I like writing stories about ponies.
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A 20-year-old Irish boy is transported to Equestria while on a camping trip. He now has to deal with the weight of losing his family while he tries to get use to the customs and traditions of Equestria. His life is turned upside down when he meets a pegasus pony named Fluttershy. He tries his best to make Fluttershy and her friends like him.
Warrning! Many HiE clichés in the story and a fair amount of implied sex. You have been warned.
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You may wish to consider what you really plan to do here. It seems, between the checklist of HiE introduction tropes, and the focus on "not being American" as the primary distinctive element, you may not have much room for telling a story.
See, for example, the first person and present tense usage. This gives a feeling of author insert while conveying a strikingly reactionary approach to the story, feeling much like the character is the author's avatar in a roleplay or roleplaying game. This leads to a certain element of detachment from the narrative and a narrator with little presence in the universe. This makes me vaguely suspect, along with the unfortunate misplacement of homophones, that this is possibly the author's first attempt at longform writing outside of roleplaying.
While that in itself could even be a good thing, it's important to practice in such ventures. Note Fluttershy's wording, she canonically uses very passive language and should be apparent as herself without much descriptive assistance. (Noting as well, not to be overly hamfisted with characterization or flanderization.)
I would recommend investing a little more time into writing as an art, making sure to understand what makes a well crafted paragraph into a well crafted scene.
May you have the best of luck in all writing endeavors, and your efforts be blessed.
10808162
Wow!... Thanks for the advice. Some of that I already knew but, it really hits differently when someone else tells you it. Again, thank you.
10808316
Of course. Remember that a story is a series of elements blended in a way that you don't see the screws holding it all together. The act of turning elements into a seamless flow is the art of writing. Skills are only honed from practice, for example a story that may be relevant to you is Bad Mondays, which started as a simple writing exercise by an Irishman and friend of mine.
Remember that we all must start somewhere, and that having the confidence to hit "post" is just as important a step as any. Take it from the guy who has deleted 75k words of his writing because he couldn't get it perfect.
My family is from Kilkenny Ireland they were the Brennan’s
10837426
That's an interesting coincidence that the city I chose for Brogan is the same one your family is from.
10837451
Yeah it was a cool coincidence
Wait, Dash saved him and was still hostile towards him here in this fic. Wow, I didn't think that annoying HIE cliché could get any worse. Way to make it more contrived and forced.
10943447
I am honestly surprised you are the only one to point this out, and yes I know how bad it is. I reread my own book after being gone for a few months and realized how bad that part was. I might go back and rewrite that at some point. Thanks again for pointing it out.
10943814
Sounds good. Other than that it's a solid story and I will wait for more.
Is this a self-insert?
10951492
No, it is not. It's just the way I write. It's been a problem for a long time with me. If you don't like it, just move on.
This is a bit rushed, but not a bad story so far. I shall continue to read, and see where this goes.
It's kind of fun imagining this guy talking like a certain Youtuber I follow. Call Me Kevin, lol.
10984304
This is my first book, so things might be rushed.
10984309
Shit, now I can't unhear Call me Kevin's voice when I read the dialog.
No he won't. At least, I wouldn't. Too much energy, lol.
Oh gosh. No hate, my friend, but that's one of the more atrocious southern drawl depictions I've seen. You might have been better off not trying to depict her accent at all. I actually prefer if authors don't; reading it can be very clunky, and breaks up the flow of the story.
Um... that could be taken the wrong way. Quite badly.
That's Twilight and I, not me and Twilight.
10984462
Thanks for the catch.
10984416
How? I am generally curious about how it could be taken the wrong way?
Where did Dash get Mussels from? Was she having lunch? Lol
10984550
Trans= transexual.
"I snapped out of my trans" could mean something waaaaay more explicit than I think you meant, lol.
10984674
Lol, now I can't unread that.
10951520
I never said I hated this story.
Don't you mean Strangely Fabulous?
11004194
I was just being polite. Also, thanks for the ketch.
Twilight was really mean here. She knows that secrets and lying aren't a good thing but she goes and pretend that she didn't know about humans and didn't bother to talk with the people who should know about the other.
10984355
I agree with ya to an extent. Some authors do pretty well writing a southern accent, easy to read and still knowing what they're saying, while still keeping true to character. But I agree that the way this author does so is atrocious, my brain was starting to fry trying to understand it.
Reading any of the Apples southern drawl as you've written it, it physically hurts to read...... the story so far has been great and really enjoyable, and I'll continue to read it. But fuck me, that drawl is fucking awful......
Oh, man. It ends here? Well, I guess I will for your possible sequel. If you plan to, of course. Anyways, good story.
Alright, at the behest of my friend I gave this a read through.
You actually have the beginnings of a good sense of pace but it comes across as very rushed and chaotic, which isn't very good as you don't really allow a scene to build up properly. However, at the very least this meant I was never bored reading the story as it didn't linger overly long on miscellaneous points, despite this you could do with taking your time and considering your pacing and what you want the scene to communicate to the audience. This is very hard to do properly with a first person perspective which greatly limits narrative perspective and scene composition as we're purely locked into the perspective character's point of view and can't notice anything else about the scene the character is not directly observing right that second. When done well this can be a great tool for narrative tension building but the vast majority of the time it is a handicap.
