The Upside to your Backside
The Upside to Your Backside
Twilight Sparkle was reading up on the history of transformative curses when the door to the library opened. Seated at the table in the centre of the room, she didn’t bother looking up at first. Most of the regulars knew their way around the place, after all, and her fellow book lovers were used to letting her read in peace.
“Umm... Twilight?”
Looking up, she noted her visitor was a grey pegasus colt with a dark grey mane, about ten years old. He had pink eyes and wore a pair of saddlebags a little bit behind his wings.
“Hi, Rumble. What brings you here?”
The greeting went unanswered, save for a distracted sigh. He closed the door, then looked around furtively as he approached her. Rumble looked awfully nervous, upset, even. It occurred to Twilight he was wearing his saddlebags quite far on the flank, rather than the usual spot on a pony’s back.
Is he hiding something?
Rumble gulped when he was sure they were alone. He spoke in a hushed tone, which only added to his nervous appearance.
“I-I’m… do you have any books on cutie marks?”
“Sure.” With a nod and a twinkle of her horn, she gave him an encyclopaedia of cutie marks and their meanings. ”What do you need it for?”
He sat down at the table with Twilight, making the saddlebags slip a little. She caught a glimpse of something on his flank. Something pink.
“Oh, you got your cutie mark! Congratulations!” Twilight clapped her hooves.
If he looked upset before, Rumble looked positively terrified now. He covered up his flank with the saddlebag again and stared at her. His breath quickened, his whole body shook like a leaf, and he looked close to crying.
“Don’t tell anyone, please.”
Twilight shuffled a little closer to him. He calmed down, but he closed his eyes, grimacing in embarrassment.
“What’s wrong? Don’t you like your special talent?”
Rumble looked away and sighed. “Not exactly. Turns out I didn’t get a very good one.”
Twilight sat right next to him now. She leaned in a little and put up the best comforting smile she could muster. “You can’t hide it forever, you know. Can I at least have a look?”
“Promise you won’t laugh?”
“I promise I won’t laugh.”
With his eyes closed again, Rumble nodded. Twilight slowly lifted the saddlebag on one end to get a good look at what was causing him so much worry. Her eyes widened at the sight. She covered it up again and shook her head to try and get things straight. “Oh. Oh my. Is that what I think it is?”
Rumble groaned and nodded. “It’s exactly what it looks like.”
Twilight tried to picture it, but the mental scene refused to form. “And how did you get it? On your own?”
“With Scootaloo.”
“Oh. Right, I suppose you would. And did you make the first move or did she?”
“She did. She said she was feeling kinky, and she wanted me to help. She looked really bad, it was bothering her. I said I’d help, and next thing I know I’m bending over her.”
“She let you bend over her? Scootaloo?”
“Yes.”
“And you just went and did whatever felt natural?”
“Not at first. It felt kinda weird, and Scootaloo didn’t enjoy it that much. She wanted me to go harder and faster. I didn’t know if that was normal or not, but I went along with it.”
Twilight considered it for a moment, trying to picture what had transpired. “It is normal, by the way. Not for most girls, but for Scootaloo it would be. But how did you feel about it?”
Rumble bit his lip. “It felt good. It felt really good. I just got into it, I wasn’t even sure of what I was doing. Then Scootaloo started panting, and I must have something really right, because she moaned like she really enjoyed it. Then she went limp under me. She had this silly smile on her face, too. When she got back up, she noticed this thing on my flank. She didn’t laugh, but I’ve been trying to hide it for hours now.”
Twilight grimaced as the picture completed itself. “I’ll admit, it’s not something a boy your age is supposed to get used to so quickly. It could have been worse, though.”
The colt whipped his head around to her, his body shaking again. “How? My talent’s not just useless, it’s-it’s embarrassing!”
Twilight patted him on the back to soothe his nerves. “There, there, it’s not that bad. Lots of ponies would be jealous of your talent.”
“Easy for you to say. What am I supposed to do when I grow up, with this thing on me for everypony to see?” Rumble winced and showed his offending cutie mark again.
“What do you want me to do about it, then?”
“Miss Cheerilee said we could come to you if we ever had trouble, that you’re like our school counsellor. You always help Apple Bloom and her friends, and Snips and Snails listen to you, too. So… please help?”
