My writing slowly improves, I believe. I hope to be an even better writer tomorrow. Feel free to join my Discord.
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Okay
I'm out.
Sorry, Boopy. I've read most of your stories and I've liked a good number of them. But this is looking like it's going to be a rehash of Beyond Me, just tens of thousands of words of your protagonist endlessly whining like an angtsy teenager, totally oblivious to the realities around him and just constantly whining about the same, single thing no matter how good or bad or nice or dangerous or deadly anything going on around him is. If you want to write stories about gender dysphoria, ok fine. I'm sure that can be an interesting topic. Lots of stories on this site are about transformation content. Becoming a pony, becoming a mare, becoming a stallion, becoming a goat or a dragon or alicorn or...I vaguely remember seeing a story about becoming a tree at one point. And drama is ok too. We've all read angtsy stories about newly immortal Twilight coming to terms with the mortality of her friends. To be fair those also get tired and stale after a while, but at least they generally have some thought put into them.
But when the response to absolutely every situation and character interaction is "WAHH!!!!! I have a penis! WAHHH!!!" that makes for a shallow character and a boring story. "Oh, wow! I've been transported to Equestria!" --> "WAHH I have a penis! WAHHH!" "Oh no, I may be about to die of frostbite or starvation or falling off a mountain!" --> "WAHH I have a penis! WAHHH!" Hello, human! I want to be your friend!" --> "WAHH I have a penis! WAHHH!" ...over and over ad nauseum and over again...it makes a terribly boring and often frustrating story.
(No matter what happens) --> whine about body parts. You've written this story before. Once was enough. If you want to write about gender dysphoria, ok fine...but please at least make it more interesting than just one-dimensional whining about it no matter what happens.
11215318
Absolutely understandable. The early part of the story is a lot of that, I will admit. But just like Beyond Me has, it's going to move past that. I understand if you don't want to read it though. Thank you for taking the time to comment, always appreciated it. I'm sorry that you don't think there's any thought put into it though.
11215318
Well, getting frostbite in right places may fix the penis problem once and for all
Also, seems you kinda described like, over a half of gender dysphoria fics on this site...
11215347
Well, either way, it is helpful for how to adjust future chapters and make her more sympathetic and interesting.
Beware.... one should be weary of rousing a wizards wrath! Lest ye be turned into a newt!
On a side note, why is that the go to? Newts are cool. Their cute little lizards with derpy faces and blue gloves.
Of course there could always be a dysphoria story where the protagonist is a masochist so they like that they hate it.
11216840
That would be the most interesting story of all time. One that deserves to be told by someone who is not me.
Hi new friend!
(Sorry, but it was just too perfect : ) Interesting story so far! )
It seems odd to me that their disphoria is focused solely around gender. I would expect being the wrong species would be equally traumatic.
11251463
All I can say on that is that I disagree, doubly so since Rally specifically asked to be a pony.
This is a really entertaining story. I put it on tracking.
Was that a Green Day reference I saw?
11257665
It's a possibility. Maybe even from the song Basket Case.
I'm kinda sad that they don't get to see cadence. Tell them it's an emergency whatever...sigh...poor little ponies.
I think there is a possibile plot point that you should address in some form... While getting a formal audience with Cadence will take a year, a less formal letter written to Twilight would likely get to her in just a few days or weeks.
Even if universe Twilight has a staff to read her correspondence rather than doing it herself...(hmmm naaa Twilight would speed read happily through bags and bags of mail) if the include info about the likely inadation of new strange ponies from Earth popping up near ponyville, her letter would like draw Twilight attention.
While this seems the likely outcome... You may want to just explain why it wouldn't work. Perhaps there been a long term mail strike from CE to Equestria because of too many accidents caused by a certain gray mail pony?
11268496
It might work
and may or may not be written into the story already.11215347
Yes, I have to admit, I came to this website to read novels for a few days, and I have seen the author's gender recognition problem more than once.
D'aww, that was a nice ending scene.
Moberly needs to fuck off in to the sun.
Why do I get the feeling that Rally saw his(her) future foal?
Hm, they were talking letters...
Hey, Discord, can you turn me into mare, pretty please?
Ex-human, Rally, at Chrystal Empire.
11215778
They're also highly sought for their eyes as magical components.
am i misreading this or are people in the groupchat misgendering rally...?
11298198
Some of them are, yes.
If you would like to borrow an OC, let me know via PM.
They're so cute!
Sheesh...... not even through the second chapter and I'm slamming my head on my desk......
They're stranded in a winter wasteland, with no shelter, food, or water, death by hypothermia very VERY high on a list of things that could happen....... and their first instinct is to bitch and moan about how they're the wrong gender? Bruh you've got waaaaay more important things to worry about right now than the fact you have a dick n' balls........
11348251
Dysphoria has people acting up
Why are there two versions of this story?
I mean, I get that this one has 'mature content,' but the difference is sometimes one or two lines in every other chapter. Some chapters are identical.
When authors do extended cuts of their stories, they're usually just uploading long sex scenes or other extreme content that was left out of the main version. It's like several thousand words added onto specific chapters, not the entire story, again, but with a few more references to biology.
Nothing in this is long enough to justify an entire separate version of the story. And some of the changes are really...tame? I'm not gaining a new understanding from this version, except for Rally occasionally mentioning how much she hates her genitals more and really vanilla sexual references.
If you're reading the teen version, you're not missing out on anything.
11358755
Well, so far, yes, but I did personally want to add in the extra 2067 words (so far) without making the entire original story mature. Just personal preference, I guess.
11358776
Why not just have the sex scenes?
Rally REALLY needs to focus on surviving right now.
Time to follow the traintracks, or go hobo riding
surprised that they use a 'magical accident' cover for Rally
They're going to get deported to the place they were attempting to save bits to go to?
Ohhh nooooo!
Rally really needs to get a grip on themselves
You forgot to change the word 'my' near the end of the chapter, and closer to the beginning the word 'a' is used in place of 'an'.
I think you meant to write 'may or may not have layed ahead of her'. I must say, the rewrite is an improvement on an already well written story.
You misspelt 'Stallion's', and forgot the apostrophe.
Oh she... oh no. I didnt read the original, and I know you said this revision made her less whiny, but jeez if this situation doesnt call for the Full Rarity™, what does? I hate Lord Zulu. All my homies hate Lord Zulu.
11215331
Don't lie about it
11749674
I'm confused. Don't lie about what?
11749677
Putting effort into a story like this ,I did better than this in fuckin high school.
11749677
Took a entire 15 minutes to read and you say that you put effort into making this.
11749680
Interesting. I wasn't writing chapter stories in highschool. Although this story and it's problems have helped me to see what exactly I was doing wrong on my other stories (like dragging out the narrative and making the characters too depressing and whiney) which helped make my future stories better.
As for effort, I did put effort into this and every story I've written. Which is why many of the chapters have been revised to be from a third person POV rather than a first person POV, because the first person POV is where a lot of the problems came into being.
I'm sorry that you don't believe I did though. Although I do agree that this story was very poorly written in hindsight.
11749680
Ok mister 0 stories if you think you did so much better let’s see em