Thankfully there wasn't too many action scenes in the story as this limitation would greatly hinder your ability to communicate the chaos of the situation adequately to the audience. For example with the battle against the Timberwolves in the second to last chapter, we're limited to Brogan's perspective, he see Dash get hit but we don't linger on how bad the hit is, she seems fine, but she is described as sounding sleepy and she collapses at one point seemingly randomly before the climatic scene with Brogan and Finn on the Ravine. I understand you mean to imply Dash got pretty roughed up while battling the Timberwolf on her own but we the audience never got to understand just how bad that final hit rattled her, so it comes across as random and out of nowhere that she collapsed like that. Also there was that third Timberwolf (the one Brogan yeeted a fireball straight to the face) that just sorta disappears, I understand you wanted to end the fight quickly for the climatic scene but it a very noticeable oversight. Another place where this limitation screws with the reader was the chapter just after Brogan woke up from the night of the school bonfire party and the events thereof, and we get the revelation that Twilight had ahem sampled Brogan's wares on what was, essentially, Day Two of his time in Equestria.
This revelation came so out of left field that I actually went back to the chapter where she was getting Brogan's measurements, both the final scene where it cuts off and the first scene of the next chapter where they are both embarrassed. It came across, at my absolute worst interpretation, that Twilight had no sense of personal space and FOR SCIENCE'd her way to breaking Brogan's personal space boundaries for her measurements, which is funny and awkward which fits many common depictions of funny awkward purple horse wizard princess, so I assumed that's what happened and nothing more intimate, because being locked into Brogan's perspective it was hard to pick up on subtext from tertiary narrative clues, so the latter revelation came as something of a shock.
Speaking of narrative, it really did feel as if you weren't sure where you wanted to go with this story. An adventure? A slice of life? Mystery? It had elements of all of them but never committed to any of them on the macro level. It bounced between hinting at Brogan's knowledge of ancient Celtic magic, which brings up all sorts of world building questions that never even get asked much less answered. Which happens a lot in the story, because there are interesting world building elements, not least of which is brought up very early on with the tools in Fluttershy's kitchen having hoof shaped indents to allow them to click onto their hooves to allow easier tool use. But this or anything like this is never brought up again, or commented on, even passively by Brogan. So too with Luna's eventual revelation there had been other humans to Equestria before (besides his dad), but that was very late in the story so it cant be held against it.
On the micro level, it never seems to follow through on the consequences of the stories developments. Brogan needs a job, so he gets one working at Applejack's farm. Ok, standard fare, lots of authors have their humans do that. But we never actually see it, even occasionally, outside of one scene during the Bet arc where he's messing with Rainbow Dash. AJ's farm is good slice of life fodder, as is her family and other secondary characters of Ponyville but it never gets seems to get utilized for it despite the story almost never leaving the town. Speaking of the Bet Arc, the bet was hyped up for three chapters where they were pranking eachother to win the prank war with some fairly serious consequences, becoming the servant of the other for like a week. But once it concluded and one of them wins... We don't see it. Its not even mentioned again, not even as a joke, its like the arc never happened.
His father popping out of nowhere was actually a shocking development and a genuine twist in the story I didn't see coming, and the heavy implication of timey wimey shenanigans being involved as Brogan slowly realises he was the other man from stories his dad told him when he was a child had fascinating implications. Especially as time progressed and he realised this strange human Finn met had the same name as his son, but unlike Brogan, was unaware time shenanigans were involved so couldn't possibly infer Brogan actually was his son from the future (from his perspective). It was weird and felt unnatural that the mane six would know he existed and then just never tell Brogan however, making Brogan's otherwise understandable reaction to this revelation felt kinda forced, especially when he gave the ponies the cold shoulder for their 'betrayal.' Especially Fluttershy, who he had stumbled into basically confessing to not too long beforehand, making his rude treatment of her, not even saying goodbye, seem especially heartless when she was the least at fault.
However, as almost comically heartless as the climax seems (letting go of his dad), it ceases to be so when you realise his dad doesn't actually die. He makes it back to earth, in order to tell his then younger son about his adventures in horseland and how the ravine was magic and thats how he survived. This... Ruins the character development after that point where Brogan acts very much like he had just callously killed his father in order to avoid a time paradox, when he should know he didn't, he just sent him back to Earth thanks to his foreknowledge because of time bullshit. So his otherwise understandable mourning the night after the incident is undermined when, trauma aside, he knows he didn't actually kill his dad. Which makes his burning of his dad's journals, his 'last connection to Earth', seems more callous than cathartic, which I believe was what was intended. Especially since I think its implied he burns 'The Irish Man' as well, the book whose cover forms the image of this fiction's cover image.
Speaking of callousness, the characterization of Brogan does not exactly make him likeable, which is alright if that was what is intended, but I don't think it was. Brogan's rather... abrupt put down of each of the girls in turn, the ones he was considering a relationship with, comes across as very, very dickish. Not least because not only does he not do it gently, especially to Twilight who he had been working with closely for the better part of a year at that point. And then he decides to stand outside the door, winning a bet with himself that he made her cry. And then does the something, more or less with Rainbow Dash. This came across as extremely churlish and almost sociopathic on Brogan's part, which if things had of gone differently and he did in fact kill his dad at the ravine would have sealed him as one of the most impressively Bastardous human characters I have read in a fiction under a 100k words. I do not think this was intentional however, but man it came across that way.
While it was very hard to get through the initial sentence structure of the early chapters, you clearly tidied up your spellchecking by the last couple chapters by a great deal but there was still a lot of work to be done here and there, but clearly progress had been made. It did make for some impressively confusing moments at times, like at the Bonfire where I legitimately struggled to understand how much alcohol content was in the spirits being given to the school kids, why it was considered below Adult limits for Ponies, and how low the alcohol content must have been in that whiskey Twilight had them both drink a few scenes before in the library that only got brogan buzzed and not blitzed. Also I had no idea what to make of the fact the ponies used to use Francium to purify their alcohol back in the day, that stuff is like the rarest, most radioactive element on the periodic table. I, too, like my Exclusion Zone vodka without ice, fellow Stalker.
All things considered, not a bad first effort despite its flaws with much you can improve upon and learn from, but there's clearly something there.
11192435
I loved it and Keep up the good writing