In my read later list...its getting so long...

I have been waiting for this since you wrote about it in your blog. Glad to see it.

Hmm, interesting. I'll watch this.

Nobody made this joke yet? Well, here goes. Opposites attract!

I'm going crazy with the double meanings.

Original?

I need no further persuasion. Watched.

LMAO

Image: http://www.threadbombing.com/data/media/2/THISGONBGUD.gif

WOW! This was just an awesome day! First World of Chaos was updated and now this? Well, SQUEE! You guys are just the best. But hey, little simple things like this make me happy.

So far, it's pretty good! I do like that little angle in which the hosts of the bracelets are meant to keep contact, not necessarily the bracelets themselves. An interesting idea! Not that I would have minded their bracelets being bound, of course, but it was a neat way to look at it this way.

The beginning was intriguing! Tee hee, oh, Flutters... You luffles her.

I don't even think I need to say that I already really really like this story! Well done, good sir! I look forward to more! Cheerio, dahling!

Well its quite something... Huge vocab of words used. Slightly odd chapter start. Why were Dash and Fluttershy in bed together there?

Every two weeks? Awwwww... okay. It's clear that a lot of thought has gone in here and I thoughly enjoyed the Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash parts.

Anyhow... FTW!

An interesting and some what hilarious concept.

Other than some small errors it was a good start.

Looks very good, liked and faved.

A bored but now relieved Rainbow raised a hoof in the air and asked aloud, “Quick question, if me and Fluttershy are magnets, am I top and she bottom or does Fluttershy top me?”

Okay, so I'm in a public bathroom reading this, and when I read the line above, I lauged really hard. But I think somebody else was in here, and they left as soon as possible. Lol.

Oh, and great story by he way. Look forward to chapter 2

Love me some Flutterdash. Adding to read later list.

It...is...EPIC!

Got a little hard to read at times, but I can live with that.

2 weeks...Thats too long...........GREAT STORY THOUGH Liked and faved and watched!

Good, but very rough around the edges.

There's a number of basic grammar mistakes, the kind that you could be rid of by having a good pre reader. Also, Twilight's speech isn't quite right, for example she says, "me and Luna," surely a grammatical error Twilight wouldn't make. Also, Twilight's speech is a little more refined and clear cut than you write her. This leads into your big issue; your style's too wordy. Many of your sentences are weighted down with excessive word use which hampers the flow. I would suggest reading the story aloud and, if you find your tongue stumbling over a sentence, rewriting it.

Other than those few things, this is good. You have an intriguing premise, some enjoyable prose, and a feel for what the characters are like. Keep up the good work, author.

"Artefacts" in your summary is spelled wrong.

It's "artifacts."

I will come back when read.

Nice. I'm not really a review guy on stories, i'm really just a reader.

Now if you would all look up to the big white box on this website showcasing various fanfics you will see my fanfic Magnetism. Magnetism, my fanfic Magnetism is featured...

So then, along with this story being featured at this precise moment Magnetism has seventeen comments, forty seven likes, only two dislikes, and has been favourite by one hundred and nine readers...all within a day. This naturally makes me ecstatic, this here is a fanfic that I have been working on for a long time, that I have been promoting and unintentionally hyping up for a long time, and one that I have a lot of confidence in and fresh out the gate and it is doing spectacularly so far. I'm now hoping that this good fortune lasts, and possibly transfers to my luck with lottery tickets, I certainly wouldn't mind winning the jackpot.

Anyway, before I begin addressing each comment individually I would just like to say thanks to each and every one of you. I would also like to add that I have two other, completed FlutterDash fanfics and so, if you are enjoying this one so far, I recommend you give my other two stories a looksee. Now then, shameless self-advertising aside, it's time this one replies.

>>12447311244731 Here's hoping that when you get around to reading this here fanfic of mine that your experience will be a pleasurable one. Thanks for showing an interesting in Magnetism.

>>12449021244902 I have been waiting for this since you wrote about it in your blog. , oh, when about did you happen to spot this in my blogs? For you see I've been mentioning Magnetism since my first blog post on this site back on the 15th January and that is a pretty long time to be waiting. Real sorry about the wait, but at least you enjoyed it. Thanks for commenting Razzian.

>>12449431244943 Hello GlidingZephyr, it's nice to see that your interest in my works remains strong. It is also nice to hear that you will be watching this story and I hope your time doing so is a pleasant one. Thanks for commenting.

>>12450731245073 , it is surprising that no one has mentioned that joke yet and in fact, I'm not sure as of yet if anyone in the story says that phrase either, though I can think of one good point to place it. Glad to see my story has made you laugh and thanks for commenting Some Kinda Brony.

>>12451651245165 So my story is starting to drive you crazy already... I have no idea if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading and thanks for the comment.

