There's No Managers Among Family
Lady Alice cringed at the sound of jaunty banjos drifting through the air like some woefully misinformed siren trying to beckon her home. The noise held no charm for her; it only further served to remind her why she'd left the day she turned thirteen.
Now she was back. Older, wiser, richer, better than all of them.
Unwillingly back, of course. She’d forgotten the date and strayed close enough to her backwater hometown that some erstwhile relative managed to detect her Apple heritage with their sixth sense and dragged her back to the dreaded Reunion.
And that was how she ended up, for the first time in forty years, imprisoned in a quilting circle by her inane hillbilly relatives.
“Ken you believe it?” Smith guffawed, her spindly limbs flailing like a spider.. “Lil’ Cousin Lady Alice, home at last!
"Who?" asked another fossil, somehow her cousin despite being decades older.
"Lady Alice. You know, Empire's girl."
"Who?"
"Empire. Uncle Cider's second wife."
"Cider? Cider's dead."
"Ah know, but his filly's here. Cousin Ally's finally come home to roost!"
It was torture. Unlawful detainment and unethical treatment of prisoners. She only wished she could just make a scene and storm off... but that'd be playing right into their hooves. Proof that she was no more refined or cultured than her ignoble origins. She wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.
In fact, perhaps this was a blessing in disguise. A golden opportunity to show these bumpkins just how much better she was without them.
"Back?” she scoffed. “Hardly. I’ll be leaving as soon as my carriage arrives."
One of them gave her a gummy smile. “Well we best be makin’ up for lost time! You got yerself a husband yet?”
Yet?! How dare— "Yes. Twenty-three years now. He just made partner at his law firm in Phillydelphia."
Smith sucked on her teeth. Disgusting. "Sounds fancy. He make good money? Provide for ya?”
More than they’d ever see. “Plenty.”
“Well, you give him our best. Bring him next year so he ken meet the family!”
Ha! As if she was even going to tell him about this. “He’s much to busy to come somewhere so… ramshackle.”
"Ramshackle? We ain’t got no sheep or chains here." Smith swept her foreleg out. "That there's five hundred acres of the best farmland in Equestria! Course, that'll be changing soon."
Alice grinned as she smelled blood in the water. "Oh? Money troubles? Going to have to parcel and sell it off?"
"Nope! Jus' the opposite! Me an' Granpear buried the hatchet an' he wrote my three youngins inta his will. When the old coot finally kicks it, they'll be gettin' another thousand acres each!"
Alice caught her jaw before it could drop. Three thousand acres. She might be rich, but if the hicks had the sense to sell even half of that they'd be Canterlot rich.
Wealth was clearly not going to be a battle she could win, so she chose a new arena. The one thing they valued over dirt and apples. Family. No doubt her children were far superior for having been properly raised, and their successes were her successes.
"You know, my eldest son got married recently. Fine mare, her father's in oil."
"Sounds slippery. Shame we missed it. Ah musta misplaced the invitation." Smith’s face brightened. "They ken be guests of honor at Big Mac's wedding. It's his third wife."
"What happened to the other two? Infidelity? Sickness? Dead?"
"Naw, they'll be there too. The three of them worked it out and decided Marble and 'Shy got ta go first cause they knew him longer."
Impossible! A three-way marriage? It was indecent! It was immoral! It was... a way their kid had beat hers.
New strategy!
“My daughter, Ambrosia, recently graduated from Princesston University. With highest honors.” See the hayseeds top that!
“Issat a fact? Good on her. A young mare needs a good head on her shoulders.”
One of the other dinosaurs chimed in. "Didn't your Applejack's get one of those?"
"What, a degree?" Alice smirked.
"No, a highest honor. Aha! That's it! She got a Medal of Honor from Princess Celestia."
Alice nearly choked on her veneers. "A Medal of Honor!? For what!?"
"Meritorious and valorous service to ponykind," Smith recited. "Ah got it framed next ta her rodeo ribbons. Ah'll send Caramel to go fetch it—”
"No. No need." She didn't need it rubbed in her face. It had to be a fluke. The filly probably threw herself over a mud puddle so the princess wouldn't step in it or something.
She gnashed her teeth. No! She was supposed to be better than these yokels, otherwise what was the point?! At least she still had one child left in the chamber.
"My son! Wine Sip! He has a part-time job and he's only thirteen." No need to mention he was working for his father as a glorified coffee fetcher.
“Ha! Must run in the family. My Applebloom's barely thirteen herself and she's started ger own company.”
"She what?!"
"Oh yes, with a coupla her friends. Some kinda fancy consultancy-whachamacallit. Most of it goes right over my head."
A company? At that age?
“Gonna open up a branch in Griffonstone, t'boot.”
With an international branch?!
Lady Alice saw white. A piercing whine cut through the air, rising in pitch till it was a voiceless wall of pressure squeezing out her thoughts. She was supposed to be better than them. Richer. More educated. Happier.
And yet… and yet…
What did they still have that she didn’t?!
The pressure reached a climax and the whiteness abruptly turned black.