Twilight shot a glance towards the door. “You’re right, I am supposed to help, and I’m flattered that you trust me with something like this. Tell you what, why don’t we take this upstairs, where no one can see us if they come in. I’ve got some books lying around that might help. I’ve been meaning to get into it myself, actually, but you need it more than I do right now.”
With a resigned nod, he followed her up and lay down on the rug in the middle of Twilight’s bedroom. She hovered the appropriate book over as she lay down next to him, tilting it up so they could see. “Now, why do you feel so ashamed? I know it doesn’t look that impressive at first, but it’s a pretty good talent to have, isn’t it? Why, there are lots of ponies who do it for a living, even right here in Ponyville. Did Scootaloo complain afterwards? Was she sorry she’d asked?”
That elicited a weak smile from the boy.
“Well, no. She was pretty happy about it. She said if she ever felt kinky again, I’d be the first pony she’d talk to.”
“That’s a pretty big deal, you know. Scootaloo doesn’t usually go for that sort of thing, you should feel honoured.”
“I know. It’s just that getting so close to her, bending over her like that… it feels right, but it feels wrong too. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it.”
“You’re supposed to find a balance between practising your talent and simple courtesy.”
Rumble sighed in resignation. “What kind of lame talent is 'groping ponies', anyway?”
Twilight suppressed a chuckle and rubbed her forehead with her hoof. She took a deep breath to steady herself, not wanting to slip up and say something inappropriate. “Okay, first of all, a massage is not the same thing as groping. Groping is a rude gesture, and it's not something you should try or tolerate. A massage is gentle, consensual. You only do it when someone asks or if they let you. It also takes skill to do properly, and you should be proud that you can do it at such a young age. Second: I know we say ‘having a kink in our joints’, but ‘having a kink’ and ‘feeling kinky’ are two very, very different things. You really don’t want to mix those two up, trust me.”
“Oh. So what does ‘feeling kinky’ mean, then?”
For the briefest moment, Twilight considered explaining the difference to him. Then she remembered she was talking to a ten-year-old whose parents knew where she lived. “Something a well-mannered boy like you shouldn’t have to worry about. My point is: massaging is a very respectable talent. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
Rumble shook his head at the attempted comfort.
“Sure, for a girl, maybe. But I don’t want to make a living touching other ponies. I mean, just thinking about rubbing my hooves over some pony I don’t even know makes me feel… I dunno, dirty."
“Then don’t. Having a talent for massage doesn’t mean you have to make a living out of it. You could try acupuncture; it’s not the same as being a doctor, but it’s been known to work wonders for relaxing stressful ponies. You wouldn’t have to touch anyone. You could just use needles instead.”
“Okay, that doesn’t sound too bad.”
Twilight smiled as she saw him cheer up just a little. “Besides, there’s lots of other things you can do besides massaging. You could still be an athlete; knowing how to work your joints and warming up properly can help you get ahead in training. And you could still use your talent to help a special somepony feel better. Doesn’t that sound like a good thing?”
Twilight pondered his situation as she tried to show Rumble the silver lining to his talent. All in all, she felt she should have seen this coming. Rumble had struck her as looking a little more feminine than most boys his age, especially compared to his older brother. She also recalled the boy being remarkably quiet during hurricane training, seemingly disappearing until his turn came to do a lap. As a matter of fact -- despite him both residing and going to school in Ponyville -- Twilight couldn’t remember ever just seeing him around Ponyville. He was around, presumably he played with the other foals, but she never noticed the kid. It made sense a quiet colt like that would have a talent that involved some degree of sensitivity.
Reluctantly, Rumble agreed with her advice. “I guess. And I guess I can avoid the touching thing. It’s just that… why did my cutie mark have to be pink?”
Twilight winced in sympathy. Indeed, if one were to see his cutie mark alone, it would immediately bring to mind a filly or a mare. A slender pink hoof with a polished shine, pressing into a line that could only represent some pony’s back, it didn’t leave much room for interpretation. It even looked like it was giving a backrub when he walked, too.
She flipped the pages of the encyclopaedia to the section on colours. She put her hoof on the relevant section. “Pink is a gentle colour. It represents kindness, even affection. It’s like passionate red, but less intrusive.”
“And girly,” Rumble remarked.
“You can work around that. Boys are allowed to be sensitive, you know.”
“Not by other boys, we’re not. And not by most of the girls, either.”