>>12452451245245 While I'm pretty sure that fanfics with the 'we're stuck together concept' have been done before I have admittedly not seen one of the pony nature so yeah, original is a fitting description for my story. I was actually rather nervous about the premise of my story, I thought it up back in January of this year and have been working on it since and each day I was afraid I would go onto this site and see that someone's uploaded a pony fic with the exact same idea. Luckily this did not occur and I'm able to continue frolicking in bliss.

It seems you've enjoyed my story so far and I appreciate that, thanks for commenting Dimondium.

>>12455291245529 I shall try to the utmost of this one's abilities to make such a thing so . Thank you for commenting Nyysjan.

>>12457411245741 It elates (I tire of saying glad all the time) me that I have managed to make your already awesome day even better NintendoGal. Ah, World of Chaos, I must confess that I have not read that story in quite a while . Luckily I'm beginning to get back into reviewing and as such should start reading and reviewing each and every chapter...it shouldn't take me too long to catch up with the current update.

There's an interesting story concerning the bracelets, one of which I'll be sure to fill you in on with my next blog post. For now though I will say that I give such an idea some thought but then I realised that if I were to such a thing I might as well have it as magical handcuffs which would still be amusing but not as original. A key reason as to why I did not go with any handcuff idea though and insisted that Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash must be contact themselves is because of the lack of physical object connecting them. With handcuffs for instance, or something of the sort, while the ponies would question what secret backdoor activities the two had been up to they would see why the two were suddenly so close while with the current body contact concept, all other ponies will see is Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy suddenly being very physical with one another while wearing matching accessories.

As for that opening bit, that was neat to write and is something I can't really say much about at this point . As for the rest of your comment, well I'm pleased myself that you are in turn pleased. It was indeed a great fear of mine that it would not rise to the expectations I set it, even with my great amount of confidence in this story, but such worries I no longer have. I appreciate hearing of your enjoyment of this story; I in turn shall ensure that you continue to enjoy this story and thank you very much for commenting.

>>12464791246479 Well its quite something is a worrying way to start your comment but Huge vocab of words is surely praise and so my worries are for nought. As for the opening, it is strange but one that I cannot discuss as of this moment.

Yes this fanfic will update once every two weeks, my fastest updating time ever. I even plan to try and make this work despite now having a job (to which I loathe so very much) and yes, a lot of planning has been going into this. Heck, this story idea's been bubbling about in my brain since January, to which plans, notes, and drafts were already being drawn up. It is my great hope that such planning will be worth it in the end and I will be able to provide the best reading experience I can muster. Thank you very much for commenting FlutterDash7 and of course .

>>12464921246492 Thanks for the praise on the concept, thanks for the criticism, and thanks for commenting Ultra8.

>>12465041246504 Nice to know that the story is appealing and may it prove to be even more so as it continues. I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter and I thank you for your comment PoniSiitoin.

>>12468871246887 One of my favourite things to find out from my readers is what moments they enjoyed the most, or to a memorable extent so thanks for your little tale. I also find it amusing to hear of the reaction and events that transpired during said reaction of my readers so further thanks I offer to you. Good to hear that you not only enjoyed this first chapter but are also looking towards the next one and thanks for commenting Garbo802.

>>12472441247244 Hooray for FlutterDash, when you get round to reading this here story I hope you'll enjoy. Thanks for showing an interest in Magnetism.

>>12472821247282 Nowadays the moment someone says Epic Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann music pops into my head...not a bad thing to have happen of course. I'm surprised to see the word epic being used to describe this story, what with only the first chapter being out, but I guess I'll try even harder so each chapter you read continues to be praised as epic. I've said it once before but I will say it again here, thanks for commenting Rabbitude101.

>>12474861247486 Sorry for any difficulties you had in reading this story, I've been addressed on my strange and somewhat tricky style of writing before but you appear to have enjoyed the story all the same. I will try and make it easier to read in future, also thanks for commenting.

>>12479551247955 Two weeks is also the quickest I can imagine me managing to update...even more so now that I'm stuck with a time consuming and physically exhausting job. If you're complaining about the wait though that means you are looking forward to what comes next and that brings a smile to my face , I'll be sure not to disappoint me. Thanks for the praise, like, fave, watch, and comment.

>>12481231248123 I am full of heartfelt gratitude that along with your nice words comes constructive criticism. A few basic mistakes I did expect, the chapter is 6000 words long and I lack a proof-reader (it doesn't help that I'm paranoid and as such don't trust anyone) and my style of writing has been criticised before for being too wordy and tricky to read (problematically, the style I write is similar to that of how I often converse), but I'm surprised and saddened that my writing of Twilight Sparkle, my favourite character, is not as accurate as it could be. Now, when I get around to editing this story I'll be sure to look out for basic spelling and grammatical errors, and as for my wordy style I will try to ensure that my writing is not wordy to the extent that it disrupts the flow in future chapters, something I'm rather keen to keep in check. As for the speech of Twilight Sparkle, that too I shall be more aware of and I thank you very much for pointing out such a flaw in my writing. If you do have the time though, is it possible to provide an example of one of my lines unfitting for the character and present how she would go about saying such a line? Of course, only if you want to, I would hate to impose.

