Jinxed
Joined 24th Mar, 2013 ·
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Isn’t that the one pic that has a small black kid in the black hole?
Well this is quite gruesome so far. It definitely doesn't shy away from the gory details. I almost wanted to vomit a couple times myself reading what Twilight has had to deal with.
Hey, great job! I’m glad to see another Blinkverse story pop up. I’m only sorry I didn’t read it sooner. You also went into far more detail than most others—certainly more than I’m capable of, anyway—and it looks like you did your research too. I’d just like to offer a few constructive criticisms for future chapters:
1) You use the word “had” a little too much. This is an extremely common problem amongst writers, and something I myself am guilty of. I’d check if each sentence makes sense without the word, and if so, remove it.
2) Conciseness. Try to avoid using multiple adjectives. For example, “severely heavy migraine” can be shortened to “severe migraine” without any loss of meaning or effect.
3) Though detail is good, you might have spent a little too much time thus far on the specific means of Twilight’s survival. I know this is important, and I probably didn’t focus on it enough, but your readers might want to see plot, drama, and/or character growth soon.
On a more positive note, I loved the section where Twilight cuts into Booksmart and faces some emotional turmoil right after. Great stuff. I look forward to seeing more of it. You’ve done well, and I wish you the best of luck in continuing the story. I’ll gladly come back to read more. :)
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I appreciate the feedback but all of what I've written is mostly for effect.
Things such as 'severely heavy migraine' are written as such for the weight and cutting it down doesn't quite have the same impact for me.
If people aren't into reading a story because it focuses on the survival aspect, which is mostly the point of these starting chapters and I would say, the entire pull of being stranded with little in the way of supplies, then I'm not sure they're in the right place.
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Fair. I’m only one perspective, and not an authoritative one. I didn’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t focus on survival—you definitely should—but rather that it could be more thoroughly interspersed with other content. Either way, I wish you luck with the writing and hope you have a wonderful day! :)
I half expected her to open her eyes.
Ohohoho. Now THAT I'd like to see.
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Discored and chrissy to
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YASSS CHRYSALIS!!
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Other characters's pocket dimension have not really been explored so far.
Main character's pockets stories would probably look too much like Twilight's, Starlight for example would just be a copy paste.
Ancient Villains, with much different knowledge, power, and mentality? Now that would be awesome!
Sombra and Discord come top in my mind when it comes to making a unique story.
when she tells you to eat that pussy
This is one of the best blink stories i have read can't wait for the bext one.
Finally, a Twilight that is actually thinking! Love the story.
This is honestly probably the most detailed and technical of all the blink stories. I love how I can both learn and understand what she is doing, wondering what her creations look like.
I love how pragmatic, realistic, and somewhat... hopeful this one is. I can`t wait to see how they build a small community and start their studies.
I am looking forward to seeing the story continue.
Glorious story, I'm waiting with anticipation for continuation