A moose arrives at Canterlot. Just another typical night at Night Court
While Celestia runs the Day Court with the important business of keeping Equestria running smoothly, that leaves Luna to deal with the business of the Night Court. Sadly, this means dealing with those ponies and issues that could be charitably described as "nuttier than a fruitcake."
Such is the case when Princess Luna, her faithful court clerk Night Audit, and rookie night guard Star Cluster have to deal with a moose that unexpectedly arrives at Night Court just hours before an important ambassador is scheduled to arrive. Where did the moose come from? Why is it there? Will it stop eating all the royal ficuses? Will Celestia notice the chili powder in her toothpaste?
“Let me see if I understand you correctly,” Princess Luna said, looking down at the pony who was standing in front of the royal throne. “You are requesting the sum of five hundred thousand bits from the royal treasury in order to finance a catapult to – "
“Launch pigs into orbit!” the lab-coated pony stated proudly. He had a long, greasy black mane, and wore bizarre goggles with red and white spiral lenses.
“There is a decided lack of pork in orbit around out planet," he continued. "Thus leaving us open to attack from the Dread Space Wolves from Planet Canis!”
Luna quirked an eyebrow, causing the pony to grin manically in desperation.
“Did I mention it can also be used for on planet defense of Equestria?” he asked.
Luna sighed. “While I can appreciate your desire to save us from our extra-terrestrial enemies, Doctor...?”
“Inmaneo.” The pony helpfully supplied.
“Inmaneo, yes. In any event, Doctor, while your concern is noted, at this time I cannot justify the release of such a sum from the treasury for such an... ambitious project.”
“But Your Highness, I have all the research and proof anypony could want!” Inmaneo gestured with one foreleg at the myriad of charts and graphs he had set up during his initial presentation. Then, much to Luna's surprise, he dove headlong into the stacks of papers.
“Planet Canis will be in alignment with our own world in a scant thirty years,” Inmaneo said, his voice muffled by the piles of paper. “Thus giving the Dread Space Wolves an excellent opportunity to strike! We have to have something in orbit to distract them and sate their terrible hunger before they come down here and it's spicy queso dip for the lot of us!”
“Spicy queso dip?” Luna repeated, confusion evident in her voice.
“Thank you for the offer, but not right now, Your Highness.” Inmaneo's voice came from somewhere under a pile or random charts he was sifting through.
Luna exhaled slowly through her nostrils and turned to her left, where a forest green unicorn stallion with a neatly trimmed light blue mane was looking over a scroll that hovered in front of him.
“Night Audit?” she whispered. Night Audit looked up from the scroll, adjusted his glasses, and moved closer to the throne.
“Yes, Your Highness?” he said, keeping his voice low.
“Why am I listening to this insanity?”
“It would appear the doctor has petitioned your sister...” He consulted the scroll quickly. “... eighteen times at Day Court for this catapult of his. She's turned him down every time. Perhaps he thought he'd have more luck with you.”
“Oh, thank you so much, Tia.” Luna rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Inmaneo, who had finally emerged from the pile of papers. “Dr. Inmaneo, as I said, your concerns are welcome, however, five hundred thousand bits is an amount I am not comfortable authorizing at this time. Thank you for your time– ”
“But Your Highness!” Inmaneo protested, “I'm sure that with a lesser amount I could–"
“Thank you, Doctor,” Luna said with a tone of finality. “Your request is denied. If you can find more credible evidence of extraterrestrial invasion, my sister or I will be more than happy to re-examine your petition. Until then, the Court has other business to attend to. Guards, please assist the doctor in collecting his research and escort him out of the palace.”
As the protesting scientist was half-escorted, half-dragged out of the throne room, Luna let out another sigh, this one of exhaustion. This was the curse of the Night Court, as Luna had found out since her reinstatement as co-ruler of Equestria. Celestia dealt with important social-political petitions dealing with everything from education to international affairs during Day Court. Unfortunately, that left Luna with the more “interesting” petitioners attending Night Court. She had also found that a word had been introduced to the Equestrian dictionary which described these types of ponies with their outrageous ideas and demands.
Lunatics.
Needless to say, use of the word in the Night Princess's presence was met with considerable uproar. It had also led to a rather large addition to the palace upkeep bill the month she had first heard the word and discovered what it meant. They still had yet to find all the shards of the royal credenza.
“What else is on the agenda, Night Audit?” Luna asked. The clerk consulted the scroll once again.
“Only two or three things, Your Highness.”
“And the general insanity of these items?”
“No more insane than usual, Princess,” Night Audit replied with a small smirk. He looked back at the scroll. “Oh! Well, here's something that might be more to your liking. The ambassador from the Minotaur Nations is scheduled to arrive just before dawn. Princess Celestia thought you might like to be the one to formally greet him.”
“Oh, joy, more of my sister's leftovers. Make a note, Night Audit, remind me to steal her toothbrush near the end of the night.”
Night Audit quirked and eyebrow and gave Luna a disapproving look over the top of his spectacles. Luna returned the look with a frown.
“What?” she asked, irritation evident in her voice.
“Again, Your Highness?” Night Audit asked. He rolled up the agenda scroll and withdrew another from the scroll caddy next to the throne. He unrolled and peered at it. “According to my records, you've done that six times this month in retaliation for some perceived slight from your sister.”
“She keeps provoking me,” Luna said, looking away from Night Audit with a huff.
“And this may have been true on a couple of occasions,” Night Audit replied, rolling the scroll back up and putting it away. “But in this case, I think it is a sincere effort on Princess Celestia's part to involve you more in the international affairs of the Royal Court.”
Luna pouted for a moment before sighing again. “You have a point, Night Audit. Very well, I will not steal my sister's toothbrush again.”
“An excellent idea, Your Highness.”
Luna turned her head towards him again, a wicked smile on her lips. “I shall instead put chili powder in her toothpaste.”
“Yes, Your Highness,” Night Audit groaned. “Shall we move on to the next petitioner?”