Twilight frowned at his insistence. “It can’t be that bad. Big Macintosh still has my doll, he cries when he gets emotional, and nopony thinks less of him for that.”
Rumble raised an eyebrow and looked her right in the eye. “Big Macintosh can pull a house out of its foundations and topple a tree with one leg. He could run around in a girdle and no one would say anything. Actually, come to think of it, I’m pretty sure he has.” He narrowed his eyes as he tried to recall the occasion.
“So? You can still be a tough little guy with a pink cutie mark, can’t you?”
“How? What could possibly make me tough enough to make everyone not care about the pink thing?”
To that, Twilight floated two books over, the ones she had intended to show Rumble before she’d gotten side-tracked. She opened them both to a pair of pages showing anatomical charts. In both books, there was a pony’s body portrayed with an intricate network of threads and nodes, all carefully catalogued, mapped, and named.
“These charts show the nerve points of ponies. They’re the soft spots that your talent lets you feel out. Some of them are pretty big, but others are smaller than the head of a pin. I think if you study this, it might help develop that talent into something you can be really proud of.”
Rumble shook his head. “I still don’t get it. It’s the same chart, twice. How does that help make me look tougher?”
With a sigh, Twilight closed the books and revealed their covers.
As soon as it dawned on the colt, a confident smile appeared on his face and a ‘squee’ escaped his lips.
She tapped him on the shoulder to snap him out of the little reverie. “Don’t take it too lightly, now. I’m only showing you this because you’ll find out eventually, and because you need to learn about this. But keep in mind that you’ve got a big responsibility now. I don’t want to hear you’re abusing your new talent. Can I trust you with these books?”
Rumble turned his attention back to the books. He nodded solemnly. “All right. I can handle it, I promise.”
When he got to the playground near their school, his saddlebags back at the normal spot on his back, all his classmates gave Rumble a curious glance. His flank was no longer blank. It was now adorned with a picture of a pink hoof stroking a black line. Like clockwork, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon homed in on him for some verbal abuse, Diamond taking the lead. “Hey, Rumble. Nice cutie mark. Want to help me polish my hooves later?”
“Yeah, you should ask if they need help in the salon,” Silver Spoon goaded. ”Or at least put on a dress to go with your flanks.”
Scootaloo, surprisingly, was the first to speak up.
“Leave him alone! There’s nothing girly about giving backrubs. You’re just jealous ‘coz he’s actually got a talent that can make other ponies feel better, not just himself.” She leered as the other two Crusaders nodded in agreement.
Rumble, for his part, just flashed a confident grin as he set down the now laden saddlebags. He didn’t even mind the rest of his classmates crowding around to get a look at his cutie mark. “That’s okay, Scootaloo, I don’t mind. My talent’s actually massaging, which is kinda girly, but you know what? It doesn’t bother me. You see, I learned a very important lesson today. I learned that a talent can be useful for many different things. I learned that just because you get a cutie mark doing one thing, it doesn’t mean you have to do the same thing for the rest of your life.”
Twist smiled at that, thinking to herself about all the other things she’d learned to cook since getting her cutie mark in candy-making. Archer nodded, too, fondly remembering how her keen eye came in handy when helping her mom spot some pesky stains in their laundry. Diamond Tiara, though, was preparing a rebuttal. Rumble beat her to it just as she was opening her mouth. “I also learned another thing. About my talent, even. Wanna see?”
Without even waiting for the response, Rumble walked right up to Diamond Tiara and took her hoof in his, resting it over his wrist. She was taken aback by it, but she didn’t object or pull her hoof back.
“Feel that?” Rumble pressed his hoof into a little spot just above the inside of her elbow.
Diamond shook her head.
“No.”
“How about now?” The colt kept looking her in the eyes, one hoof held firm on her elbow, the other keeping her foreleg in the air.
Diamond looked right back in his eyes. “I don’t feel anything.”
“Not even my wing tickling you?”
Diamond Tiara broke the gaze. He’d curled his wing to start rubbing and tickling the bottom of her hoof. Yet Diamond didn’t find herself laughing, or even responding to the tickling. It just wasn’t registering. “Huh?”
“I’m pushing into a nerve point right now. Your whole arm will be numb for a little while, and if I really get rough on that point, it'll hurt. A lot.” He released the girl from his soft grip.
Her arm flopped a little, and she had to shake it to make sure it wasn't asleep. She couldn't get her hoof moving the way she wanted, though.
