Rarity fills some orders at the boutique; a day in the life of a fashion diva.
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- Member Since 4th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
Star Grazer
Just a pegasister/gamer/other gal wanting to try her hoof at writing something. Hopefully.
Star Grazer
Joined 4th Sep, 2012 ·
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Hey there!
Seems like this story is very well-written. Though, some advice that may come in handy: Make sure you don't make every two- three sentences 'paragraphs' section it out with transitions, or dialogue~ Every time a new person speaks, the dialogue receives a new line- that's when you can start a new paragraph. If you need help on dialogue, check out my story for an example to fix your own errors. Also, I took the liberty of rewriting one of the paragraphs which I couldn't help to overlook:
"Having given up any hope of further rest, Rarity got up, quickly trotting to the restroom to get herself prepared for the day. After her half hour shower came another half hour of checking over her looks, combing of her mane and tail, and run-over of her coat to make sure it was flawless."
I fixed it:
"Having given up any hope of further rest, Rarity got up with a yawn. She then quickly trotting to the restroom to get herself prepared for the day. After her shower which took over half an hour, then came another half hour of checking over her looks, the combing of her mane and tail, and a quick run-over of her coat to make sure it was flawless."
See how much more interesting and better it sounds when small gramatical errors are fixed? Make sure you tell us what Rarity thinks. She is the star, after all! Describe her thoughts!
Anyways, this story is well-written and could become great! Just make sure you fix those errors I talked about...
~A friendly writer who will always help a brony in need.
This is so... Weird... Did you actually just write a "day in the life" story where absolutely nothing happened? This takes slice of life to a whole new level.
Anyways, I might even like the randomness of it, if it weren't for the numerous errors in sentence structure and word choice. At least it looked nice (ie proper capitalization and formatting)
Good luck with... Well, whatever it is you're doing.
This is just the sort of SoL story I love but there just isn't enough of.
When your parahraphs are this short, you don't need an indent tough, I prefer formatting without it. 