“We shall,” Luna said. She faced the double doors of the throne room and unleashed the Canterlot Royal Voice. “SEND IN THE NEXT PETITIONER!”
Night Audit winced and shook his head, refraining from reminding the princess to use her inside voice. It never did any good, anyway.
After a few moments, the princess, the clerk, and the four guards posted in the throne room became aware of a muffled ruckus coming from the other side of the throne room doors. Sounds of shouting from the guards on duty on the other side of the throne room doors were soon added to the commotion. Luna and Night Audit exchanged glances, then Luna got to her hooves and walked towards the throne room doors, the clerk following after her.
“What in the name of Equestria is going on out there?” Luna asked aloud. She channeled magic through her horn, focusing it on the handles of the doors.
Suddenly, the doors burst open, causing Luna to shriek in surprise and take to the air. Night Audit quickly grabbed a nearby vase with his own magic, while the bat-winged night guards in the room moved to protect their princess from the horrid, slavering monster that had violated the sanctity of the throne room.
All six of them blinked when the horrid, slavering monster came to a halt, sniffed the air, then calmly walked over to the decorative plant in the corner of the room and began eating it. This allowed them to finally recognize what had burst into the room.
It was a moose.
Luna landed on the floor, next to Night Audit. The night guards moved in front of them, forming a line of defense.
“Night Audit?” Luna asked quietly.
“Yes, Your Highness?”
“Does the agenda for the evening have anything about a moose being at court today?”
“No, Your Highness.”
“And I have not gone insane?”
“If you have, then so have I, Your Highness.”
“You are absolutely certain?”
“Quite certain, Princess,” Night Audit said.
“And there is, in fact, a moose eating the ficus?”
“There is, indeed, a moose eating the ficus.”
Luna nodded sagely. “Night Audit?”
The clerk adjusted his glasses again. “Yes, Your Highness?”
“Call down to the night porter and tell her to bring a bottle of the strongest cider in the wine cellar, please. It appears it will be one of those nights.”
The moose finished eating the ficus, trotted across the room and began to devour the rhododendron bush in the opposite corner.
“Right!” Luna said as she moved past the four night guards, Night Audit following behind her. “The first thing we should do is determine what this moose wants.”
“Aside from eating the royal ficus?” Night Audit asked. Luna glared at him from out the corner of her eyes.
“Yes, thou overly sarcastic clerk,” she answered, slipping into Olde Canterlot, something she only did these days when excited, irritated, or to emphasize a point. “Aside from eating the royal ficus.”
The moose snorted and spat out a mushy clump of rhododendron pulp onto the floor. It then slowly turned its head and stared at Luna. It was about as big as Luna herself, so monarch and moose were more or less eye to eye. It didn't prevent Luna from glancing at the gargantuan antlers or her brain from coming up with at least six ways it could gore her on the spot should it decide to charge again as it had when it came into the throne room.
Luna grinned widely in what she hoped was a friendly smile of welcome. It was actually more like a grimace of sheer awkwardness, but those in the room wisely decided not to inform their princess of this. Luna's brain, having moved on from conjuring images of death by giant antler impalement, was now trying to remember anything it could about moose.
Let us see, the moose nomads used to roam in the frozen lands north of what is now Vanhoover and the Crystal Mountains. Mostly reclusive. The moose never ventured any further south than they had to.
Did we ever have a moose at court before my banishment? I do not think so. Cursed memory! You would think I could remember seeing something this massive at court before! It is still staring at me. It probably expects the formal greeting! Oh Tartarus, what was the formal greeting for moose?
Buck it. I shall have to, as the pegasi say, “wing it.”
Luna cleared her throat and raised a hoof in welcome. “Greetings, O Moose Traveler from the Northern Lands! I, Luna, Night Princess of Equestria...”
“Um,” said Night Audit, trying to get Luna's attention. “Your Highness?”
“... Ruler of the Moon, Dancer with the Stars...”
“Your Highness!” Night Audit said, louder this time. Luna, however, was on a roll.
“... Mistress of the Dark, Chambermaid of the Shadow Places, Official Annual Cheesecake Bake-Off Judge...”
“Luna!” Night Audit shouted, finally getting the princess's attention. Luna paused in her recitation of her official titles, glared at Night Audit, then smiled back at the moose.
“My most heartfelt apologies, O Moose Traveler. It would appear that my esteemed court clerk has forgotten his manners. I pray beg your pardon while I deal with this egregious insult...” She frowned down at Night Audit, her eyes glowing white. “...severely.”
Luna extended one of her wings, covered Night Audit with it and swiftly escorted him back to the throne. She lowered her head so she was face to face with her clerk.
“We will give thee exactly one chance to explain thy intolerable rudeness,” she whispered harshly, Olde Canterlot in full effect. “Or thou is going to find thyself lucky if thou is only demoted to Lord Warden of the Royal Privies!”
“Your Highness, if you think that moose is from one of the nomadic moose tribes, that's impossible!” Night Audit hissed.
“And why, pray tell, is that?”
“Because the moose tribes wiped each other out in a bitter clan war about seven hundred years ago! Completely! No one has seen a tribal moose in Equestria since!”
Luna blinked. “Seven hundred years?”
Night Audit sighed. “Yes, Your Highness.”
Luna looked at her clerk, then extended her wing towards the moose. “Then where did this moose come from?”
Night Audit adjusted his glasses. “Odds are, it's a feral moose.”
Luna frowned and looked back over at the moose, which, as if it was answering her unspoken question, committed a rather large indiscretion on the polished floor. Luna's lip curled up in disgust and she turned back towards Night Audit, considering.
Feral animals weren't uncommon in Equestria. The Everfree Forest was full of them. The idea that there may be feral moose somewhere in the Northern Lands wasn't outside the realm of possibility. That, however, led to another question.
“If that is the case,” Luna began. “Then how did this moose get here to the palace?”