Easing my worries are of course kind words following the helpful ones. I'm glad you found the premise to be interesting, enjoyed the prose despite some of the difficulties my writing style may have presented, and have mentioned that I have managed to get the characters right (which is always a concern of mine with any story). Thank you very much for the lengthy, in-depth comment Timefly.

Now as I finish replying to all the comments I currently have, this featured story of mine now has sixty three likes, only four dislikes, and has been favourite by one hundred and thirty six readers .

Finally! An interesting FlutterDash! I almost forgot these existed due to disinterest in most things...

And this, I can already say, that this, is going to be a very enjoyable and awesome ride

Ok, read . . .

Things I noticed; they're relatively minor, but they're mistakes nonetheless.

“You remember how back on Nightmare night I helped Princess Luna become friends with everypony,” Twilight didn’t per say ask but mentioned, regardless an answer was received by two pegasus nodding their heads, “Well, afterwards we got around to chatting about things we liked and we eventually ended up discussing history."

1. Capitalization (Nightmare Night)

2. Commas before quotes

“You remember how back on Nightmare night I helped Princess Luna become friends with everypony,” Twilight didn’t per say ask but mentioned, regardless an answer was received by two pegasus nodding their heads, “Well, afterwards we got around to chatting about things we liked and we eventually ended up discussing history."

regardless an answer was received by two pegasus nodding their heads, “Well, afterwards

two pegasus nodding their heads, "Well,

That should be a period. Same with the rest of your quotes that start like that.

3. Run-on sentences

This is the one that stuck in my mind:

“I’m guessing she lied about all those times she said to me that she went to bed after I did and woke up before I woke up?” Spike asked the question with an obvious answer with a deadpanned expression that made clear that this was not the first time Twilight had collapsed from exhaustion.

I believe that whole paragragh is one sentence.

THIS IS NOT GOOD!!

Try this:

"Let me guess," Spike said with a deadpanned expression. "She lied to me about going to bed after I did and waking up before me?" The way Spike asked the question made it clear that this was not the first time Twilight had collapsed from exhaustion.

I'm sure this helps. Yes, in advance, if you want to use the paragraph I wrote above, go for it. But it would help if you edited (or tried to edit) the rest of it; it would stick out like a sore thumb. There's an obvious difference between styles of writing.

EDIT: You will probably not see me give a review like this for a while. Consider yourself lucky I gave it to you.

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Fluttershy_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png

LOL Nice book! Story, WHATEVER, You should try my story: Best Friends Till the End by Skyestar11

Description

Stuck together until Twilight manages to find a way to remove the bracelets, the shy and timid pegasus must cope with remerging feelings, while the athletic and rash pegasus must cope with the various antics of a bunny rabbit out to get her.

Is that supposed to be emerging or reemerging? Two very different things being implied here.

DEATH..... DEATH TO THE INFIDELS! ALLONZO HULU CHOCOLATE BAR!

Not a bad start.

"I said 'Don't touch the ancient artefacts!' didn't i tell you not to touch them!"

Telepathy: The communication between people of thoughts, feelings, desires, etc, involving mechanisms that cannot be understood in terms of known scientific laws. (tl;dr: Talking with your mind.)

Telekinesis: The movement of a body caused by thought or willpower without the application of a physical force. (tl;dr: Moving things with your mind)

Unicorns do neither. They use magic to manipulate objects.

Hope I'm not being a bother, but where can I read An Eternity to Remember?

>>12491921249192

Did you seriously just shamelessly self promote your own fic with a bland and generic comment on a featured fanfic? Yes it looks like you did...

>>12490041249004

Consider...

“Well, afterwards we got around to chatting about things we liked..."

I just can't imagine Twilight saying this. It's far too chatty to be her. While Twilight is often informal, she speech is always eloquent, the rambling style in which she gets caught up in here is something she just doesn't do. While she does often end up giving long, drawn out explanations, it's rare that she goes on and on about superfluous details.

As for the rest, it's hard to pin down exactly what it is, but comparing Twilight's speech in the show and Twilight's speech here requires some discrepancies.

Sorry that I can't be more helpful, the hour's quite late.

win. so much win.

Are you certain you do not wish to have a pre-reader on board? They really can do wonders...

>>12490041249004 That's definitely a neat approach! I guess it would stir up everypony, since now they have no choice but to keep in continuous physical contact! Oh my! It definitely works!

Well, you delivered quite well, good sir! I'm definitely happy with the first chapter, and I hope you are, too! It's great! So, good for you on your current success! Woohoo!