It was only now that the implications sank in.
“I can’t help how things turned out. I’m a colt and I have a touchy-feely talent. Part of that talent is knowing your soft spots, the ones that are sensitive. The ones that can hurt a lot. That’s a big responsibility, because that means I can be a real bully without even trying. Now, you said some mean things to me just because of my talent and just because I’m a boy. Are you going to keep being mean to me? Because I don’t wanna be a bully, but I can be if that’s what you want.”
He leaned in close for his final question. She could smell the soap he used to wash himself in the morning: ‘Hatchet for Colts’, the stuff he got from his older brother and made every stallion smell of musk. He didn't look threatening, he genuinely looked like he was just asking a friendly question. He even narrowed his eyes like he was scared of her response.
“Do you want me to be a bully now?”
Nursing her now numb arm, Diamond Tiara violently shook her head. Her expression was enough to dissuade anyone else from daring the boy. They’d all known him as a nice kid and no one had ever really thought to pick on him before. After that little demonstration and the reaction it got, no one was about to start.
Turning his back to the pair to face the Crusaders, Rumble smiled triumphantly. “So, what are we playing?”
The girls shrugged and tossed a ball towards him, leaving the two rich kids to ponder their attempted humiliation and its retaliation. Diamond’s arm just hung limply, the hoof barely strong enough to stand on for a few minutes. Silver Spoon poked it for a bit, yielding a few yelps. Everypony else just minded their own business.
He wasn’t sure if he’d gotten respect from his peers or if he'd just turned intimidating, but Rumble appreciated the peace and quiet that came with it.
“So your talent’s feeling out soft spots and massaging, huh?” Apple Bloom started as she bounced their ball his way.
He caught the ball, balanced it on his nose for a few seconds, then nudged it up towards Sweetie Belle. “Well, sort of, I guess. Twilight says I’ve got a lot of options.”
“That’s good, right? And it does look pretty nice on you,” Sweetie Belle added with just a hint of admiration. He noted the slight apprehension in talking to him, something he could only guess was due to minor envy. Still, he enjoyed their company, and Sweetie Belle kept staring at his newly adorned flank.
Sweetie Belle herself didn’t try to hide the fact that she was staring. As far as she was concerned, Rumble was just cute, and pink did match his colours quite nicely. It was rare to see a boy with good colour coordination.
Rumble stealthily turned so she could only look at him from the front, catching the ball on his nose again before passing it back.
“Thanks, but I’m still a little worried about how it looks, you know? I don’t know if I should keep it covered or not. I don’t want to look like a girl. No offense.”
Sweetie Belle rubbed her chin in thought. “Hmm… You know, you could probably get away with it if you just dress right.”
The three girls shared a look, and the ball they’d been passing to each other and Rumble fell to the ground, ignored. The colt felt the tension in the air. He’d seen this situation before. It could only mean one thing.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS FASHION EXPERTS! YAY!”
Everyone within earshot (a shot with a long range) turned to stare at the colt and fillies.
Rumble shook, his mind reeling with the probable outcome. He could see it happen now: they were going to drag him along, in public, and dress him up. Most likely he’d end up in Carrousel Boutique, on display. Everypony else knew it, too. The colts and fillies of his class bored into him with their gaze, anxiously awaiting his reaction.
Slowly, quietly, Rumble collected his saddlebags. The Crusaders, realising they might have just embarrassed him, stared awkwardly at the boy.
“Okay. My mom’s been wanting me to get some new clothes, might as well see what fits now. But you have to promise not to make me look stupid or girly. Promise?”
“We promise!” came the synched call, before the three surrounded him.
With his things and thoughts collected, Rumble took a moment to ponder the fact that he was walking off with three girls at his side. Some of the other foals raised their eyebrows at that, what with the reputation the girls had. The idea that any pony – let alone a colt -- would agree to let them and Rarity dress him up was enough to set all faces to ‘stunned’.
Rumble ignored the looks.
He just strutted off with all the dignity of Big Macintosh in a corset.
The End
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Probably the funniest thing I've ever written was, "Yeah, it's a gynecology cutie mark. I'd show it to you, but...it's a gynecology cutie mark."
Oh, and: He did't look threatening, he genuinely looked like he was just asing a friendly question
Ok. Its good, but somehow i cant come up with much to say. Loved the implication thing were the readers left to (try to) figure out whats actually going on before its spelled out (i failed twice).