“If I may, Your Highness,” Night Audit said. “I think the better question, for now, is how did it get into the throne room?”
The universe answered their question as the sound of an excited mare's voice drifted through the open doors of the throne room.
“Whoops! Sorry, pal, my bad. Let me help you with that. Jeez, you don't have to be so mad about it! Oh, hey, you see a moose go running by here? I was trying to lead it to the gardens but it kinda got away from me. Oh, come on, it's a perfectly reasonable question!”
Luna and Night Audit looked from the doorway to each other.
There were many requirements to become a member of the Canterlot Royal Guard. Exceptional physical prowess, above average intelligence, specializations in flight, magic, or combat (depending on the species of pony), and in the case of the Night Guard, a willingness to have aspects of one's physical form altered.
When a pony was selected for the Night Guard and swore the oath of service, a spell was cast upon them to conform to what was considered the standard appearance for a member.The pony's coat was changed to a shade of gray, generally a darker shade for stallions than mares. The pony's vision was enchanted to be able to see in the dark, manifesting in golden cat-like eyes that were fairly unnerving to anypony unlucky enough to find themselves under their gaze. However, the eyes were nothing compared to the leathery bat wings which replaced the normal feathered wings of the pegasi, or were magically grown onto the backs of unicorns and earth ponies who joined up.
All in all, the effect upon encountering one of the Night Guard ranged from unease to outright terror. Celestia had asked, before Luna's banishment to the moon, why she would have her personal guard look so frightening to anypony who encountered them. Luna's response had been oddly logical:
“When the shadows of the night seem darker than usual and dread that our enemies could come at any moment is seizing their hearts, our subjects can take comfort that, no matter how horrific the enemy or the monster, there is nothing out there that is more terrifying than our Night Guard.”
After Luna's return, the first thing she had done was reinstate the Night Guard. Well, to be honest, it was the fourth thing she had done, right after a hot bath, a huge meal, and a rather intimately sticky encounter with one of the unsuspecting house colts. It was lonely up there, suspended in the moon.
The reinstated Night Guard, while smaller in number, were nonetheless just as loyal as the ponies in their ranks a millennium ago. However, Luna had found that, in this modern era, the ponies who wished to join tended to be much like the ponies who would petition the Night Court. That is to say, a bit... quirky.
This was why the arrival of the moose in the throne room was explained quite succinctly by the fact that Night Guard Lance-Corporal Star Cluster was involved
Unlike the rest of the Night Guard, Star Cluster's enchantment to the standard appearance had somehow gone awry. While the wings, coat, and eyes had changed as expected, her mane and tail had not changed to the standard blue and gray stripes normally found on the other Night Guard. In Star Cluster's case, the gray stripes had appeared, but her original blood red mane had remained where it would have turned midnight blue.
The odd resistance to the enchantment was only the beginning. While all the Night Guard had their own little foibles when off duty, Star Cluster's foibles were there all the time. She refused to wear her helmet when on duty, drew graffiti on the walls of wherever she was stationed, and, most annoyingly, she had tendency to constantly think out loud. This personality quirk was in full bloom when she zoomed into the throne room and spotted the moose in the corner.
“There you are!” she said with a sigh of relief. She flew over to the moose and hovered in front of its snout. “Do you know how long I've spent looking for you? Because of you I couldn't meet up with Shooting Star behind the garden shed. And let me tell you, there's a very good reason they call him 'Shooting Star,' if you follow me. Oh, well, there's always tomorrow. Let's get you out to the gardens anyway.”
The night guard reached forward with her forelegs, wrapped them around a couple of prominent prongs of the moose's antlers and began pulling, attempting to drag the moose out of the room. This did not have the intended effect, as the moose remained immobile, which Star Cluster strained to drag it away.
“Okay,” she grunted through clenched teeth. “Not a problem. Let's go. Come on! Once more! Hnnnnnnnghaaaaa!”
Luna and Night Audit exchanged another, more amused glance, before the Night Princess cleared her throat.
“Lance-Corporal Star Cluster! Stand to attention!”
Instantly, Star Cluster's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. She quickly let go of the moose and hovered at attention, saluting with a foreleg.
“Night Guard Lance-Corporal Star Cluster, standing ready and at your command, O Luna, Princess of the Night!”
Luna waved a hoof. “That will do, Lance-Corporal. Am I to understand that you are responsible for this?” Luna nodded her head in the direction of the moose.
Star Cluster swallowed. “Um, well, Your Highness. I'm not exactly responsible for it being here. Well, I am responsible for it being in the throne room, I guess, but I didn't bring it here to the castle. I just was trying to get it out of the courtyard before it decided to – oh, it did that in here, didn't it?”
Night Audit slapped a hoof to his forehead, while Luna's eyes narrowed and focused on Star Cluster. When she spoke again, Olde Canterlot had returned to her speech.
“Thou hast best explain thyself in short order, Lance-Corporal, or thy evenings with Shooting Star will be a thing of the past, for thy future will be spent in the deepest depths of the castle sewers with only our sister's toothbrush for company. Dost thou understand us?”
Star Cluster gulped and nodded frantically. Luna's eyes began to glow and she let loose with the Canterlot Royal Voice.
“DOST THOU UNDERSTAND US, SOON-TO-BE PRIVATE STAR CLUSTER?”
“The moose teleported into the courtyard about half an hour ago, I was ordered to take it to the gardens while Captain Black Diamond tried to figure out where it came from, I was leading it to the gardens when suddenly I was dragging the rope I was leading it with and the moose was nowhere to be found, I searched the lower levels of the castle until I came in here and found it – has it been eating the ficus?”
Elapsed time from Star Cluster drawing breath until her train of thought derailed: eight seconds. It took an additional two seconds for Luna and Night Audit to both blurt out the same thing:
“Teleported?!”
Star Cluster nodded. “One second, I'm there with a few of the other guards, bored out of my mind, and then poof! There's a moose in the courtyard. Nearly gave old One-Eyed Jack a heart attack, I can tell you.”
