Luna and the Moose: A Tale of the Night Court

by shallow15

On the Nature of the Moose

“Explain it to me again,” said Princess Luna. “We are dealing with what species of moose?”

“An indeterminate moose, Your Highness,” Night Audit answered. “Miss Bookbinder found some enlightening information on our problem.”

The four of them had reconvened in the throne room to strategize. Dawn was scheduled to begin in less than two hours, and word had come that the ambassador's train from Manehattan was due to arrive at the station shortly afterward. Time was running out and so was the princess's patience.
Miss Bookbinder stepped forward with the book she had retrieved.

“Indeterminate moose are a feral moose species unique to the Minotaur Nations,” she began. “They have some sort of innate magic, similar to some of the animals in the Everfree Forest. It manifests in slightly higher intelligence and a unique survival trait.”

“Which is?” Luna asked.

“Basically, an indeterminate moose is capable of identifying its own species when someone mentions it out loud in front of it. But the nature of the magic is such that the moose can know where it is or what it is, but not both at the same time.”

Luna's eyebrows raised briefly, then lowered into an expression of disbelief. “Miss Bookbinder, are you saying that what is currently rampaging around the castle is some sort of... quantum moose?”

“Essentially, yes,” Miss Bookbinder replied. “If the moose realizes it's a moose, the survival instinct kicks in and it vanishes until such time that it forgets what it is. Fortunately, indeterminate moose have very short memories and generally reappear a few minutes later a short distance away.”

“Which explains all the difficulty we've been having isolating the moose,” said Night Audit. “I've made some inquiries among the staff and everypony I've talked to said that they did call it a moose when the moose could hear them.”

“Same thing happened to me, Your Highness,” Star Cluster said.

“And its innate magic is able to subvert my own restraint spells,” Luna said, thinking aloud. She paced back and forth in front of the throne for a few moments, before looking at her staff.

“Miss Bookbinder,” she said. “Does your book have any suggestions on how to catch one of these indeterminate moose?”

Miss Bookbinder rifled through the pages of the book, then looked up. “According to this, aside from not giving the moose any clue as to what it is, there are very few ways to keep it in one place.”

Luna huffed through her nostrils and paced again. “If we cannot keep it in one place, then perhaps we can herd it towards the gardens?”

“That could work,” Miss Bookbinder said. “If nopony mentions what it is when it gets there, then the survival instinct probably wouldn't kick in.”

“And if we time it right, we could conceivably get it to the gardens just after dawn and ready for the ambassador's arrival,” Night Audit added.

“Um,” said Star Cluster, “I hate to be a wet blanket, but there's kind of a problem with that plan.”

“And that is?” Luna asked, stopping her pacing and looking down at the night guard.

“Well, if we herd the moose to the gardens just after dawn, won't Princess Celestia see us and figure something fishy's been happening all night?”

“She has a point,” Night Audit said. “I had an encounter with the princess just before the moose appeared in the library. I'm afraid I may have roused her suspicions.”

“Sadly, I am certain I did the same when I encountered her in the kitchens,” said Luna. She looked out one of the windows, lost in thought. “There has to be a way to get it where we need it to go without arousing my sister's suspicions.”

“Well,” said Star Cluster, “there's always teleportation.”

Luna turned her head sharply. “What did you say?”

Star Cluster blinked. “I was just joking, Princess. In the barracks, whenever we have some kind of problem, somepony always says 'well, there's always teleportation' whenever we can't think of what to do about it.”

Luna looked down at Star Cluster, frowning. Then her lips curled up in a wicked little grin.

“Star Cluster, you are an accidental genius.”

“Oh, come on!” Miss Bookbinder snapped. “Your Highness, you can't seriously be considering taking the advice of this... this... all right, I can't think of anything vitriolic enough to make my point right now, but anything that falls out of this mare's skull is inherently a bad idea!”

“If you have any better ideas, Miss Bookbinder, I shall be more than happy to hear them. But speak quickly, time is running out, and so are our options.” Luna glared down at the librarian.

Miss Bookbinder gulped and looked down at the floor. “I'm sorry for speaking out of turn, Your Highness. But teleporting an unwilling seven hundred pound moose? It seems too likely something could go wrong, even with your power and skill.”

Luna's expression softened. “Your concerns are noted, Miss Bookbinder, and are not without merit. But what else would you have me do? We are out of time and I will not allow one ridiculous occurrence at Night Court to turn into an international incident. Would that we could simply throw a net over the damned moose and be done with it.”

“Actually,” Night Audit said, his voice thoughtful. “It may be possible to do just that.”

“What do you mean?” Luna asked, turning her attention to the clerk.

“It would take some careful planning and a bit of luck,” Night Audit answered, “but, if we execute this correctly, we should be able to get the moose to the gardens without your sister noticing and suitably impress the ambassador when he arrives.”

Night Audit quickly outlined his idea to the three mares. After he finished, Luna grinned.

“It is a good plan, Night Audit, but I believe I have one or two refinements that will make it perfect.”

Comments

[Ssendam the Masked]

An indeterminate moose. Sounds lke it evolved on the Disc.

[King Kenya]

That is taken from 'science of the discworld' isn't it? The Bursar caught the magical disease uncertainty, which has precisely the same effect.

[shallow15]

3500548

No, actually. I've never read any of the Science of the Discworld books. I just thought the idea of a quantum moose was hilarious and came up with a suitably Equestrian name for it.

[King Kenya]

3501216
Good Grief. You must think an awful lot like Sir Terry then. That name is more Discworldian than Equestrian, given the Ambiguous Puzuma, an animal that moves at near light speed, and thus cannot be proven to exist at any given time, and tends to suffer from quantum anxiety about whether or not it exists, or the Shadowing Lemma, an animal that exists in 2-dimensions and eats mathematicians, or the Quantum Weather Butterfly, which has wings with fractal edges of infinite length, and create freak weather for self-defence and as part of their courting rituals, or the .303 bookworm, which can go through a shelf of grimoires so fast it bounces off the opposite wall, or even re-annual crops, which are harvested the year before they are planted, and if made into alcohol give you a hangover the morning BEFORE, meaning you have to drink quite a lot to get over it. Sir Terry would be proud of you, I'm quite sure.

[Enthalpy]

“If the moose realizes it's a moose, the survival instinct kicks in and it vanishes until such time that it forgets what it is. Fortunately, indeterminate moose have very short memories and generally reappear a few minutes later a short distance away.”

This made me laugh ridiculously loudly. I agree with King Kenya that the indeterminate moose really is a creation worthy of Pratchett.

[Puzzle Reader]

This is very silly. I like it~