Always Keep Your Receipts
The front door bell to Derpy Hooves' shop jingled—jingled again... then settled. A beat of silence followed.
Curious, the owner in question looked up from an antique popcorn maker that she was rewiring at the back counter. Blinking in opposite directions, Derpy furrowed her brow and squinted to get a better view of the entrance.
Once more, the door shook—jostled—and rattled on its hinges. Something—or somepony—was fussing with the weight of it from the other side. This mysterious struggle went on for half a minute before—
The bell jingled, this time smoothly. Grunting and groaning, Octavia Melody trotted backwards into the shop, using the full shape of her velvet flank to push the door open. Sweat squeezed beneath her bow tie and the musician's mane was frayed in random places from extensive labor. The reason for all of this strain became apparent as Octavia further threaded the shop entrance.
From afar, Derpy watched as the earth pony pulled a red wagon by the handle. The vehicle rattled on four squeaky wheels, its crimson chassis off-set by the weight of a stiff-bodied pale unicorn resting awkwardly upside down like a folded umbrella inside the bed of the wagon.
Derpy blinked. Quietly—patiently—she stowed away the popcorn maker, brushed the counter clean, and folded her forelimbs with a friendly grin aimed at both the floor and ceiling.
Huffing and puffing through clenched teeth, Octavia came to a wobbling stop. She released her grip of the wagon handle, licked her lips, and wheezed. “Whew... … …”
Composing herself, Octavia reached into the wagon, clenched her muscles, grunted, and finally—
WHUDDD!!!
—deposited Vinyl Scratch like an alabaster sack of bricks onto the counter top. The unicorn's legs were frozen in a cockroach curled stance above her inert frame. A smug grin gazed into infinity; her ruby-lensed goggles were dull and dim.
“I think...” Octavia inhaled. “She needs...” She exhaled. “...an update.” She leaned against the counter with one front hoof and swiped her forehead clear of sweat with the other. “The sooner the better.”
“Bricked on ya?” Derpy asked.
Octavia gulped, nodding wearily. “Just this morning.” She straightened her mane and stood up neatly. “I have a warranty.”
“Ah, I see.” Derpy calmly pulled out a laptop, booted it up, and began plinking away at the keyboard. “Do you have a receipt~?” she chimed.
“Absolutely.” Octavia reached into the wagon, grabbed her bit bag, and produced a neatly-folded sheet of paper. She hoofed this to Derpy.
“Hmmmm...” Derpy closed one eye so she could use the other one to neatly scan the slightly-faded contents of the printed ribbon. “Five years! You think well ahead~!”
“As every cautious pony should.” Octavia cleared her throat, finally composed from the extensive labor it took to wheel the blue mane'd paperweight all the way there. “I heard ahead of time that the early models were prone to falling apart. You know what all that dubstep was capable of doing.”
Derpy nodded as she typed away at her computer. “I remember very well. The first batch kept losing their horns from all the rattles.”
“Yes, well, thankfully I kept this one limited to trance and vaporwave,” Octavia said with a proud smile.
“I'm obligated by company policy to ask a few questions,” Derpy said.
“By all means, Miss~”
“Did you keep her well ventilated?”
Octavia nodded.
“Were you able to avoid bringing magnets and microwaves within close proximity?”
“As far as I can recall.”
“Did you drop her in the pool at any point?”
Octavia opened her mouth—paused to think—then ultimately shook her head. “That's a negative.”
“You hesitated—”
“Does it count against me if I scrubbed her with lemon dust cleanser?”
“Nah. You're in the clear.”
“Oh. Smashing~”
“Hmmmmm...” Derpy leaned away from the laptop to yank at Vinyl's jaw. She stared into the catatonic unicorn's throat. “No signs of infestation...” She leaned to the other side and briefly lifted Vinyl's tale. She spent a few seconds squinting. “... … ...no roach eggs either, that's good.”
“I used a compressed air canister on her regularly,” Octavia said. “Especially during pollen season. You know what spring can do to a marefriend's cooling fans~”
“Oh, boy, do I~” Derpy smirked slightly as she returned to the laptop, plink-a-plinking. “Mmmmm... ah. Octavia Melody.”