“That's impossible,” Night Audit said. “Ever since the changeling invasion, the closest anypony without the appropriate charm can teleport to the castle is the outer walls.”
“Well, maybe the moose was sent here by someone,” Star Cluster said.
“That is also not possible,” Luna replied. “Again, any pony performing such a spell would still need the appropriate charm in order to get any object or animal past the wards protecting the castle.”
“So, what do we do then?” Star Cluster asked, all semblance of formality gone.
Luna considered. “Night Audit, how vital are the final items on the agenda?”
Night Audit levitated the agenda scroll over to them and unrolled it. “Nothing vital, but the petitioners have been waiting for several hours to be heard.”
Luna sighed. “Very well. Lance-Corporal, you will escort the moose to the gardens as you intended. You will then find Captain Black Diamond and tell him I wish to see him in the throne room as soon as possible.”
Star Cluster saluted. “Yes, Your Highness!”
Luna narrowed her eyes and leaned in close to Star Cluster's face. “And there will be no distractions, delays, or general nonsense while you do this. Am I clear, Lance-Corporal?”
Star Cluster nodded frantically. “Crystal clear, Princess.”
Luna nodded again then turned toward the moose. Magic coursed through her horn and an ephemeral beam of light looped itself around the neck of the moose. A tendril of the energy sprouted from the loop, extended towards Star Cluster, and wrapped around her left foreleg.
“That should ensure you and our guest aren't separated on your way to the gardens,” said Luna. “You are dismissed.”
Star Cluster saluted again, and turned towards the moose. “Okay, Muscles, you and me. The gardens. Now. Let's go.”
The moose swallowed what was left of the rhododendron bush in its mouth, then casually loped off towards the throne room doorway, dragging Star Cluster with it. The night guard's voice dopplered away down the corridor as she tried to keep up with it.
Luna and Night Audit looked at each other again, then chuckled.
“All right, enough frivolity for now,” Luna said. “Let's not keep the petitioners waiting any longer.
Twenty minutes later, the last petitioner left the throne room, thus giving the princess and the clerk a chance to consider their moose related predicament.
“It is very strange, Night Audit,” Luna said. “Even beyond being able to appear in the courtyard, why on earth would someone send a moose to the castle?”
“I have to admit, even for the Night Court, this is probably the strangest thing I've ever experienced,” said Night Audit.
Luna looked out the window at the night sky. “I do not like unexplained phenomena, my friend. I like it even less when I am expected to meet an ambassador in a scant few hours.”
Night Audit moved closer to the princess. “I'm well aware of that, Your Highness.”
Luna got to her hooves. “But enough speculation and brooding. Let us investigate this further. Perhaps a solution will present itself.”
As Luna stepped down from the throne to the floor, the throne room doors opened again, admitting the charcoal gray form of Captain Black Diamond of the Night Guard.
“Your Highness,” he said, bowing before the princess. “I bring urgent news.”
“Rise, Captain,” Luna said graciously.”I expect this is about the moose which has suddenly appeared within our midst?”
“Yes, indeed, Your Highness.” Black Diamond said, rising and withdrawing a scroll from his armor. “We received this message from the minotaur ambassador's staff just a few minutes ago. It sheds some light on the whole moose issue.”
“Do tell,” Luna said, quirking an eyebrow.
“Apparently, the moose is a beloved pet of the ambassador and it has recently had some medical trouble. Naturally, the ambassador was reluctant to leave his pet at home during his visit here, so he sent it along ahead of him. Unfortunately, something happened in transit, and we didn't get the letter explaining all this until some time after the moose arrived.”
“But, that still doesn't explain how the moose managed to teleport inside the courtyard without the security charm,” Night Audit said. Black Diamond frowned.
“This is true,” he said slowly. “Your Highness, with your permission, I'd like to bring in a couple of the magic instructors from Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns to help figure out how this could have happened.”
Luna nodded. “I agree, Captain. I shall be down to the courtyard shortly to look into this matter myself, but first I feel that I should see how the ambassador's pet is getting on in the gardens.”
“Um, yeah, about that –" came a sheepish voice. The three of them turned to see a disheveled Star Cluster standing in the doorway. The magical tether was wrapped several times around her body. Her cheeks were bright red from embarrassment.
“I,” she began. “Well, I kinda lost the moose. Again.”
Luna quirked her eyebrow again and slowly walked over to Star Cluster. Behind her, Black Diamond and Night Audit pointedly looked in other directions. Star Cluster slowly lowered herself to the floor, the magical tether still looped around her body. Luna looked down at her. It wasn't a glare, but the effect was the same. When the Night Princess spoke, it was softly, but with a hard audible edge.
“You lost the moose.”
“Yes, Your Highness,” Star Cluster gulped.
“How?”
“I...” Star Cluster paused, then sighed. “I'm not sure.”
Luna inhaled and exhaled slowly through her nostrils. “Night Audit? Captain?”
“Yes, Your Highness?” the two male ponies asked.
“Captain, gather your guards and search the courtyard and gardens. If you do not find the ambassador's pet, widen the search to Canterlot proper. Night Audit, you will find all members of the night staff and search the castle itself. If anyone finds the moose, they are to report to me immediately. Understood?”
Black Diamond saluted. “Yes, Your Highness.”
He was out the door in seconds. Night Audit, on the other hand, walked closer to the princess.
“I thought I made my instructions clear, Night Audit,” Luna said, her gaze still firmly on Star Cluster.
“Yes, Your Highness, I was just wondering if the Lance-Corporal shouldn't be part of the search as well.”
“Oh, she will be. As will I. However, I need to have a word with her before we join in. Be at ease, my friend. We will join you shortly.”
“Yes, Your Highness.” Night Audit bowed and exited the throne room. After a moment of silence, Luna spoke once again to Star Cluster.
“Now, tell me exactly what happened,” she said quietly. Star Cluster, realizing that she had a reprieve, however brief, let out the breath she'd been holding and spoke.