>>12490041249004 Hey man no problem its hard to find good fics on here anymore, and I love flutterdash so i hoped it would be good and it is I definitely cannot wait for more!

--Gareth

The hell?

I can't even get past one line without being completely annoyed to hell with all of your grammatical errors. Get an editor for fucks sake, everything reads so awkwardly and has absolutely no flow to it. I stopped at the part where Dash tries to touch the spoon thing, can't do this.

Don't post your fics until you've at least looked at them once...

BLUSHES...BLUSHES EVERYWHERE

Fix the description.

*Artifacts

You're lucky I love flutterdash.

>>12464791246479

I would say that it's forshadowing, but we'll have to see. Maybe she wakes up the nest morning and for a moment forgets about the bracelets. Or something like that.

>>12494361249436

Technicalities. It's fairly common to refer to anything inherent, not including technology, that allows you to move something or interact with it without actually touching it as telekinesis. Thus magic is not precluded as a means by which that is accomplished. In any case, google defines it as below:

Definition (Telekinesis): The supposed ability to move objects at a distance by mental power or other nonphysical means.

Magic is clearly a non-physical means.

>>12447311244731 73 now *sigh*

well i always like it when funny things that are weird are in romances... in other words weirdest(and nonsexual)...romance...ever.oh and:fiespiritkiss:

good story, I like the concept and the choice of characters (such as who is stuck to whom, and so on) a lot.

However, I did find a good many spelling/grammar mistakes, which, while they don't necessarily deduct from the story, they do make the reader's experience a bit less enjoyable.

As for the writing itself, you're trying a bit too hard. All those abstract descriptions you use instead of just naming the ponies can get tiresome and confusing. A few of those can do a lot of good, making the story much less repetitive then it could be, too many, such as you are on the brink of using, only serves to confuse the reader, therefore losing their general interest in the story.

Anyways, you earn a like and a fav despite that, if I sounded a bit harsh, I'm sorry. That is just my opinion on how to make your already good story even better.

I like where this is going! But, there were a few gramatical errors I found...

“I don’t know when I started wishing we were something more, but I started too*, and the thought of it was nice.”

*That should be a to, not a too.

"“I was sure then; that back then my feelings was* but a crush and one that had disappeared forever.”

Since we're in the past tense, I'm fairly certain that should be "were".

"absent mind-idly*"

If the online Webster's dictionary is anything to go on, that can be one word, "Absentmindedly."

"Rarity questioned her friends as she began to help the one she was closest too*, Fluttershy, up to her legs."

*That should be to.

>>12503821250382

True, true. I'll concede that.

I am really enjoying this so far. But please, for the love of Celestia, fix the fact that "artifacts" is spelled wrong every time! Other than that, though, I am thoroughly looking forward to the next installment.

>>12503821250382 That depends on how the magic works. Does it create a solid entity that surrounds and lifts object? Does it reduce or increase the mass of the object enveloped? Since we have no idea how it works, we can't say it is not physical. Both of the possibilities that I've listed above are physical means and are well within the realm of possibility.

Begin debate about semantics!

Not really, not in a debate mood right now.

I guess I should offer something to the author, as well. Great idea and originality on this story, but your grammar could use some work; luckily, it's not too distracting.

>>12504261250426

mine just passed 30, it doesn't seem like much but i have many Complete stories there... like griffon the griffon long... *shudders* (for those of you who don't know there are over 90 chapters (i think) in it now... and growing... over 150,000 words...)

Will read when I have the time, but people keep bugging me to entertain/amuse them with for some reason.

This is going to be an AMAZING shipfic.  I can see it already, especially bathroom visits and taking a shower.  Always having to be touching one another while in the shower?

In the words of Fluttershy: O-oh....my.... *blush*

Spike: Giggity.

Rainbow Dash: What was that Spike?

Spike: Nothing!

hmmm.... I wasn't going to read this, but I'm glad I did. =3

As for FS/RD

Image: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/24861178.jpg

>>12504261250426 I just cleaned mine out! Now there are only 4

It just isn't right to write a fic called 'Magnetism' and not have it be about Steven Magnet

>>12509901250990 Mine is also ridiculous, at 41. It's okay.

>>12512521251252 I know what you mean.

>>12450731245073

INDEED!  Why do you think I ship Twilight/Pinkie and Rarity/Applejack?

My reading list getting longer. Must read.

>>12455291245529 That gif made me laugh for a solid 10 minutes.

I LOVE a good laugh dude. Haven't had one in literally weeks!

Thank you so freakin' much!

Hooray original ideas are always nice!

Image: http://iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/61263___safe_pinkie-pie_animated_smile.gif?1344080283

And its pretty well written! Looking forward to more.

I suppose this can go in my favorites for updates sake.

The red string of love huh? Nice concept.

Cool story bro, I eagerly anticipate the next several chapters.

Thanks for posting this story. I really did enjoy it and am eagerly waiting chapter 2.  