Still, nice. 1 Like from me.
For a second I thought... umm.... hehe...
But great story. Loved it. Only one mistake I could find.
1296595
Thanks for catching that one. A lot of the original is still there, but the final confrontation was re-written. It's hard to catch in the Edit mode...anyway, glad you liked it!
So... does this mean that Rumble can activate V.A.T.S now?
8 Trigrams; 64 Hooves!
1296637
Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery? I'm not sure, actually. I guess what his talent is about is feeling soft spots and instinctively knowing how and where to touch them. So: think Byakugan, but in the hooves, not the eyes. And obviously he doesn't have the whole Gentle Fist Style combat going...I'm saving that and Sharingan ponies for the Flight Camp sequel.
1296652
Dammit, man, you posted it before I could even reply that. But really, that sort of thing is also going to show up in another work in the works.
1296654
No. It's the Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System. Basically, you have a really good idea on which part of the body you should target if you want to disable your enemies.
I thought most bronies are well ware of Fallout as- Wait...you got the joke, didn't you?
...Now that I think of it, Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery actually sounds relevant.
1296665
Now I get the joke, yes. And no, Fallout is one of those things I'm not aware of. I'm Flemish; according to our television stations Korra premiered three weeks ago and there's only one season of MLP. Games-wise...I don't play much anymore. But yeah, that would be a fair comparison.
1296590
Caught and corrected. Again: that bit got revised a few times, even while it was in queue, I think. Oh well, serves me right, I suppose.
1296665
I was thinking more of Fist of the North Star myself.
If this is complete, don't forget to mark it as such.
1296830
Wow. Can't believe I missed that. Blame it on working on the cover pic for so long. Doing the entire pony before cutting to the head is not an energy-efficient way of going about it, turns out...
Anyway, hope you like it.
dat power of suggestion. I was freaking out at first, like "ZOHEMGEE SEX!!"
Made me lol, thanks.
Ah, yes. The power to destroy an opponent's nervous system with little more than a few well placed strikes.
Martial Arts Masters and Chiropractors from around the globe will be beating a trail to his door.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png
Haha, this is seriously well-done. You had me going for a while there.
Great job!
Reaction to first part:
dl.dropbox.com/u/72959170/spittake.gif
Reaction to last part:
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/8/21/Rhgdw8RgAUirO60RmNaNdA2.gif
Well played, well written, and well resolved.
oh god i lost it at the last line...
"with all the dignity of Big Macintosh in a girdle"
1301593
Thanks. I'm pretty proud of that one, actually. The whole thing was supposed to be a bit of a social commentary on the fact that girls are now allowed to behave outside of their gender roles, but guys still need to compensate when they act girly in some way. In other words: Scootaloo can be a tomboy, but Rumble has to be a manly man...or a stalliony stallion, I'm not sure. I should get a pic of Rumble walking off with a smug look, actually, or him getting new clothes. Anyways, I digress.
As I said when I first submitted this to the prompt:
The first half is a sex joke, the second half is a joke about the sexes. And judging from the reaction, not a bad one...
1298757
You can thank the good people at Author Support for the resolution. Originally Rumble just talked about his talent and only mildly threatened Diamond Tiara. This was considered a bit bland by the judges, and in retrospect I have to agree. The problem is that this story was pretty happy-go-lucky in tone, and adding violence creates a dissonance to this. As a matter of fact, one person felt it out of character and even out of show style that Twilight would show a foal how to hurt others. It's a fair point, so I made that bit a little more cautious. I found a middle ground that I hope everyone is okay with.
One thing that didn't make it in, F.Y.I., was the scene shifting to the books he now carried. One would be titled "Caring Hooves: 100 Points Everyone Wishes You Knew". The other would be called "Regions of Agony: 100 Spots Everyone Wishes You Didn't Know". It seemed funny to add it, but it's kinda pointless. Too much tell, not enough show, I guess.
Anyways, thanks for the comments and the likes. I'm shocked at how popular this thing is, actually. It's never going to get featured, but still...
It's a pretty well-written story, though I'd think some people would be a bit confused as to what exactly was Rumble's cutie mark. It's never really out-and-out stated.
Some lieing Train Wreck Explorer just Choo Chood this story. Hopefully it can get removed as fast as possible.