“After it dragged me out of the throne room, I managed to get it to stop long enough to let me lead it out towards the gardens. But when we were almost there, it was gone.”
“Gone?” Luna repeated. “How did it break the tether?”
“That's just it, it's not broken! Um, Your Highness.” Star Cluster said, abruptly remembering protocol. She unwound the tether from her body and showed it to Luna. The tether was still the same length and glowing with the mystical energy it had been formed from. “One second it was there, and the next, poof! No moose.”
“Was there any magical residue left from this teleportation?”
“I don't think it was teleportation, Your Highness,” Star Cluster answered. “At least not magical. It's like the moose just stopped existing. No flash of light, no sparks, no magic of any kind that I could see. Or sense, for that matter.”
Luna's brow furrowed. She knew Star Cluster had to be telling the truth. The nature of the spell that created the tether would have prevented any sort of teleportation spell from working, as well as over a dozen other commonly used transport magics documented as abilities of some of the more magically gifted species in Equestria.
“Very well, Star Cluster,” Luna said. “Rejoin the Night Guard, and inform Captain Diamond that I wish a report every two hours until the moose is found.”
Star Cluster saluted. “Yes, Your Highness! Um... one question?”
“Yes?” Luna asked.
“What happens if we can't find the moose before the ambassador arrives?”
Luna sighed gravely. “Then, I expect we shall see if that combat training you've been doing has sunk in.”
Star Cluster gulped, saluted again, and rocketed out of the throne room. Luna let out a breath of her own and began to think.
Now, let us think this through logically. I am a pet feral moose, albeit with unusual abilities. I am in unfamiliar territory, away from my master. Where would I go?
After a moment, Luna's expression changed to a sardonic smile. “Truly,” she said aloud, “I am an idiot. There's only one place I would go.”
–--
Elsewhere in the castle, Princess Celestia carefully separated the white powder into five lines of equal length. Her eyes gleamed with anticipation. There was nothing finer than the sensations the power caused when she took it. Of course, it wouldn't do for her subjects to discover her little habit. It wouldn't look good, but there were some days she just couldn't function without it. Hence these little late night indulgences.
Celestia closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before lowering her head towards the powder. Yes, soon the euphoria would rush through her and--
“AH HA! I HAVE CAUGHT THEE!”
Celestia let out a loud shriek as Luna burst through the doors of the royal kitchen. She quickly swiped a wing across the counter and sent the powdered sugar she was about to lick up flying into the air.
There was an awkward pause at the two sisters stared at each other. Luna, standing in the doorway of the Royal Kitchen, one hoof pointed accusingly at Celestia. Celestia herself stood there, powdered sugar floating through the air, lightly dusting her wings. Celestia quickly plastered a smile on her face.
“Luna!” she said, a little too loudly. “What brings you down here at this hour?”
Luna lowered her hoof and walked into the kitchen. “I could ask you the same thing?”
“Oh, you know,” Celestia replied, doing her best to look nonchalant. “I woke up wanting a little midnight snack and you know how I hate to disturb the chef this late at night.”
“Um, yes,” Luna said, as Celestia came out from behind the counter, powdered sugar dust rising from her flank as she walked. “I suppose.”
“So,” Celestia said, the smile not moving one inch, “How about you?”
“Eh?”
“Why are you here in the kitchen? Is everything going all right at Night Court?”
Luna quickly summoned a smile identical to her sister's. “Fine! Absolutely fine! No trouble whatsoever!”
“Did Night Audit give you the message about the minotaur ambassador?” Celestia asked, swishing her tail across the counter so as to get rid of any further evidence of her addiction.
“The minotaur ambassador, yes!” Luna replied. “Yes, he did. I am sooooo grateful to you, Tia, for affording me this opportunity.”
“Well, I think it's important that the other countries of the world start recognizing you as the co-ruler of Equestria. This will be an important step forward.”
“Yes. Yes, indeed.” Luna nodded abruptly.
“So, everything is prepared?” Celestia asked. “You're ready to meet him at dawn?”
“Absolutely!” Luna felt her muscles cramping up from smiling so long. “Everything is perfectly fine and ready. The guest room is prepared, the Night Guard is ready, and there have been no problems whatsoever this evening. At all—eep!”
The “eep” was because at that moment, the door to the cold room had opened and the ambassador's moose wandered out idly munching on what looked like a bushel of carrots. Luna pupils shrunk to pinpricks as the moose began walking behind the counter, and worse, its antlers were dangerously close to hitting the pots and pans that hung on the rack over the stoves.
“Is there a problem, Luna?” Celestia asked. She began to turn her head, but Luna quickly threw her forelegs around her sister's neck and dragged her out of the kitchen into the hallway. She then turned the drag into a bear hug, while simultaneously using her magic to close the doors to the kitchen.
Celestia gasped as Luna's hug forced the air out of her lungs and her face began to turn red.
“Lulu!” she cried, her voice raspy with the lack of oxygen. “Too tight! Air!”
Luna blinked and quickly released her sister. Celestia gasped again as she sucked in a deep breath. Her face soon returned to its normal alabaster and she looked up at her sister.
“Well, that was... unexpected,” she said.
“I'm so sorry, sister,” Luna said, her mind racing to find an explanation for her behavior. “I was just suddenly overwhelmed with a desire to thank you for the trust you've placed in me since my return.”
Please buy this nonsense. Please buy this nonsense. Please buy this nonsense. Luna's thoughts repeated.
As for Celestia, she decided to cut her losses and retreat. There would be other late night excursions to the kitchen for her favorite sweetener. Although, she couldn't help but notice Luna seemed unusually tense for some reason.
“Well, thank you, Luna,” she said slowly. “And I should be off to bed. I'll see you at dawn?”
“Yes! Dawn! Certainly, Tia!” Dear Faust, why doesn't she just go already?!
Celestia quirked an eyebrow. “Well... good night then.”
