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Princess Luna, a mare without friend and a princess shunned by her subjects often finds herself often on nigthly strolls around her home, trying to figure out how to help her both her sister and Equestria.
The story takes place roughly a pony lifetime before the ascent of Nightmare Moon and was inspired by 'Children of the Night'.
Read the follow-up here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/50554/How-Sisters-Collide
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very good but "The sun woiuld surface again "....see it?
k
Well, this is brilliant. Keep up the good work, ok?
Good stuff! I liked the ending, with the orphans and all. The detail about a few missing limbs and the disfigured children really puts a painful twist in the scene and was excellent. I felt that those sorts of details were a bit lacking throughout the rest of the story. The story plays off of Luna's sadness and how it lead up to Nighmare Moon, but it all seems a bit flat. A lot of those revelations through her thoughts were missing that twisted dagger that the scene by the well had.
I'm nit-picking though, as it was an overall good story.
All aboard the review train!
I'm not quite sure where you're trying to go with this. Is the focus on Luna's political troubles? Her plans for her people? Her personal struggles? The orphans? There's a lot going on, but it doesn't seem to add up. The writing is good, though I noticed a few technical mistakes, and I liked a lot of the details. I'm just not sure what you were trying to get across.
Sorry to make this stop short, but the train must be on its way. Hope this helps!
Turn Up The Night - Black Sabbath
1250785
I agree with you.
----
I give a thumb-up to this story.
Becuase the words are beautiful and the emotional express is pretty good. (Not only because LUNA)
I have some thoughts with this good story. (I like it very much after all)
However, there are small shortages in this story.
The story is based on the concepts of "Children of the Night"
(This one is warmer and not so sad)
Luna tried to help Tia (Lowering the sun and move up/down her night).
But she can't help for the court and the nobles (she has her political problems)
The end part is pretty good, she used her Alicorn power to find and help orphans who needed help and gathered friends and ponies to help them.
And she had her way to help Tia and this was a good start.
But in the middle of the story, I lose the focus a bit as ScribbleStick said. The middle part did not link the story very well.
In Children of the Night, Luna had a big argue with Tia of poor-ponies/finacial/food problems after war -> She wanted to bring ponies to expand
Equestria or find new colony to solve the problem and Tia refused (Tia made the right dicision to avoid further damage of Equestria, but Luna could not see her subjects suffering) -> She picked children (only children did not FEAR of her, the authurs did not tell why ponies fear of her..)
as pioneers to their new land -> She made all guards fall asleep with her mighty magics and started her plans (Story starts).
Anyway, thank you for this good story and I enjoy it!
4/5 Celestia for you
Well done, This is about the feels I get from The anamatic. :3
5/5 derps. :P
This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors!
Story: Where the Night Rules by TrampingPony
Grammar Score: 9 out of 10. Very few mistakes or awkward choices (though you did spell Luna as Luan at one point)
Pros:
Excellent Worldbuilding. It seems you really thought about how Equetria might have been back then.
Very good at showing; you never needed to state what Luna was feeling. The point about orphans "missing limbs" was also well done.
I really like your writing style; you manage to convey melancholy without boring me as I read.
Cons:
There are some issues with pacing; especially in the middle (it drags)
Although the details were themselves very good, there may have been too much worldbuilding. The need to redecorate the castle doesn't bear on anything, for instance.
The story isn't very well grounded; that is, it has no describable center.
Notes:
The story dragging in the middle is probably a direct result of trying to do too much. I think you have an excellent vision here (and you are very good at painting with words) but when writing short stories it's important to focus on the important stuff and leave out details that don't matter. While I like the idea of a character study of pre-NMM Luna, I think you included too many details which muddied the story a bit much. This leave it a little groundless and a little too long for the goal.
Having said that; you could either shorten the story by trimming some stuff, or expand it to let us see what a great little world you've built. You do have a good style that conveys your ideas nicely.
Enjoy your review! You can help me out by reviewing my story Princess of the Night.
2462721
Many thanks for the review.
For the whole thing having no center, that was because I wasn't really trying in getting a point across. I made it up as I went along and considering her position I thought that, of course, she had quite a few things on her mind, not all directly related to the plot.
She's basically the responsible sibling in this presentation of her dynamic with Celestia and even though she is doing the nightshift she's actually the mare behind the kingdom, so to speak.
I'm not saying that what is written is right, however. I see the point and I'll take it for future stories.
Again, many thanks for pointing stuff out.