1304722 It was added to the Padded Cell. That's a good thing, and should be considered an honor.
1304799 isnt the padded cell a way of saying "how the buck do people like this?!" idk, that's what i was able to infer
Thank you Padded Cell, this was really good. I would love to give you something to improve with, but beyond spelling issues, nothing to be found. Loved what you did in the beginning. "Why, there are lots of ponies who do it for a living, even right here in Ponyville.", the mental image of pony prostitutes still has not left, and is still really damn funny. 5/5 my good sir.
1304825
Isn't the padded cell for when people need to unwind. What's better than a humorous fluff fic that had 59 upvotes to 0 downvotes when it was added?
1304873 ah. that makes more sense.
1304933
Wonder who the idiot who saw the thing enter TWE and downvoted it was?
This is an awesome bit of commentary, but you could really take this into at the very LEAST a few more chapters, if not more, maybe delving into Rumble's life after earning his Cutie Mark, exploring his new talent(s) involving it, learning whatever trade he takes an interest in given his skill with his hooves....et-cetera. Or maybe skip to him being older, bypassing all of that stuff to just get into his life when he's older, or maybe the love life that comes with him growing up.
Much like Rumble's special talent, you have plenty of options there. Of course you could also just leave it a one-shot of coolness, but I really think it could be even better as something with more chapters to it. You're a good writer, I'm confident you could concoct a damn good storyline for this whole scenario.
1304943 actually not me.
1304825 "The padded cell" is the place where people put stories when they think they have the makings of a classic. Personally, I don't think this story was that good. But it was a pretty good fic. =3
1305049 the name "padded cell" is a bit misleading
1305036
Wasn't blaming you... just was asking a rhetorical question.
1305074 ah. it kinda seemed like u were. My mistake.
1305057 Heh, yea. I get that. Honestly, I'm not sure what the motivation for that particular name was, but as it's called that I s'pose there's not much we can really do about it, eh?
This was a great story. A chuckle-worthy take on Rumble's cutie mark.
1304704
Yes, it was out and out stated. It's a slender pink hoof pushing into line that represents some pony's back. It's described right after Rumble laments that it's pink. Don't tell me I deleted that bit by accident? Though, to be fair: I guess I should really make a pic of it. Maybe it is unclear. On the 'to-do' list it goes!
1304866
Spelling issues? Where? Some readers have already pointed out silly things I missed, the reviewers at Author Support offered grammar advice (I didn't know spacing inside the quotation marks was wrong...might be a cultural difference). Oh, if you're referring to the spelling of 'encyclopaedia', I tend to put things in British English. That might have confused some.
1304970
. First Quorum Sensing sequel, then Ponyville's First Warrior Meet (spoiler alert: sequel to my Flight Camp thingie), then maybe I'll look into this if I can come up with a good plotline. Problem is: I keep writing the same young male characters: gentle, shy, but capable of hurting others and scared because of it. I'd have to think on it to see how I can make that more original.
Great. That's exactly what I needed: another story that's dying for a sequel
And, incidentally: that one downvote came quite quickly after posting, I think it had 20 votes up at the time. I don't mind; some people just don't like this sort of thing. And any addition to a group means more exposure, so yay!
Delightful read. I love how you turned the sex joke around.
"feeling kinky" LOL
and you damn well can picture kids saying crap like that and completely misinterpreting the meaning.
1307078
That was what I was talking about. The differences between British and American always surprise me.
You don't have to be proud of who you are, what you do, or what you like.
But you don't ever have to be ashamed of it either.
One of the best messages. (Massages?)
Write on!
1323578
Heheh, thanks. One of the main things I wanted to do with this story was to make a light joke fic that still had some depth and plot. I've seen a few stories get really popular with just the joke, but I rarely find myself liking those. People who don't like the joke can still enjoy the message, at least that's what I hoped for.
Man, this thing's my most popular story yet. What the hay?
SPOILER ALERT!!!
((This is going to be pretty minimalist for one of my drive-by critiques.))
Rumble did have slightly feminine features
-Interesting. The first thing I thought of when you started getting into this was this:
(at around 48 seconds)
(and later this)
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5uqmfJ9mGw#t=10m08s] (at around 10 minutes, 8 seconds)
And noting that the masseuse seems to be male, and slightly more thick-limbed (and thus muscular by implication) and larger-bodied than the average pony. Of course, I later made the connection that you were making a point about it being OK for a male to have "girly" traits.
