*insert witty personality quirk here*
Cog, a travelling artificer, finds his way to Ponyville, but brings with him a dangerous journey: A quest of self discovery, and the search for the perfect self.
Rated Teen due to possible questionable content in later chapters, Just to be safe.
Yes, I am re-writing my first piece. I felt it needed a makeover.
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I'm going to give you a little bit of advice: your plot synopsis really needs to be a summary of the plot, or at least have some information that acts as a draw to the reader.
A long lost friend of whom? What are some details of the dilemma, even basic ones? Can you really not give me anything? To say that you can't give anything more than non-information is an incredibly potent turn-off. I, personally, didn't get to the story itself, because your synopsis almost feels designed to make me feel as though nothing much happens worth mentioning. I would definitely advise you to change it.
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Oh. Well, I can see where that is coming from. Let me see what I can think of to tweak it. But thanks for the advice!
--> Much less vauge now. Thanks again for the advice!
1273766 Much better. I'm interested enough now to give it a read when I get back from class.
A few errors, particularly in the areas of names; you don't always capitalize them. Over in the first chapter, you did this once with 'fluttershy', twice with 'blueblood', and once with 'twilight'. In terms of your plot/characterization/etc., I must say that your OC is a touch Mary Sue-ish. I mean, why give him draconic eyes? It seems to have nothing at all to do why the plot. Why make him famous, either? It doesn't make too much sense, given how unlikely it is that he's the only decent artificer in Equestria, and he hails from the nation's outer edges, where it must be hard to earn widespread renown.
Beyond that, I generally dislike the whole "friend/family member that has never been mentioned/has been forgotten about" plot element, as I feel it can be a poor substitute for a proper character introduction; that's why I really don't like Shining Armor or Cadence. I do recognize that you've got that as an integral plot element, though, so I can't really suggest any changes there, aside from maybe toning down how he's on such good terms with all his old friends, because honestly, he probably shouldn't be.
Edit: Oh, and also, quick note about the price of that beetle toy: I don't think it's actually that cheap, as 50 bits equates to something like $150 USD.
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Well, Thank you for the notes. I have a terrible sense of capitalization, so thank you for reminding me. I'll be sure to check for those.
The Eyes do nothing... Yet.
As for popularity, I agree with you halfheartedly. There never seems to be any mention of any clockwork items, save for... clocks, so this stuff would be pretty uncommon. But, distance would definately tear holes in his popularity.
I agree with you as well on the long lost friend problem. But I was using it to carry the story along. I may remove that, and have some scenes where they are building trust, and then move the story on from there. But for now, I'm going to roll with it.
As for the currency exchange rate, Thank you for that! I had just written that up on the fly, with no real idea as to the actual exchange. I can take care of that now.
EDIT:- Edited first and second chapters to remove the "Old Friend" theme and tore holes in his "fame."
beautiful cant for next chapter
NICE ONE! elder and aged scroll the scroll twins
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Thanks! I had been waiting for a while to pull that referance
Also, a question for the readers: Should I take up a more orderly update schedule, or keep the chaotic update-burst system that I have been using?
After all, I aim to please the reader!
Added Dark and Slice of Life tags:
Dark due to the "Operations."
Slice of life, moreover because there are plently of long periods of seeming normalcy, where it is more like watching a life rather than a movie.
If you disagree, let me know!
Cog is now officially pissed of
Sounds interesting. I will have to read it when I have a chance.
mind=
He broke the sound barrier a little too easily. He just got the wings and they are new. Machines need time to break in a bit, especially clockwork.
Like the story well enough, Cog just seems a bit..... OP.
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I can see that, and he is OP, I wont deny it. But don't dispair. Things are in motion, that cannot be stopped, like etheral gears in the clock of time. Wether it is good or bad, we'll just have to wait and see.
Also, Let me put this: If you think Harpa is me spitting in the face of the lore, let me elaborate. (Contains spoilers for all of you who haven't gotten there yet.)
The changelings are obiously a genetic deviance from ponykind, due to the incredible similarities. They also are obviously descended from an alicorn, due to the rare gene providing both wings and horn.
As for Cadence, she is simply put off as "Celestia's Neice." This usually means "daughter of a sister/brother." and since no other siblings are mentioned, and Luna is most likely not Cadence's mother, This leaves a huge gap in the lore.
Lastly, Discord. Nuff said
You've done well, young Rennoc.
It pains me to say it, but I am going to have to put this story on Hiatus. It shouldn't be for long, only until I finish the "Trials of Vladamir" series. Sorry if I am becoming a dissapointment.
Its been 56 weeks!
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yeah, yeah. I know. Something happened between then and now, and I'm not really sure what. A death of heart, maybe. Really, I felt trapped: End it as I had planned, and make the readers feel like I coped out, or keep it going, and continue beating the dead horse (not intentional).
However, I was browsing stories and I rediscovered the original document and made a few decisions. I fumbled with the who "Blog" system, but it felt a bit clunky. Short story short, I've decided to re-write this story, shorten the re-write a tad, and actually finish the story. It was my first publication, and a lot of the stuff needs re-balancing. Cog in particular. He's got some... qualities I'd like to work on a bit.
Also question if hes a changeling correct? and he replaces all his body parts correct? why does he need love to survive? If he gots generators?
Also the whole more sisters and stuff to celestia was kinda confusing a little bit.
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It's more of a physical need, his requirement to feed off of love. I might clarify that during the re-write but to lightly skim over what happens is that, because he still has his organic brain, that brain still requires the nutrients that it needed, no matter what body it is within. Just like how the human brain still requires oxygen and other chemicals to power itself, so to does the changeling brain. The only difference is that their brain requires love to power it. Now, the only difference between the whole changeling and Cog is that, whereas a "whole" changeling needs enough to power his entire body, Cog has generators and springs to cover the physical, so he only needs enough to power the one last organic part he has: his brain.
As for the "Sister of Celestia," I know a number of fic's use this to explain other Alicorns. However, I do agree that the way I implemented it was a tad bit clunky. Thus why I'm re-writing the novel: to clean it up and make it more... comprehensible. Really, it was to help me justify the existence of cadence as a literal niece, rather than the oft used "adopted" niece.
Hope this helps clear up a few things!