Granny Smith looked over the collapsed form of her cousin. "Huh. Heat musta got to her head. Always was a fragile one. Weak constitution. S’why they had to send her off to the city where life's cushy and easy. Can’t handle country livin'.” She whistled sharply and a dozen heads turned her way. “Somepony get some cold cider! We got a cousin down for the count!”
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That was a good story.
I do occasionally wonder if some poor sap ever made the mistake of bragging about their kid in the vicinity of an Element-bearer's family. Point being, I got plenty of good laughs out of the way you put that same thought into story form. Kudos!
:)
Haha! Very funny, I loved this one.
11198064
I'm imagining it with the Shies. Obviously the parents are too accurately named to say anything, but then Zephyr just bursts out laughing.
"My sis stared down a cockatrice. You know, the things whose stare is their main weapon?"
"Zephyr..."
"The dragon doesn't really count as staring down because she couldn't look into both eyes at the same time while standing on its snout."
11198105
And that's STILL small potatoes compared to semi-reforming Discord.
11198064
Quite agreed.
Definitely a VERY amusing one-shot. Definitely liked the thought of some stuck-up rich relative trying to rub their success in the noses of their relatives only to find those relatives end up beating her out. Though I have to wonder how Discord takes Fluttershy already being married (given what he TRIED to do to a gal that was just a friend to Fluttershy). I guess Mac is lucky that Discord considers him a friend.
And if Cousin Alice reacted that way NOW, imagine how she would take one of Applejack's five best friends becoming ruler of Equestria (and thus, Applejack becoming that close to Equestria's ruler).
11198168
That might not be on the horizon just yet (we don't know when this is set), but having been personally invited to share refreshments with Princess Celestia after the Grand Galloping Gala would definitely be a eye-opener.
Granny:
quickmeme.com/img/f3/f34a2c66372c3485876c49cbc040c68f0d18b427cfa530d8f92b8deabe62fdcb.jpg
11198196
Yeah. That's definitely a very good point.
HA. Nice. I LOVE stories where some stuck-up egotistical byay gets richly deserved comeuppance.
11198351
Flutterbomb!
Two legs or four, pony or the North end of a South bound horse. A Karen is a Karen.
😁
11198196
I was half expecting Alice to see Celestia just casually hanging out in the Apple Family reunion, based on all those stories about Celestia and Granny Smith being friends.
11198225
Although thinking about it, the mention of Griffonstone probably certainly means this is post-Gabby, which puts it at the last quarter of season 6 or later.
11198588
Quite true.
11198514
Yeah. That would certainly put some icing on the cake.
Fun to imagine that Smith genuinely doesn’t suspect anything and still keeps winning.
11198168
Hey, if Mac gets three, Shy should be able to have two! ;p
11200520
Yeah. That's a pretty valid point.
I like how you subtly inserted some herding in there. Nice.
Granny just loves her grandkids.
Howdy, hi~!
This was a super fun piece and yeah, the Apple family is rather accomplished between Mac, AJ, and Apple Bloom. Super fun, and loved the writing style on this.
Thanks for the read~!
But who is big Mac's third wife?
11198105
Spike could do it for twilight and shining armor at the same time.
11230892 Sugar Belle, I assume. In this continuity, if we're going by which mare he knew the longest getting first shot...
derpicdn.net/img/2015/4/12/872162/large.png
"She lies! Free us!"
Pride goeth before an aneurysm, as they say. If poor Alice had just stayed in touch with the family, she wouldn't have gone down this rabbit hole. (Also, I love the idea that Apples can detect one another through ESP. Alice may have only meant it as a joke, but it's a lovely idea.) Thank you for a delightful bit of schadenfreude. Best of luck in the judging.
hehe, guess Applejack leaving the farm to live fancy as a foal was just following family tradition
haha, i guess in this world it would be evidence Pinkie wasn't related to the Apples, since they would have all had that Apple sense about her. but also, really does sound like something they would have!
cousins are fascinating, aren't they? i've got a few like that myself!
dang, love these fancy Apple names! very fitting
i can imagine her just detesting that nickname thoroughly, haha
hehe, understandable misunderstanding
dang, the Apple Family is really well-set!
kind of want a supercut of every time the Apple family's said the word "family" in the show
hehe, love how Granny Smith breezes past the slight
pfft, and hey, if we're making all the classic Big Mac ships happen simultaneously, should throw Cheerilee in there too!
love it. love Princesston University. i hope i remember to steal this
i do love how little renown the Mane Six have for having officially saved Equestria dozens of times over apiece
ugh, and he'll prob be brought in as a nepotism hire later, hate that!
hehe, a consultancy is a fun way to characterize it
oof, glad that Lady Alice wasn't conscious to register this insult on top of injury. dang, you really destroyed her so thoroughly that it went all the way down to her own self-narrative about how she became herself in the first place! just hilariously thorough. great stuff!
I love that there's no indication of whether Granny Smith is trolling or not. Uncertainty allows for the best of both jokes.
Oh I like the girls' nonchalance.
I like the fact that they aren't even mad at her, they're just happy to see a cousin again after so long