an industrial wasteland. I am envious.
That being said, do you mind if I use elements of this story in a future story I may write?