I will be watching. I have enjoyed it so far!

Some moustaches for you:

>>12489431248943

>>12502011250201

I didn't see anyone else say it, so just for the record; either is technically correct.  Artefact is simply chiefly used by the British.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/artefact?s=t

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/artefact

>>12504261250426

That's it? This is my 288th.

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png

...I need to read more and read later less.

You did it. By all that is holy, you did it. You are the chosen one.

You hit first spot on the feature box. With a Flutterdash fic. I have the print screen to prove it. I honestly didn't think it would ever happen again. Last time this happened was... must have been when Silent Ponyville 2 got posted here, but that had a readership well in advance of coming here.

I'm in shock. If you want a reference frame for my state of mind think Fluttershy post the second sonic rainboom.

Wow. Anyway, I read this yesterday, I've been following you since you threw up Thank You CIder! I neglected to comment yesterday because when I tried I got started on pointing out all my grammatical greivances with the text and I got bored 3 pages of editorial into doing that. You need a pre-reader or an editor.

Regardless, you've produced something of quality and while you took your time doing so, you have been rewarded for it. So get that pre-reader and in the meantime bask in the praise you deserve.

@Souldin,

I think the story you are thinking of is "Wild, Sweet & Cool" - in which Dash and Twilight are rather...attracted to each other from the influence of magically magnetic spells.

Regardless, I'm quite happy with Comedy/Romance fics so long as they are done well, and by the looks of it, you're off to a great start.

Will be watching this with great interest.

Frostwyrm

>>12514721251472 I really just think I like the hidden joke. Though I kinda dislike the x shipping, I'd still show up for the joke. FUN WITH MAGNETS!

Oh my goodness, A flutterdash story that's actually featured? IT MUST BE GOOD!

Adding to read later, and planning on reading as soon as I get home from school.

Expect a new comment from me....

Only just starting to read this, but I feel I should point out that in future works you may want to tone back the descriptive language a little bit. Painting your readers a picture of your world is a good thing-- drenching them in that paint isn't. If you've already described something once, you're better off keeping it simple thereafter. Twilight is Twilight, she doesn't need to be the "horned equine," "purple unicorn," "lavender pony," and every other possible description.

It's not a bad thing to be descriptive, but it can be overdone. Anyway, back to reading. I'll edit this with further commentary once I finish.

First Edit: Actually, not just descriptive language but words in general. Like I say, it's nice to be a little wordy, but this is a touch overly verbose. A lot of things could be simplified to make it flow a lot better. "Twilight Sparkle emitted an expression of panic as..." for instance, could be as simple as "Twilight panicked as..."

I like the variety in language, but when it's shoved everywhere all willy-nilly it ruins the flow of the prose. And back to reading...

Second Edit: You may also want to look into asking someone to proofread. I'm not sure if your grammar isn't quite perfect or if it's just mistakes made in the haste of creation, but spelling and grammar errors can be a little jarring in stories, dragging the reader out. It almost feels out of character for Twilight to say something like "Celestia and me discussed..." when she's something of a stickler for proper speech. It's not something all too terrible, but having a friend or two give your work a once-over to catch the little things would polish the finished product and make it a more enjoyable read.

Third Edit: Very minor. Manipulating objects with magic would actually be telekinesis. Telepathy is communication from mind to mind by magic or ESP or whatever.

Final Edit: Alrighty, finished this chapter. I quite like the premise, and the story looks to be pretty good. The ponies all seem to be in character, though Rarity is typically portrayed as being somewhat magically inept apart from manipulating small objects, but that's a fan-opinion thing. Like I say, little too wordy, but I think that's more practice than anything. The more you write, the more you learn to find that balance between bland and overwrought. A few of the jokes were a tiny bit forced, but overall pretty good. I think that ties in to the first point, really-- described too much, a joke loses some of the humour.

I also liked the little red-string-of-destiny reference there.

Tl;dr: Pretty good, will be following, perhaps consider getting a pre-reader?

Let the fun awkward moments begin. I can see it now:

"Um, Rainbow Dash? I have to go to the bathroom..."

".... oh boy."

Nice chapter.

Seriously well done fic, I love the premise and execution and look forward to the 2nd chapter!

"Go On..."

Ooh, a FlutterDash fic! God, good FlutterDash is hard to find on this site. Congratulations on getting it featured - that's as much a challenge as finding one.

As a writer of FlutterDash myself (albeit a rather shoddy iteration of the ship) I'm quite eager to offer my opinion on your own.

Expect more words from me as soon as I am able.

>>12527971252797 This

Rainbow Dash is Colombia Blue with a rainbow mane, we get it. We don't need to be reminded of it with every mention of her.

The idea is great and the general mood is fun, but as has been said the execution could do with a little TLC. You're focusing too much on making sure we know what is going on (and exactly what it looks like) rather than why.

