Escape Room, With Zombie (Pinkie and the "BRRAAAAIIINNS!")

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Escape Room, With Zombie (Pinkie and the "BRRAAAAIIINNS!")

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Rainbow Dash innocently signs up her friends for an 'escape room' game.

But what if the 'escape room' is really a lab that experiments on human subjects?

What if the mad psychologist who runs the lab decides to change the rules of the game?

I thank for prereading: EileenSaysHi. In fact, this story was a contest prize commission for EileenSaysHi, who chose:

Personalized Commission: SciSet x FlutterPie double date!

#custom-story-commission #commission

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #1 · Jul 1st, 2022 · · · Amenities ·

That was right before my family left Cloudsdale in a hurry, and we never went back.

"Didn't Rainbow Dash used to live in Cloudsdale?"
"Oh, we definitely don't talk about why she never goes back."

But just in case...any hypnotic suggestions Glimmer might have given you? You don't have to do them. They're null and void. I'm cancelling them.

"Can you do that?"
"Hey, as long as she thinks I can."

Delightful bit of madness... though the girls might want to consider some extrajudicial friendship rainbows. Or Shining may forward those utopia papers to a national security agency of some sort that can address Starlight. In any case, thank you for a lovely bit of fluff and madness.

Hotel_Chicken

Hotel_Chicken #2 · Jul 1st, 2022 · · · Amenities ·

"Be very, very quiet," Fluttershy whispered. "We're sneaking out of the escape room."

HA!

UrsaMajor

UrsaMajor #3 · Jul 1st, 2022 · · · Amenities ·

I'm a bit confused about the poem(?) at the end.

SparklingTwilight

SparklingTwilight #4 · Jul 2nd, 2022 · · · Amenities ·

"I understand why you're concerned. But wanting to set up an evil mind control cult isn't against the law."
Time for a new law!

fanreader999999

fanreader999999 #5 · Jul 2nd, 2022 · 1 · 4 · Amenities ·

Meh.

ScisetShimmerEvan

ScisetShimmerEvan #6 · Oct 15th, 2022 · · · Amenities ·

"It's like an escape room game!" blurted the woman, whose purple and cyan hair was put up in a matronly-looking hairstyle.

Blurted*

"What I mean is...this is like sports, but for your mind. 'A sound mind in a sound body,' right?

Missing a " at the end.

"Never mind. Just show me how to sign my friends up. And can you make it look like a gift certificate?"

Your so getting it later Dash.

The door flew open, slamming against the wall as a girl with long pink hair ran in. "It was so horrible!" she wailed. "How could they?"

She*

The pink-haired girl sniffled. "'Doctor Glimmer' asked me what my favorite kind of animal is. A favorite kind of animal! How could I pick just one? That's mean to every OTHER kind of animal."

Pinkie slowly staggered forward. "Raarr!" she said.

She*

"Braaaiins!" Pinkie insisted. She slowly gnawed on Twilight's head, gently enough not to break the skin.

Aaaand now it's gotten worse!

Sunset said, "Um...let's just assume this is part of the escape room game. Maybe 'Doctor Glimmer' told her to do this as part of the process. So let's figure out how to escape, and maybe then Pinkie will stop playing zombie."

Let's* and a space is needed before it.

Twilight gestured upwards. "I figured out one way to escape before the rest of you even got here. This is just a hanging drop ceiling. All you have to do is pop a tile up, and climb carefully on top of the walls in the space between the ceiling and the real roof. Any hacker--I mean, I learned about the technique when I was studying computer security."

Right...

Twilight sighed. "That makes too much sense. Some authority figures don't appreciate when someone else is smarter than they are. I could tell you stories...but maybe later. Let's solve the puzzle first."

But* And a space is needed before it.

Fluttershy shook her head. "I don't think there are any animals IN this building. I think they only experiment on HUMANS here." She shivered. "In this place, WE'RE the rats they...do things to."

Do* and a space is needed before it.

"Sure," Sunset agreed. "I think that's all we need to do. But...how do we DO that?"

How* again, a space is needed before that.

"It turns out, some people like to take classes where everyone is very, very quiet and has to concentrate on what they're doing, like a kind of meditation. It doesn't even have to be a useful skill...or at least not useful for most people, most of the time." Fluttershy shrugged.

Or* a space is needed after ...

Twilight reached towards the papers. "May I?" she asked.

She*

Fluttershy whispered, "If this really is a scientific experiment, this room probably already has cameras and microphones and video recordings and...you know, all that stuff. Lots of surveillance."

You* and a space is needed again after ...

Twilight looked down at Pinkie, slowly struggling beneath Sunset. "What I think is weird is how Pinkie has been playing along by acting like a zombie for so long. Even after..." She gestured at the safe and waved the plans for a brainwashing cult, which she stuck into the back of her skirt waistband, covering the top with her blouse. "Do you think Glimmer brainwashed Pinkie somehow, and now Pinkie CAN'T stop acting like a zombie, no matter how good a reason she has to stop?"

Could be? 🤔

Fluttershy whispered, "Maybe. But if Pinkie keeps acting like a zombie forever, that would make lots of people suspicious. I have an idea." She stood up, walked to the wall clock, and used one finger to push the hands forward by an hour and a half. "Look, Pinkie!" she said. "It's six fifteen! The escape room game has been over for fifteen minutes!"

Capitalize 'she' after 'Pinkie!'

Pinkie looked up at the clock. "Oh!" she said. "That's good! Glimmer hypnotized me and told me I had to act like a zombie during the game, or I'd be cheating. I'm so glad I don't have to try to eat my friends anymore."

She*

Officer Shining Armor nodded. "I understand why you're concerned. But wanting to set up an evil mind control cult isn't against the law. Not giving you your agreed upon payment for participating in an experiment might be illegal...but you sneaked out of the experiment early. So it's hard to prove she wouldn't have paid you if you'd stayed to the end."

https://m.

Shining said, "Locking you into a room without a proper emergency exit in case of fire sounds like a violation of workplace safety laws. You could talk to the city fire marshal, or a few different state agencies, or even OSHA. Any of those would be a good way to start. If bureaucrats do a 'surprise safety inspection,' they might stumble across all sorts of interesting things."

OSHA?

Other than the mistakes this was a good one.

Mockingbirb

Mockingbirb #7 · Oct 15th, 2022 · · · Amenities ·

11394299
Thanks! After reviewing https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Dialogue, I have already applied at least one of these suggested changes/corrections.

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