Still later I am put in mind of the "Fluttershy
KillsMassages a Bear" scene which certainly demonstrated a need for strength. I wonder if that scene inspired you? Of course, I could see Fluttershy being tired if she had to do that twice in a row. Then again, the muscle tissues for endurance aren't as bulgy as those for short-term raw strength.With a sigh, Twilight closed the books and revealed their covers.
-I like keeping the mystery at this point, but some readers may be a bit slow, so you might want to slip in something about Rumble being happy he had stayed up late studying "Pressure Points for Self-Defense" or whatever you want to call the book... probably something a bit more general than that being about martial arts, rather than pressure points specifically.
It was rare to see a boy with good colour coding.
-I suggest replacing "coding" with "coordination".
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-I never even noticed the masseur pony. Damn, there goes that sequel idea...
As for inspiration: I saw the prompt and I thought: "Okay, everyone's going to do something with being happy to discover their talent. I need some sort of way to make getting a talent seem plausible (since in my headcanon they get it from pride, not the act), yet they can't be too happy about it after getting it. So Rumble walks in, he wants information on his cutie mark, and he's embarrassed about it."
I literally just took the prompt and went with it. That, and I'm a practising chaoist (fancy way of saying 'into magic of all sorts'), so I have books on massage and pressure points lying around. What inspired me was 'Path Notes of an American Ninja Master'. Particularly important are the bits where the author insists that in all martial arts the softer hand is considered the best, and that a lot of Oriental doctors are also martial artists. Or vice versa, I forget.
Soo...this weird stuff is my stock in trade, really. Dash of Gold handled nigredo/Dark Night of the Soul from a biological perspective, my Flight Camp fic handled (spoiler!) Kundalini Syndrome ponified, Quorum Sensing used morphic fields and...well, quorum sensing as a plot device. This one handles pressure points and gender stereotyping, my next entry into the prompt involves the occult history behind the use of gems. I'm also a big fan of Jungian psychology, what little I know of it, and I like to think it shows.
-The book titles...yeah, some readers might have problems with that, but I've already got one last punchline for the end, and putting that in between it would dilute some of the impact, I feel. Putting it in as an epilogue? Maybe, but I'd need a good reason for that. Why would he stay up all night if he's not that overly excited about it? He can wait, as it stands now. It just seems like a scene that belongs in a different story. And as for the actual book title: see above comments for that.
Again: my main concern was to get a oneshot comedy fic that's not just about one big joke. People can still like it even if they see the punchline coming a mile away (which some have, btw). I'm getting response about how funny the sex joke is and how accurate the social commentary is, which is pretty darn surprising from where I'm sitting. I didn't think it'd catch on, really
. It's not featured, but I don't care: people like it.
-Word 'coding' changed to 'coordination'. How that happened, I have no idea, that's just embarrassing
. The odd thing is: my sister has a book on colour coordination (used to fix my OC, Doldrum Whimper), but I didn't think of the right word in English.
Thanks for the feedback, it means worlds to me.
...Yes.
Rumble is now one of the most badass and masculine colts in Equestria.
That boy is going to get all the mares when he's older.
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Last line, you mean, or the confrontation or threatened dress-up? The last line was just to drive home the main point of the story. It's also a mental image that I'm sure will haunt a few nightmares.
1511112 The last line, mostly. I lost it.
This! This is possibly the cutest and simply most hilarious thing I've read in quite some time. Congratulations on making laugh so hard I can barely breath. Thank you!
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How to respond to such a comment? What could possibly convey all the emotions elicited by such constructive feedback.
I can't think of anything. Fluttershy, you have any ideas?
Oh, and please upvote. It's been hanging just below the triple digits thumbs for a while now...
Well, hi there! OtterMatt here, membership and assignment admin with WRITE. I puzzled over why I saw this story coming across my reviewing requests spreadsheet. I mean, of course I recognized it; it's not every day someone makes it to the Padded Cell folder. The story was, of course, rather good, so I pondered over why I was seeing it now, wanting for opinions. Well, in the end, I decided to give it to the most critical person I could find: me.
You want to know if this little story of yours has a chance to make it to the vaunted halls of EqD, do you? Well, there's three or four people at least in WRITE who know what it takes to make it (I'm one), and I can definitely say that you have a shot. With that in mind, let's parse through this comedy and see what roadblocks might pop up to hinder your path.