A wearied unicorn with a frazzled purple mane stood up at her table, her horn still alight with a soft lavender glow from her little spurt of magic. Though her mind had suddenly snapped awake, her eyes had not yet caught up; they took their time scanning the room and its contents, and then sending the visual messages to the horned equine's brain. Upon taking in the information that a familiar yellow coated friend of hers was sitting beside and checking on a similarly familiar blue coated friend, of hers who was sitting up and rubbing her head and looking resentfully at a book laying near to them that had previously been in front of herself (as to make it clearer you're talking about Twi), the magical pony finished assessing (I assume you were going for this word) the situation and quickly came to a conclusion.

Fair enough that you're visually describing Twi, as she's being introduced to the story (although we were aware she was about to be introduced, so the sense of mystery you're going for by not mentioning her name in this entire paragraph, as if to make us work out who it is, is entirely lost), but we're already aware that Fluttershy has a yellow coat, and Dash has a blue one (hell, you describe what they look like more than Twi here). We're also aware that unicorns are horned equines, 'her' would be a much better replacement possessive adjective.

Regardless, tracked. I love the idea, I just want to see less what, and more why. More emotion, less visual description.

————————————————————————

So I started editing that example chapter to correct mistakes, but may have accidentally ended up changing the wording to improve the flow and to have it make more sense in places. I'm not proud of it, it sorta just happened. It wasn't easy as your writing style is very different to my own, so I am somewhat proud of myself, but equally ashamed as I feel like a dick. I'm sorry.  /fluttershy

>>12523821252382 hehehe... mines in the two hundred as well

I really liked this! Looking forward to the next chapter! Poor poor ponies, being so very cute that such a predicament is completely adorable as I picture it in my head

You're silly British spelling makes me smile

That said, please allow me to state the obvious at you finally posting this story...

>>12447311244731

Mine's at 82 so far.

I'm giving this a thumbs for the dialogue alone! I love innuendos.

>>12530501253050

Regardless, tracked. I love the idea, I just want to see less what, and more why. More emotion, less visual description.

This'd definitely be the concise way to say what I was rambling on about. Good god, that's what I get for reviewing fiction at 5 in the morning...

Certain pieces benefit from being very descriptive, but those pieces of writing are very rarely stories. It's very hard, when being that wordy, not to sap all the feeling from your writing. The feeling behind the writing is oft best conserved by brevity.

To you yourself Webby, don't feel bad about that haha. I think that's normal for anyone correcting a work that writes themselves, as you can never be content with just fixing what's wrong. There's always that need to improve what's already fine to make it better :P I have a bad habit of doing that while pre-reading, so I always have to colour code my corrections. It ranges from red being "fix this because it is wrong and I should hit you with a dictionary," to green being "this is how I would write it even though it was okay to begin with."

>>12492431249243>>12496701249670 I'm on the red carpet, right?

  Wow, this is off to a really great start...too bad the next part won't be up for a while

normally i would let this go, but Twilight should know better;

“Anyway, me and the princess discussed this race for a bit"

that should be "the princess and i", thank you very much.

no but seriously, cool story

So the bracelets are essentially like one of those finger ties where two people can stick their fingers in and get stuck if they pull, but are freed if they push together? This is just on a much stronger scale, of course.

Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/004/128/BRILLIANT_.jpg

Wow, no Bronies are reading this according to the comments, there's just a bunch of sheep reading this, and they seem to be from the contrived romance herd, interesting. I shall record my observations.

Shipping = Feature box

Strange isn't it...

>>12522981252298

AHA! Souldin IS BRITISH!

You can tell so much by how they spell words . . .

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Applejack_lolface.png

..what? chapter already over?

:(

can't wait for more.

awesome story brah, and i have to agree with the earlier posts about more why instead of what, althjough in retrospect, i would rather a story be over-detailed and hard to read than under-detailed and tedious/repetitive, awesome story concept, but if they wanted to avoid public awkward-ness, they could just have a hoof on a shoulder or head and then it would look like they're pals (which they are)

spike:for now...

RD: Geez spike whats with the whole pervertedness lately?

Spike:I dunno, I blame it on Twilight

Rarity: We'll see what she says about that when i tell her after she wakes up

Spike:FUUUUUUU---

Okay, so, after reading through this... There were some minor grammar things I noticed which bugged me, which reminds me: You may want to get some pre-readers in the future to avoid these kinds of things. You may also want an editor. Anyways, I'll just point out one thing I noticed for now because it's the most prevalent thought after reading it.

Access =/= Assess. I believe I noticed this twice throughout the chapter where you used the word access when you should have used the word assess. There were more minor things I noticed, but that's all I'll point out at the moment because I don't really want to go back and search through the chapter for the others.

Aside from the grammar stuff, it was good, I am definitely enjoying this thus far.

Five-ever.

>>12522981252298

I blame the american education system.