“Good night!” Luna's grin remained in place until Celestia rounded the corner and out of sight. She sagged against the door and let out a sigh.
---
As she made her way to her bedroom, Celestia chuckled softly to her self as she pondered the absurdity of the situation. She then glanced down at her left wing, extended it, and then craned her head to look closely at it. There was a light layer of powder on it. She grinned and extended her tongue.
Ohhhhh, yessssssss...
---
Luna got back to her hooves and turned to face the kitchen doors. Behind them came a clattering of metal. Realizing the moose had finally hit the rack of pans, she threw open the doors and quickly entered.
The moose's antlers were tangled in the pan rack, inhibiting its movement, the last of the carrot stalks disappearing into its mouth. Luna smirked and strode towards it.
“Right, you have led us all on a merry chase, but your master will be arriving in a scant few hours, and I have no more time for your nonsense. Now, I shall free you from yon pan rack and you will come quietly to the gardens. Do we have an accord, my good moose?”
Suddenly the moose's eyes opened widely and it let out a snort that sounded almost quizzical. Then, before Luna knew what had happened, the moose vanished from the kitchen. The Night Princess blinked, then walked over to the space where the moose had just been. She cast a detection spell but the spell returned no results. The moose was, indeed, gone.
Luna let out an exasperated sigh. “Could this night become any more inconvenient?”
It was, of course, at that point that the pan rack fell from the ceiling and crashed down onto the alicorn.
Night Audit let out a sigh. He had sent the night porters to search the towers, and the few overnight cleaning staff to check the east and west wings. He finally had a moment to relax, and allowed himself to slump against the wall. He levitated his pocket watch from his vest and glanced at it.
Three in the morning. Her Highness and I would be playing Thud right about now.
Neither of them were sure where the strange board game had come from, but the nightly matches had become the high point of the long evenings after the petitioners had been seen, the princess had done her nightly rounds of the dreams of her subjects, and the two of them had little to do until dawn.
In terms of skill, Night Audit figured he and the princess were evenly matched, since they had started playing at the same time. At last count, he was ahead in total victories by three games, although he was sure that Luna had some long term strategy in mind to reverse that. It was one of the high points of his job and he was mildly irritated that the moose had upset the usual routine.
He snorted and stood up straight, straightening his vest. Time (and moose, apparently) waited for no pony. Less than three hours until dawn, with no guarantee the ambassador wouldn't show up unexpectedly early. He let out another sigh and turned to head for the west tower.
“Night Audit?”
The clerk's eyes snapped open fully and he quickly plastered a smile on his face as he turned to face Princess Celestia, who had just appeared at the top of the stairs leading down to the lower levels of the palace.
“Your Highness,” he said, the smile not moving a bit. “Good evening.”
“Good evening,” Celestia said as she walked down the hallway towards him. “How are you?”
“I'm doing well, than you for asking, Your Highness.”
Celestia nodded. “And how are things at Night Court?”
Night Audit felt the smile tighten. “Everything's fine, Your Highness. Nothing unusual to report.”
Celestia quirked an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Absolutely, Your Highness.”
Celestia's mouth curled up at one side. “Then why are you up here, and my sister is down in the kitchens? Don't you two play Thud around this time?”
Night Audit felt his lower left eyelid begin to twitch, and he was sure some of his teeth were beginning to crack under the strain of how tightly his jaw suddenly clenched. “Yes. Yes, Your Highness! We do! But, um, she's getting snacks! Yes, snacks. For the game. We needed snacks.”
“Snacks?” Celestia asked, confusion evident on her face.
“Snacks!” Night Audit affirmed, a little too loudly. “We wanted snacks and your sister volunteered to go get them.”
Celestia's eyebrow quirked again. “Why didn't she just call for one of the night porters, then?”
Night Audit let out a noise through his teeth somewhere between a laugh and a groan. “Well.. I... um... we couldn't find one! And since I am technically the head of the night staff, Princess Luna felt that it would be best if I went to find out what was going on and she graciously volunteered to get the snacks in the meantime.”
Celestia opened her mouth to reply, when a voice echoed down the hallway from behind the princess.
“Mr. Night Audit!”
Night Audit craned his neck to see one of the night porters frantically waving a foreleg to get his attention. The clerk's mind raced and quickly seized the opportunity for escape.
“Ah! There's one now. If you'll excuse me, Your Highness, I need to deal with this post haste. Have a pleasant evening. You there! Don't move!”
Night Audit rushed past the princess, wrapped a foreleg around the night porter's withers and half-walked and half-dragged the surprised pony around the corner. Celestia blinked as the clerk and the porter disappeared, then a smile crossed her lips. She shook her head in amusement and continued on her way to her chambers.
---
“Now, you listen to me,” Night Audit said to the porter, his voice low. “We have only a few hours to find that moose and get it to the gardens, without, I might add, letting Princess Celestia know that said moose is running amok in the castle and causing untold embarrassment to Princess Luna. This means, above all else, not drawing attention to the fact that we are looking for the moose when Celestia is present! Clear?”
“Yes, sir,” the porter gulped. Night Audit saw the terror in her eyes and turned down the intensity.
“Right,” he said, taking a deep breath. “Now, what did you need?”
“I found the moose,” the porter said. Night Audit's eyes widened.
“Where?”
“That's the thing, Mr. Night Audit,” she said, “It's in the library!”
Night Audit felt the blood rush from his face. “Go to the grounds, find Star Cluster and tell her to meet me in the library immediately. And if you see either of the princesses, for Faust's sake, don't tell them!”
“Yes, sir!” The night porter dashed off down the hall. Night Audit checked his watch again and cursed under his breath before heading down the hall in the other direction towards the library.
My sister was right, I should have stuck with accounting.
The Canterlot Royal Library was the most extensive in Equestria. It was well known that both princesses prized knowledge and intellectual curiosity and the library was a reflection of that sentiment. Books filled the towering shelves in every one of the twenty-four rooms that comprised the library. There were books on everything from baking and crop rotation to esoteric fields like dimensional harmonics and ballistic paper airplane construction, not to mention a substantial collection of popular fiction. The library was a symbol of the age of enlightenment that the princesses had brought to the land.