“That's me~”
“It says here that you ordered both a full replacement and repair package. We should have you covered—but the choice of service is up to you... dependent on the nature of your DJ-PON3 model's defective issue.”
“In what way...?”
“Well, I can determine the problem on my own...” Derpy grunted as she turned Vinyl Scratch over. She cranked the tail multiple times, and the unicorn's midsection gradually bent at forty-five degrees, raising the flank up to the shop owner's face. “But it would help if I knew a bit more about what led up to the crash.” She whipped out a flashlight, traced her fetlocks along Vinyl's cutie mark, and—CREEEEAK!!!—opened a panel neatly. Shining the light inside, she murmured as she studied the interior of Vinyl's hind chassis. “Did it happen spontaneously? Or was it the result of excessive cuddles?”
“I wish I could say the latter.” Octavia sighed. “But, I'm afraid to say it happened completely without warning.”
“What was your marefriend doing at the time?”
“Well—she was up all night, for one.”
“Uh huh...”
“The bathroom was dry when I woke up. So, seemingly, she skipped showering.” Octavia frowned. “Again.”
“A bug they're still trying to fix.” Licking her lips, Derpy grabbed a screwdriver and began poking around the inside of Vinyl's butt. “The sophomore models aren't exactly self-lubricating...”
“And as I was making breakfast, I asked Vinyl to take the trash out.” Octavia gestured. “Then she keeled over like a harpooned dolphin!”
“Ah! I think I see the problem...” Derpy smirked, tapping something cold and metallic within the abdomen. “There appears to be an oversaturation of sonic dissonance within the rumpular matrix.”
Octavia cocked her head aside. “Meaning...?”
Derpy cocked an eyebrow. “Have you been exposing your unit to nonstop classical music?”
Ms. Melody adjusted her bowtie, wincing guiltily. “Does that... … ...void the warranty?”
“Pffft. Hardly.” Derpy waved with a friendly chuckle. “These things happen to unicorn girlfriends all the time. You should see how many times Bon Bon comes in to replace hers.”
“How problematic a fix is this?” Octavia gulped, her sad eyes reflecting the pale slab of mare lying on the counter between them. “I hear these units are no longer production. As delightful as a full replacement sounds, I-I'm not entirely certain I can afford to pay the difference and upgrade to full Izzy Moonbow.”
“Fear not. I think a repair job is all that's required.”
“Really??”
“You said it upon arrival~” Derpy remarked. “An update should do it.”
“You mean a reinstall?”
“Yes. I can patch your girlfriend for a discount.” Derpy waggled a hoof at the earth pony. “But you need to pre-patch her from here on out!”
“Oh, for certain.” Octavia crossed a hoof over her velvety chest. “I've learned my lesson~”
“I just gotta make sure the software I have matches the driver—or else we're talking a full filly fooler reboot.”
“Oh stars...” Octavia winced. “Is that going to take long...?”
“The system will let us know.” Derpy fished around behind the counter, then pulled out a lengthy usb cable. “Thankfully, I've got everything pre-loaded on this here laptop, all thanks to the World Wide Whinny. Now let's see if I can remember how this goes... ah—right~”
Derpy lifted Vinyl's tail again. She stuck the usb plug in. It resisted. She turned it around and pressed. It resisted again. “Mrmfff... Celestia dang it—” she turned it around one last time and—Schlunk! “Ahhhh... presto~!”
“Not to be a bother, but...” Octavia examined a watch on her fair hoof. “...I've got rehearsals to attend to this afternoon—”
“Don't you worry, Ms. Melody,” Derpy hummed. “I'll have your marefriend up and running in a jiffy.”
Brrrrrring!!! Vinyl Scratch's ruby goggles lit up, casting a crimson glow over half the store.
“Oooh!” Octavia jumped in place. “Is that a good thing?”
“It just means I got through to the operating system.” Derpy typed on her laptop, glancing occasionally at a string of binary rolling across Vinyl's glossy lenses. “Now if I can just switch on debug mode.”
Wubbbbb!!! Vinyl vibrated from head to tail. Her muzzle opened with a doll-like smile: “You've. Got. Mare!”
“Excelsior!” Derpy cheered.
“Oh, now that brings back memories,” Octavia chimed.