Hooray!  It's finally here!  You have no idea how long the wait was from your last story (thanks for the thank you in the last one by the way).  Great intro to the story, you write the characters really well and there were not that many grammar errors.  Can't wait for the next installment in the story.

Cheers,

jangledorf

I'm liking the story quite a lot so far, however there are numerous grammatical and story based errors that detracted from my enjoyment as a reader due to my own nitpicking brain.

Since you asked for constructive criticism, I figure I'll point out all of the errors that I noticed and other oddities with suggested revisions.

I apologize in advance if any of these have been already brought to your attention and/or corrected.

“I don’t know when I started wishing we were something more, but I started too, and the thought of it was nice.”

"Too" should be "to".

“I was sure then; that back then my feelings was but a crush and one that had disappeared forever.”

"Was" should be "were", and the whole sentence sounds kind of awkward.

I would revise it to something like: "I was so sure then, that my feelings were but a crush that had disappeared forever".

“So why..?”

This is completely nitpicky, but for consistency reasons you should use three periods rather than two (it also looks better and is used by standard in most literature).

“Why are me and Rainbow Dash in bed together?”

Should be: "Why are Rainbow Dash and I in bed together?".

By the time Fluttershy was able to walk through the streets of Ponyville the day was well on its way, with the sun high in the sky and less than a couple of hours were left till the fillies and colts could make their way from the school and back to their homes.

"Were" should be removed (I'm not sure if it's necessary, but it certainly sounds better).

Said rainbow zoomed to the ground, stopping once its origin, a rainbow mane pegasus, touched down on the ground, a small cloud of dirt and dust only just reaching the onlooker’s yellow hooves.

"Mane" should be "maned".

“I was on my way to see Twilight. I haven’t seen her yet this week and I thought it would be nice to drop by.” The quiet pony said with her naturally hushed voice.

The period at the end of the quotation should be a comma, and "The" should not be capitalized.

“Huh, funny that, I was heading to Twilight’s as well.” Rainbow Dash replied, tapping a hoof to her chin, “I haven’t actually seen her all week either. You think she’s got her head stuck in some book again?”

Should be revised to:

“Huh, funny that, I was heading to Twilight’s as well,” Rainbow Dash replied, tapping a hoof to her chin. “I haven’t actually seen her all week either. You think she’s got her head stuck in some book again?

Many of your quotations need to be revised in a similar way, but I think you get my point so I won't point the rest out.

“Um...I don’t know.” The mare murmured nervously, unsure if she was supposed to know this piece of information.

"Um..." and "I" should probably have a space between them (again, I'm not entirely sure if it's a rule, but it does look better and seems to be a normal standard). Also, this contains the previously mentioned error.

“Hey Twi, just came t”- The pegasus pony’s words were silenced upon having a magically enchanted book tossed into her face.

The dash marking should be inside the quotation.

Though her mind had suddenly snapped awake, her eyes were not yet with it, and they took their time scanning the room and its contents, and then sending the visual messages to the horned equines brain.

"Equines" should be "equine's".

Upon taking in the information of a familiar yellow coated friend of hers sitting beside and checking on a familiar blue coated friend of hers who was sitting up, rubbing her head, and a book near to them that had previously been in front of her, the magical pony began to access the situation and quickly came to a conclusion.

This sentence is really oddly worded. I would suggest a revision, and more specifically splitting up the sentence and/or reducing its size, since it seems to be a run-on. Something along the lines of:

"She noticed that a familiar yellow coated friend of hers was sitting down near the front door, checking on a familiar blue coated friend of hers who was sitting up and rubbing her head. A book lay on the floor next to them that had previously been in front of her. Upon taking in this information, the magical pony began to access the situation and quickly came to a conclusion."

“Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, I didn’t...hit you with that book just now, did I?”

Again, I would suggest a space between "didn't" and "hit". And again, this is not a big deal, and it does appear in the story several other times so I won't point out from this point forward.

Rainbow Dash grunted as she stood back up on all fours, picked up the formerly accidental projectile, and tossed it lightly towards the centre table of the room,

"Formerly accidental" denotes that throwing the book was accidental until something changed and that it's now a purposefully thrown projectile. Since Twilight obviously didn't mean to throw the book, I would suggest changing it to something else.

“Oh, just checking up on you, you’ know, the fact that nopony has seen you this entire week.”

This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense if you read it. I mean, readers can definitely get the gist of what you're saying, but the quote itself doesn't flow correctly and doesn't provide a connection between its two pieces. I would suggest changing it to something along the lines of: "Oh, just checking up on you, because of, you know, the fact that nopony has seen you this entire week".

“You remember how back on Nightmare night I helped Princess Luna become friends with everypony,” Twilight didn’t per say ask but mentioned, regardless an answer was received by two pegasus nodding their heads

"Per say" is actually spelled "per se", however I would suggest removing it and revising the sentence so that it flows a little better. Something along the lines of: "Twilight stated. Although it was a rhetorical question, a response was received in the form of two pegasus nodding their heads" may work.