Several volumes on the cultivation of household plants were being devoured by the moose when Night Audit arrived. Two of the night porters were standing at a respectful distance from it, uncertain how to approach it. Night Audit walked over to them.
“How long has it been here?” he asked.
“Not sure, Mr. Night Audit,” one of the porters replied. “We just found it in here after we heard Miss Bookbinder scream.”
Night Audit's eyebrows raised. Miss Bookbinder (and Celestia help you if you left out the “Miss”) was the night librarian, and had made it quite clear that she disapproved of anyone outside of the princesses showing up in the library after dark, much less at three-thirty in the morning. Many members of the night staff had learned this the hard way and had suffered the full force of Miss Bookbinder's true power: an unparalleled mastery of insults and withering sarcasm.
“If Miss Bookbinder actually screamed,” said Night Audit, “then the moose must have given her quite a shock.”
“Shock nothing,” came a stern voice. “It is eating the books!”
Night Audit and the porters turned to see a lemon-colored unicorn with a green mane done up in a severe bun. Hard ice blue eyes peered over a pair of half-moon spectacles. Despite the severity of her appearance, Miss Bookbinder was quite young, only a year or two younger than Night Audit. However, she carried herself with the fierce primness of a much older mare.
“Ah, Miss Bookbinder, I'm glad to see you're all right.”
“Spare me the banal pleasantries, Mr. Audit,” snapped Miss Bookbinder. “I want that thing out of my library, immediately!”
“We're working on it, Miss Bookbinder,” Night Audit said. “I'm just waiting for some assistance.”
“Of course. Assistance,” the librarian snorted. “Let it just devour the entire section on botany. It's not like any of the volumes are hundreds of years old and are irreplaceable... oh wait, yes, they are!”
Night Audit suppressed a sigh of exasperation and opened his mouth to reassure Miss Bookbinder, but before he could say anything, there was a crash from down the corridor and Star Cluster's voice echoed towards them.
“Sorry!”
Miss Bookbinder's eyes widened and she grabbed Night Audit by the shoulders. “Not her! Not here! Anypony but her!”
The night guard rounded the corner and landed next to the librarian and the clerk. “Hey, guys! You wanted to see me? Oh, hey, you found it!”
“No!” Miss Bookbinder shouted. “No no no! Not you! Not now, not ever!”
Night Audit blinked. “Is there something I should know?”
“This irresponsible nag is banned from my library!”
“Oh, come on,” Star Cluster said. “That was months ago, Booksy!”
“That's 'Miss Bookbinder' to you!”
“The chocolate sauce washed out!”
“And what about the marshmallow fluff? How do you get marshmallow fluff on every copy of every volume of the Encyclopedia Equestria?”
“Ladies!” Night Audit said, raising his voice. “If you don't mind, we have a slightly larger problem to deal with.”
“Right,” Star Cluster said. “What do you need me to do?”
“Do you still have that tether Princess Luna gave you?”
Star Cluster rummaged under her armor and withdrew the glowing magical item. “Right here?”
Night Audit peered back through the door. The moose had turned its attention to another shelf, its back to the doorway. Night Audit frowned in thought, then turned back to Star Cluster, the porters, and Miss Bookbinder.
“Star Cluster, I need you to take to the air, and loop the tether around its neck when I give you the signal. You two,” he gestured to the porters, “be ready to block the door with that shelf in case it tried to make a break for it.”
“Absolutely not!” Miss Bookbinder replied. “That thing has already destroyed I don't know how many priceless volumes, and I will not have one of my shelves used as some sort of makeshift barricade that will probably get obliterated when Doofus McButterhooves here invariably scares it off!”
“One time!” Star Cluster protested. “One time I dropped a book from the top shelf--”
“And it just happened to be the last existing volume of Flank Spear's lost folios!”
“How can they be lost if they were here in the library?”
“Well, thanks to you, they're lost now!” Miss Bookbinder snarled.
Night Audit stepped between the two mares. “Enough! Miss Bookbinder, we will do our best to keep any damage to a minimum and I can assure you Princess Luna will authorize funds to make any repairs. Star Cluster, use utmost care when tethering the moose.”
Star Cluster saluted, stuck her tongue out at Miss Bookbinder, and took to the air, flying through the door and high above the moose. She tied a loop in the tether and slowly lowered toward the moose, which finished the book it had been eating, then started in on Silver Quill's Ponderous Prose for Perfect Ponies.
As the moose began to raise its head after snagging the book in its teeth, Star Cluster twirled the tether over her head like a lasso and hurled it downward. The tether looped around the moose's antlers and snapped tight around them. Star Cluster let out a triumphant laugh and swooped down, the tether wrapped tightly around one hoof.
“And once again, the talented rookie night guard proves her worth and outwits her nemesis, thus proving that nothing and nopony can defeat her. Not even an overly tricky moose!”
The moose snorted and raised its head sharply, staring at the night guard. The sudden movement startled Star Cluster and she grinned wildly, trying to look non-threatening. The hot breath of the moose rushed through the coat on her belly. The moose's eyes widened and then it vanished, leaving Star Cluster with the tether dangling from her hoof.
“What in the world?” Miss Bookbinder asked. “What just happened?”
“The same thing that's been happening to us all night,” Night Audit answered.
“Why is there even a moose in the castle?”
“It's the pet of the ambassador form the Minotaur Nations. He sent it ahead of him, but it got loose somehow. And we have very little time before the ambassador arrives and Princess Luna has to greet him. We need to to capture the blasted thing and keep it in one place.”
Star Cluster landed next to them. “Sorry, I thought I had it that time.”
“It's fine,” Night Audit sighed. He turned to the night porters. “Help Miss Bookbinder clean up this mess. Star Cluster, we need to find Princess Luna.”
