Into a civil war

Lord Blundergosh

Lord Blundergosh #1 · May 17th, 2022 · 2 · · Battle For Washington D.C: Aftermath ·

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Was not expecting to see a crossover with Kaiserreich, but hey, that might turn out refreshingly new

Iredwolf

Iredwolf #2 · May 17th, 2022 · · · Battle For Washington D.C: Aftermath ·

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11244347
Eeyup. Hopefully, this story ends up just as good as my first.

what do you think?

dannny43

dannny43 #3 · May 18th, 2022 · 1 · · Battle For Washington D.C: Aftermath ·

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Ramirez! Reunite the States with this burger!

Iredwolf

Iredwolf #4 · May 18th, 2022 · · · Battle For Washington D.C: Aftermath ·

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11244575
That's actually a second reason why I named my OC Ramirez

Sgt. Foley: "Ramirez! I need you to take back burger town!"

That One Strange Fellow

That One Strange Fellow #5 · May 18th, 2022 · 1 · · Battle For Washington D.C: Aftermath ·

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I have to agree with Lord Blundergosh, it is a bit unexpected to see a crossover like this. It's a surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one.

I do have some remarks about this first chapter, so cover your eyes if you don't want to be raked over the coals of constructive criticism:

1. Get an editor. The number of small grammatical errors really takes away from the narrative. Out of curiosity, are you a non-native English speaker? The choice of some words and the sentence structure seems to suggest so, which doubles the reason why you should get an editor so they can look for words that aren't exactly well known (like diminutive, I had to look that one up and I've spoken English my whole life). Reading other (well-written) stories can help you learn the formatting and language they make use of, thus improving your own writing.

2. In terms of story, Ramirez ISN'T a canon name, and therefore doesn't jive with MLP canon (as Thorax, Pharynx, and Ocellus are all biology-related names). If you want their name to fit in with both canon and the story, I would recommend them getting the name 'Ramirez' while in the human world, with them having a different name initially in the MLP-verse. Maybe even have Richard be the one to give it to her, forming a bit closer of a bond (if they are intended to be comrades-in-arms).

3. For what happens in this first 'real' chapter, it is mostly glossed over. Expanding different parts can help set the mood of the scene, and it gives readers a little more to chew on with both characters and setting. Maybe provide some Richard POV on the war, a little sprinkling about their life and/or knowledge about the world. Maybe Ramirez can demonstrate some basic survival skills to give the readers a more concrete idea of her capabilities (foreshadowing for later. Introduce camouflage, basic first-aid (which you already kinda touched on), maybe even some basic changeling-centric subterfuge). Not everything needs to be demonstrated, but stories with pacing that is too fast make the introduction of new skills seem rushed (even if you put it in chapter 4, if each chapter only has 1,600 words then that's still only 5,600 words).

4. For something set during a war, I'm a little confused by the 'Teen' rating. Normally stories involving war are Mature because of the amount of death, gore, and cruelty that occurs. Maybe it could be argued war in Equestria is different, but we ain't in Equestria anymore.

5. Going back to number 3, flesh out the characters! We can gather next to nothing about either character in this first chapter, and that's a bit of a problem. They don't need mountains of text, but including a few bits of solid personality that is core to who they are can go a long way. Is Richard playful? Maybe have him screw around with some of his fellow soldiers during the Victory March. Is Ramirez gentle/kind? Maybe in a chapter or two have her express that towards someone else where it isn't a requirement. There's a lot you can do with demonstrating character personality, and it makes it all the more enjoyable reading experience!

I mean, I could go on for a while about the different points, but I'm not entirely sure where you want to take this story off towards. I provided more generalized criticisms, but depending the direction you hope to go, there could be even more things that should be considered for this first chapter (and the subsequent ones).

Anyway, I'll keep an eye on this for the time being to see if you take the criticism to heart. It's not a bad idea you have (unlike what some others might say), but it does need more work on the execution. Don't let this get you down, it's always possible to improve. I go through at least half-a-dozen full-chapter edits with each of my story's chapters, and even then I still find places to improve on. If you're looking to improve your writing for both your accomplishment and reader satisfaction, I would definitely recommend checking out other stories that are recommended for their quality and to browse places like The Writers' Group for tips on improving.

Iredwolf

Iredwolf #6 · May 18th, 2022 · 1 · · Battle For Washington D.C: Aftermath ·

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11244727
Yeah, I gotta agree, I do need an editor or something since I didn't pay attention in English class lmao.

thanks for pointing out some errors for me, I'll fix them as best as I can! (maybe when I get some sleep, I need the energy for the coffee shop tomorrow)

I am going to have some trouble coming up with a different name for Rami though (not really that creative when it comes to names).

Currently, I'm relying on Grammarly though which could only do so much (I.e spelling and all).

As for Richerd and Ramirez (along with any other future characters I might add), I'll see if I could squeeze in and provide more information about them.

Iredwolf

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