First off, if there's ANYTHING the prereaders can point at from a grammatical or mechanical standpoint, they will. It's one of the only things they have that isn't opinion, and they like to sound objective where they can. With that in mind...
Because this is an address, there needs to be a comma between "Hi" and "Rumble." But you got the comma before the attribution right. I'm SO glad I don't have to try to walk you through that minefield.
There's a couple of places scattered here and there where I might have changed up the sentence construction for clarity, or used commas differently, but to go over that here would be far too tedious and overinvolved for this forum
Instead, let's move on to the plots—er... the plot.
First off, this is a short fic, only 3400 words. Because of this, every word counts. Overall, I think you've done a good job of selling scenes with an economy of words, but certain parts really seem to flash by without enough weight. For instance, the flashback scenes. Yes, I know you're still trying to play it coy and hold the innuendo joke, but those scenes are WAY too short. They either need to be expanded (not my pick), or dropped and moved into narrative. Having flashbacks that short really works better if you're making that mechanic a core part of the narrative (and if your fic is longer). Besides the fact that it would flow better being described by Rumble himself, it could also be really humorous watching Twilight's distinctly uncomfortable reaction to his storytelling. As it stands, her response is a little too dismissive for the situation (more on that later). Shortfic can work really well, but you've set an additional challenge for yourself by shifting moods halfway in. Also, innuendo humor really won't get you to EqD, so I'm so glad that you've taken it in a deeper direction. The question is just if you made it solid enough to stand on its own. I'm not certain if it is, but that's such a personal opinion that it's hard to really make outright. The only way you'll have anything useful on that is to send it in and see what they say. If they think it's too weak as it is, I'm sure I could find a few places and ways that it could be expanded and filled out.
One thing I know the prereaders are going to bring up is showiness. Right now, you've got a bit too much telling going on in the fic, and by that, I mean you're telling the audience things that they either can't or shouldn't know from the narrative alone.
I've marked a few passages with purple to point out the parts of those that are telling. Some telling is unavoidable, and good, especially things like backstory or exposition, but these places are more about things that you could reword to show the audience rather than merely telling them. It's like in the S3 opener; Celestia could very easily have just told Twilight that dark powers make the kingdom bad and all that, but instead, she shows her the results. You have to do something similar as a writer, and it's not always easy working in a text-based medium.
I'll just touch briefly on characterization. Rumble is pretty good. He plays the confusion and discomfort we expect. The problem is that Twilight doesn't come off as herself, unless you inform the audience that she's not having a great day. She seems a bit short, and a bit too curt in dealing with an obviously distressed colt.
Good, but compare those reactions to these:
These are the reactions I would have if I were made to deal with kids that age. Mostly because I'm not very good at it, but while these may be the actions you're trying to portray, they're not the right reactions. Shrugging is dismissive. Groaning displays frustration and irritation. A sigh indicates that she's annoyed that Rumble isn't catching on. Very subtle word choices work to give the audience not only the picture of the scene, but the feeling behind it. Twilight should be more concerned, more caring—or at the very least, more consistent.
When you came to WRITE for a review, you asked two very distinct questions, and I'll finally lay out the answers to those now.
1) What are your chances of making EqD? As it stands right now, I wouldn't expect this to pass. It might just be worth it to send it in, though. My first effort is almost always just an effort to test the waters, and see what the prereaders point out. Still, I would expect that they would make very short allusions to the items I mentioned above. I do think that this story could become good enough with some TLC, though.
2) How good is your best? You know what? I've read a LOT. I've worked on reviewing some of the better stories this site has ever seen, and paid an uncomfortable amount of money on college literature courses (and, you know, the rest of the courses, too). I mention these things just so that I can give my opinion some weight, but I like this fic. It's fun, quick, and has a whiff of the heartfelt to it. I think it can be made to be better, but what it shows me most is potential.
When I read this, I get the sense that you, as a writer, have a lot of talent. I can not urge you enough to keep writing, keep developing your style and technique. Come back and see us at WRITE, maybe even beg one or two of us to be prereaders for your next story, but I'd be quite happy to see more of your work in the future.
Final Verdict: 4.5/5 Pinkies
- OtterMatt, WRITE Assignment Admin and Composer Laureate
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