“And—good news—the driver is up to date! Now...” Derpy's hooves plink-a-plink'd at the laptop. “...let's see if DJ-P0N3.72221 will do...”
“Good heavens.” Octavia blinked. “I didn't realize they had gone that advanced!”
“You really need to run System BIOS on your girlfriend more often.”
“Is it my fault that she's so distractingly adorable?”
“Eh. I wouldn't know.” Derpy shrugged. “I never moved beyond movable shower faucets. After all, they never talk about celebrity gossip to me when I'm trying to floss—”
“What. Language. Would. You. Prefer?” Vinyl Scratch droned.
“By gum!” Octavia perked up. “You can customize that?”
“Oh! Certainly!” Derpy beamed. “I'll throw a new tongue in for free! What would you prefer?”
“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm—something... fancier.”
“Ah. I know just the thing.” Derpy performed a keystroke on the laptop.
Vinyl's eyes flickered blue, white, and red. Her muzzle moved mechanically: “Mère de Dieu! C'est le poulet du diable!”
“Heeeeee...” Octavia fanned herself, bushing noticeably. “This has potential...”
“Any other adjustments? At this point, I will have to charge for new apps.”
“Hmmmm...” Octavia rubbed her chin. “... … …can you make her appreciate jam on toast?”
“That's easy. Anything else?”
“Well—a willingness to take out the garbage is one.” Octavia adjusted her bow-tie, avoiding Derpy's eyes. “A love for puppies. An aversion to mud wrestling...”
Derpy slowly raised an eyebrow. “Anythiiiiiiiiing else.......?”
Octavia bit her lip, fidgeting slightly. At last, she leaned in and whispered into Derpy's ear.
Derpy listened, nodded, and wordlessly typed a few things into the laptop. At last, she hit “enter.”
Vrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! Vinyl's horn vibrated in a pale blur.
Octavia cooed. “Oh. Lovely. This will... … … m-most certainly solve our t-termite problem back home.” She coughed daintily.
Derpy shrugged. “Hey. I don't give a hoot.”
She began the installation process. Vinyl's goggles displayed rotating hourglasses.
“Estimated. Download. In. Fifteen. Minutes.”
Derpy leaned back and sipped on a can of soda. “So long as you keep your receipts.”
Vinyl's goggles suddenly flickered with yellow-on-red hanzi.
“拥抱黄金农场”
“SPTTTTTT!!!” Derpy spat out her soda, wiped her muzzle clean, and yanked profusely at the usb attached to Vinyl's rump. “For the love of Luna—NOT AGAIN!!!”
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"Embrace the gold farm"
Wut?
11200498
Ugh. The same happened to our office DJ-P0N3’s at my former workplace.
All was good, dubstepping and wubbing... then they locked up!
Everything encrypted and displaying 拥抱黄金农场
We didn’t upgrade to Izzy Moonbow though.
11200506
Mine must have had a corrupt file, said something about Jake and State Farm.
Have you tried turning her off and on again?
Oh, wow. I do not like that mental image.
Now I'm worried about unicorn-unicorn relationships. Who brings them to the shop if both brick at the same time? And who's the Royal IT Manager at Castle Canterlot?
Well..... This was dilightfully random find to day.
11200637
The BOFH
Hm.
I was considering one of these. The Sweetie Belle model seems pretty good judging by how popular it is, but that's geared more towards children and I wanted something a little more advanced. Next, I considered a Trixie, but then I read the reviews and found out it often tends to catch fire. The Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer models are way out of my price range. Maybe I can check the used market for an older model. I heard the Twilight Velvets were pretty good back when they were new; I might be able to get a good deal on one of those.
So, who builds these unicorns?
Not recommended for bit-coin mining, they heat up too fast, and you gotta find somewhere to put all the dirt
11200868
The better question is what about the alicorns?
Was uniTwi modeled after Twilicorn or is Twilicorn the newest, most advanced model?
11200856
Have you considered bootleg units like a Kirin? Yes they sometimes randomly burst into flames but they were designed with that in mind.
I hate intrusive malmareware.
Damn unicorns, one part of the BIOS breaks and then it all breaks!
11200941
You know, now that changelings have been made available to the general public...
Oh, I almost forgot! A friend of mine said they got themselves a Tempest Shadow from military surplus.