As the two ponies prepared to leave, Miss Bookbinder dashed in front of them.
“Wait! The moose is from the Minotaur Nations?”
“Yes,” Night Audit answered, taken aback by the librarian's sudden change in mood. “Why?”
Miss Bookbinder gave them a superior smile. “Because I think I know what's going on. Follow me.”
The clerk and the guard followed Miss Bookbinder through the shelves, finally coming to a halt a few aisles over from the botany section. Miss Bookbinder pulled a ladder closer to them and began to climb.
“I pulled some material on the Minotaur Nations for Princess Celestia a few months ago. I glanced through it and I remember something about the moose from that area.” She pulled a book bound in green-leather from the shelf with her magic and climbed back down. She opened the book and flipped a few pages before floating it in front of Night Audit.
“There. Page 343, second paragraph. I think you'll find it interesting.”
Night Audit frowned and scanned the page. He blinked and looked up. “This can't be right.”
“What is it?” Star Cluster leaned over and read the passage. Then she too looked up with an incredulous expression. “You have got to be kidding me.”
“Explain it to me again,” said Princess Luna. “We are dealing with what species of moose?”
“An indeterminate moose, Your Highness,” Night Audit answered. “Miss Bookbinder found some enlightening information on our problem.”
The four of them had reconvened in the throne room to strategize. Dawn was scheduled to begin in less than two hours, and word had come that the ambassador's train from Manehattan was due to arrive at the station shortly afterward. Time was running out and so was the princess's patience. Miss Bookbinder stepped forward with the book she had retrieved.
“Indeterminate moose are a feral moose species unique to the Minotaur Nations,” she began. “They have some sort of innate magic, similar to some of the animals in the Everfree Forest. It manifests in slightly higher intelligence and a unique survival trait.”
“Which is?” Luna asked.
“Basically, an indeterminate moose is capable of identifying its own species when someone mentions it out loud in front of it. But the nature of the magic is such that the moose can know where it is or what it is, but not both at the same time.”
Luna's eyebrows raised briefly, then lowered into an expression of disbelief. “Miss Bookbinder, are you saying that what is currently rampaging around the castle is some sort of... quantum moose?”
“Essentially, yes,” Miss Bookbinder replied. “If the moose realizes it's a moose, the survival instinct kicks in and it vanishes until such time that it forgets what it is. Fortunately, indeterminate moose have very short memories and generally reappear a few minutes later a short distance away.”
“Which explains all the difficulty we've been having isolating the moose,” said Night Audit. “I've made some inquiries among the staff and everypony I've talked to said that they did call it a moose when the moose could hear them.”
“Same thing happened to me, Your Highness,” Star Cluster said.
“And its innate magic is able to subvert my own restraint spells,” Luna said, thinking aloud. She paced back and forth in front of the throne for a few moments, before looking at her staff.
“Miss Bookbinder,” she said. “Does your book have any suggestions on how to catch one of these indeterminate moose?”
Miss Bookbinder rifled through the pages of the book, then looked up. “According to this, aside from not giving the moose any clue as to what it is, there are very few ways to keep it in one place.”
Luna huffed through her nostrils and paced again. “If we cannot keep it in one place, then perhaps we can herd it towards the gardens?”
“That could work,” Miss Bookbinder said. “If nopony mentions what it is when it gets there, then the survival instinct probably wouldn't kick in.”
“And if we time it right, we could conceivably get it to the gardens just after dawn and ready for the ambassador's arrival,” Night Audit added.
“Um,” said Star Cluster, “I hate to be a wet blanket, but there's kind of a problem with that plan.”
“And that is?” Luna asked, stopping her pacing and looking down at the night guard.
“Well, if we herd the moose to the gardens just after dawn, won't Princess Celestia see us and figure something fishy's been happening all night?”
“She has a point,” Night Audit said. “I had an encounter with the princess just before the moose appeared in the library. I'm afraid I may have roused her suspicions.”
“Sadly, I am certain I did the same when I encountered her in the kitchens,” said Luna. She looked out one of the windows, lost in thought. “There has to be a way to get it where we need it to go without arousing my sister's suspicions.”
“Well,” said Star Cluster, “there's always teleportation.”
Luna turned her head sharply. “What did you say?”
Star Cluster blinked. “I was just joking, Princess. In the barracks, whenever we have some kind of problem, somepony always says 'well, there's always teleportation' whenever we can't think of what to do about it.”
Luna looked down at Star Cluster, frowning. Then her lips curled up in a wicked little grin.
“Star Cluster, you are an accidental genius.”
“Oh, come on!” Miss Bookbinder snapped. “Your Highness, you can't seriously be considering taking the advice of this... this... all right, I can't think of anything vitriolic enough to make my point right now, but anything that falls out of this mare's skull is inherently a bad idea!”
“If you have any better ideas, Miss Bookbinder, I shall be more than happy to hear them. But speak quickly, time is running out, and so are our options.” Luna glared down at the librarian.
Miss Bookbinder gulped and looked down at the floor. “I'm sorry for speaking out of turn, Your Highness. But teleporting an unwilling seven hundred pound moose? It seems too likely something could go wrong, even with your power and skill.”
Luna's expression softened. “Your concerns are noted, Miss Bookbinder, and are not without merit. But what else would you have me do? We are out of time and I will not allow one ridiculous occurrence at Night Court to turn into an international incident. Would that we could simply throw a net over the damned moose and be done with it.”
“Actually,” Night Audit said, his voice thoughtful. “It may be possible to do just that.”
“What do you mean?” Luna asked, turning her attention to the clerk.
“It would take some careful planning and a bit of luck,” Night Audit answered, “but, if we execute this correctly, we should be able to get the moose to the gardens without your sister noticing and suitably impress the ambassador when he arrives.”
Night Audit quickly outlined his idea to the three mares. After he finished, Luna grinned.
“It is a good plan, Night Audit, but I believe I have one or two refinements that will make it perfect.”