“She talked of an intelligent, non-pony race that used to dwell within the Everfree forest.” The scholar enthusiastically revealed, garnering slight looks of shock from her two friends.

“Wait, a group used to live in the Everfree forest? That’s insane.”

“Twilight, this had to at least have been a thousand years ago. I’m sure the Everfree forest was a much nicer place back then.”

It's not exactly clear who the two speakers are after Twilight, although I would guess that the first is Rainbow Dash and the second is Fluttershy. Also, the second mystery speaker addresses Twilight, although they should actually be addressing the first mystery speaker (since Twilight would hypothetically already know this information and because it seems to be a response to the first speaker).

“Not according to Luna, the Everfree forest was larger back then and even considered to be a country independant of Equestria, but otherwise is pretty much the same now as it was back then.” Twilight Sparkle explained before going back to her original subject of the objects, “Anyway, me and the princess discussed this race for a bit, but it turns out that a lot of the historical records were lost in whatever incident caused the race to...die out. But it also turns out that quite a few of their tools and tablets were preserved by Luna herself, gifts she had received from a friend she had among them...and here they are.”

"Independant" should be spelled "independent", and "me and the princess" should be "the princess and I".

The only difference now is that the winged equines had a little background about the artefacts on display in the middle of the library.

"Is" should be "was".

“I thought if I pulled an all-nighter I could learn quite a bit about these artefacts but then when I learnt next to nothing I tried to pull another one...and then another, and another after that...and okay I haven’t slept in the past three days.”

The "okay" seems a little bit out of place.

“Wait, no, that’s a terrible”-

Another instance of the dash being outside of the quotation.

Against both the strong winds and the mystic force that felt like it was trying to tear her right fore-leg off her body,

"Fore-leg" should be "foreleg".

It was around this point, that on the fine, sunny, and clear skied day, that the peaceful hums of distance birds and numerous but pleasantly toned chattering of ponies in the nearby market,

"Distance" should be "distant".

Rainbow Dash was with it much sooner than the rest and Rarity noticed a simple and old but remarkably made attire wrapped round one of her hooves,

Although I do believe "attire" may be technically being used correctly here, "piece of attire" sounds better as it refers to the specific bracelet rather than her whole outfit (although she's not wearing anything besides the bracelet).

When Rainbow Dash tackled Fluttershy to the ground she was surprised, Rainbow Dash did just suddenly tackle Fluttershy.

This sentence's second portion needs to be revised since it doesn't really make sense.

“Rarity, wait! Don’t stop Rainbow from touching Fluttershy!” Twilight ‘incoherently’ blurted out.

I'm not quite sure why "incoherently" has a set of single quotation marks around it, it doesn't seem to really have a purpose here.

Once again Rarity has trouble talking but soon managed to stammer out  a response,

There are two spaces in between "out" and "a" instead of one (honestly, I'm not quite sure how I noticed this).

A bored but now relieved Rainbow raised a hoof in the air and asked aloud, “Quick question, if me and Fluttershy are magnets, am I top and she bottom or does Fluttershy top me?”

"Me and Fluttershy" should be "Fluttershy and I", although it could be argued that Dash really doesn't care about grammar. Also, "am I top and she bottom" should be "am I top and is she bottom".

“Now, now Spike, you’ve done plenty of lifting today, allow me to carry Twilight.” Rarity said, as she telepathically pulled out from her shop a roll of fabric. With a small bit of application from her magic and dressmaking skills, Rarity looped her fellow unicorn under what was now a makeshift canopy bed, and pulled the sleeping mare off the ground with ease, “With this it should be no problem getting our dear Twilight home.”

[...]

With that Rarity and Spike walked off, Twilight resting in a floating canopy alongside them.

Wait, what? I'm a little unclear on how putting a canopy around Twilight helps Rarity carry her. In both cases, she's simply levitating her with magic, so why would wrapping her in a canopy help?

Hopefully you didn't find this offensive. I'm not trying to devalue you or your skills as an author, rather, I'm just trying to point out mistakes that could hopefully easily be prevented in your future writing (and could easily be prevented by having a good proof reader that you trust read over your work).

I also don't aim to change your style of writing. In fact, I would suggest that you revise any errors/oddities yourself instead of following my suggestions to the letter in order to preserve your own style of writing.

I'm not exactly an authoritative expert on grammar, but I at least know a few tricks. If anyone else sees a mistake in what I reported, feel free to correct me.

I mean, you asked for constructive criticism, right?

Alright, I'm in.

>>12514081251408

My read it later list is at 195.

>>12572761257276 ... I have nothing to say to that.

>>12574691257469

Eeyup.

>>12575071257507

Blank?