Sheesh, considering that it's Lyra, I'm surprised Bon Bon can get the chance to ever leave the repair shop, as I can only imagine what Lyra's track record for repairs must be like! I mean, might as well just move into the shop entirely at that point!
Assuming they're all robots opens a huge can of worms involving property rights, civil rights, free will, and Megacorn Faust knows what else (just for starters, if they own each other, and Octavia changes Vinyl's abilities and preferences, how does she know that her decisions aren't dependent on changes made by Vinyl the last time she broke down? The bottom of the rabbit hole keeps receding, man.)
Termites are a true problem to many a home owner.
Pfff hahaha that one got me
I like smart derpy and the overall idea :)
11200856
Let’s see… Rarity models are rather high-maintenance and tend to have particularly dramatic breakdowns.
Moondancers are reasonable Twilight substitutes if one doesn’t need all the power.
I’ve encountered one or two references to a “Sunset Shimmer” model being in a similar class with the Twilight or Starlight, but can’t track down anything solid.
11201894
That's because the Sunset Shimmer model is region-locked. It's not available in this country.
Earlier today, I saw a Mistmane at an antiques show! I didn't know there were any of those left that were still in working condition. I've only ever seen those in museums. The guy said his wife has a working Starswirl as well, but she couldn't make it today. I've seen replicas, but a genuine original? That's incredible!
Sadly, the show was cut short when some jerk decided to show off their Discord. Didn't even have a permit for it...
11200498
Based on the yellow on red, I'm assuming Chinese communist propaganda?
11201974
Ah. The male lines…
First off, avoid the Flim and Flam units at all costs. The convoluted purchase plan and over-complicated warranty are borderline-fraudulent and simply not worth the trouble.
The Blueblood has a reputation for being even higher-maintenance than a Rarity while lacking the latter’s charms, although I’ve recently run across some suggestions that he can be quite useful once you come to understand his quirks.
It’s been said that a Fancy Pants can be a solid investment if you can manage the steep initial cost, but more recent reports indicate a mild abrasiveness under some conditions.
And, of course, the Shining Armor is very much a counterpart to a pre-upgrade Twilight, with comparable list price.
I bet Snips is the equivalent of the Phillips CDI or something. (I know consoles, not computers.)
Okay I've recorded reading this for the Audiobook version. There's gonna be an opportunity for a detailed soundscape to craft for this.
I've even looked up the Chinese at the end. Gonna try to pronounce it.
11202014
Nah. It was hijack-ware.
Our
office computersDJ-P0N3’s had filenames overwritten with hanyu, and the contents were unreadable.Our IT personDerpy Hooves made a house call andcleaned the computersput DJ-P0N3 on a better diet.It wasn’t as bad as the other time when our DJ-P0N3 contracted ransomware.
She lost a few days of memories as Miss Hooves had to roll her mind back to the previous week’s backups.
???
11202221
I'm not really looking for a male one. Besides, isn't Shining Armor a military unit? I don't think it's been approved for the civilian market.
I've heard quite a bit about the Sunbursts, too. Apparently, the software has ridiculous levels of compatibility, but it doesn't have the hardware specs to actually run most of those applications effectively.
Absolutely adore this fic, its got a great balance of everything! Humor, randomness, innuendo, everything! A duo like Vinyl & Octavia is just hard to pass up on! Hope ya didn't mind, but I couldn't resist making a reading of this wubtastic fic of yours!
Audio Linky!: https://youtu.be/K4Dt7sIrazc
This was a joy.
Hmm... This looks like... *reads authors name* yup, that checks out. Always a pleasure to read your shenanigans.
拥抱黄金农场 seems to be a wonky translation of "The Golden Farm of Cuddles".
"Embrace the gold farm" is also an acceptable translation but doesn't make sense in context. not that the first makes sense in context either but it does in skirtsian context
And for the French, "Mother of God! It's the chicken of the devil!"
What a fun story!
That was clever and hilarious! Many of the comments are awesome, too. Let me see if I can come up with something....
My former roommate left me with his old, non-working Twilight Velvet. I replaced the motherboard, cleared the browser cache, and installed a few updates. Now, she's good as new! She gets along great with my neighbor's Pokey Pierce.
It's too bad the new generation Izzy Moonbows are so darned expensive....